Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 35
[Several more Death Eaters step out and start menacing our heroes!]
Harry: I’m not handing over this token to you! What the hell have you done with Sirius?!
Bellatrix: Sirius? We haven’t got Sirius! We have no interest in Sirius!
Lucius: So, anyway, just hand over that prophecy like a good boy-
Harry: You’re lying to me! What have you done to Sirius?!
Bellatrix: And what on earth makes you think we have him?
Harry: I saw a vision of your precious Dark Lord torturing him!
Bellatrix: You honestly believed that that vision was real?! You’re even stupider than you look!
Harry: …Oh, so it was a trap all along! Just like Ron and Hermione suggested! Wow, don’t I feel stupid!
Lucius: Now that that’s settled, hand over the prophecy or I’ll use force!
Harry: I refuse to allow this precious token with my own name on it to fall into your filthy and unworthy hands! Now go away and leave my friends and me alone!
Bellatrix: Whatever. Accio Prophecy!
Harry: Protego!
Bellatrix: Fuck.
Lucius: Don’t act so recklessly-we don’t want the prophecy smashed!
Bellatrix: Well if I can’t summon it I’ll just torture the boy’s friends until he hands it over, then. This one will do! [Indicates Ginny]
Harry: Nooooooo! [Runs in front of Ginny] Don’t come any closer or I’ll smash the prophecy!
Bellatrix: Well if it obviously means that little to you then why in the fuck won’t you hand it over?
Harry: Because you’re evil and don’t deserve it. By the way…just what kind of prophecy is it?
Bellatrix: Well…it’s…a very important prophecy…that…ah…well, you see…the thing about that is….
Harry: Aha! You don’t know what it is either! But you know one thing I do know? Your precious Lord Voldemort was a half-blood!
Bellatrix: Be that as it may, he’s a half-blood who’s more than willing to indulge my sadistic desires. Therefore I will continue to dutifully obey him. You, by contrast, are an insolent little twit, and it is my honor to kill you. Stupefy!
Lucius: No! Stop! [He deflects the attack, but several prophecies are knocked from their shelves and break]
Bellatrix: What do you want now?
Lucius: Have you forgotten about the prophecy?
Bellatrix: But antagonizing him is so much more fun!
Harry: Alright, I’ve had about enough of this! What the hell is this prophecy?!
Lucius: I don’t know exactly what it contains, but it has something to do with your scar and why our master couldn’t kill you.
Harry: Huh. That’s nice. Hey Hermione, distract these assholes by smashing some prophecies!
Hermione: Will do! I can think of no way this might disrupt operations in the Department of Mysteries!
[She and the others begin toppling shelves, causing prophecies to smash on the floor]
Lucius: T-this equipment cost the Ministry millions of galleons!
Bellatrix: Oh, forget that. I want to torture those kids!
Lucius: Do what you want. I’m too overcome by shock to move a muscle.
[Harry and co. make a break for the exit, with Bellatrix and most of the other Death Eaters hot on their heels]
[They fight for a time. One Death Eater gets his head stuck in the bell jar, and it starts to revert to a babylike state]
Harry: That is the weirdest thing I’ve seen all day. And that’s saying something!
Hermione: Come on, let’s get out of here!
[Eventually, Harry and Hermione are cornered by some Death Eaters]
Death Eater: Lucius, Lucius! I’ve found the troublemakers in--!
Hermione: Silencio!
[The Death Eater can no longer speak, but he can cast a spell that knocks Hermione unconscious]
Harry: Oh, no! Is she dead!
Neville: Harry! What’s happening?!
[Neville crawls along the floor until he gets a Death Eater’s foot in his face, breaking his nose]
Neville: Ow! That hurts!
Harry: Oh, Navel, you’re such a wuss-it’s just a little broken nose!
Neville: Who cares?! It hurts! And my name’s not Navel you brainless moron!
[Meanwhile, the silent Death Eater pulls off his mask to reveal his identity as Antonin Dolohov!]
Harry: You have an evil, ugly face! Go away so I can cry over my poor injured friend!
Dolohov: [Facepalm]
[But just then, the baby-headed Death Eater enters!]
Harry: Well his face is considerably uglier than yours, at least! [Paralyzes both Death Eaters]
Neville: So…what are we going to do about Hermione?
Harry: Oh, no! Is Hermione dead? She’s dead, isn’t she?! This is all my fault! How could I let my friend die?! Now who will do my thinking for me?!
Neville: [Feeling Hermione’s arm] Harry, she’s alive.
Harry: How will I ever cope with Ron’s stupidity alone?! It was always Hermione who kept him on the straight and narrow!
Neville: Harry, she’s alive! She has a pulse-I just felt it!
Harry: Oh. Alright, then. So…anyway, I’m off to find the others. Navel, carry Hermione’s unconscious form for me, won’t you?
Neville: My name is not Navel you idiot! And stop talking to me like that!
Harry: Whatever. Take Hermione anyway. I can think of no way you might be inconvenienced by carrying someone who’s close to your own size.
Neville: [Buries face in hands] The things I have to put up with….
[But before too long, they run into Ron, Luna, and Ginny!]
Luna: I’m alright. Ginny’s got a broken ankle, but I think she’ll live. Ron…. I’m not even sure what happened to Ron. He’s confused, though.
Ron: Harry, what is Loony doing giving an account of things? What happened? Where are we? Why do I keep seeing stars?
Harry: Wow, Ron-you’re making even less sense than usual!
[They try to make their way to the exit, but the Death Eaters catch up to them in the brain room and give chase! Eventually, Luna is knocked unconscious!]
Ron: Harry, look. Brains.
Harry: Yes, I know. It must be tantalizing to see them up close like that, seeing as you haven’t got one.
Ron: I haven’t got a brain?
Harry: Nope. Not one. You’re even stupider than me, and I barely have any brain to begin with.
Ron: In that case, I’ll just catch myself a brain. [He summons one]
Harry: Ron why are you playing with that brain?
Ron: Because I’m hoping it’ll make me smarter.
Harry: Ron can I have one?
Ron: No. Fuck off, Harry! [He starts to poke at the brain, which acquires a life of its own and begins to strangle him]
Ginny: Oh no! My dear brother is being strangled to death, and here I am sitting uselessly in the corner with a broken ankle!
Death Eaters: Stupefy!
Ginny: Aaaah! [Falls unconscious]
Harry: Oh, no! Things are going way worse than I could have ever anticipated! The only thing to do is…run away and act as a decoy! [He runs away, holding the prophecy in plain view of the Death Eaters]
Ron: Does…does anyone care that I’m being slowly throttled by an enchanted brain?
[Harry runs as far as he can, but ultimately he’s cornered by Lucius and Bellatrix!]
Lucius: Now, hand over the prophecy before you get yourself and all your friends killed.
Harry: And if I give it to you do I have your word that you won’t kill my friends?
Neville: Noooooo! Don’t hand it over! Clearly this is the super important token that will determine the outcome of the plot from this point forward!
Harry: It is?
Neville: It might as well be for all we know.
Bellatrix: Oh look. It’s Navel Longbottom. The boy whose parents I tortured and put in the loony bin.
Neville: Yes, that’s right. But I survived to fight another day in spite of everything! Oh, and also my name isn’t Navel, thanks.
Bellatrix: Whatever! I think I’ll send you to join your parents.
Neville: I’d like to see you try!
Harry: No! Don’t torture my friend!
Neville: That’s alright-I can deal with it.
Bellatrix: Oh, yeah? Crucio!
Neville: OOOOOOOOOOOOOW THE PAAAAAAAAIN!
Bellatrix: …Well that was an underwhelming reaction. You shouldn’t even be able to speak for pain.
Neville: Ha! Your pitiful torturing spells are nothing compared to what my uncles put me through!
Bellatrix: I’m being outclassed in villainy by a wizarding family whose most prominent members were tortured into insanity by none other than myself? It’s like the universe has rejected its own laws! Oh, well. [to Harry] You’d better hand over the prophecy unless you want me to torture your friend a second time!
[But just then, the Order of the Phoenix arrives!]
Harry: Hooray for last-minute dramatic entrances of allies!
Neville: Thank goodness!
[Unfortunately, an explosion distracts them long enough for a Death Eater to grab Harry in a chokehold!]
Death Eater: Now, your prophecy or your life!
Neville: Oh, no you don’t! Take this! [He stabs the Death Eater in the eye with Hermione’s wand causing him to release Harry]
Harry: Wow, Navel! You saved my life!
Neville: FOR THE LAST TIME MY NAME IS NOT NAVEL! AAAAAARGH! [Smacks Harry]
Dolohov: Tarantallegra!
[Neville’s feet begin dancing of their own free will]
Harry: What?! Sneak up on me, will you?!
Dolohov: Take this! Accio Prophecy!
Harry: Noooooo! [He manages to catch the prophecy just in time] Petrificus Totalus!
[Dolohov is down for the count]
Sirius: Harry, are you hurt?
Harry: No, don’t be silly!
Sirius: You’d better take your friends and get out of here before you all perish.
Harry: Good thinking-but what will become of you?
Sirius: Alas, the sands of time for me are running low.
Harry: No! It can’t be!
Sirius: Ah, but it is. Take good care of yourself.
Harry: …Whatever. I’m sure he’s just conditioning me to expect the worst but will miraculously pull through in the end.
[He helps Neville toward the exit…]
Lucius: Oh, no you don’t! Now it’s…finally…the end of the line and you have no choice but to hand me that prophecy!
Harry: Never! I’ve come too far to hand it over now!
[Harry throws the prophecy to Neville while he repositions himself to fight Lucius]
Harry: Impedimenta!
[Unfortunately, in the confusion, Neville drops the prophecy!]
Harry: Oh, well. As a main character, if I’d been meant to hear it I’m sure I would have heard it by now. The important thing is to get out of here without getting killed. Somehow…
[But just then…]
Dumbledore: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS?!
Harry and Neville: DUMBLEDORE?!
Harry: My savior! [Starry eyes]
[Meanwhile, Sirius is still fighting Bellatrix]
Sirius: Yes, that’s right-you don’t kill my beloved godson. You kill me!
Bellatrix: I’m glad to oblige! Stupefy!
[Bellatrix fires a spell at Sirius and he disappears behind the veil!]
Sirius: At last I’m out of my misery! Now I can rest in peeeeeeeeeeace!
Bellatrix: No! This is all wrong! You’re not supposed to be happy to die! You’re not supposed to be giving up your life except incidentally!
Harry: NOOOOOO! MY BELOVED DOGFATHER IS DEAD!
Lupin: Harry, calm down! Please calm down!
Bellatrix: Oh, well-I suppose I’ll have to be content with watching that boy’s reactions to his death.
Harry: I’m not handing over this token to you! What the hell have you done with Sirius?!
Bellatrix: Sirius? We haven’t got Sirius! We have no interest in Sirius!
Lucius: So, anyway, just hand over that prophecy like a good boy-
Harry: You’re lying to me! What have you done to Sirius?!
Bellatrix: And what on earth makes you think we have him?
Harry: I saw a vision of your precious Dark Lord torturing him!
Bellatrix: You honestly believed that that vision was real?! You’re even stupider than you look!
Harry: …Oh, so it was a trap all along! Just like Ron and Hermione suggested! Wow, don’t I feel stupid!
Lucius: Now that that’s settled, hand over the prophecy or I’ll use force!
Harry: I refuse to allow this precious token with my own name on it to fall into your filthy and unworthy hands! Now go away and leave my friends and me alone!
Bellatrix: Whatever. Accio Prophecy!
Harry: Protego!
Bellatrix: Fuck.
Lucius: Don’t act so recklessly-we don’t want the prophecy smashed!
Bellatrix: Well if I can’t summon it I’ll just torture the boy’s friends until he hands it over, then. This one will do! [Indicates Ginny]
Harry: Nooooooo! [Runs in front of Ginny] Don’t come any closer or I’ll smash the prophecy!
Bellatrix: Well if it obviously means that little to you then why in the fuck won’t you hand it over?
Harry: Because you’re evil and don’t deserve it. By the way…just what kind of prophecy is it?
Bellatrix: Well…it’s…a very important prophecy…that…ah…well, you see…the thing about that is….
Harry: Aha! You don’t know what it is either! But you know one thing I do know? Your precious Lord Voldemort was a half-blood!
Bellatrix: Be that as it may, he’s a half-blood who’s more than willing to indulge my sadistic desires. Therefore I will continue to dutifully obey him. You, by contrast, are an insolent little twit, and it is my honor to kill you. Stupefy!
Lucius: No! Stop! [He deflects the attack, but several prophecies are knocked from their shelves and break]
Bellatrix: What do you want now?
Lucius: Have you forgotten about the prophecy?
Bellatrix: But antagonizing him is so much more fun!
Harry: Alright, I’ve had about enough of this! What the hell is this prophecy?!
Lucius: I don’t know exactly what it contains, but it has something to do with your scar and why our master couldn’t kill you.
Harry: Huh. That’s nice. Hey Hermione, distract these assholes by smashing some prophecies!
Hermione: Will do! I can think of no way this might disrupt operations in the Department of Mysteries!
[She and the others begin toppling shelves, causing prophecies to smash on the floor]
Lucius: T-this equipment cost the Ministry millions of galleons!
Bellatrix: Oh, forget that. I want to torture those kids!
Lucius: Do what you want. I’m too overcome by shock to move a muscle.
[Harry and co. make a break for the exit, with Bellatrix and most of the other Death Eaters hot on their heels]
[They fight for a time. One Death Eater gets his head stuck in the bell jar, and it starts to revert to a babylike state]
Harry: That is the weirdest thing I’ve seen all day. And that’s saying something!
Hermione: Come on, let’s get out of here!
[Eventually, Harry and Hermione are cornered by some Death Eaters]
Death Eater: Lucius, Lucius! I’ve found the troublemakers in--!
Hermione: Silencio!
[The Death Eater can no longer speak, but he can cast a spell that knocks Hermione unconscious]
Harry: Oh, no! Is she dead!
Neville: Harry! What’s happening?!
[Neville crawls along the floor until he gets a Death Eater’s foot in his face, breaking his nose]
Neville: Ow! That hurts!
Harry: Oh, Navel, you’re such a wuss-it’s just a little broken nose!
Neville: Who cares?! It hurts! And my name’s not Navel you brainless moron!
[Meanwhile, the silent Death Eater pulls off his mask to reveal his identity as Antonin Dolohov!]
Harry: You have an evil, ugly face! Go away so I can cry over my poor injured friend!
Dolohov: [Facepalm]
[But just then, the baby-headed Death Eater enters!]
Harry: Well his face is considerably uglier than yours, at least! [Paralyzes both Death Eaters]
Neville: So…what are we going to do about Hermione?
Harry: Oh, no! Is Hermione dead? She’s dead, isn’t she?! This is all my fault! How could I let my friend die?! Now who will do my thinking for me?!
Neville: [Feeling Hermione’s arm] Harry, she’s alive.
Harry: How will I ever cope with Ron’s stupidity alone?! It was always Hermione who kept him on the straight and narrow!
Neville: Harry, she’s alive! She has a pulse-I just felt it!
Harry: Oh. Alright, then. So…anyway, I’m off to find the others. Navel, carry Hermione’s unconscious form for me, won’t you?
Neville: My name is not Navel you idiot! And stop talking to me like that!
Harry: Whatever. Take Hermione anyway. I can think of no way you might be inconvenienced by carrying someone who’s close to your own size.
Neville: [Buries face in hands] The things I have to put up with….
[But before too long, they run into Ron, Luna, and Ginny!]
Luna: I’m alright. Ginny’s got a broken ankle, but I think she’ll live. Ron…. I’m not even sure what happened to Ron. He’s confused, though.
Ron: Harry, what is Loony doing giving an account of things? What happened? Where are we? Why do I keep seeing stars?
Harry: Wow, Ron-you’re making even less sense than usual!
[They try to make their way to the exit, but the Death Eaters catch up to them in the brain room and give chase! Eventually, Luna is knocked unconscious!]
Ron: Harry, look. Brains.
Harry: Yes, I know. It must be tantalizing to see them up close like that, seeing as you haven’t got one.
Ron: I haven’t got a brain?
Harry: Nope. Not one. You’re even stupider than me, and I barely have any brain to begin with.
Ron: In that case, I’ll just catch myself a brain. [He summons one]
Harry: Ron why are you playing with that brain?
Ron: Because I’m hoping it’ll make me smarter.
Harry: Ron can I have one?
Ron: No. Fuck off, Harry! [He starts to poke at the brain, which acquires a life of its own and begins to strangle him]
Ginny: Oh no! My dear brother is being strangled to death, and here I am sitting uselessly in the corner with a broken ankle!
Death Eaters: Stupefy!
Ginny: Aaaah! [Falls unconscious]
Harry: Oh, no! Things are going way worse than I could have ever anticipated! The only thing to do is…run away and act as a decoy! [He runs away, holding the prophecy in plain view of the Death Eaters]
Ron: Does…does anyone care that I’m being slowly throttled by an enchanted brain?
[Harry runs as far as he can, but ultimately he’s cornered by Lucius and Bellatrix!]
Lucius: Now, hand over the prophecy before you get yourself and all your friends killed.
Harry: And if I give it to you do I have your word that you won’t kill my friends?
Neville: Noooooo! Don’t hand it over! Clearly this is the super important token that will determine the outcome of the plot from this point forward!
Harry: It is?
Neville: It might as well be for all we know.
Bellatrix: Oh look. It’s Navel Longbottom. The boy whose parents I tortured and put in the loony bin.
Neville: Yes, that’s right. But I survived to fight another day in spite of everything! Oh, and also my name isn’t Navel, thanks.
Bellatrix: Whatever! I think I’ll send you to join your parents.
Neville: I’d like to see you try!
Harry: No! Don’t torture my friend!
Neville: That’s alright-I can deal with it.
Bellatrix: Oh, yeah? Crucio!
Neville: OOOOOOOOOOOOOW THE PAAAAAAAAIN!
Bellatrix: …Well that was an underwhelming reaction. You shouldn’t even be able to speak for pain.
Neville: Ha! Your pitiful torturing spells are nothing compared to what my uncles put me through!
Bellatrix: I’m being outclassed in villainy by a wizarding family whose most prominent members were tortured into insanity by none other than myself? It’s like the universe has rejected its own laws! Oh, well. [to Harry] You’d better hand over the prophecy unless you want me to torture your friend a second time!
[But just then, the Order of the Phoenix arrives!]
Harry: Hooray for last-minute dramatic entrances of allies!
Neville: Thank goodness!
[Unfortunately, an explosion distracts them long enough for a Death Eater to grab Harry in a chokehold!]
Death Eater: Now, your prophecy or your life!
Neville: Oh, no you don’t! Take this! [He stabs the Death Eater in the eye with Hermione’s wand causing him to release Harry]
Harry: Wow, Navel! You saved my life!
Neville: FOR THE LAST TIME MY NAME IS NOT NAVEL! AAAAAARGH! [Smacks Harry]
Dolohov: Tarantallegra!
[Neville’s feet begin dancing of their own free will]
Harry: What?! Sneak up on me, will you?!
Dolohov: Take this! Accio Prophecy!
Harry: Noooooo! [He manages to catch the prophecy just in time] Petrificus Totalus!
[Dolohov is down for the count]
Sirius: Harry, are you hurt?
Harry: No, don’t be silly!
Sirius: You’d better take your friends and get out of here before you all perish.
Harry: Good thinking-but what will become of you?
Sirius: Alas, the sands of time for me are running low.
Harry: No! It can’t be!
Sirius: Ah, but it is. Take good care of yourself.
Harry: …Whatever. I’m sure he’s just conditioning me to expect the worst but will miraculously pull through in the end.
[He helps Neville toward the exit…]
Lucius: Oh, no you don’t! Now it’s…finally…the end of the line and you have no choice but to hand me that prophecy!
Harry: Never! I’ve come too far to hand it over now!
[Harry throws the prophecy to Neville while he repositions himself to fight Lucius]
Harry: Impedimenta!
[Unfortunately, in the confusion, Neville drops the prophecy!]
Harry: Oh, well. As a main character, if I’d been meant to hear it I’m sure I would have heard it by now. The important thing is to get out of here without getting killed. Somehow…
[But just then…]
Dumbledore: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS?!
Harry and Neville: DUMBLEDORE?!
Harry: My savior! [Starry eyes]
[Meanwhile, Sirius is still fighting Bellatrix]
Sirius: Yes, that’s right-you don’t kill my beloved godson. You kill me!
Bellatrix: I’m glad to oblige! Stupefy!
[Bellatrix fires a spell at Sirius and he disappears behind the veil!]
Sirius: At last I’m out of my misery! Now I can rest in peeeeeeeeeeace!
Bellatrix: No! This is all wrong! You’re not supposed to be happy to die! You’re not supposed to be giving up your life except incidentally!
Harry: NOOOOOO! MY BELOVED DOGFATHER IS DEAD!
Lupin: Harry, calm down! Please calm down!
Bellatrix: Oh, well-I suppose I’ll have to be content with watching that boy’s reactions to his death.