Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 4
[Harry wanders around the Dursleys’ home by himself for a time]
Harry: There’s so many memories in this place! Most of them unpleasant, but still…. Oh, well-soon I’ll be out of this muggle cesspit and absorb myself completely into the world of wizardry!
[The next thing he knows, a whole crew of his friends show up to escort him off!]
Harry: There’s so many of you! Just what are you playing at?
Mad-Eye Moody: Well, we had to construct a super-complicated plan to get you out of here, see, because you’re too young to apparate without detection and Thicknesse from the Ministry of Magic has barred this house from the Floo network.
Harry: Who is Thicknesse?
Moody: I don’t know myself, truthfully. Most likely a Death Eater puppet who exists to make things difficult for you.
Harry: Those filthy Death Eaters!
Moody: So, what is this convoluted scheme, you might be wondering?
Harry: well, truthfully, yes.
Moody: Aha! It’s ingenious! See, we’ve set up a number of potential safe houses to which we could be taking to you. Eight, to be precise. What we’re going to do is transform six of your friends into you, and each of them will go to a different safe house! You, meanwhile, will go to the home of Tonks’s parents! Isn’t it so clever?!
Harry: Hooray! Finally they’re treating me like the precious treasure I clearly am! [Pause] I mean, how horrible, that my friends should risk their lives by impersonating me!
Moody: Don’t worry-any of these people would happily lay down their lives in service to the Chosen One!
Mundungus: I wouldn’t!
Moody: Quiet, you!
Harry: Why in the fuck do you even let that guy stay in the Order?!
Mundungus: Your guess is as good as mine!
Moody: Oh, shut up! You will transform into Harry and you will like it!
Harry: Don’t you think this is excessive? I mean, Voldemort is an idiot, after all!
Moody: You of all people should not be referring to anyone as an idiot, least of all your worst enemy.
Harry: Is that an insult?!
Moody: Maybe.
Harry: Well, let’s get this over with, then.
[He pulls out some of his hair, which he hands to Moody. He drops it into a flask of Polyjuice potion that instantly turns gold]
Harry: Wow, my Polyjuice potion looks so cool! It must be because I’m the Chosen One!
Ron: It’d be more appropriate if it turned purple.
Harry: Quiet, you!
[Hermione, Ron, Fred, George, Fleur, and Mundungus each get a portion]
Mundungus: I still don’t understand why I have to be a part of these missions! Haven’t I demonstrated time and time again that I couldn’t care less about this stupid Order and want out?!
Harry: Yes, exactly!
Moody: Resistance is futile!
[Everyone drinks the potions, and then transform into Harry]
Harry: That is the freakiest thing I have ever seen!
Moody: I’ve got clothes and glasses for you right here!
[Everyone starts stripping right in front of Harry]
Harry: I’m dying of embarrassment over here….
Moody: Suck it up!
[They split up into pairs. Harry is with Hagrid]
Hagrid: In honor of the occasion, I’ve commandeered the motorcycle I drove in the first book! It even has its own sidecar for you, Harry!
Harry: Can you control it with just one arm and one leg? …And one wooden leg?
Hagrid: Of course! I’ve been practicing!
[Everyone takes off into the air, where unfortunately they come upon Death Eaters]
Hedwig: Harry, Harry! Let me out so I can die in a blaze of glory!
Harry: Oh, please. What could a little owl like you possibly do?
[Hedwig is quickly killed by Death Eaters]
Harry: AAAGH! THEY KILLED HEDWIG! THEY KILLED MY PRECIOUS PET OWL!
[Hagrid speeds off into the night while Death Eaters fire spells at them. The motorcycle comes equipped with the ability to generate brick walls to trap enemies, and to shoot forward at even greater speeds than would otherwise be possible]
Hagrid: I AM THE PAINKILLER!
Harry: Now is so not the time!
[The sidecar starts to break apart from the motorcycle from all the force]
Hagrid: Oh, no! What do I do?! [Grabs umbrella]
Harry: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! KEEP YOUR HAND ON THE STEERING WHEEL!
[Indeed, all Hagrid manages to do is detach the side car]
Harry: You idiot! Wingardium leviosa!
[Harry is able to keep the car aloft, but the Death Eaters are still gaining on him.]
Harry: Impedimenta! Stupefy! Expelliarmus! Take that!
[He succeeds in knocking several Death Eaters off their brooms before Hagrid grabs him and seats him on the motorbike]
Harry: Why don’t I make that sidecar explode, just to keep things as badass as possible?
[He shoots a spell at the sidecar and it explodes, taking all his possessions with him]
[As they fly, Harry notices that one of the Death Eaters is none other than Stan Shunpike!]
Harry: It’s you!
Stan Shunpike: Bwahahahaha! This’ll teach you to take me for granted!
Harry: You were a Death Eater this whole time?! I am absolutely shocked! Oh, well-Expelliarmus!
[Hagrid blasts them forward one last time, but the Death Eaters still pursue them]
Hagrid: Save yourself, Harry-I shall take out these Death Eaters! [Launches himself onto a nearby broom, leaving Harry on the bike]
Harry: Oh, no! Does this mean Hagrid will die too?! Oh well….
Voldemort: Surprise!
Harry: AAAAGH!
Voldemort: Allow me to kill you!
[Voldemort aims an Avada Kedavra at Harry, but his wand malfunctions]
Voldemort: What?! But how his that even possible?!
[Harry and Hagrid both fall toward the ground, crashing into some mud]
Harry: There’s so many memories in this place! Most of them unpleasant, but still…. Oh, well-soon I’ll be out of this muggle cesspit and absorb myself completely into the world of wizardry!
[The next thing he knows, a whole crew of his friends show up to escort him off!]
Harry: There’s so many of you! Just what are you playing at?
Mad-Eye Moody: Well, we had to construct a super-complicated plan to get you out of here, see, because you’re too young to apparate without detection and Thicknesse from the Ministry of Magic has barred this house from the Floo network.
Harry: Who is Thicknesse?
Moody: I don’t know myself, truthfully. Most likely a Death Eater puppet who exists to make things difficult for you.
Harry: Those filthy Death Eaters!
Moody: So, what is this convoluted scheme, you might be wondering?
Harry: well, truthfully, yes.
Moody: Aha! It’s ingenious! See, we’ve set up a number of potential safe houses to which we could be taking to you. Eight, to be precise. What we’re going to do is transform six of your friends into you, and each of them will go to a different safe house! You, meanwhile, will go to the home of Tonks’s parents! Isn’t it so clever?!
Harry: Hooray! Finally they’re treating me like the precious treasure I clearly am! [Pause] I mean, how horrible, that my friends should risk their lives by impersonating me!
Moody: Don’t worry-any of these people would happily lay down their lives in service to the Chosen One!
Mundungus: I wouldn’t!
Moody: Quiet, you!
Harry: Why in the fuck do you even let that guy stay in the Order?!
Mundungus: Your guess is as good as mine!
Moody: Oh, shut up! You will transform into Harry and you will like it!
Harry: Don’t you think this is excessive? I mean, Voldemort is an idiot, after all!
Moody: You of all people should not be referring to anyone as an idiot, least of all your worst enemy.
Harry: Is that an insult?!
Moody: Maybe.
Harry: Well, let’s get this over with, then.
[He pulls out some of his hair, which he hands to Moody. He drops it into a flask of Polyjuice potion that instantly turns gold]
Harry: Wow, my Polyjuice potion looks so cool! It must be because I’m the Chosen One!
Ron: It’d be more appropriate if it turned purple.
Harry: Quiet, you!
[Hermione, Ron, Fred, George, Fleur, and Mundungus each get a portion]
Mundungus: I still don’t understand why I have to be a part of these missions! Haven’t I demonstrated time and time again that I couldn’t care less about this stupid Order and want out?!
Harry: Yes, exactly!
Moody: Resistance is futile!
[Everyone drinks the potions, and then transform into Harry]
Harry: That is the freakiest thing I have ever seen!
Moody: I’ve got clothes and glasses for you right here!
[Everyone starts stripping right in front of Harry]
Harry: I’m dying of embarrassment over here….
Moody: Suck it up!
[They split up into pairs. Harry is with Hagrid]
Hagrid: In honor of the occasion, I’ve commandeered the motorcycle I drove in the first book! It even has its own sidecar for you, Harry!
Harry: Can you control it with just one arm and one leg? …And one wooden leg?
Hagrid: Of course! I’ve been practicing!
[Everyone takes off into the air, where unfortunately they come upon Death Eaters]
Hedwig: Harry, Harry! Let me out so I can die in a blaze of glory!
Harry: Oh, please. What could a little owl like you possibly do?
[Hedwig is quickly killed by Death Eaters]
Harry: AAAGH! THEY KILLED HEDWIG! THEY KILLED MY PRECIOUS PET OWL!
[Hagrid speeds off into the night while Death Eaters fire spells at them. The motorcycle comes equipped with the ability to generate brick walls to trap enemies, and to shoot forward at even greater speeds than would otherwise be possible]
Hagrid: I AM THE PAINKILLER!
Harry: Now is so not the time!
[The sidecar starts to break apart from the motorcycle from all the force]
Hagrid: Oh, no! What do I do?! [Grabs umbrella]
Harry: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! KEEP YOUR HAND ON THE STEERING WHEEL!
[Indeed, all Hagrid manages to do is detach the side car]
Harry: You idiot! Wingardium leviosa!
[Harry is able to keep the car aloft, but the Death Eaters are still gaining on him.]
Harry: Impedimenta! Stupefy! Expelliarmus! Take that!
[He succeeds in knocking several Death Eaters off their brooms before Hagrid grabs him and seats him on the motorbike]
Harry: Why don’t I make that sidecar explode, just to keep things as badass as possible?
[He shoots a spell at the sidecar and it explodes, taking all his possessions with him]
[As they fly, Harry notices that one of the Death Eaters is none other than Stan Shunpike!]
Harry: It’s you!
Stan Shunpike: Bwahahahaha! This’ll teach you to take me for granted!
Harry: You were a Death Eater this whole time?! I am absolutely shocked! Oh, well-Expelliarmus!
[Hagrid blasts them forward one last time, but the Death Eaters still pursue them]
Hagrid: Save yourself, Harry-I shall take out these Death Eaters! [Launches himself onto a nearby broom, leaving Harry on the bike]
Harry: Oh, no! Does this mean Hagrid will die too?! Oh well….
Voldemort: Surprise!
Harry: AAAAGH!
Voldemort: Allow me to kill you!
[Voldemort aims an Avada Kedavra at Harry, but his wand malfunctions]
Voldemort: What?! But how his that even possible?!
[Harry and Hagrid both fall toward the ground, crashing into some mud]