Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 7
[The next morning, Harry wakes up from a strange dream]
Ron: Harry, you look terrible!
Harry: Do I?
Ron: Yeah. I heard you muttering about “Gregorovitch” in your sleep.
Harry: Gregorovitch? What on earth could that possibly mean? I suspect I’ll find out at the most plot-relevant moment.
Ron: So you think you were in Voldemort’s head again?
Harry: Without a doubt.
Ron: So it goes. But, anyway, it’s your birthday today, isn’t it?
Harry: Yes, that’s right! Now I can use magic! Accio glasses! [Gets poked in the eye with glasses] Ow….
Ron: I’ve even got you a present! [Hands Harry a book] It’s supposed to tell you how to pick up girls.
Harry: Oh, please. I’m the Chosen One. Any girls I want will surely come flocking to me now! Keep your books to yourself!
Ron: No need to remind me….
[They go to breakfast, where Harry finds an array of presents]
Harry: Yay! Presents! [He opens the boxes] …Say, will any of this stuff actually be useful?
Hermione: My Sneakoscope is pretty useful….
Harry: Oh, well-I’m the Chosen One so I deserve all the tribute I get anyway! [Pause] Say, where is Hermione?
Hermione: I’m right here! I’m just doing laundry for no apparent reason!
Ron: Now why on earth would you do that? My mother could have done it herself.
Hermione: Well I’m going to be doing your laundry after we get married so I might as well get used to the idea.
Ron: Don’t remind me.
Ginny: Harry, Harry! Will you come to my room for some hot lovin’?
Harry: Oh, how could I refuse?!
[Harry follows Ginny to her room]
Ginny: So, anyway, I completely forgot about your present so instead I’ll just kiss you on the mouth!
[Ginny kisses Harry on the mouth until Ron and Hermione burst in]
Ron: Harry, now is so not the time!
Ginny: Oh, no, this wasn’t supposed to happen. This isn’t going how I planned….
[Harry follows Ron and Hermione outside]
Harry: I don’t see what your problem is. She’s my future wife-surely I have the right to kiss her if I want to?
Ron: Please don’t remind me of “future wives” and “destiny” and all that sort of thing. I just want to live in the moment.
Harry: I see I’ve hit a nerve.
[Everyone decorates a table for Harry’s birthday, and Mrs. Weasley sets out a cake shaped like a Golden Snitch]
Mrs. Weasley: After all, gimmicky cakes based on your favorite sport never go out of style, even when you’re seventeen!
[Hagrid, Lupin, Charlie, and Tonks arrive a little later]
Hagrid: By the way, Harry, I have something important for you. [Hands Harry a bag] It’s made of Moke skin so it shrinks automatically and only you can get stuff out of it!
Harry: Oh, thank you, Hagrid! I will cherish it forever and put it to good use, I promise!
Charlie: Incidentally, that dragon you helped smuggle to us is alive and well, and is female, funnily enough.
Hagrid: Oh, please-you went for that cliché?
[Mr. Weasley arrives as everyone’s sitting down to eat, and brings the Minister of Magic with him]
Harry: Oh, no! Not him again!
Scrimgeour: Greetings, all of you!
Harry: What is it you want?
Scrimgeour: Oh, I just want to meet with you. And your two friends. [Zaps Ron and Hermione]
Harry: God help us all!
[They go off with Scrimgeour]
Scrimgeour: So, anyway, Albus Dumbledore left a will, which for some inexplicable reason stipulates that you three get his possessions. I don’t understand that at all. I mean, Harry is the Chosen One, so him I can understand, but...these other two people?
Harry: Well, they’re Chosen Ones by association, clearly!
Scrimgeour: Yes, yes. Well, anyway, I have the things here. [Brings out a box of stuff, which he accidentally zaps] Don’t worry-they’re still intact!
Hermione: How on earth did Dumbledore’s things end up in the hands of an imbecile like you?!
Scrimgeour: I’m the Minister of Magic-I have the right.
Hermione: You have the right to treat our beloved Dumbledore’s things like common cursed goods?! How dare you!
Scrimgeour: We can’t be too careful in these times, you know! [Zaps Hermione]
Hermione: Ow….
Scrimgeour: Ron Weasley! [Zaps Ron]
Ron: [Whimpers] Ow…. What is it?
Scrimgeour: Were you particularly close to Dumbledore?
Ron: No, no I wasn’t. It was all Harry.
Hermione: Ron, if you keep talking like that you won’t get any of Dumbledore’s exclusive stuff!
Scrimgeour: Nobody asked you! [Zaps Hermione] Ahem, Ron Weasley, if you were not close with Dumbledore, as you claim, then how do you account for the fact that he left you with his Deluminator? [Brandishes Deluminator]
Ron: Aaagh! Please don’t hurt me! I don’t know anything!
Scrimgeour: This is getting me nowhere. Oh, well. [Throws Deluminator to Ron] Hermione Granger! [Zaps Hermione]
Hermione: Yes? What is it?
Scrimgeour: Explain to me why Dumbledore left you his copy of Beedle the Bard.
Hermione: I don’t know anything about any Beedle the Bard. [Takes book]
Scrimgeour: You have no idea whatsoever why he might have left it to you?
Hermione: Well…it’s true that I liked books.
Scrimgeour: You liked books? That’s his rationale for leaving you this extremely ancient book that rightly belongs in a museum? [Zaps Hermione]
Hermione: Makes sense to me.
Scrimgeour: You don’t suppose he’s trying to pass you a coded message via this book?
Hermione: What coded message would he possibly have for me? “Take care of the Chosen One because he’s an idiot who can’t even wash his own socks?”
Harry: Hey!
Scrimgeour: Speaking of which! [Zaps Harry] So, Harry, it says here, Dumbledore’s left you your first ever Golden Snitch. Now why on earth would he want to waste a perfectly good piece of quidditch equipment on a brainless fool like you?
Harry: Fuck you! Only Dumbledore gets to call me a brainless fool!
Scrimgeour: Might it have anything to do with your birthday cake? It’s also shaped like a Golden Snitch.
Harry: What’s my birthday cake got to do with anything?! I didn’t even know about this Snitch until just now!
Scrimgeour: [Zaps Harry]
Hermione: Maybe it’s something to do with the flesh memory of the Snitch? You know, they say the first player to catch the Snitch develops a special connection to it!
Scrimgeour: I could have told him that…. [Zaps Hermione]
Harry: [Takes Snitch] This Snitch says here, “I open at the close.” I wonder what that could possibly mean.
[The Snitch refuses to open, however]
Scrimgeour: Oh, well. Never mind that now. I should tell you, Harry, that Dumbledore did leave you one other thing.
Harry: Oh, really?! What was it?!
Scrimgeour: Oh, just the Sword of Gryffindor.
Harry: Awesome! Give it to me noooooooow!
Scrimgeour: I can’t do that! That sword is an extremely valuable artifact! I can’t just give it to any random teenager!
Harry: Oh, because it’s so much safer in the hands of someone like you?!
Scrimgeour: No, it’s back at Hogwarts. You know, the school its owner helped to found?
Hermione: Who cares about that stupid school?! It has no right to the sword! That sword rightfully belongs to Harry now! If Dumbledore wills it, so shall it be!
Scrimgeour: [Zaps Harry, Ron, and Hermione] Listen! Listen! Listen! Listen! Listen! Listen, you stupid kids, it’s not up to me to hand you things on a silver platter just because Dumbledore wants me to! Did you ever think that your priorities are not the only ones in play?!
Harry: Who cares?! I’m the Chosen One! What I want is the only thing that matters in this world! The sooner you accept that the sooner we’ll get along!
Scrimgeour: Aaaaaargh you are just so frustrating! [Raises his wand to zap Harry again]
[Just then, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley enter]
Mrs. Weasley: Is everything alright?
Scrimgeour: Aaagh! [Zaps Mr. and Mrs. Weasley] Oops! Sorry, you two!
Mr. and Mrs. Weasley: [Facepalm]
Harry: Aha! It appears your time here is up, Minister of Magic! [Sticks up two fingers of his hand, revealing his scars in the process] Now go away and leave me alone!
Scrimgeour: You ungrateful punk…. [Leaves]
[Harry, Ron, and Hermione rejoin everyone else at the dinner table, where they pass around the things Dumbledore gave them]
Mrs. Weasley: These are just so random. What use could they possibly have?
[After dinner, Harry, Ron, and Hermione retire to their rooms]
Ron: I don’t understand why Dumbledore would give me this. Surely Peruvian instant-darkness powder would have exactly the same effect?
Hermione: It really doesn’t seem to make any sense, does it?
Harry: I just thought of something! I remember the first time I played Quidditch I caught the Snitch in my mouth! So…maybe if I put it in my mouth again, I’ll be able to open it!
[Harry puts the Snitch in his mouth, but it still won’t open]
Hermione: Anyway, what does Beedle the Bard have to do with any of this?
Ron: Well, Beedle the Bard was a famous author of children’s stories.
Hermione: Children’s stories? You mean, like, Cinderella?
Ron: Who?
Hermione: I’ll take that as a yes.
Ron: Is Cinderella a story all about the inevitability of death?
Hermione: No. It’s about something quite different, actually.
Ron: Then it’s nothing like Beedle’s stories.
Harry: Ron, Hermione, all this thinking is hard. It’s making me sleepy.
Hermione: Come to think of it, we should be getting to bed now, shouldn’t we?
Ron: Agreed. The wedding is tomorrow, after all.
[So they all go to sleep]
Ron: Harry, you look terrible!
Harry: Do I?
Ron: Yeah. I heard you muttering about “Gregorovitch” in your sleep.
Harry: Gregorovitch? What on earth could that possibly mean? I suspect I’ll find out at the most plot-relevant moment.
Ron: So you think you were in Voldemort’s head again?
Harry: Without a doubt.
Ron: So it goes. But, anyway, it’s your birthday today, isn’t it?
Harry: Yes, that’s right! Now I can use magic! Accio glasses! [Gets poked in the eye with glasses] Ow….
Ron: I’ve even got you a present! [Hands Harry a book] It’s supposed to tell you how to pick up girls.
Harry: Oh, please. I’m the Chosen One. Any girls I want will surely come flocking to me now! Keep your books to yourself!
Ron: No need to remind me….
[They go to breakfast, where Harry finds an array of presents]
Harry: Yay! Presents! [He opens the boxes] …Say, will any of this stuff actually be useful?
Hermione: My Sneakoscope is pretty useful….
Harry: Oh, well-I’m the Chosen One so I deserve all the tribute I get anyway! [Pause] Say, where is Hermione?
Hermione: I’m right here! I’m just doing laundry for no apparent reason!
Ron: Now why on earth would you do that? My mother could have done it herself.
Hermione: Well I’m going to be doing your laundry after we get married so I might as well get used to the idea.
Ron: Don’t remind me.
Ginny: Harry, Harry! Will you come to my room for some hot lovin’?
Harry: Oh, how could I refuse?!
[Harry follows Ginny to her room]
Ginny: So, anyway, I completely forgot about your present so instead I’ll just kiss you on the mouth!
[Ginny kisses Harry on the mouth until Ron and Hermione burst in]
Ron: Harry, now is so not the time!
Ginny: Oh, no, this wasn’t supposed to happen. This isn’t going how I planned….
[Harry follows Ron and Hermione outside]
Harry: I don’t see what your problem is. She’s my future wife-surely I have the right to kiss her if I want to?
Ron: Please don’t remind me of “future wives” and “destiny” and all that sort of thing. I just want to live in the moment.
Harry: I see I’ve hit a nerve.
[Everyone decorates a table for Harry’s birthday, and Mrs. Weasley sets out a cake shaped like a Golden Snitch]
Mrs. Weasley: After all, gimmicky cakes based on your favorite sport never go out of style, even when you’re seventeen!
[Hagrid, Lupin, Charlie, and Tonks arrive a little later]
Hagrid: By the way, Harry, I have something important for you. [Hands Harry a bag] It’s made of Moke skin so it shrinks automatically and only you can get stuff out of it!
Harry: Oh, thank you, Hagrid! I will cherish it forever and put it to good use, I promise!
Charlie: Incidentally, that dragon you helped smuggle to us is alive and well, and is female, funnily enough.
Hagrid: Oh, please-you went for that cliché?
[Mr. Weasley arrives as everyone’s sitting down to eat, and brings the Minister of Magic with him]
Harry: Oh, no! Not him again!
Scrimgeour: Greetings, all of you!
Harry: What is it you want?
Scrimgeour: Oh, I just want to meet with you. And your two friends. [Zaps Ron and Hermione]
Harry: God help us all!
[They go off with Scrimgeour]
Scrimgeour: So, anyway, Albus Dumbledore left a will, which for some inexplicable reason stipulates that you three get his possessions. I don’t understand that at all. I mean, Harry is the Chosen One, so him I can understand, but...these other two people?
Harry: Well, they’re Chosen Ones by association, clearly!
Scrimgeour: Yes, yes. Well, anyway, I have the things here. [Brings out a box of stuff, which he accidentally zaps] Don’t worry-they’re still intact!
Hermione: How on earth did Dumbledore’s things end up in the hands of an imbecile like you?!
Scrimgeour: I’m the Minister of Magic-I have the right.
Hermione: You have the right to treat our beloved Dumbledore’s things like common cursed goods?! How dare you!
Scrimgeour: We can’t be too careful in these times, you know! [Zaps Hermione]
Hermione: Ow….
Scrimgeour: Ron Weasley! [Zaps Ron]
Ron: [Whimpers] Ow…. What is it?
Scrimgeour: Were you particularly close to Dumbledore?
Ron: No, no I wasn’t. It was all Harry.
Hermione: Ron, if you keep talking like that you won’t get any of Dumbledore’s exclusive stuff!
Scrimgeour: Nobody asked you! [Zaps Hermione] Ahem, Ron Weasley, if you were not close with Dumbledore, as you claim, then how do you account for the fact that he left you with his Deluminator? [Brandishes Deluminator]
Ron: Aaagh! Please don’t hurt me! I don’t know anything!
Scrimgeour: This is getting me nowhere. Oh, well. [Throws Deluminator to Ron] Hermione Granger! [Zaps Hermione]
Hermione: Yes? What is it?
Scrimgeour: Explain to me why Dumbledore left you his copy of Beedle the Bard.
Hermione: I don’t know anything about any Beedle the Bard. [Takes book]
Scrimgeour: You have no idea whatsoever why he might have left it to you?
Hermione: Well…it’s true that I liked books.
Scrimgeour: You liked books? That’s his rationale for leaving you this extremely ancient book that rightly belongs in a museum? [Zaps Hermione]
Hermione: Makes sense to me.
Scrimgeour: You don’t suppose he’s trying to pass you a coded message via this book?
Hermione: What coded message would he possibly have for me? “Take care of the Chosen One because he’s an idiot who can’t even wash his own socks?”
Harry: Hey!
Scrimgeour: Speaking of which! [Zaps Harry] So, Harry, it says here, Dumbledore’s left you your first ever Golden Snitch. Now why on earth would he want to waste a perfectly good piece of quidditch equipment on a brainless fool like you?
Harry: Fuck you! Only Dumbledore gets to call me a brainless fool!
Scrimgeour: Might it have anything to do with your birthday cake? It’s also shaped like a Golden Snitch.
Harry: What’s my birthday cake got to do with anything?! I didn’t even know about this Snitch until just now!
Scrimgeour: [Zaps Harry]
Hermione: Maybe it’s something to do with the flesh memory of the Snitch? You know, they say the first player to catch the Snitch develops a special connection to it!
Scrimgeour: I could have told him that…. [Zaps Hermione]
Harry: [Takes Snitch] This Snitch says here, “I open at the close.” I wonder what that could possibly mean.
[The Snitch refuses to open, however]
Scrimgeour: Oh, well. Never mind that now. I should tell you, Harry, that Dumbledore did leave you one other thing.
Harry: Oh, really?! What was it?!
Scrimgeour: Oh, just the Sword of Gryffindor.
Harry: Awesome! Give it to me noooooooow!
Scrimgeour: I can’t do that! That sword is an extremely valuable artifact! I can’t just give it to any random teenager!
Harry: Oh, because it’s so much safer in the hands of someone like you?!
Scrimgeour: No, it’s back at Hogwarts. You know, the school its owner helped to found?
Hermione: Who cares about that stupid school?! It has no right to the sword! That sword rightfully belongs to Harry now! If Dumbledore wills it, so shall it be!
Scrimgeour: [Zaps Harry, Ron, and Hermione] Listen! Listen! Listen! Listen! Listen! Listen, you stupid kids, it’s not up to me to hand you things on a silver platter just because Dumbledore wants me to! Did you ever think that your priorities are not the only ones in play?!
Harry: Who cares?! I’m the Chosen One! What I want is the only thing that matters in this world! The sooner you accept that the sooner we’ll get along!
Scrimgeour: Aaaaaargh you are just so frustrating! [Raises his wand to zap Harry again]
[Just then, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley enter]
Mrs. Weasley: Is everything alright?
Scrimgeour: Aaagh! [Zaps Mr. and Mrs. Weasley] Oops! Sorry, you two!
Mr. and Mrs. Weasley: [Facepalm]
Harry: Aha! It appears your time here is up, Minister of Magic! [Sticks up two fingers of his hand, revealing his scars in the process] Now go away and leave me alone!
Scrimgeour: You ungrateful punk…. [Leaves]
[Harry, Ron, and Hermione rejoin everyone else at the dinner table, where they pass around the things Dumbledore gave them]
Mrs. Weasley: These are just so random. What use could they possibly have?
[After dinner, Harry, Ron, and Hermione retire to their rooms]
Ron: I don’t understand why Dumbledore would give me this. Surely Peruvian instant-darkness powder would have exactly the same effect?
Hermione: It really doesn’t seem to make any sense, does it?
Harry: I just thought of something! I remember the first time I played Quidditch I caught the Snitch in my mouth! So…maybe if I put it in my mouth again, I’ll be able to open it!
[Harry puts the Snitch in his mouth, but it still won’t open]
Hermione: Anyway, what does Beedle the Bard have to do with any of this?
Ron: Well, Beedle the Bard was a famous author of children’s stories.
Hermione: Children’s stories? You mean, like, Cinderella?
Ron: Who?
Hermione: I’ll take that as a yes.
Ron: Is Cinderella a story all about the inevitability of death?
Hermione: No. It’s about something quite different, actually.
Ron: Then it’s nothing like Beedle’s stories.
Harry: Ron, Hermione, all this thinking is hard. It’s making me sleepy.
Hermione: Come to think of it, we should be getting to bed now, shouldn’t we?
Ron: Agreed. The wedding is tomorrow, after all.
[So they all go to sleep]