Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 10
[Harry wakes up the next morning in a sleeping bag on the floor]
Harry: Oh, look-Ron and Hermione have fallen asleep holding hands. I suppose they’re practicing for when they marry. [Reflects] Oh, why did Dumbledore keep so much from me?! Was he as bad as Dudley, in his treatment of his sister? Did he even care about me at all?!
[Harry eventually gets restless and decides to go wandering around]
Harry: I think I’ll go visit Sirius’s room. [Steps inside] I see his wall has girlie posters on it. That’s odd-I always assumed he was gay. Oh, and look, there’s a picture of the Marauders on the wall! My father looks great in that picture! I don’t mind that he bullied other students and misused his power over them when he was at school!
[After a brief search, he finds the remains of a letter his mother had written to Sirius]
Harry: Apparently Sirius gave me a toy broom when I was one year old. Oh, and my parents knew Bathilda Bagshot! Clearly this has some deep significance I had never even considered before! But…but…oh, the last bit, which says something about Dumbledore, has been lost. Oh, woe! Will my mother’s views on my angel forever remain a secret? [Goes to sit down] Oh, and they had a cat. I wonder what happened to it. Oh, well-it’s not like animals matter much to us wizards.
[Harry attempts to search for the remains of the letter, but to no avail, although he does find a picture of himself flying on the broom]
Hermione: Harry, Harry! Where are you?!
Harry: Coming! [He steps outside Sirius’s room to greet Hermione]
Hermione: Oh, thank goodness-Ron and I were so worried about you! What on earth were you doing?
Harry: I was just looking at this totally mysterious letter my mother wrote years ago. Unfortunately the rest of it appears to have been lost. But, I did find out, get this, that my parents knew Bathilda Bagshot! What a revelation!
Hermione: I’ll say it is. She was the one who wrote our textbook. But…Harry, do you really think this will help us track down the Horcruxes?
Harry: Well…how many other leads do we have right now? Besides, Auntie Muriel said that Bathilda Bagshot had confided lots of information on Dumbledore to Rita Skeeter.
Hermione: And? Since when have you ever taken anything Rita Skeeter said seriously?
Harry: I just feel like this time is different. That Dumbledore isn’t the angel I had always imagined him to be.
Hermione: But the Horcruxes, Harry!
Harry: What about the Horcruxes?
Hermione: …Never mind. Let’s just have breakfast.
[Harry starts to follow Hermione downstairs, but as he does so, he spots the sign on the other bedroom…]
Harry: Aha!
Hermione: What?
Harry: Regulus Arcturus Black! He was the one who stole the Horcrux locket!
Hermione: Regulus Arcturus Black? [Comes back up the stairs] So it is!
Harry: Ron, Ron! Come upstairs!
[Ron comes to join Harry and Hermione]
Ron: R.A.B? I could have told you that.
[The Trio search Regulus’s room for the locket, but find nothing]
Hermione: I just thought of something. I remember seeing a locket, but…fuck, we threw it away!
Harry: Oh, no! [Pause] Wait a moment…there is one person who might still have it! Kreacher!
[Kreacher appears]
Kreacher: Yes, what is it this time?
Harry: I want you to tell me the truth: Did you find a big golden locket in the rubbish of this house, and do you know where it is?
Kreacher: Oh, that locket? Yeah, I remember seeing it.
Harry: Where is it?!
Kreacher: Mundungus Fletcher stole it. [Buries face in hands] And I let him do it. I betrayed Regulus Black, the only one I ever loved! [Cries]
Harry: You betrayed Regulus Black, you said? Why don’t you tell me everything you know about what happened?
Kreacher: Alright, alright. I’ll tell you. [Wipes nose] At first Master Regulus Black was a loyal servant of the Dark Lord, see. But then, one day, he told me that his master required an elf for an experiment. I agreed at once, because I could deny my true love nothing. So I went to a dark cave, which had a lake, and a birdbath in the center, and the Dark Lord brought me there, and forced me to drink the potion in the birdbath. I hated it, it gave me the most awful headache. But I finished. And then the Dark Lord put the locket in the birdbath and sailed away.
Harry: And you escaped?
Kreacher: [affronted] As if I would abandon my true love Regulus Black!
Harry: No, I mean, how?
Kreacher: [dryly] Magic, of course.
Harry: Well, shit, I didn’t know you had such powerful magic!
Ron: Plot twist: house-elves’ magic is way stronger than ours. They can apparate inside and around Hogwarts; we can’t.
Harry: You learn something new every day. [to Kreacher] So then what happened?
Kreacher: Well, sometime later, Master Regulus Black went to that very same birdbath. I was with him the whole time. He drank the potion in the birdbath, gave me a locket to replace the one at the bottom with, and told me to destroy it. And then…he…he…! [Bursts into tears]
Hermione: Wow, that’s awful. [Tries to pat Kreacher sympathetically]
Kreacher: Eew! I didn’t ask for your pity.
Harry: Hey! You will be nice to my friends, you ungrateful scum!
Hermione: No, no-it’s fine. He can’t help himself.
Kreacher: Can’t help myself?! I think I prefer your Chosen One friend!
Harry: Well…let’s get back to the story. So, you never did destroy the locket, did you?
Kreacher: No. I tried everything in my power, but nothing worked. [Sobs] My poor darling Regulus, dead in vain!
Harry: This elf is not making sense to me. What do I do with him?
Hermione: No doubt he’s mourning the loss of the one master who treated him well. We know Sirius didn’t. After all, with his simple mind there’s no way he could appreciate such concepts as morality or good and evil. All he cares about is getting treated well, whether that’s by Regulus or the Malfoys.
Kreacher: Don’t say things like that, you ignorant girl! Regulus was my one true love! We should have been together forever! [Cries]
Harry: Kreacher, Kreacher. I’ll make you a deal.
Kreacher: What kind of deal?
Harry: I have a favor to ask you, and if you do it I promise I’ll treat you nicely from now on. I’ll treat you just the same way Regulus did. I’ll even let you sleep with me, if that’s what you want!
Ron and Hermione: [Mouths drop open]
Kreacher: [Snickers] As if you could ever replace my dear Master Regulus. But, since you’re obviously desperate, I suppose I can find it in me to help you out.
Harry: Great, great. All I need is for you to find Mundungus Fletcher and bring him to me.
Kreacher: Oh, that’s easy.
Harry: I’ll even give you Regulus’s replacement locket! [Hands over the locket]
Kreacher: Wonderful! Now I have one last keepsake to remember my dear love by! Well, I’ll be back with Mundungus before you know it! [Disappears]
Harry: Oh, look-Ron and Hermione have fallen asleep holding hands. I suppose they’re practicing for when they marry. [Reflects] Oh, why did Dumbledore keep so much from me?! Was he as bad as Dudley, in his treatment of his sister? Did he even care about me at all?!
[Harry eventually gets restless and decides to go wandering around]
Harry: I think I’ll go visit Sirius’s room. [Steps inside] I see his wall has girlie posters on it. That’s odd-I always assumed he was gay. Oh, and look, there’s a picture of the Marauders on the wall! My father looks great in that picture! I don’t mind that he bullied other students and misused his power over them when he was at school!
[After a brief search, he finds the remains of a letter his mother had written to Sirius]
Harry: Apparently Sirius gave me a toy broom when I was one year old. Oh, and my parents knew Bathilda Bagshot! Clearly this has some deep significance I had never even considered before! But…but…oh, the last bit, which says something about Dumbledore, has been lost. Oh, woe! Will my mother’s views on my angel forever remain a secret? [Goes to sit down] Oh, and they had a cat. I wonder what happened to it. Oh, well-it’s not like animals matter much to us wizards.
[Harry attempts to search for the remains of the letter, but to no avail, although he does find a picture of himself flying on the broom]
Hermione: Harry, Harry! Where are you?!
Harry: Coming! [He steps outside Sirius’s room to greet Hermione]
Hermione: Oh, thank goodness-Ron and I were so worried about you! What on earth were you doing?
Harry: I was just looking at this totally mysterious letter my mother wrote years ago. Unfortunately the rest of it appears to have been lost. But, I did find out, get this, that my parents knew Bathilda Bagshot! What a revelation!
Hermione: I’ll say it is. She was the one who wrote our textbook. But…Harry, do you really think this will help us track down the Horcruxes?
Harry: Well…how many other leads do we have right now? Besides, Auntie Muriel said that Bathilda Bagshot had confided lots of information on Dumbledore to Rita Skeeter.
Hermione: And? Since when have you ever taken anything Rita Skeeter said seriously?
Harry: I just feel like this time is different. That Dumbledore isn’t the angel I had always imagined him to be.
Hermione: But the Horcruxes, Harry!
Harry: What about the Horcruxes?
Hermione: …Never mind. Let’s just have breakfast.
[Harry starts to follow Hermione downstairs, but as he does so, he spots the sign on the other bedroom…]
Harry: Aha!
Hermione: What?
Harry: Regulus Arcturus Black! He was the one who stole the Horcrux locket!
Hermione: Regulus Arcturus Black? [Comes back up the stairs] So it is!
Harry: Ron, Ron! Come upstairs!
[Ron comes to join Harry and Hermione]
Ron: R.A.B? I could have told you that.
[The Trio search Regulus’s room for the locket, but find nothing]
Hermione: I just thought of something. I remember seeing a locket, but…fuck, we threw it away!
Harry: Oh, no! [Pause] Wait a moment…there is one person who might still have it! Kreacher!
[Kreacher appears]
Kreacher: Yes, what is it this time?
Harry: I want you to tell me the truth: Did you find a big golden locket in the rubbish of this house, and do you know where it is?
Kreacher: Oh, that locket? Yeah, I remember seeing it.
Harry: Where is it?!
Kreacher: Mundungus Fletcher stole it. [Buries face in hands] And I let him do it. I betrayed Regulus Black, the only one I ever loved! [Cries]
Harry: You betrayed Regulus Black, you said? Why don’t you tell me everything you know about what happened?
Kreacher: Alright, alright. I’ll tell you. [Wipes nose] At first Master Regulus Black was a loyal servant of the Dark Lord, see. But then, one day, he told me that his master required an elf for an experiment. I agreed at once, because I could deny my true love nothing. So I went to a dark cave, which had a lake, and a birdbath in the center, and the Dark Lord brought me there, and forced me to drink the potion in the birdbath. I hated it, it gave me the most awful headache. But I finished. And then the Dark Lord put the locket in the birdbath and sailed away.
Harry: And you escaped?
Kreacher: [affronted] As if I would abandon my true love Regulus Black!
Harry: No, I mean, how?
Kreacher: [dryly] Magic, of course.
Harry: Well, shit, I didn’t know you had such powerful magic!
Ron: Plot twist: house-elves’ magic is way stronger than ours. They can apparate inside and around Hogwarts; we can’t.
Harry: You learn something new every day. [to Kreacher] So then what happened?
Kreacher: Well, sometime later, Master Regulus Black went to that very same birdbath. I was with him the whole time. He drank the potion in the birdbath, gave me a locket to replace the one at the bottom with, and told me to destroy it. And then…he…he…! [Bursts into tears]
Hermione: Wow, that’s awful. [Tries to pat Kreacher sympathetically]
Kreacher: Eew! I didn’t ask for your pity.
Harry: Hey! You will be nice to my friends, you ungrateful scum!
Hermione: No, no-it’s fine. He can’t help himself.
Kreacher: Can’t help myself?! I think I prefer your Chosen One friend!
Harry: Well…let’s get back to the story. So, you never did destroy the locket, did you?
Kreacher: No. I tried everything in my power, but nothing worked. [Sobs] My poor darling Regulus, dead in vain!
Harry: This elf is not making sense to me. What do I do with him?
Hermione: No doubt he’s mourning the loss of the one master who treated him well. We know Sirius didn’t. After all, with his simple mind there’s no way he could appreciate such concepts as morality or good and evil. All he cares about is getting treated well, whether that’s by Regulus or the Malfoys.
Kreacher: Don’t say things like that, you ignorant girl! Regulus was my one true love! We should have been together forever! [Cries]
Harry: Kreacher, Kreacher. I’ll make you a deal.
Kreacher: What kind of deal?
Harry: I have a favor to ask you, and if you do it I promise I’ll treat you nicely from now on. I’ll treat you just the same way Regulus did. I’ll even let you sleep with me, if that’s what you want!
Ron and Hermione: [Mouths drop open]
Kreacher: [Snickers] As if you could ever replace my dear Master Regulus. But, since you’re obviously desperate, I suppose I can find it in me to help you out.
Harry: Great, great. All I need is for you to find Mundungus Fletcher and bring him to me.
Kreacher: Oh, that’s easy.
Harry: I’ll even give you Regulus’s replacement locket! [Hands over the locket]
Kreacher: Wonderful! Now I have one last keepsake to remember my dear love by! Well, I’ll be back with Mundungus before you know it! [Disappears]