Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 36
Harry: So…does this mean Sirius is dead? He’s really gone for good?
Lupin: Yes, it does.
Harry: AAAAAAAAH! NOOOOOOOOOOO! WHAT WILL I DO WITHOUT HIM?! HOW WILL I GO ON?! MY LIFE IS COMPLETELY EMPTY AND RUINED WITHOUT HIM!
Lupin: That’s just the grief talking. Or rather, capslocking.
Harry: HOW DO YOU KNOW?!
Lupin: Because you’re the main character and therefore you’ll pull through.
Neville: Say, Harry, just who was that man?
Harry: It’s none of your business, Navel!
Neville: [Buries face in hands] You’re hopeless.
Lupin: Now that you’re here, where are the others?
Neville: Well Hermione’s unconscious somehow, and Ron’s slowly being throttled by an evil brain, but other than that, I think they’re alright!
[Just then, Bellatrix comes in, dueling Kingsley!]
Harry: IT’S HER! SHE KILLED SIRIUS! NOW SHE MUST PAY! [Looses himself from Lupin’s grip]
Lupin: This is not going to end well.
[Harry chases Bellatrix into the room with the brains]
Bellatrix: You honestly think you can challenge me? That’s a laugh.
[She casts a spell that smashes the case with the brains, and they begin to swarm around Harry]
Harry: Ooh! Will they make me smarter?
[They start attempting to grab him]
Harry: …Never mind....
[He picks himself up and runs after Bellatrix again, this time catching an elevator that takes him up to the main floor]
Harry: Well at least I’m rid of all that weird and creepy stuff down below! Hopefully this fight will be a bit more normal from now on!
[He finds Bellatrix waiting for him]
Bellatrix: Surprise!
Harry: Aha! I’ve got you now!
Bellatrix: Oh, really?
[She aims another spell at Harry, forcing him to duck behind the statue in the fountain]
Bellatrix: You honestly think you can hide from me behind that thing?
Harry: No. But I know I can make you suffer! Crucio!
Bellatrix: Ha! That power does not work on me because I can tell you don’t really mean it! You have to mean to cause pain, see!
Harry: Oh, really! I’ll keep that in mind for next time.
Bellatrix: Wait…you’re still considering using this most evil of curses that can drive its victims insane?
Harry: Maybe. Maybe not.
Bellatrix: …Never mind. Here, I’ll show you how it’s done! Crucio!
[Harry is just able to duck behind the statue, causing Bellatrix to blow the centaur’s arm off instead]
Bellatrix: Huh. I didn’t know it could do that. No matter! I’m still much stronger than you are! I could kill you any time I want!
Harry: Oh, no you couldn’t! You’ve underestimated me! Stupefy!
Bellatrix: Protego!
[This time, the goblin loses an ear]
Harry: What? How can these spells that have nothing to do with blowing up inanimate objects blow up inanimate objects in this way?!
Bellatrix: I’m as confused by it as you are. Oh, well! Give me the prophecy and I might even spare your life. Maybe!
Harry: Oh, that prophecy? It’s been destroyed.
Bellatrix: What?
Harry: It smashed in the last chapter.
Bellatrix: No! How could it?!
Harry: It did!
Bellatrix: HOW DARE YOU!? I WAS GIVEN EXPLICIT ORDERS TO GET IT FOR MY MASTER!
Harry: Ow! You capslocking is giving me a headache! Oh, wait, that’s my scar.
Voldemort: Lord Voldemort has arrived! Bwahahahaha!
Harry and Bellatrix: WHAT?!
Bellatrix: Master, I’m so sorry the prophecy was smashed!
Voldemort: Whatever. Now that you have brought Harry Potter to me, it will be simple for me to finish him off! Avada Kedavra!
[But before the attack can hit Harry, one of the statues jumps in front of him, and the spell cannot penetrate it]
Harry: Hooray! Now the inanimate objects in the setting are coming to my rescue because I’m just that awesome!
Voldemort: I can’t believe I’m being foiled by a broken-down statue! Me!
Dumbledore: Hello Tom Rid!
Voldemort: Oh, it’s you. That explains it. And my name is not Tom Rid!
Dumbledore: Well it used to be. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?
Voldemort: That’s Tom Riddle to you, and anyway I no longer go by that name! Or have you honestly forgotten that?
Dumbledore: Whatever, Tommy. Run along home if you want to avoid getting arrested by the aurors.
Voldemort: Run away?! From you?! I don’t think so! Avada Kedavra!
[Dumbledore is able to evade the curse, which instead sets a desk behind him on fire]
Voldemort: WHAT?! How in the hell could this super-powerful killing curse miss its target?!
Dumbledore: Don’t take it personally, Tiny Tom, I’m just so awesome I bend the rules of the universe around my amazing specialness.
Voldemort: Aaaargh you are so infuriating!
Dumbledore: I know. It’s my best quality. [He aims a spell at Voldemort, but Voldemort easily deflects it]
Voldemort: That was pathetic! Why won’t you attempt to use the killing curse on me? Are you too noble?
Dumbledore: It’s not that I’m too noble, it’s just that there are other ways of destroying you that are even better!
Voldemort: Oh, yeah? Like what?
Dumbledore: I’m not going to tell you that-if I did it would spoil the fun!
Voldemort: Well…two can play at that game, you know! I’ve invented so many horrible ways of killing people--!
Dumbledore: Whoever said anything about killing?
Voldemort: Ah…didn’t you say you were going to destroy me?
Dumbledore: Well yes, but not kill you.
Voldemort: What could be worse than killing me, though?
Dumbledore: There are worse things than death.
Voldemort: Oh, yeah? Like what?! …Wait a minute, why are we having a philosophical discussion when we’re supposed to be fighting?! Take this! Avada Kedavra!
[This time his attack’s blocked by the centaur statue]
Voldemort: These damn statues!
[Dumbledore creates a fiery rope with his wand, which Voldemort transforms into a snake]
Voldemort: While you’re distracted…Avada Kedavra!
Fawkes: To the rescue! [Eats Voldemort’s spell]
Voldemort: That damn bird! Dumbledore, it’s not a fair fight unless you face me one on one, brawn against brawn!
Dumbledore: It’s not my fault you’ve got no friends to hide behind!
[He encases Voldemort in the fountain’s water, but unfortunately Harry’s scar is getting worse, and he feels like he’s bound to a snake]
Harry: Oh, to shed my skin like this snake and swim in the dark void beyond….
[But just then…]
Harry: Is…is it over? Am I back to reality?
Dumbledore: Yes, everything’s alright now.
Harry: Hooray! My angel has saved me again!
Dumbledore: Yes, I did. And don’t you forget it.
[Many other witches and wizards enter, including Cornelius Fudge]
Fudge: Dumbledore, Dumbledore, is it true that You-Know-Who was here?
Dumbledore: Yes, yes it is. You’ll also find several of his followers being detained downstairs.
Fudge: I see. Well, that matters little. You, sir, are a fugitive, and thus I will have to take you in.
Dumbledore: As if your men could defeat me. Honestly, haven’t I proven that I’m too awesome to detain?
Fudge: Fair point. But…what exactly happened here? And what the hell is Harry Potter doing here at a time like this?!
Dumbledore: I will explain it all later. In the meantime, Harry, have an unauthorized portkey that you can use you return to school!
Harry: Wow, you’re the best, Dumbledore!
Fudge: But that’s illegal!
Dumbledore: Yeah, whatever. By the way, get that evil woman Umbridge out of my school.
Fudge: Of course…anything!
Harry: Wow, Dumbledore! You really are my savior!
Dumbledore: Why are you still here? Get back to school already!
Harry: …Alright, then.
[Harry teleports back to Hogwarts]
Lupin: Yes, it does.
Harry: AAAAAAAAH! NOOOOOOOOOOO! WHAT WILL I DO WITHOUT HIM?! HOW WILL I GO ON?! MY LIFE IS COMPLETELY EMPTY AND RUINED WITHOUT HIM!
Lupin: That’s just the grief talking. Or rather, capslocking.
Harry: HOW DO YOU KNOW?!
Lupin: Because you’re the main character and therefore you’ll pull through.
Neville: Say, Harry, just who was that man?
Harry: It’s none of your business, Navel!
Neville: [Buries face in hands] You’re hopeless.
Lupin: Now that you’re here, where are the others?
Neville: Well Hermione’s unconscious somehow, and Ron’s slowly being throttled by an evil brain, but other than that, I think they’re alright!
[Just then, Bellatrix comes in, dueling Kingsley!]
Harry: IT’S HER! SHE KILLED SIRIUS! NOW SHE MUST PAY! [Looses himself from Lupin’s grip]
Lupin: This is not going to end well.
[Harry chases Bellatrix into the room with the brains]
Bellatrix: You honestly think you can challenge me? That’s a laugh.
[She casts a spell that smashes the case with the brains, and they begin to swarm around Harry]
Harry: Ooh! Will they make me smarter?
[They start attempting to grab him]
Harry: …Never mind....
[He picks himself up and runs after Bellatrix again, this time catching an elevator that takes him up to the main floor]
Harry: Well at least I’m rid of all that weird and creepy stuff down below! Hopefully this fight will be a bit more normal from now on!
[He finds Bellatrix waiting for him]
Bellatrix: Surprise!
Harry: Aha! I’ve got you now!
Bellatrix: Oh, really?
[She aims another spell at Harry, forcing him to duck behind the statue in the fountain]
Bellatrix: You honestly think you can hide from me behind that thing?
Harry: No. But I know I can make you suffer! Crucio!
Bellatrix: Ha! That power does not work on me because I can tell you don’t really mean it! You have to mean to cause pain, see!
Harry: Oh, really! I’ll keep that in mind for next time.
Bellatrix: Wait…you’re still considering using this most evil of curses that can drive its victims insane?
Harry: Maybe. Maybe not.
Bellatrix: …Never mind. Here, I’ll show you how it’s done! Crucio!
[Harry is just able to duck behind the statue, causing Bellatrix to blow the centaur’s arm off instead]
Bellatrix: Huh. I didn’t know it could do that. No matter! I’m still much stronger than you are! I could kill you any time I want!
Harry: Oh, no you couldn’t! You’ve underestimated me! Stupefy!
Bellatrix: Protego!
[This time, the goblin loses an ear]
Harry: What? How can these spells that have nothing to do with blowing up inanimate objects blow up inanimate objects in this way?!
Bellatrix: I’m as confused by it as you are. Oh, well! Give me the prophecy and I might even spare your life. Maybe!
Harry: Oh, that prophecy? It’s been destroyed.
Bellatrix: What?
Harry: It smashed in the last chapter.
Bellatrix: No! How could it?!
Harry: It did!
Bellatrix: HOW DARE YOU!? I WAS GIVEN EXPLICIT ORDERS TO GET IT FOR MY MASTER!
Harry: Ow! You capslocking is giving me a headache! Oh, wait, that’s my scar.
Voldemort: Lord Voldemort has arrived! Bwahahahaha!
Harry and Bellatrix: WHAT?!
Bellatrix: Master, I’m so sorry the prophecy was smashed!
Voldemort: Whatever. Now that you have brought Harry Potter to me, it will be simple for me to finish him off! Avada Kedavra!
[But before the attack can hit Harry, one of the statues jumps in front of him, and the spell cannot penetrate it]
Harry: Hooray! Now the inanimate objects in the setting are coming to my rescue because I’m just that awesome!
Voldemort: I can’t believe I’m being foiled by a broken-down statue! Me!
Dumbledore: Hello Tom Rid!
Voldemort: Oh, it’s you. That explains it. And my name is not Tom Rid!
Dumbledore: Well it used to be. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?
Voldemort: That’s Tom Riddle to you, and anyway I no longer go by that name! Or have you honestly forgotten that?
Dumbledore: Whatever, Tommy. Run along home if you want to avoid getting arrested by the aurors.
Voldemort: Run away?! From you?! I don’t think so! Avada Kedavra!
[Dumbledore is able to evade the curse, which instead sets a desk behind him on fire]
Voldemort: WHAT?! How in the hell could this super-powerful killing curse miss its target?!
Dumbledore: Don’t take it personally, Tiny Tom, I’m just so awesome I bend the rules of the universe around my amazing specialness.
Voldemort: Aaaargh you are so infuriating!
Dumbledore: I know. It’s my best quality. [He aims a spell at Voldemort, but Voldemort easily deflects it]
Voldemort: That was pathetic! Why won’t you attempt to use the killing curse on me? Are you too noble?
Dumbledore: It’s not that I’m too noble, it’s just that there are other ways of destroying you that are even better!
Voldemort: Oh, yeah? Like what?
Dumbledore: I’m not going to tell you that-if I did it would spoil the fun!
Voldemort: Well…two can play at that game, you know! I’ve invented so many horrible ways of killing people--!
Dumbledore: Whoever said anything about killing?
Voldemort: Ah…didn’t you say you were going to destroy me?
Dumbledore: Well yes, but not kill you.
Voldemort: What could be worse than killing me, though?
Dumbledore: There are worse things than death.
Voldemort: Oh, yeah? Like what?! …Wait a minute, why are we having a philosophical discussion when we’re supposed to be fighting?! Take this! Avada Kedavra!
[This time his attack’s blocked by the centaur statue]
Voldemort: These damn statues!
[Dumbledore creates a fiery rope with his wand, which Voldemort transforms into a snake]
Voldemort: While you’re distracted…Avada Kedavra!
Fawkes: To the rescue! [Eats Voldemort’s spell]
Voldemort: That damn bird! Dumbledore, it’s not a fair fight unless you face me one on one, brawn against brawn!
Dumbledore: It’s not my fault you’ve got no friends to hide behind!
[He encases Voldemort in the fountain’s water, but unfortunately Harry’s scar is getting worse, and he feels like he’s bound to a snake]
Harry: Oh, to shed my skin like this snake and swim in the dark void beyond….
[But just then…]
Harry: Is…is it over? Am I back to reality?
Dumbledore: Yes, everything’s alright now.
Harry: Hooray! My angel has saved me again!
Dumbledore: Yes, I did. And don’t you forget it.
[Many other witches and wizards enter, including Cornelius Fudge]
Fudge: Dumbledore, Dumbledore, is it true that You-Know-Who was here?
Dumbledore: Yes, yes it is. You’ll also find several of his followers being detained downstairs.
Fudge: I see. Well, that matters little. You, sir, are a fugitive, and thus I will have to take you in.
Dumbledore: As if your men could defeat me. Honestly, haven’t I proven that I’m too awesome to detain?
Fudge: Fair point. But…what exactly happened here? And what the hell is Harry Potter doing here at a time like this?!
Dumbledore: I will explain it all later. In the meantime, Harry, have an unauthorized portkey that you can use you return to school!
Harry: Wow, you’re the best, Dumbledore!
Fudge: But that’s illegal!
Dumbledore: Yeah, whatever. By the way, get that evil woman Umbridge out of my school.
Fudge: Of course…anything!
Harry: Wow, Dumbledore! You really are my savior!
Dumbledore: Why are you still here? Get back to school already!
Harry: …Alright, then.
[Harry teleports back to Hogwarts]