Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 18
[Harry tells Ron and Hermione about his meeting with Dumbledore the next day]
Ron: Just ask Slutborn yourself-I’m sure he’ll do anything for you.
Hermione: If Dumbledore couldn’t get the memory out of him then Harry can’t expect him to just hand it over. There must be another way. By the way, what’s a Horcrux?
Harry: Aaagh! You’re asking me a question about something other than myself?! Who are you and what have you done to Hermione?!
[That day, in Potions]
Slughorn: So, who can explain to me about Golpalott’s Third Law?
Hermione: I can, Professor! I can I can I can!
Slughorn: That’s great, but can anyone else?
Hermione: I CAN EXPLAIN IT! CALL ON ME!
Slughorn: Harry, you’re good at Potions. Perhaps you can--
Hermione: [Kicking and screaming] CALL ON ME! CALL ON ME! CALL ON ME ME ME ME ME ME MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Slughorn: [Buries face in hands] Very well. Miss Granger?
Hermione: Golpalott’s Third Law states that the antidote for a poison cocktail must always be more than the sum of the antidotes to each individual potion!
Slughorn: Correct.
Hermione: Aren’t you going to give my house points, since I identified the law so well?
Slughorn: This is going to be a long lesson.
[The students get vials of poison to create an antidote for…]
Hermione: Aha! There’s no way your precious Prince will be able to help you with this one!
Harry: [Poring over book] What’s that, Prince? You’re telling me that a bezoar will neutralize almost any poison?
Hermione: Oh fuck you sideways!
[After a time, the lesson is over]
Slughorn: Alright, let me inspect all your antidotes.
[He comes to Harry]
Slughorn: Well…you’re not wrong-a bezoar will work. Alright, you passed the test.
Hermione: Aaagh! I’m not even finished with my antidote yet!
Slughorn: However…mixing antidotes is still a useful skill, particularly since bezoars are too rare to be useful in most cases.
Harry: Whatever, as long as I’m in your good favor I could care less if I never learn to mix antidotes!
Draco: Look at him-he’s not even ashamed of his own lack of effort!
Hermione: For once I agree with Draco.
[As the rest of the students pack up to leave, Harry stays behind]
Harry: Slutborn, Slutborn!
Slughorn: Yes?
Harry: I have a favor to ask you.
Slughorn: Do you now? What kind of favor?
Harry: It’s about your memory. The one involving Tom Riddle and the Horcruxes.
Slughorn: [Evasive] I really don’t see how that’s any of your business.
Harry: But Dumbledore showed me the memory! He thinks there’s something wrong with it.
Slughorn: I thought he might do something like that. That’s just like him-showing other people’s memories without their permission.
Harry: Well…now that that’s settled, will you give me the real one?
Slughorn: Do you honestly think I would have gone to all the trouble of editing it if I wanted assholes like Dumbledore and his protégés snooping around in it? Your arrogance is unbelievable. [Leaves]
[When he returns to the common room, Ron and Hermione are still mad about the bezoar]
Hermione: You dirty little cheat!
Ron: Harry, why couldn’t you have gotten me one of those things?
Harry: That’s just typical of you two….
[To make matters worse, Hermione can’t find anything on Horcruxes in the library]
Hermione: Not even in the restricted section! Why, even the book called Magic Most Evil considers Horcruxes such a horrifying possibility that it only mentions them in a single sentence of the introduction! [Pause] Isn’t that false advertising?
[In the meantime, they have apparition instructions!]
Apparition Instructor: So, anyway, this course will cover twelve weeks, after which point you will be ready to take your apparition tests! The headmaster of this school has kindly removed the anti-apparition spell in the Great Hall for the purpose of these lessons.
McGonagall: Draco Malfoy, stop talking to your friend and pay attention!
Draco: Aaagh! None of you overheard, did you?!
McGonagall: I assure you, I don’t want to know.
Apparition Instructor: Now, I’ve placed these circles in front of you to practice apparition. Apparition requires that you fix your mind firmly on your destination and concentrate with all your might. If your mind isn’t fully in it, you might splinch, and only part of you will end up at your destination. Don’t worry-splinching is perfectly harmless! It’s just annoying is all!
[As the students practice, Harry overhears Draco having a suspicious conversation with Crabbe]
Draco: Of course I’ve got it all under control! I know exactly what I’m doing-it’s just…taking a little longer than I expected! I know it’ll come together in the end! [Laughs] I am so fucked!
[After apparition, Harry and Ron return to the Gryffindor common room and open up the Marauder’s Map]
Harry: Now, show me Draco.
Ron: It looks like he’s just in the Slytherin common room with his friends.
Harry: That may be. But this way I’ll know if he’s ever anywhere he’s not supposed to be.
[Over time, he notices one mysterious trend]
Harry: There are times when Draco just vanishes off the school map! He doesn’t leave through any known exit-he just vanishes!
[Ron’s birthday arrives]
Ron: My parents are giving me presents I actually like for the first time in my life!
Harry: Good for you. Now be quiet-I’m trying to study the Marauder’s Map.
Ron: Harry, do you mind if I have one of your chocolate cauldrons?
Harry: Nope-have as many as you want.
Ron: Hooray: [Begins to eat the chocolate cauldrons] Say, Harry, did you ever notice how beautiful and sexy Romilda Vane is?
Harry: Oh, no. Ron, there was love potion in those cauldrons, wasn’t there?!
Ron: Love potion? Maybe. I do love Romilda Vane now. Will you introduce me to her?
Harry: No, no-the last thing you need is Romilda Vane!
Ron: But I want Romilda Vane! I want her I want her I want her! [Falls on the floor kicking and screaming]
Harry: Alright, alright! No more crying! I’ll take you to see Romilda Vane!
Ron: You will?! You mean it?!
Harry: Yeah…of course I do.
[Harry leads Ron by the arm to Slughorn’s office]
Ron: Harry, why is Romilda Vane in Slutborn’s office?
Harry: Use your imagination.
Ron: [Thinks for a moment] Eew! I must rescue her from him at once!
[On the way there, they run into Lavender!]
Lavender: Won-Won, I’ve got you a birthday present!
Ron: I’m sorry-who are you?
Lavender: You don’t know?! What do you mean by that?!
Harry: Oh, don’t mind him-he seems to have lost what little brain he has.
[They go to Slughorn’s office…]
Harry: Slutborn, Slutborn! Come quickly! Something terrible has happened!
Slughorn: [Opens door] Yes, what is it? I’m still in my pajamas!
Ron: What have you done to Romilda Vane, you sick, sick man?! You keep your hands off my Romilda Vane!
Slughorn: Romilda Vane? I haven’t got Romilda Vane!
Harry: Ron swallowed a love potion! You have to help put him right?
Slughorn: You mean you don’t have the skills to make one yourself?
Harry: Well…ah…see…that would be needlessly complicated and take too much time!
Slughorn: Well, that’s fair, I suppose. Alright, I’ll see what I can do. You can wait inside. Just don’t touch anything.
Ron: Now you’re going to abuse Romilda Vane right in front of me?!
Slughorn: I am not going to abuse Romilda Vane! She’s nothing but another student to me, honest!
Harry: Ron, do what the nice teacher says.
[Harry and Ron go inside while Slughorn gets to work making a potion]
Slughorn: All finished! Here you go, Ron!
Ron: What is that?
Slughorn: It’s…ah…a potion to make you look more handsome for the next time you see Romilda Vane.
Ron: You didn’t put any drugs in it, did you? So you can abuse me like you did Romilda Vane?!
Slughorn: For the last time, I did not abuse Romilda Vane! Now drink this-it’s nutritious and delicious!
Harry: Don’t worry-I’m here. If there is anything amiss with that potion I’ll protect you.
Ron: Alright, Harry-whatever you say. [Drinks potion] Aaagh! What happened?! Where am I?!
Slughorn: There you go. All better now?
Harry: You had a nasty experience with a love potion.
Ron: Eew! A love potion?!
Harry: Yes.
Ron: Ugh-this is not how I wanted to spend my birthday!
Slughorn: It’s your birthday? I had no idea! I say we celebrate! Wait here just a moment! [He pulls out a bottle of mead] Let’s have a drink! I was going to give this to Dumbledore, but I’m not feeling so charitable toward him at the moment.
Harry: He he he….
[Slughorn pours Ron a glass of mead, which Ron downs in one gulp]
Slughorn: Ron, don’t drink so fast! This is very special mead. You have to sip it slowly to really taste the alcohol--
[But just then, Ron starts coughing and gasping for air]
Slughorn: How…why…?!
Harry: Quick, we must do something! [He runs over to Slughorn’s cabinet and grabs a bezoar from a box] Here, eat this!
[Ron eats the bezoar, which causes him to calm down]
Harry: Aha! You said I needed to mix antidotes, but it looks like I get the last laugh! My willingness to sponge off of other people’s hard work has made me more useful in a crisis than the trained professionals! Hooray for being the Chosen One! [Pause] Oops, did I say that out loud?
Slughorn: Someone poisoned my mead?! But who would do such a thing?! My mead! [Cries]
Ron: Just ask Slutborn yourself-I’m sure he’ll do anything for you.
Hermione: If Dumbledore couldn’t get the memory out of him then Harry can’t expect him to just hand it over. There must be another way. By the way, what’s a Horcrux?
Harry: Aaagh! You’re asking me a question about something other than myself?! Who are you and what have you done to Hermione?!
[That day, in Potions]
Slughorn: So, who can explain to me about Golpalott’s Third Law?
Hermione: I can, Professor! I can I can I can!
Slughorn: That’s great, but can anyone else?
Hermione: I CAN EXPLAIN IT! CALL ON ME!
Slughorn: Harry, you’re good at Potions. Perhaps you can--
Hermione: [Kicking and screaming] CALL ON ME! CALL ON ME! CALL ON ME ME ME ME ME ME MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Slughorn: [Buries face in hands] Very well. Miss Granger?
Hermione: Golpalott’s Third Law states that the antidote for a poison cocktail must always be more than the sum of the antidotes to each individual potion!
Slughorn: Correct.
Hermione: Aren’t you going to give my house points, since I identified the law so well?
Slughorn: This is going to be a long lesson.
[The students get vials of poison to create an antidote for…]
Hermione: Aha! There’s no way your precious Prince will be able to help you with this one!
Harry: [Poring over book] What’s that, Prince? You’re telling me that a bezoar will neutralize almost any poison?
Hermione: Oh fuck you sideways!
[After a time, the lesson is over]
Slughorn: Alright, let me inspect all your antidotes.
[He comes to Harry]
Slughorn: Well…you’re not wrong-a bezoar will work. Alright, you passed the test.
Hermione: Aaagh! I’m not even finished with my antidote yet!
Slughorn: However…mixing antidotes is still a useful skill, particularly since bezoars are too rare to be useful in most cases.
Harry: Whatever, as long as I’m in your good favor I could care less if I never learn to mix antidotes!
Draco: Look at him-he’s not even ashamed of his own lack of effort!
Hermione: For once I agree with Draco.
[As the rest of the students pack up to leave, Harry stays behind]
Harry: Slutborn, Slutborn!
Slughorn: Yes?
Harry: I have a favor to ask you.
Slughorn: Do you now? What kind of favor?
Harry: It’s about your memory. The one involving Tom Riddle and the Horcruxes.
Slughorn: [Evasive] I really don’t see how that’s any of your business.
Harry: But Dumbledore showed me the memory! He thinks there’s something wrong with it.
Slughorn: I thought he might do something like that. That’s just like him-showing other people’s memories without their permission.
Harry: Well…now that that’s settled, will you give me the real one?
Slughorn: Do you honestly think I would have gone to all the trouble of editing it if I wanted assholes like Dumbledore and his protégés snooping around in it? Your arrogance is unbelievable. [Leaves]
[When he returns to the common room, Ron and Hermione are still mad about the bezoar]
Hermione: You dirty little cheat!
Ron: Harry, why couldn’t you have gotten me one of those things?
Harry: That’s just typical of you two….
[To make matters worse, Hermione can’t find anything on Horcruxes in the library]
Hermione: Not even in the restricted section! Why, even the book called Magic Most Evil considers Horcruxes such a horrifying possibility that it only mentions them in a single sentence of the introduction! [Pause] Isn’t that false advertising?
[In the meantime, they have apparition instructions!]
Apparition Instructor: So, anyway, this course will cover twelve weeks, after which point you will be ready to take your apparition tests! The headmaster of this school has kindly removed the anti-apparition spell in the Great Hall for the purpose of these lessons.
McGonagall: Draco Malfoy, stop talking to your friend and pay attention!
Draco: Aaagh! None of you overheard, did you?!
McGonagall: I assure you, I don’t want to know.
Apparition Instructor: Now, I’ve placed these circles in front of you to practice apparition. Apparition requires that you fix your mind firmly on your destination and concentrate with all your might. If your mind isn’t fully in it, you might splinch, and only part of you will end up at your destination. Don’t worry-splinching is perfectly harmless! It’s just annoying is all!
[As the students practice, Harry overhears Draco having a suspicious conversation with Crabbe]
Draco: Of course I’ve got it all under control! I know exactly what I’m doing-it’s just…taking a little longer than I expected! I know it’ll come together in the end! [Laughs] I am so fucked!
[After apparition, Harry and Ron return to the Gryffindor common room and open up the Marauder’s Map]
Harry: Now, show me Draco.
Ron: It looks like he’s just in the Slytherin common room with his friends.
Harry: That may be. But this way I’ll know if he’s ever anywhere he’s not supposed to be.
[Over time, he notices one mysterious trend]
Harry: There are times when Draco just vanishes off the school map! He doesn’t leave through any known exit-he just vanishes!
[Ron’s birthday arrives]
Ron: My parents are giving me presents I actually like for the first time in my life!
Harry: Good for you. Now be quiet-I’m trying to study the Marauder’s Map.
Ron: Harry, do you mind if I have one of your chocolate cauldrons?
Harry: Nope-have as many as you want.
Ron: Hooray: [Begins to eat the chocolate cauldrons] Say, Harry, did you ever notice how beautiful and sexy Romilda Vane is?
Harry: Oh, no. Ron, there was love potion in those cauldrons, wasn’t there?!
Ron: Love potion? Maybe. I do love Romilda Vane now. Will you introduce me to her?
Harry: No, no-the last thing you need is Romilda Vane!
Ron: But I want Romilda Vane! I want her I want her I want her! [Falls on the floor kicking and screaming]
Harry: Alright, alright! No more crying! I’ll take you to see Romilda Vane!
Ron: You will?! You mean it?!
Harry: Yeah…of course I do.
[Harry leads Ron by the arm to Slughorn’s office]
Ron: Harry, why is Romilda Vane in Slutborn’s office?
Harry: Use your imagination.
Ron: [Thinks for a moment] Eew! I must rescue her from him at once!
[On the way there, they run into Lavender!]
Lavender: Won-Won, I’ve got you a birthday present!
Ron: I’m sorry-who are you?
Lavender: You don’t know?! What do you mean by that?!
Harry: Oh, don’t mind him-he seems to have lost what little brain he has.
[They go to Slughorn’s office…]
Harry: Slutborn, Slutborn! Come quickly! Something terrible has happened!
Slughorn: [Opens door] Yes, what is it? I’m still in my pajamas!
Ron: What have you done to Romilda Vane, you sick, sick man?! You keep your hands off my Romilda Vane!
Slughorn: Romilda Vane? I haven’t got Romilda Vane!
Harry: Ron swallowed a love potion! You have to help put him right?
Slughorn: You mean you don’t have the skills to make one yourself?
Harry: Well…ah…see…that would be needlessly complicated and take too much time!
Slughorn: Well, that’s fair, I suppose. Alright, I’ll see what I can do. You can wait inside. Just don’t touch anything.
Ron: Now you’re going to abuse Romilda Vane right in front of me?!
Slughorn: I am not going to abuse Romilda Vane! She’s nothing but another student to me, honest!
Harry: Ron, do what the nice teacher says.
[Harry and Ron go inside while Slughorn gets to work making a potion]
Slughorn: All finished! Here you go, Ron!
Ron: What is that?
Slughorn: It’s…ah…a potion to make you look more handsome for the next time you see Romilda Vane.
Ron: You didn’t put any drugs in it, did you? So you can abuse me like you did Romilda Vane?!
Slughorn: For the last time, I did not abuse Romilda Vane! Now drink this-it’s nutritious and delicious!
Harry: Don’t worry-I’m here. If there is anything amiss with that potion I’ll protect you.
Ron: Alright, Harry-whatever you say. [Drinks potion] Aaagh! What happened?! Where am I?!
Slughorn: There you go. All better now?
Harry: You had a nasty experience with a love potion.
Ron: Eew! A love potion?!
Harry: Yes.
Ron: Ugh-this is not how I wanted to spend my birthday!
Slughorn: It’s your birthday? I had no idea! I say we celebrate! Wait here just a moment! [He pulls out a bottle of mead] Let’s have a drink! I was going to give this to Dumbledore, but I’m not feeling so charitable toward him at the moment.
Harry: He he he….
[Slughorn pours Ron a glass of mead, which Ron downs in one gulp]
Slughorn: Ron, don’t drink so fast! This is very special mead. You have to sip it slowly to really taste the alcohol--
[But just then, Ron starts coughing and gasping for air]
Slughorn: How…why…?!
Harry: Quick, we must do something! [He runs over to Slughorn’s cabinet and grabs a bezoar from a box] Here, eat this!
[Ron eats the bezoar, which causes him to calm down]
Harry: Aha! You said I needed to mix antidotes, but it looks like I get the last laugh! My willingness to sponge off of other people’s hard work has made me more useful in a crisis than the trained professionals! Hooray for being the Chosen One! [Pause] Oops, did I say that out loud?
Slughorn: Someone poisoned my mead?! But who would do such a thing?! My mead! [Cries]