05 HP Philosopher’s Stone
Ch5 Diagon Alley
>Harry thinking that he dream up the last chapter is cute, but tapping on glass sounds completely different from tapping on wood so I call authorial shenanigans.
>How the owl knows how many and what kind of coins they should accept? Most owls see in monochrome, so differencing by colour is outside their ability.
>What was the point of including Goblins into the story? They could easily be foreign wizards or something...
>And so, since I doubt that Durslays changed their opinion since last chapter, the day starts with kidnapping. Yay! +1 to Crime Count.
>So Hagrid flew to the shack Harry and his family stayed at. As far as I know, it is never explained how he flew.
>Hagrid steals boat Vernon rented (+1 to Crime Count) and abandons Durslays to their fate without any way to get to land. I think this somehow falls under Law of Sea so I’ll just slap another +1 to Crime Count
>”“If I was ter - er - speed things up a bit, would yeh mind not mentionin’ it at Hogwarts?”” Another example of Hagrid expecting kids to cover up for him. I have my eyes on you Rubeus. +1 to Spell Count
>Hagrid here frets over concept of anyone trying to rob Gringotts, but just in this book Voldie does so. By the end of the series bunch of teenagers successfully robs goblins.
>Dumbledore was offered job of MoM, but refused knowing that real power lays in the only wizarding school in Britain. It allows him to mould brains of next generations in shape he prefe-Sorry, but reading this book post DH makes me see events of this book in much harsher light.
>The main job of the ministry is keeping muggles from finding out magic is real. No wonder Weasleys cannot accept Percy’s career, he is trying to be too competent!
>Wizards hide from non magical humans so those inferior muggles cannot bother them for solutions of their problems. I can totally believe that the person, who wrote this series, also wrote the Tales of Beedle the Bard.
>Also +1 to Uncovered, since Hagrid used magic to row into harbour.
>Another +1 to Uncovered for Hagrid acting like an idiot in public places.
>On the shopping list there is note saying that student’s robe should have name tags. Kind of makes you wonder about that scene from CoS where Hermione stole robes of some random student.
>I took a stroll on HP wikia to see what kind of nonsense Rowling spouted about authors of Harry’s textbooks and what struck me most was fact that Magical Theory textbook is at least 10 years old. Can you imagine biology textbook going that long without any updates?
>Update: apparently biology textbook is from 15th century... Dear god...I just can’t...
>The shopping list allows for a pet (that will be as important as plot lets it be) as long as it is cat, toad or owl. Rowling has to have a really low opinion of her readers if she thinks that they won’t notice Ron’s pet is missing from this list.
>First years are not allowed their own broom. They instead are forced to learn how to fly on death traps called school brooms.
>Also why would any student, who isn’t on Quidditch team, take their broom to school? It’s not like we see students chilling out on brooms.
>So this is the moment Harry starts to wonder if this is some kind of joke? If Hagrid was a paedophile he could easily have had his way with Harry by this point.
>Hagrid, instead of snaking Harry in to avoid drama, presents him as ‘business’. Nice going Hagrid.
>Harry shakes Quirrell’s hand yet there is no Horcrux headache. Did I mention that on the same afternoon Quirrell tries to rob Gringotts? Jo, your Chekov’s gun failed you.
>You would expect kid who grew up in cupboard to be overwhelmed by being mobbed by adoring fans, but fear not Harry Potter is on top of things. +1 to Death Count for being stomped into the ground by mob.
>The entrance to Diagonal Alley seems to be very unpractical. What if a wizard from another country needs to do some shopping?
>The description of the Alley looks like it was written for a different book and then copy pasted here, because the author liked it too much to let it go.
>And here comes the first poem of this book. I suppose it’s... nice, but what makes me wonder is this part: “A treasure that was never yours”. Considering what we learn about ownership in goblin culture in the DH, how exactly inheriting money works in WW? Coins are probably made by goblins and person who inherits them didn’t earn them nor were they the person’s possessions...
>Mouldy dog biscuits over official documentation? Honestly goblins are saints, I know people who at very least would try to fine Hagrid into poverty over this mess.
>And then Harry asked a very pointed question: ‘Hagrid, why do you have a key to my vault?’ Just kidding!!
>Also for You-Know-What shenanigans I fine Hagrid +1 to Uncovered; while he didn’t do something that could reveal WW existence, he pretty much telegraphed part of DD’s plan.
>The cart section is annoying. One would think that instead of dragging their clients down to vaults, they would ask what do you want to take out of it and would bring it to you. This way the clients couldn’t try to check security of- Oh god why I’m thinking about stuff the author never even tried to consider?? +1 to Death Count for falling out of the cart.
>From Cinderella to Aladdin, you can thank your author dear.
>”How often had they complained how much Harry cost them to keep?” Do you think that Jo receives some kind of masochistic pleasure from sabotaging her own writing?
>Hagrid describes galleon as gold coin and while I don’t know how big galleon is, as of today 1 gram of gold costs around $40. According to Jo galleon costs 5 pounds so this means that Goblins probably: a) mine the resources needed to create them themselves; b) never trade with muggles; c)are magically forced to trade only with wizards. Take your picks.
>While Hagrid’s ‘pick-me-up’ could be anything, after last chapter I suspect it’s an alcohol. Considering how talkative Hagrid gets after a drink, Quirrell probably isn’t in the pub anymore, or he would learn that attempting bank robbery is pointless. +1 to Death Count, since Hagrid left Harry alone in Alley full of potential followers of Voldie.
>I have to wonder, if Draco has any friends at this point. The way he tries to show off to a ratty looking grumpy boy kind of struck me as something a lonely kid would do.
>Harry, please stop fishing for compliments. Especially from Hagrid.
>“There’s not a single witch or wizard who went bad who wasn’t in Slytherin. You-Know-Who was one.” Not a single witch or wizard Hagrid? Not even Sirius Black? And if Slytherin is so bad, why not dismantle it, hmm? To know which students should be spat on? +1 to Leap of Logic
>Wizarding books are so awesome that even illiterate Dudley would want some. Good to know.
>Harry was trying to find a curse for Dudley, what Hagrid says? “I’m not saying that’s not a good idea, but...”. Ladies and Gentlemen, our ace educator Rubeus Hagrid.
>”A magic wand…this was what Harry had been really looking forward to” Can I start adding points for subtext or are we a little too early in the game for this?
>”[about wand] Well, I say your father favoured it(...)” oh screw it. +2 to FWBP
>Wand chooses the wizard and wand can choose to spread its legs for another wizard if it sees the previous owner being inadequate.
>Rereading this scene reminded me all those theories about Luna being related to Ollivander.
>Dare I ask what a ‘heartstring’ of dragon is?
>And thus we sit through another Sue-y section of the book. Of course Harry cannot have normal wand! +1 to Death Count for potential landslide of wild wands.
>Both our protagonist’s wand and his enemy’s wand share feathers from Dumbledore’s phoenix, because he is responsible for shaping them.
>How Ollivander keeps track of which feather is taken from which phoenix?
>Hagrid and Harry take all those purchases via tube and nobody comes up to them to question them about non-native owl they keep in a cage? +1 to Uncovered.
>Everyone starts at the beginning at Hogwarts, yet Hermione was apparently practising at home while Harry was chased by Letters.
>Hagrid only takes an 11 year old boy to the train that will take him to home. He doesn’t travel with him. He doesn’t take him home to make sure that his family won’t abuse the kid for Hagrid’s fuck up. Rubeus Hagrid: Educator of the year 1991. +1 to Death Count
Crime Count: 3
Death Count: 5
Freud Would Be Proud: 2
Leap of Logic: 1
Uncovered: 4
Spell Count: 1 for Hagrid