Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 33
[Harry and Hermione go out to the Forbidden Forest, with Umbridge following close behind]
Harry: This is lunacy! You’re going to get us killed!
Hermione: Nonsense-all my ideas are good ones!
Harry: But this is where Ron and I went in when we were looking for Hagrid’s Acromantula friend in the second book!
Hermione: Don’t worry-I’m not going anywhere near him.
Harry: Then where are we going?!
Hermione: Just you wait and see.
Harry: You’re starting to sound like Hagrid.
Umbridge: What are you kids talking about? You’re not conspiring to lure me into a trap, are you?
Hermione: How ever did you guess?
[Just then, an arrow flies past them!]
Harry: Huh. Maybe my fantasizings about Umbridge being violated by centaurs have a kernel of truth to them after all.
Umbridge: I’m supposed to get violated by centaurs?!
Hermione: Muahaha! By the time this scene is over you’ll wish you had been off in Wales campaigning to protect the miners!
Magorian: What are you troublemakers doing here?
Umbridge: These kids have something important to show me, that’s what. Now get out of the way, you totally inferior magical beasts!
Bane: How dare you insult us like that! Take this! [Fires an arrow at her to miss]
Umbridge: Aaah! Not the arrows! Anything but that!
Magorian: You have wandered into our lands unannounced, and insulted us by declaring us inferior. Now you must face punishment.
Umbridge: Punishment? What kind of punishment?
Bane: Use your imagination.
Umbridge: I don’t have any imagination-that’s why I’m so officious and banal in my villainy! [Pause] Are you, by any chance, going to violate me?
Bane: No-we are nowhere near as evil as you, and so refuse to subject you to the level of pain and humiliation that you so love to inflict on others.
Umbridge: Oh, what a relief.
Bane: Don’t think you’re getting off easy. You’re coming with me! [Grabs Umbridge and runs off with her]
Umbridge: [to Harry and Hermione] You bastards! I will have my revenge somedaaaaaaaay!
Hermione: Wonderful. Now that that’s settled, Harry and I will just be on our way--
[But the centaurs restrain Harry and Hermione as well]
Grey centaur: And just what makes you think we’ll let you get away? You were the one who brought that awful woman here!
Hermione: All part of my plan to have you dispose of her for me!
Gray centaur: How dare you take advantage of us that way?!
Hermione: What?! You…you’re not impressed by my brilliance?! You’re offended at something I did?! How dare you! I’m the smartest character in the whole damn story and everything I do is right and good and just!
Centaurs: [Collective facepalm]
[But just then, Grawp appears!]
Grawp: I’m getting bored with sitting in the woods by myself, and even Hagrid won’t visit me anymore. What did I miss?
[The centaurs all begin to shoot arrows at Grawp in surprise, making him bleed]
Grawp: Ow! That hurts, you bastards!
Hermione: Ugh, he’s bleeding all over Harry and me!
Magorian: Well…there’s no reason for us to stay. Come on, men-let’s leave these humans to get eaten by the giant!
[All the centaurs run off]
Grawp: Damn you! Don’t think I’ll take this lying down! [He runs off after them]
Harry: This is great! Grawp’s come to get rid of those pesky centaurs for us!
Hermione: Do you think he’s going to kill them all?
Harry: Who cares? They inconvenienced us!*
Hermione: True, true.
Harry: But…anyway…Sirius is still in danger! Oh, no-Sirius might be dead now! What are we going to do?! Hermione, why did you force me to waste my time on those murderous centaurs who don’t actually violate people they’re supposed to?!
Ron: Harry! Hermione! Are you alive?!
Harry: Oh, look! It’s Ron!
[Ron arrives with Neville, Luna, and Ginny]
Harry: What the-how did you get away?!
Ginny: I just performed a few bat-bogey hexes and the slimy Slytherins let us all go.
Harry: Hooray!
Ron: So…ah…where’s Umbridge?
Harry: Off with some centaurs who are not violating her, apparently!
Ginny: Do we want to know?
Harry: No, you really don’t. Oh, but hoooooow will we ever rescue Sirius now?! I just have no clue!
Luna: I have an idea! Thestrals!
[Sure enough, the Thestrals descend and start licking Grawp’s blood off of Harry and Hermione]
Luna: Wow, there’s so much blood on you that it’s attracted enough horses to get all of us to the Ministry of Magic!
Harry: Yes, quite! I can think of no reason why these horses would have any difficulty at all finding a specific building in a specific city which they have probably never been to and would rather avoid!
*A/N: I’m exaggerating this slightly, but only slightly. Our loving hero who respects the rights of all creatures, ladies and gentlemen!
Harry: This is lunacy! You’re going to get us killed!
Hermione: Nonsense-all my ideas are good ones!
Harry: But this is where Ron and I went in when we were looking for Hagrid’s Acromantula friend in the second book!
Hermione: Don’t worry-I’m not going anywhere near him.
Harry: Then where are we going?!
Hermione: Just you wait and see.
Harry: You’re starting to sound like Hagrid.
Umbridge: What are you kids talking about? You’re not conspiring to lure me into a trap, are you?
Hermione: How ever did you guess?
[Just then, an arrow flies past them!]
Harry: Huh. Maybe my fantasizings about Umbridge being violated by centaurs have a kernel of truth to them after all.
Umbridge: I’m supposed to get violated by centaurs?!
Hermione: Muahaha! By the time this scene is over you’ll wish you had been off in Wales campaigning to protect the miners!
Magorian: What are you troublemakers doing here?
Umbridge: These kids have something important to show me, that’s what. Now get out of the way, you totally inferior magical beasts!
Bane: How dare you insult us like that! Take this! [Fires an arrow at her to miss]
Umbridge: Aaah! Not the arrows! Anything but that!
Magorian: You have wandered into our lands unannounced, and insulted us by declaring us inferior. Now you must face punishment.
Umbridge: Punishment? What kind of punishment?
Bane: Use your imagination.
Umbridge: I don’t have any imagination-that’s why I’m so officious and banal in my villainy! [Pause] Are you, by any chance, going to violate me?
Bane: No-we are nowhere near as evil as you, and so refuse to subject you to the level of pain and humiliation that you so love to inflict on others.
Umbridge: Oh, what a relief.
Bane: Don’t think you’re getting off easy. You’re coming with me! [Grabs Umbridge and runs off with her]
Umbridge: [to Harry and Hermione] You bastards! I will have my revenge somedaaaaaaaay!
Hermione: Wonderful. Now that that’s settled, Harry and I will just be on our way--
[But the centaurs restrain Harry and Hermione as well]
Grey centaur: And just what makes you think we’ll let you get away? You were the one who brought that awful woman here!
Hermione: All part of my plan to have you dispose of her for me!
Gray centaur: How dare you take advantage of us that way?!
Hermione: What?! You…you’re not impressed by my brilliance?! You’re offended at something I did?! How dare you! I’m the smartest character in the whole damn story and everything I do is right and good and just!
Centaurs: [Collective facepalm]
[But just then, Grawp appears!]
Grawp: I’m getting bored with sitting in the woods by myself, and even Hagrid won’t visit me anymore. What did I miss?
[The centaurs all begin to shoot arrows at Grawp in surprise, making him bleed]
Grawp: Ow! That hurts, you bastards!
Hermione: Ugh, he’s bleeding all over Harry and me!
Magorian: Well…there’s no reason for us to stay. Come on, men-let’s leave these humans to get eaten by the giant!
[All the centaurs run off]
Grawp: Damn you! Don’t think I’ll take this lying down! [He runs off after them]
Harry: This is great! Grawp’s come to get rid of those pesky centaurs for us!
Hermione: Do you think he’s going to kill them all?
Harry: Who cares? They inconvenienced us!*
Hermione: True, true.
Harry: But…anyway…Sirius is still in danger! Oh, no-Sirius might be dead now! What are we going to do?! Hermione, why did you force me to waste my time on those murderous centaurs who don’t actually violate people they’re supposed to?!
Ron: Harry! Hermione! Are you alive?!
Harry: Oh, look! It’s Ron!
[Ron arrives with Neville, Luna, and Ginny]
Harry: What the-how did you get away?!
Ginny: I just performed a few bat-bogey hexes and the slimy Slytherins let us all go.
Harry: Hooray!
Ron: So…ah…where’s Umbridge?
Harry: Off with some centaurs who are not violating her, apparently!
Ginny: Do we want to know?
Harry: No, you really don’t. Oh, but hoooooow will we ever rescue Sirius now?! I just have no clue!
Luna: I have an idea! Thestrals!
[Sure enough, the Thestrals descend and start licking Grawp’s blood off of Harry and Hermione]
Luna: Wow, there’s so much blood on you that it’s attracted enough horses to get all of us to the Ministry of Magic!
Harry: Yes, quite! I can think of no reason why these horses would have any difficulty at all finding a specific building in a specific city which they have probably never been to and would rather avoid!
*A/N: I’m exaggerating this slightly, but only slightly. Our loving hero who respects the rights of all creatures, ladies and gentlemen!