Pizza Hut Guidelines
These past weeks I've been steadily learning more and more about my new work environment. Thus far I have compiled these un-official official rules.
--1. Never tell a Puerto Rican you are going to "cut you [them]. Cut you [them] bad, man" with a deadpan expression.
*Reasoning: Those of Latin American backgrounds are accustomed to hearing these words in a nonhumorous/give me yo fuckin wallet manner, and fail to grasp the sarcasm.
--2. When the gothfag dishwasher tells you she takes Depakote and cuts herself because she's "totally crazy," just smile and nod.
*Reasoning: While it's obvious she's just lacking all that personality baggage, depakote has no real side effects, and her arms are barely scratched because she's been using her fingernails like some amateur fucktard, at six bucks an hour it isn't worth making a seventeen year old girl realize I'm not going to validate that tragic self-image she has built up.
--3. Do not move with a sense of urgency; try to amble or stroll.
*Reasoning: My co-workers firmly believe that customers love to be on hold for ten minutes. A 30 second voice-recording set on loop is awesome, only instead of awesome, you get assfucked by lazy teenagers who are working feverishly on other things, like getting their GED so they can "go to Nursing Assistant school and make ten bucks an hour like the pros do." Oprah doesn't earn slave wages, you apathetic bitches.
--4. Make sure your mother has surgery the next day. Every day.
*Reasoning: If your mother is always having surgery in the morning, you never have to stay until close. Should the managers get skeptical, consider replacing mother with one of the following choices: Sister, father, Aunt, uncle, cousin, daughter, son, grandparent, boyfriend, Herbie Handcock and/or Jesus. Sure, I'll have to be inconvenienced and stay 'til midnight on weekends, but hey! I'm white! Good work ethic is in my blood! Or climbing the corporate ladder and firing all minorities, or whichever. I forgot.
--5. Dependable now, awesome later.
*Reasoning: Work as many hours as possible, fulfill your duties to the best of your abilities, learn advanced procedures that will make the manager's life easier, ensure that you are available to open and close at all times, any time. Once the store becomes dependent on you, fuck 'em and demand to only work sweet weekday mid-shift hours, leaving shitty closings and weekend hours to the teenage shitfaces who deserve 'em.
--1. Never tell a Puerto Rican you are going to "cut you [them]. Cut you [them] bad, man" with a deadpan expression.
*Reasoning: Those of Latin American backgrounds are accustomed to hearing these words in a nonhumorous/give me yo fuckin wallet manner, and fail to grasp the sarcasm.
--2. When the gothfag dishwasher tells you she takes Depakote and cuts herself because she's "totally crazy," just smile and nod.
*Reasoning: While it's obvious she's just lacking all that personality baggage, depakote has no real side effects, and her arms are barely scratched because she's been using her fingernails like some amateur fucktard, at six bucks an hour it isn't worth making a seventeen year old girl realize I'm not going to validate that tragic self-image she has built up.
--3. Do not move with a sense of urgency; try to amble or stroll.
*Reasoning: My co-workers firmly believe that customers love to be on hold for ten minutes. A 30 second voice-recording set on loop is awesome, only instead of awesome, you get assfucked by lazy teenagers who are working feverishly on other things, like getting their GED so they can "go to Nursing Assistant school and make ten bucks an hour like the pros do." Oprah doesn't earn slave wages, you apathetic bitches.
--4. Make sure your mother has surgery the next day. Every day.
*Reasoning: If your mother is always having surgery in the morning, you never have to stay until close. Should the managers get skeptical, consider replacing mother with one of the following choices: Sister, father, Aunt, uncle, cousin, daughter, son, grandparent, boyfriend, Herbie Handcock and/or Jesus. Sure, I'll have to be inconvenienced and stay 'til midnight on weekends, but hey! I'm white! Good work ethic is in my blood! Or climbing the corporate ladder and firing all minorities, or whichever. I forgot.
--5. Dependable now, awesome later.
*Reasoning: Work as many hours as possible, fulfill your duties to the best of your abilities, learn advanced procedures that will make the manager's life easier, ensure that you are available to open and close at all times, any time. Once the store becomes dependent on you, fuck 'em and demand to only work sweet weekday mid-shift hours, leaving shitty closings and weekend hours to the teenage shitfaces who deserve 'em.