Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 9
[Upon hearing the news of the Ministry’s defeat, Harry, Ron, and Hermione scramble to find each other, and then Hermione takes them both away, to Tottenham Court Road]
Ron: I don’t like this place. It’s full of dirty muggles.
Hermione: Never mind that now-we’re safer here than in the company of the Order. We just need to find a place to change.
Harry: But do we even have a change of clothes? Let alone my Invisibility Cloak….
Hermione: Don’t worry-I made sure to bring them with me.
[They eventually find a back alley, and quickly change. Harry puts on the Cloak]
Ron: Hermione, will you be safe in the middle of the city? I think some of the muggles are giving you dirty looks.
Hermione: Oh, please-this is London we’re talking about. I’ll be fine!
Random pub-goer: You there! Girl! You look so rapeable!
Hermione: Let’s just go and not make eye contact.
[Eventually they take refuge in a small, well-lit café]
Ron: Maybe we should go to the Leaky Cauldron to find out what’s going on?
Hermione: We can’t do that. It’ll look suspicious. Besides, we already know what happened. We know Voldemort took over the Ministry.
Waitress: Are you going to order anything?
Hermione: Oh, just bring us two coffees.
[Not long afterward, two strange workmen come inside]
Harry: I know them! They’re Death Eaters!
Death Eaters: Oh, shit-we’ve been discovered!
Harry: Stupefy!
[Harry manages to hit the first one, but that still leaves the second]
Harry: Stupefy again!
[He misses and hits the waitress instead]
Hermione: Petrificus totalus!
Death Eater: Aaaaah! [Falls over]
Hermione: Looks like we’ve subdued them successfully. Now what do we do?
Ron: Maybe we should kill them and get this over with.
Hermione: No, that would be too obvious.
Harry: Too obvious for a noble Chosen One like me who tries never to kill if he can help it?
Ron and Hermione: [Snicker]
Harry: What?!
Hermione: Don’t you think it would be easier to wipe their memories?
Ron: Yeah, great. [Pause] How do I do that?
Hermione: I don’t know.
Ron: Didn’t you say you wiped your parents’ memories?
Hermione: Oh, I know how to do them-just not how to make your dumb ass understand them. Never mind.
[Hermione wipes the two Death Eaters’ memories]
Harry: Now what do we do?
Hermione: Let’s get out of here. Just leave the waitress there-she’s only a muggle after all.
Harry: I still don’t understand how the Death Eaters found us. Could it be something to do with me? Am I just that much of a danger magnet? [Bursts into tears]
Hermione: Never mind that now. What we need is a place to hide where we can figure things out.
Harry: Oh, I have one! Let’s go to Gimmauld Place!
Hermione: But, don’t you think, oh, Snape might be there?
Harry: Well, if he is there I’ll just kill him, won’t I? Come on, it’s the only place we’ve got left.
Hermione: Well, I don’t suppose we can argue about this.
[Ron uses the Deluminator to turn off the light in the café, and then they all apparate to Grimmauld Place]
Harry: Well, so far it seems to be alright….
[But no sooner have they set foot inside than they’re greeted by a great dusty figure looking like Dumbledore’s ghost!]
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: AAAAAAGH! [Clutch at each other in fear]
Figure: AAAAAAAGH! [Explodes into dust]
Harry: So…ah…what was that thing?
Hermione: Some sort of spell to ward off intruders, probably. [She checks the house for people using her magic] Well, it looks deserted. Let’s go inside.
Harry: AAAAGH! I had a flash of Voldie-vision again!
Ron: Did you see anything?
Harry: No, I just…generally felt angry. Oh, well.
Hermione: Oh well?! Harry, that connection is dangerous! Learn to control it, dammit!
[But soon a weasel patronus belonging to Mr. Weasley appears]
Weasel: Don’t worry, Ron, we’re all safe.
Ron: Oh, thank God!
Weasel: Well, I mean, did you really think any of us would die before the big finale?
Ron: Maybe?
[But Harry has another brief flash]
Harry: I…ah…need the bathroom.
[Harry gets to the bathroom, where he’s overcome by Voldie-vision!]
Voldemort: And now, Draco, you must torture Rowle for his incompetence!
Draco: But I don’t wanna! [Cries]
Voldemort: Do as I say, dammit! Or I won’t let you have any more East Anglian craft ale!
Draco: I never cared for craft ales anyway. Why can’t you do it yourself, if you’re so ruthless and evil?!
Voldemort: JUST DO IT ALREADY MY SLAVE! Or do I have to remind you to what extent you’re my slave and utterly under my control?!
Draco: No, dear Master. You do not.
[Draco makes Rowle scream in agony]
Harry: Oh, wow, Draco is miserable. I can’t believe I ever took him seriously as a threat he’s so pathetic.
Hermione: Harry, I’ve got your toothbrush!
Harry: Great, thanks!
Ron: I don’t like this place. It’s full of dirty muggles.
Hermione: Never mind that now-we’re safer here than in the company of the Order. We just need to find a place to change.
Harry: But do we even have a change of clothes? Let alone my Invisibility Cloak….
Hermione: Don’t worry-I made sure to bring them with me.
[They eventually find a back alley, and quickly change. Harry puts on the Cloak]
Ron: Hermione, will you be safe in the middle of the city? I think some of the muggles are giving you dirty looks.
Hermione: Oh, please-this is London we’re talking about. I’ll be fine!
Random pub-goer: You there! Girl! You look so rapeable!
Hermione: Let’s just go and not make eye contact.
[Eventually they take refuge in a small, well-lit café]
Ron: Maybe we should go to the Leaky Cauldron to find out what’s going on?
Hermione: We can’t do that. It’ll look suspicious. Besides, we already know what happened. We know Voldemort took over the Ministry.
Waitress: Are you going to order anything?
Hermione: Oh, just bring us two coffees.
[Not long afterward, two strange workmen come inside]
Harry: I know them! They’re Death Eaters!
Death Eaters: Oh, shit-we’ve been discovered!
Harry: Stupefy!
[Harry manages to hit the first one, but that still leaves the second]
Harry: Stupefy again!
[He misses and hits the waitress instead]
Hermione: Petrificus totalus!
Death Eater: Aaaaah! [Falls over]
Hermione: Looks like we’ve subdued them successfully. Now what do we do?
Ron: Maybe we should kill them and get this over with.
Hermione: No, that would be too obvious.
Harry: Too obvious for a noble Chosen One like me who tries never to kill if he can help it?
Ron and Hermione: [Snicker]
Harry: What?!
Hermione: Don’t you think it would be easier to wipe their memories?
Ron: Yeah, great. [Pause] How do I do that?
Hermione: I don’t know.
Ron: Didn’t you say you wiped your parents’ memories?
Hermione: Oh, I know how to do them-just not how to make your dumb ass understand them. Never mind.
[Hermione wipes the two Death Eaters’ memories]
Harry: Now what do we do?
Hermione: Let’s get out of here. Just leave the waitress there-she’s only a muggle after all.
Harry: I still don’t understand how the Death Eaters found us. Could it be something to do with me? Am I just that much of a danger magnet? [Bursts into tears]
Hermione: Never mind that now. What we need is a place to hide where we can figure things out.
Harry: Oh, I have one! Let’s go to Gimmauld Place!
Hermione: But, don’t you think, oh, Snape might be there?
Harry: Well, if he is there I’ll just kill him, won’t I? Come on, it’s the only place we’ve got left.
Hermione: Well, I don’t suppose we can argue about this.
[Ron uses the Deluminator to turn off the light in the café, and then they all apparate to Grimmauld Place]
Harry: Well, so far it seems to be alright….
[But no sooner have they set foot inside than they’re greeted by a great dusty figure looking like Dumbledore’s ghost!]
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: AAAAAAGH! [Clutch at each other in fear]
Figure: AAAAAAAGH! [Explodes into dust]
Harry: So…ah…what was that thing?
Hermione: Some sort of spell to ward off intruders, probably. [She checks the house for people using her magic] Well, it looks deserted. Let’s go inside.
Harry: AAAAGH! I had a flash of Voldie-vision again!
Ron: Did you see anything?
Harry: No, I just…generally felt angry. Oh, well.
Hermione: Oh well?! Harry, that connection is dangerous! Learn to control it, dammit!
[But soon a weasel patronus belonging to Mr. Weasley appears]
Weasel: Don’t worry, Ron, we’re all safe.
Ron: Oh, thank God!
Weasel: Well, I mean, did you really think any of us would die before the big finale?
Ron: Maybe?
[But Harry has another brief flash]
Harry: I…ah…need the bathroom.
[Harry gets to the bathroom, where he’s overcome by Voldie-vision!]
Voldemort: And now, Draco, you must torture Rowle for his incompetence!
Draco: But I don’t wanna! [Cries]
Voldemort: Do as I say, dammit! Or I won’t let you have any more East Anglian craft ale!
Draco: I never cared for craft ales anyway. Why can’t you do it yourself, if you’re so ruthless and evil?!
Voldemort: JUST DO IT ALREADY MY SLAVE! Or do I have to remind you to what extent you’re my slave and utterly under my control?!
Draco: No, dear Master. You do not.
[Draco makes Rowle scream in agony]
Harry: Oh, wow, Draco is miserable. I can’t believe I ever took him seriously as a threat he’s so pathetic.
Hermione: Harry, I’ve got your toothbrush!
Harry: Great, thanks!