Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 30
[Soon Hogwarts is swarming with people who want to pay respects to Dumbledore]
Harry: Even those awful Ministry heads are here! Eew! Sooner or later they’re going to want to know the truth about Dumbledore!
[Meanwhile, Bill has recovered and still has his old personality]
Fleur: I am so glad none of us have to go out of our way to make accommodations for you, dear!
Bill: True Gryffindors never suffer lasting consequences other than death!
Ginny: Here, here!
Harry: For what it’s worth, Ginny, I still agree with you that Fleur is a stupid, ugly slut!
Ginny: Oh, good! We truly are made for each other!
Hermione: Snape appears to have disappeared, you know. I’ve been looking through the paper but there’s no sign of him.
Harry: I can’t believe that evil monster Snape got away with killing Dumbledore! It’s not faaaaaair! How could Dumbledore trust a man who would do this to him?!
Hermione: Yes, yes-but you know what I did find out?
Harry: What?
Hermione: Eileen Prince was Snape’s mother! She married a muggle, hence why he’s a Half-Blood Prince!
Harry: Oh! That makes so much sense! No wonder he was such a fine catch for Voldemort-both of them were ashamed of their heritage and so wanted to play up the bit that was magical and special! So in conclusion, Dumbledore was much too naïve to trust him and should have dismissed him as a second Voldemort! [Pauses] And to think I benefited from his spells!
Hermione: Well, in your defense, our friends have done worse than the worst spells that appeared in that book.
Harry: That’s true. But still-Snape invented them! AAAAAAGH!
[Draco is gone now, and Snape’s place is taken by Scrimgeour and Percy]
Harry: You know, I suddenly realized that Draco might actually have been something of a victim in all this, and not the evil monster I initially expected he would be! Wow! What a revelation!
[One day after breakfast, McGonagall and the other heads of house escort the students to Dumbledore’s funeral, where pretty much every major character and group we have ever seen in the series is present.]
Harry: It looks like Umbridge is here! Disgusting! How on earth could the Ministry think to bring her here?!
Umbridge: [to Fudge and Scrimgeour] Why do we have to be here? It’s not like any of us liked Dumbledore.
Fudge: Silence-I need this last opportunity for screen time.
Scrimgeour: And I need an excuse to stalk the Chosen One some more.
[Hagrid lays Dumbledore’s body on the table, while Grawp looks on, wearing an oversized outfit]
Grawp: I gave up giant college for this?
[An old man says a few words of respect, and then the table transforms into a tomb]
Harry: And look-even the centaurs and merpeople have come to pay their respects!
[The centaurs fire arrows into the air and the merpeople sing]
Centaurs: Alright, we’ve done our piece. Let’s go back into the woods where we can forget that horrible man ever existed.
Merpeople: That horrible man is gone! Let’s go back under the water and celebrate!
[They both disappear to their respective habitats]
[After the funeral, Harry goes to find Ginny]
Harry: Ginny, Ginny! I just thought I’d let you know that we can’t be together!
Ginny: What? I broke up with Dean Thomas and did everything to show myself as your ideal wife and now you’re telling me we can’t be together?!
Harry: Well…yes…but…it’s Voldemort, see! I don’t want Voldemort to try to hurt you, and if we were together he would!
Ginny: Well…alright, then, you go off and fight Voldemort, if that’s what makes you happy. But I think we will get married.
Harry: We shall see.
[Just then, Scrimgeour approaches]
Scrimgeour: Harry, Harry!
Harry: Oh, it’s you! Get away from me!
Scrimgeour: I’m unarmed.
Harry: Is that so? [Draws wand] In that case, take this! [Zaps Scrimgeour] And that! [Zaps Scrimgeour again] And another one! [Zaps Scrimgeour a third time]
Scrimgeour: Ow…that really hurts….
Harry: That’s for trying to get between me and my angel Dumbledore! Now go away or I shall zap you a fourth time! [Brandishes wand]
Scrimgeour: Just hear me out! I just wanted to say that I regret Dumbledore’s death very much!
Harry: Oh, you do, do you? I don’t believe that. You’re obviously trying to manipulate me.
Scrimgeour: Well…can you at least tell me what happened when you and he left the castle earlier? And where you were during the battle?
Harry: No way! That’s for Dumbledore and me to know and nobody else!
Scrimgeour: But Dumbledore is dead.
Harry: Dumbledore will never be gone! He’s too important! I know he’ll reappear in the last book to tell me what to do and think all over again!
Scrimgeour: AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA! You believe that?! That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! Dumbledore is dead, and as we all well know no spell can reawaken the dead! [Falls over laughing]
Harry: You don’t understand-Dumbledore is a Mary Sue! He’ll find a way!
Scrimgeour: [Still rolling on the ground laughing] BAHAHAHAHAHA! Dumbledore back from the dead! Harry you are the most hilarious Chosen One that has ever been!
Harry: Hmph! You just don’t understand the greatness of Dumbledore! Get out of my sight, you peasant-I have better things to do than share space with your uselessness!
[Percy escorts Scrimgeour away]
Ron: How dare that Percy help such a stupid, annoying Minister! I ought to hit him!
Hermione: No, don’t go near them. You’ll catch their uselessness. [Pause] Oh, wait-you’re already useless! So useless you couldn’t land a blow on him even if you wanted to! Ahaha!
Ron: So…what will we do if Hogwarts closes?
Harry: Well, we’ll just have to take this series on the road, won’t we?
Hermione: What?
Harry: Yeah! I’m not coming back next year! Instead I’ll be devoting all my time to hunting down those Horcruxes and destroying Voldemort! That’s what Dumbledore would have wanted!
Ron: Awesome! We’ll be with you all the way!
Harry: Oh, no, no. This is something I’ve got to do by myself.
Hermione: Harry, be realistic. You’re a completely weak, useless wizard. You’ll need me to keep you on the straight and narrow and do your thinking for you.
Ron: Yeah, and me too!
Harry: Oh, you are right. You can come too. But just you, alright?
Ron: Don’t forget to join us for the wedding!
Harry: Of course, of course! I couldn’t possibly stay with my stupid muggle relatives all summer, now could I?
Ron: Then it’s decided. See you in the very last book!
Harry: Yes!
Harry: Even those awful Ministry heads are here! Eew! Sooner or later they’re going to want to know the truth about Dumbledore!
[Meanwhile, Bill has recovered and still has his old personality]
Fleur: I am so glad none of us have to go out of our way to make accommodations for you, dear!
Bill: True Gryffindors never suffer lasting consequences other than death!
Ginny: Here, here!
Harry: For what it’s worth, Ginny, I still agree with you that Fleur is a stupid, ugly slut!
Ginny: Oh, good! We truly are made for each other!
Hermione: Snape appears to have disappeared, you know. I’ve been looking through the paper but there’s no sign of him.
Harry: I can’t believe that evil monster Snape got away with killing Dumbledore! It’s not faaaaaair! How could Dumbledore trust a man who would do this to him?!
Hermione: Yes, yes-but you know what I did find out?
Harry: What?
Hermione: Eileen Prince was Snape’s mother! She married a muggle, hence why he’s a Half-Blood Prince!
Harry: Oh! That makes so much sense! No wonder he was such a fine catch for Voldemort-both of them were ashamed of their heritage and so wanted to play up the bit that was magical and special! So in conclusion, Dumbledore was much too naïve to trust him and should have dismissed him as a second Voldemort! [Pauses] And to think I benefited from his spells!
Hermione: Well, in your defense, our friends have done worse than the worst spells that appeared in that book.
Harry: That’s true. But still-Snape invented them! AAAAAAGH!
[Draco is gone now, and Snape’s place is taken by Scrimgeour and Percy]
Harry: You know, I suddenly realized that Draco might actually have been something of a victim in all this, and not the evil monster I initially expected he would be! Wow! What a revelation!
[One day after breakfast, McGonagall and the other heads of house escort the students to Dumbledore’s funeral, where pretty much every major character and group we have ever seen in the series is present.]
Harry: It looks like Umbridge is here! Disgusting! How on earth could the Ministry think to bring her here?!
Umbridge: [to Fudge and Scrimgeour] Why do we have to be here? It’s not like any of us liked Dumbledore.
Fudge: Silence-I need this last opportunity for screen time.
Scrimgeour: And I need an excuse to stalk the Chosen One some more.
[Hagrid lays Dumbledore’s body on the table, while Grawp looks on, wearing an oversized outfit]
Grawp: I gave up giant college for this?
[An old man says a few words of respect, and then the table transforms into a tomb]
Harry: And look-even the centaurs and merpeople have come to pay their respects!
[The centaurs fire arrows into the air and the merpeople sing]
Centaurs: Alright, we’ve done our piece. Let’s go back into the woods where we can forget that horrible man ever existed.
Merpeople: That horrible man is gone! Let’s go back under the water and celebrate!
[They both disappear to their respective habitats]
[After the funeral, Harry goes to find Ginny]
Harry: Ginny, Ginny! I just thought I’d let you know that we can’t be together!
Ginny: What? I broke up with Dean Thomas and did everything to show myself as your ideal wife and now you’re telling me we can’t be together?!
Harry: Well…yes…but…it’s Voldemort, see! I don’t want Voldemort to try to hurt you, and if we were together he would!
Ginny: Well…alright, then, you go off and fight Voldemort, if that’s what makes you happy. But I think we will get married.
Harry: We shall see.
[Just then, Scrimgeour approaches]
Scrimgeour: Harry, Harry!
Harry: Oh, it’s you! Get away from me!
Scrimgeour: I’m unarmed.
Harry: Is that so? [Draws wand] In that case, take this! [Zaps Scrimgeour] And that! [Zaps Scrimgeour again] And another one! [Zaps Scrimgeour a third time]
Scrimgeour: Ow…that really hurts….
Harry: That’s for trying to get between me and my angel Dumbledore! Now go away or I shall zap you a fourth time! [Brandishes wand]
Scrimgeour: Just hear me out! I just wanted to say that I regret Dumbledore’s death very much!
Harry: Oh, you do, do you? I don’t believe that. You’re obviously trying to manipulate me.
Scrimgeour: Well…can you at least tell me what happened when you and he left the castle earlier? And where you were during the battle?
Harry: No way! That’s for Dumbledore and me to know and nobody else!
Scrimgeour: But Dumbledore is dead.
Harry: Dumbledore will never be gone! He’s too important! I know he’ll reappear in the last book to tell me what to do and think all over again!
Scrimgeour: AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA! You believe that?! That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! Dumbledore is dead, and as we all well know no spell can reawaken the dead! [Falls over laughing]
Harry: You don’t understand-Dumbledore is a Mary Sue! He’ll find a way!
Scrimgeour: [Still rolling on the ground laughing] BAHAHAHAHAHA! Dumbledore back from the dead! Harry you are the most hilarious Chosen One that has ever been!
Harry: Hmph! You just don’t understand the greatness of Dumbledore! Get out of my sight, you peasant-I have better things to do than share space with your uselessness!
[Percy escorts Scrimgeour away]
Ron: How dare that Percy help such a stupid, annoying Minister! I ought to hit him!
Hermione: No, don’t go near them. You’ll catch their uselessness. [Pause] Oh, wait-you’re already useless! So useless you couldn’t land a blow on him even if you wanted to! Ahaha!
Ron: So…what will we do if Hogwarts closes?
Harry: Well, we’ll just have to take this series on the road, won’t we?
Hermione: What?
Harry: Yeah! I’m not coming back next year! Instead I’ll be devoting all my time to hunting down those Horcruxes and destroying Voldemort! That’s what Dumbledore would have wanted!
Ron: Awesome! We’ll be with you all the way!
Harry: Oh, no, no. This is something I’ve got to do by myself.
Hermione: Harry, be realistic. You’re a completely weak, useless wizard. You’ll need me to keep you on the straight and narrow and do your thinking for you.
Ron: Yeah, and me too!
Harry: Oh, you are right. You can come too. But just you, alright?
Ron: Don’t forget to join us for the wedding!
Harry: Of course, of course! I couldn’t possibly stay with my stupid muggle relatives all summer, now could I?
Ron: Then it’s decided. See you in the very last book!
Harry: Yes!