I'm going to be a burnout
No, not a burnout from drugs, just that by the end of this semester, I'll be burned out for having spread myself so thin. I'm not used to that, of course, and my depression only made me more vulnerable to it, as it makes one lethargic. Anyhow, I've begun to reread Left Behind since, while having waited for book 7 to come out, I forgot most of what happend and the new characters.
Why am I rereading it? Well, I still cannot say I'm Christian in the true sense of the word. It's difficult to explain, but I have to friends in the past, and, unfortunately, I have made no real progress since then. I believe, or at least think I believe in God and Christ, and want to live a life as a true Christian should, how God wants me to. I want to maintain a relationship with Him, yet I've never been able to. As much as I want to, wanting doesn't make it happen. I don't know why I've floundered so long with it and still do. I just can't seem to find the niche for it, or the confidence, the will, or what have you. I don't know what it'll take to reach me and change me. All I know is, when I read those books a few years back, I feel something touching me, nagging me. I feel it as I'm reading the first book now. I felt it back on that orchestra trip when I said I didn't believe in God and then had the most bizarre night of coincidences and timings ever. And through all that, I still fall through the cracks. I don't understand why I haven't been able to make the change. Again, wanting it so does not make it so.
So, yes, I will be mentally and physically exhausted by the time my first year of college comes to a close. Between working 20-30 hours a week, 16 hours of classes a week, weight lifting roughly 9 hours a week, studying/homework and reading as much as I can(the religious aspect) in the gaps between and trying to maintain a decent sleeping patterm will wear me down. And of course, I'd like to occassionally hang out with friends.
While I feel I may have finally closed a chapter in my life with that long, burdensome depression, nothing's truly closed. Rather, it continues from a new perspective in a new light. After all, while lives can reflect a book and peoples' phases/chapters, it's continuous. Can't take a pause. And even when you die, it's not an end. Sure, perhaps it is an end of sorts, but never a real end. Hmm...indeed.
Why am I rereading it? Well, I still cannot say I'm Christian in the true sense of the word. It's difficult to explain, but I have to friends in the past, and, unfortunately, I have made no real progress since then. I believe, or at least think I believe in God and Christ, and want to live a life as a true Christian should, how God wants me to. I want to maintain a relationship with Him, yet I've never been able to. As much as I want to, wanting doesn't make it happen. I don't know why I've floundered so long with it and still do. I just can't seem to find the niche for it, or the confidence, the will, or what have you. I don't know what it'll take to reach me and change me. All I know is, when I read those books a few years back, I feel something touching me, nagging me. I feel it as I'm reading the first book now. I felt it back on that orchestra trip when I said I didn't believe in God and then had the most bizarre night of coincidences and timings ever. And through all that, I still fall through the cracks. I don't understand why I haven't been able to make the change. Again, wanting it so does not make it so.
So, yes, I will be mentally and physically exhausted by the time my first year of college comes to a close. Between working 20-30 hours a week, 16 hours of classes a week, weight lifting roughly 9 hours a week, studying/homework and reading as much as I can(the religious aspect) in the gaps between and trying to maintain a decent sleeping patterm will wear me down. And of course, I'd like to occassionally hang out with friends.
While I feel I may have finally closed a chapter in my life with that long, burdensome depression, nothing's truly closed. Rather, it continues from a new perspective in a new light. After all, while lives can reflect a book and peoples' phases/chapters, it's continuous. Can't take a pause. And even when you die, it's not an end. Sure, perhaps it is an end of sorts, but never a real end. Hmm...indeed.