Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 1
A new book begins!!!
[This chapter begins in the office of the Prime Minister]
Prime Minister: I’m annoyed. Magical people have been barging into my office for the past several years informing me of things I can’t do anything about. And now my political opponents are blaming me for the freaky shit that’s going on!
[Suddenly, a picture on the wall comes to life, and Cornelius Fudge wanders out!]
Cornelius Fudge: Hi!
Prime Minister: Oh, it’s you! What the hell do you want this time?! I’m late to a conference call, you know!
Cornelius Fudge: Bah! As if your trifling muggle issues could possibly compare to the urgency of the crisis gripping the magical world!*
Prime Minister: [Facepalm] Whatever. Let’s just get this over with. Why are you here? And this time, try not to turn my teacup into a gerbil….
Cornelius Fudge: Oh, nothing much. It’s just that a horrible dark wizard I informed you of awhile back is alive and well and has been terrorizing the populace! Even the muggles are noticing, as I’m sure you’re aware!
Prime Minister: You know, I’m pretty sure that if you had let me know of this earlier, I could have made sure there were fewer deaths-
Cornelius Fudge: What?! Don’t make me laugh-what on earth could a stupid muggle like you possibly do to help us? Anyway, we’re at war with this dark wizard now and that means things are going to get worse before they get better.
Prime Minister: War?! You magical people are getting innocent civilians caught up in your wars now?! I’ll have you know that I have to answer every time one of these freak accidents occurs!
Cornelius Fudge: That’s your problem, not ours. Besides, we have to answer too-we’ve lost two of our own, you know, Amelia Bones and Emmeline Vance. In fact, things have gotten so bad that I’ve had to resign. My replacement I’m sorry to say is even worse than I was.
Prime Minister: Oh, no!
Cornelius Fudge: In fact, he’s here right now!
[The new minister, Scrimgeour, enters]
Scrimgeour: Hello, muggle Prime Minister! So glad to meet you! [Reaches out to shake Prime Minister’s hand and ends up blasting him with his wand]
Prime Minister: Ow! That hurt, you asshole!
Scrimgeour: Oh. My mistake.
Cornelius Fudge: Well…I’ll just be leaving you two alone together! [He leaves]
Prime Minister: Wait! Don’t leave me alone with this madman!
Scrimgeour: That’s not very nice! [Zaps Prime Minister again] Now, we have to discuss your security.
Prime Minister: Ow! I think I’ll be safer without you around!
Scrimgeour: Oh, I don’t mean me! [Fires off a bolt of lightning that zaps one of the Prime Minister’s teacups, causing it to explode] You currently have Kingsley Shacklebolt guarding you, correct?
Prime Minister: Oh, yeah. He’s that black man who manages to get ludicrous amounts of work done and I haven’t the faintest clue how he does it all!
Scrimgeour: Yes, that’s the one! [Zaps Prime Minister again]
Prime Minister: Will you stop that?!
Scrimgeour: Oh, sorry. So, anyway, we may need to put a few more people like him in here.
Prime Minister: Do I get a choice in who works for me?
Scrimgeour: Nope, not at all! [Zaps Prime Minister’s desk] Aww, I missed!
Prime Minister: So, do you know just why so many of my workers have been acting strangely?
Scrimgeour: Of course I do-they’ve been cursed by evil dark wizards!
Prime Minister: How did I guess?
Scrimgeour: Don’t worry, though-we will select only the finest aurors to make sure you and your family come to no harm! [Zaps Prime Minister again]
Prime Minister: Ow…. I can only hope they’re better than you are.... And I fear for the safety of any community that has you as its leader.
Scrimgeour: You’re not a nice muggle at all! [Tries to zap Prime Minister again, misses, and breaks his window]
[Scrimgeour leaves]
Prime Minister: Magical people are fucking assholes!
*A/N: Sadly, this is pretty much the attitude of the last few books. At least.
[This chapter begins in the office of the Prime Minister]
Prime Minister: I’m annoyed. Magical people have been barging into my office for the past several years informing me of things I can’t do anything about. And now my political opponents are blaming me for the freaky shit that’s going on!
[Suddenly, a picture on the wall comes to life, and Cornelius Fudge wanders out!]
Cornelius Fudge: Hi!
Prime Minister: Oh, it’s you! What the hell do you want this time?! I’m late to a conference call, you know!
Cornelius Fudge: Bah! As if your trifling muggle issues could possibly compare to the urgency of the crisis gripping the magical world!*
Prime Minister: [Facepalm] Whatever. Let’s just get this over with. Why are you here? And this time, try not to turn my teacup into a gerbil….
Cornelius Fudge: Oh, nothing much. It’s just that a horrible dark wizard I informed you of awhile back is alive and well and has been terrorizing the populace! Even the muggles are noticing, as I’m sure you’re aware!
Prime Minister: You know, I’m pretty sure that if you had let me know of this earlier, I could have made sure there were fewer deaths-
Cornelius Fudge: What?! Don’t make me laugh-what on earth could a stupid muggle like you possibly do to help us? Anyway, we’re at war with this dark wizard now and that means things are going to get worse before they get better.
Prime Minister: War?! You magical people are getting innocent civilians caught up in your wars now?! I’ll have you know that I have to answer every time one of these freak accidents occurs!
Cornelius Fudge: That’s your problem, not ours. Besides, we have to answer too-we’ve lost two of our own, you know, Amelia Bones and Emmeline Vance. In fact, things have gotten so bad that I’ve had to resign. My replacement I’m sorry to say is even worse than I was.
Prime Minister: Oh, no!
Cornelius Fudge: In fact, he’s here right now!
[The new minister, Scrimgeour, enters]
Scrimgeour: Hello, muggle Prime Minister! So glad to meet you! [Reaches out to shake Prime Minister’s hand and ends up blasting him with his wand]
Prime Minister: Ow! That hurt, you asshole!
Scrimgeour: Oh. My mistake.
Cornelius Fudge: Well…I’ll just be leaving you two alone together! [He leaves]
Prime Minister: Wait! Don’t leave me alone with this madman!
Scrimgeour: That’s not very nice! [Zaps Prime Minister again] Now, we have to discuss your security.
Prime Minister: Ow! I think I’ll be safer without you around!
Scrimgeour: Oh, I don’t mean me! [Fires off a bolt of lightning that zaps one of the Prime Minister’s teacups, causing it to explode] You currently have Kingsley Shacklebolt guarding you, correct?
Prime Minister: Oh, yeah. He’s that black man who manages to get ludicrous amounts of work done and I haven’t the faintest clue how he does it all!
Scrimgeour: Yes, that’s the one! [Zaps Prime Minister again]
Prime Minister: Will you stop that?!
Scrimgeour: Oh, sorry. So, anyway, we may need to put a few more people like him in here.
Prime Minister: Do I get a choice in who works for me?
Scrimgeour: Nope, not at all! [Zaps Prime Minister’s desk] Aww, I missed!
Prime Minister: So, do you know just why so many of my workers have been acting strangely?
Scrimgeour: Of course I do-they’ve been cursed by evil dark wizards!
Prime Minister: How did I guess?
Scrimgeour: Don’t worry, though-we will select only the finest aurors to make sure you and your family come to no harm! [Zaps Prime Minister again]
Prime Minister: Ow…. I can only hope they’re better than you are.... And I fear for the safety of any community that has you as its leader.
Scrimgeour: You’re not a nice muggle at all! [Tries to zap Prime Minister again, misses, and breaks his window]
[Scrimgeour leaves]
Prime Minister: Magical people are fucking assholes!
*A/N: Sadly, this is pretty much the attitude of the last few books. At least.