Life

[debmommy22]

Life is hard was hard before the Cornavirus and the hoarders and all the death. I still am in the same house with my 15 year old son who has been through so much. Accident on a trampoline that was so bad, when he is 18 he will have to start having surgeries to fix his jaw and put in dental implants. His top two front teeth are gone. He has been in

Comments

[debmommy22]

I know this isn't the time, but I am living in a place with the worst neighbors. Today I was woken up by a policeman at my door. The witch next door to me that I sued and we settled out of court, has got camera's in her front and back yard. She hates us, mostly Alex and she is not home much so she put up these cameras and No Trespassing signs, but they are really for Alex. Alex saw them and he just thinks he can go over there anyway. He did a stupid thing of giving her the middle finger to the camera. Got one of those worn out rusty bikes that she doesn't care about and rode on it. Moved some things around or something, I don't know? Even the Cop said he understood about her. She is mean heartless woman, Vietnamese. You can hear her screaming at the guy who is the father of her kids, or used to. He is kicked out again. She was always calling the cops on him and now she is after us. Like things aren't bad enough! I told Alex not to put a toe over the line between our houses. She is right next door. Hard to believe Michael used to help her with her computer. He told me she was horrible. I wish I had someone to help me, but I don't. I am alone. My Dad can help some, but not safe till they get a vaccine.

I am back to not being able to fall or mostly stay asleep 8 hours, sometimes I can get 7 hours, think it was 6 hours today, but I was partially awake when the cop banged on my door.

I am glad you are doing things that make you feel better. That is the right thing to do during this very difficult time. I want you to be happy. You go girl. Keep writing. I really want to go through some of your fanfic, I got time. I want to find some of Jack and Ianto that appeals to me. Let me know again if you know where it is, you wrote one that I think fixed "Children of Earth" so Ianto doesn't die or comes back. I probably read it, but can't remember now.

For me moving is something I should be pushing, I was feeling suicidal today. Too many bad things. Loud poor black people, no I am not racist just the way it is, it is worse here. They are all to my right up and down the street with their loud rap music and now on the left this woman who has hated us since the time Michael died. Started with Alex breaking some nail salon chair that was out in her driveway for some reason. Alex has ADHD and he doesn't think. They think he might be a high functioning Autistic, but I am not sure. I am a world class procrastinator, get overwhelmed, have a child with a lot of mental, emotional, and learning problems. Also that witches oldest boy sexually assaulted Alex when Alex was around 9 or 10 years old. Went on a year maybe, I might have told you. He threatened Alex that he would hurt him if he told anyone. We filed charges, but no evidence against him and no one else has come foward about being hurt by him so nothing we can do. The lawsuit was the accident on a rusty worn out trampoline that Bobby the kids father, put out there. Long story, but it did not have protection on it and Alex's upper mouth is messed up and jaw crushed. Lost 2 front teeth, another he will lose and needs operations in the future when he is grown, 18 or 19 years old. I probably told you this stuff I can't remember. All these things makes her hate us. Stupid because her insurance company pays, not her though her insurance rates might have gone up since she lost the case and they have to pay. It wasn't enough money, but it is in savings that the lawyer will have drawn out with each operation. He will need 4 teeth called dental implants and a jaw operation. His nose is not right and we suppose to have that fixed this summer. Not sure if it is safe.

Thank you for telling me to relax. I think I need to be back in therapy. My doctor retired and I don't really know who to go to. I am on meds like I said, but may need them adjusted. I can't function well on less than 8 hours of sleep. Really I need more than that, but that is rare now. I think it is hypomania that goes with Bipolar 2. My brain won't let me stay asleep at times. It is like on high and I don't even know it.

[badly_knitted]

Alex just really needs to stay in his own yard, sounds like your neighbour will use any excuse to cause trouble. I'm lucky to have lovely neighbours, I wish you could too.

I've written A LOT of fix-its. The best way to find them all is with the tags on my journal. You want the fix-it tag.

I also have Master Lists for my main universes, the Nosy-Verse, Through Time and Space, and Ghost of a Chance. You can find them on the left-hand sidebar of my journal. it says Master Lists. Some are for other fandoms but some are Torchwood. I'm sure you can find something to read =)

You're lucky you get as much sleep as you do. I need at least 8 hours, but most nights I'm lucky to get five and it's not all at once. I wake up every 30 minutes to an hour. If I sleep for two hours without waking it's a good night. I'm permanently exhausted.

I hope you can find another therapist.

Sleep, fics, etc.

[debmommy22]

Oh I am sorry you are having trouble with sleep too. What causes your sleep problems, is it physical problems you have? I know it is awful. People shouldn't have to struggle to stay asleep at night. Well the meds used to keep me asleep most nights 7 to 8 hours, occasionally more which was weird. I think they are not working as well, I usually wake up after about 5 or 6 hours a lot of nights, seems to be getting worse. I take more meds and prey and then I usually can get back to sleep at least one time and get enough to get through the day. I have had times when I just could not sleep though, I felt horrible and had to just make it on 5 or 6 hours. It is miserable. I don't get it. As a teenager and in my 20's I could sleep 9 to 10 hours a night. Something has happened. I really think it is hypomania. I was told by a doctor once that bipolar 2 worsens with age. I am 53 now. Oh reminds me, I can't remember things well. Can I ask how old you are? Was trying to remember if you were around my age or younger?

Thanks for telling me about the fics. I will go looking. I always enjoyed reading your TW fics. Yeah I saw Master Lists on the tags one day looking at your page. Wasn't sure what it meant, I was guessing your main or favorite fics or is that not what it means. Have you won awards? I saw something on a page where it looked like you had gotten something for them.

Thanks about a therapist. I didn't see him a lot because it seemed too hard to take his advice. What is the point in going if I can't motivate myself to change. Change is the hardest thing for me. I guess God figures enough bad things happen to me/us then I will decide it is more important to get started on going through stuff and cleaning up that room and closets. I also need a new mattress and the place is a mess. Don't want people coming in. The mattress is sinking in and no one here to help me flip it. Michael was strong enough to lift it and I just guided it over. I have tried to lift it, it is a King sized bed. Impossible for me, I am way too weak. I need a man's help.

Re: Sleep, fics, etc.

[badly_knitted]

I'm 5 years your senior, my dear little sister! *grins* You think you're getting old...

The Master Lists contain links to all the fics I've written. Some are in alphabetical order but the lists for my various series (Nosy-Verse, Through Time and Space, and Ghost of a Chance) are in timeline order so it's best if you start at the top of the list and read everything in the correct order. I'm nor=t WRITING them in the right order though, lol!

I've won a few challenges, or rather been voted into first, second, or third place in some the fandom_weekly contests. I've also earned badges at fan_flashworks. Those are displayed on my profile page. It's fun!

Therapists can only really help if you can follow their advice I guess.

Mattresses can be hard to turn. Used to take mum and me to turn hers when she had a normal double bed. So glad I only have a single - I can manage that by myself.

Re: Sleep, fics, etc.

[debmommy22]

That is fantastic! You could write books I bet and publish them.

Oh 5 years older so 58?...my memory is getting so bad already. Probably some of the meds I am taking too. They cause short term memory loss for sure.

Michael and I wanted a King sized bed. Lots of room. I have had this since we moved into the house in 1998. I need a new one really. It is so comfortable or was new. I had money in savings and I knew I wanted this one, it is just like my Mom and Dad's and I had slept on it some as a child and said, when I get married I am getting one just like theirs. Simmons Beautyrest. I guess with no husband I should get a smaller mattress I could handle. I only have a second set of sheets not used, for a King and I can't find any new sheets for the beds made of 100 percent cotton anymore that are super soft and don't sting. I don't know what has happened. Probably cause nothing much is made in the US., we get cheap junk from China and some other countries where quality is not important and people work for nothing.

Re: Sleep, fics, etc.

[badly_knitted]

Ah, but I have no interest in writing books and publishing them. I like writing short fanfics.

Yep! I'm old! *grins*

It's hard to get good sheet without paying the earth. I bought a new set on sale and they're beautifully soft, but they're so thin I just know they'll tear the first time I use them. I'm a very restless sleeper, always have been.

Re: Sleep, fics, etc.

[debmommy22]

Tell me where you got nice sheets?! I want super soft, don't care if they don't hold up. We used to have some like that, so comfortable. Nothing in America seems to be made well anymore or much anyway.

You're not old silly girl! :) You ever get a boyfriend? I need one. Been 6 years and even though no one will replace Michael, I still want to find someone. I hate being alone, then again if he dies on me I will kill him! I can't watch a second husband die. haha! I know, not funny. But got to laugh or I cry.

I think you could write books, but yeah harder. They are longer and you have to get a publisher.

My sleep was fine in my 20's and 30's and then I started having trouble. Thought it was medications, but I wasn't on anything but a tranquilizer and I started getting to where I couldn't stay asleep more than 4 or 5 hours every night and usually I would have eventually slept longer after going several nights like that, but I couldn't. I was coming apart, crying. I can't function well without 7 to 8 hours sleep a night. I used to sleep 9 to 10 hours if I didn't have to be up for something. I hear everything now too. Somebody's car alarm went off one morning 6 a.m. and I stay up late so I was mad, was really hard getting back to sleep. I hear thunder and my son can sleep through it. I feel like my brain is on "high" most of the time. I hate this illness. I've been on all kinds of meds, even the new ones I can't take the side effects. Oh well, such is life. She has me on an antipsychotic for sleep and bipolar, and a sleeping pill called Lunesta. I take 2 of them, but they don't work well alone. Not sure why.

Re: Sleep, fics, etc.

[badly_knitted]

I got mine in a small shop that was closing down. They were only single bed sized anyway, no good for your bed!

I still have the same one I met at 18. We don't live together, I can't handle being around people all the time, I'd rather be by myself, but I see him every week.

I just have absolutely no interest in writing books.

I used to sleep well, but my doctor got me addicted to tranquilizers and after a while instead of helping me relax and sleep they had the opposite effect. screwed up my mental health completely. I've never been right since. I don't take tranquillisers anymore, they've done me enough harm. Just have to live with the anxiety and panic attacks, OCD, and everything else.

Re: Sleep, fics, etc.

[debmommy22]

Oh Jean I am sorry about the tranquilizers. I actually totally agree with you. When I started taking Xanax in my teens, they gave them out like candy and they seemed to help me and helped with sleep. I have been on just about all of them at different points, Xanax, Ativan, Klonopin, which I am on now and really I just stay on it hoping it helps and really now if I don't take it, I go into withdrawal symptoms and can't sleep, but I know I should get off it. The stuff that helps is the anti-psychotic and that is ok to take though I don't think even it works all the time and it is hard to come off of too and I tried once and I got so sick every time I dropped 25mg then my sleep got so bad that I just had to go back on it. I am stuck on it unless they find something else I can take to keep me from withdrawing. It is harder to come off some of these prescription drugs than it is street drugs I have been told. They used to say they weren't addictive, that is crap! My hypomania is so bad I gave in and went on a Anti-psychotic called Seroquel. It also makes me hungry which I hate. I have to fight so hard not to eat too much and to exercise. I hate gaining weight again. At one time I was on so much crap I was up to 150 pounds if you can believe that! I am down around 130 pounds now, was 125.5 before all this shut in stuff started well no, 128 actually because of the stupid Seroquel I must take. I am so sorry they messed you up on tranquilizers, they work and then over years I think they become useless and then so hard to come off of. No one should take them really except maybe certain cases. I'm so sorry you have anxiety, panic attacks, and OCD. I have had all that stuff too. Not much I haven't had. No delusions, but a lot of depression + what you go through. I have been up nights with panic attacks, heart beating out of my chest and it would take hours before I could sleep. I know what you are going through. I used to have OCD really bad and still have it on a smaller scale I guess. Anxiety never goes away and I can out-worry anybody! *rolls eyes*

Oh that is ok about the sheets, was just curious, I figure we have different stores in the States than in the UK.

I remember you telling me about a nice guy who was your boyfriend, forgot his name, my memory is just shot from meds and just life I guess. I am glad he is still around and helps you out. I know some people do better on their own. I get it. I want my time alone, but I hate being always alone. I have Alex, but not the same as a husband, as Michael. I still love and miss him. Over 6 years now and I can't seem to get out and meet anyone and they won't be him. I do feel like he was my soulmate if you believe in that. It is hard to think about marrying someone else, then again, one day Alex will leave and I will be alone and I don't want that, but who is going to want me with all my problems, hard to find someone around my age who is not married and a great guy, cause I never settle. No way! He would have to be a Christian and we would have to feel a connection and just feel "home" with him, comfortable like with Michael. My best friend. Oh and must have a sense of humor, I don't require perfection, but I need someone who can laugh. Michael and I always could make each other laugh and that was the best. :)....oh sorry off I go again.

I like your fanfic. I do want to read it. I haven't felt like doing much. Whatever Alex I got is not good. I have had fever and chills, not bad enough to go to a doctor yet, but I am always aware and if it gets worse or Alex or I can't breathe, I will be calling the doctor. I think it is either a bad head cold or maybe regular flu, but people don't know. People who never had symptoms are testing with the antibodies. I hate this thing!

Re: Sleep, fics, etc.

[badly_knitted]

I was told both times that the tranquillisers were NOT addictive, then they discovered the Ativan was very addictive and instead of weaning m off it, stopped it completely so I went through horrendous withdrawal. Then I was put on Diazepam and that turned out to be addictive too, but I weaned myself off that one gradually with the help of my doctor and I've refused to be put on tranquillisers since, I tried an anti-anxiety drug, but that made me feel worse so I stopped taking it. The tranquillisers are what caused all the anxiety in the first place, now I'm stuck unable to work because I was given the wrong treatments.

When things settle down again maybe you get involved with church activities, that might be the best place for you to meet people and make friends. Who knows, you might meet a nice guy that way, someone you could trust and be comfortable with, but even if you didn't there would be people to talk with and spend time with, maybe you'd feel a little less lonely. *hugs*

Re: Sleep, fics, etc.

[debmommy22]

Oh that is crazy! Tranquilizers are very addictive. What stupid doctor told you they were not?! Well I took them very young and really didn't know either though was told not to take them unless I needed them. Now I got into a habit of taking 3 a day and my body got used to them so it will be horrible if I even decide to come off them for good. They should "never" stop a medication like Ativan cold turkey. I don't know how much you were on, but the withdrawl is horrible. It must have been awful. So doctors just don't have a brain. How did they graduate medical school?

Yeah everyone tells me Church is a good place to meet someone. I never believed that. Never worked for me, but you got to keep going every Sunday. My brother met his wife to be at her Church when he moved to Atlanta to live and work when he was 24 years old. They have been married forever. They are so happy and have 2 sons. My brother is 57 now and she is 55 I think. The second child was born in her late 30's or early 40's. I can't remember now. One is in college the other is a little younger than Alex but they are in the same grade. I guess Robbie is starting 9th grade next year too. Nathan is in college.

I hope I do meet someone when the time is right. Michael had problems too so I figured part of why it worked. Not sure a guy who normal...whatever that is...would want me. Yeah I stay in the house too much. Would be good to get out and meet friends.

Re: Sleep, fics, etc.

[badly_knitted]

It was a psychiatrist who put me on the Ativan then stopped it. My own doctor put me on diazepam but back then, nearly 40 years ago, they didn't know it was so addictive and he was a great help getting me off it so I don't blame him.

The church is at least a good place to socialise with people who share your values. I sometimes miss going to church but I'm not able to go out much anyway, or sit through a service on hard pews. My hips are bad.

I hope you'll meet someone when you're really ready. No one will ever take Michael's place on your heart, but a new man might someday make his own space there. Tings happen when they happen *hugs* You can't rush or force them.

Re: Sleep, fics, etc.

[debmommy22]

Sounds like you had a bad Psychiatrist. I have a friend who got a bad one too and did the same kind of thing to her when coming off a tranquilizer. Glad your regular doctor had some sense took you off the other the diazepam more slowly. That is Valium I just looked it up. Weird I tried that one once and it actually kept me awake at night. It is the oldest of all of them I think.

Yeah Church might be the place. Sorry you can't go and you have so many health problems. I understand.

No can't rush things, just thought after 6 years surely I would meet someone. I waited 10 years to meet Michael cause like I said, I won't settle for the wrong person just so I am not alone.

Re: Sleep, fics, etc.

[badly_knitted]

Yeah, the psychiatrist was never much help. I was on valium at one time, made me like a zombie. It was only for a couple of weeks though.

We all take different amounts of time to recover from losing someone to the point where we can move forward. Maybe you'll meet someone new, maybe you won't but it's not something you can plan to happen withing a set amount of time. If it happens it'll probably be when you least expect it to but that shouldn't keep you from meeting people and socialising. When restriction over such things ease up to the point where people CAN actually spend time together, that is.