Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 27
Wow-there is so much WTFery in this chapter. So much.
Parvati: So, Hermione, what do you think of the fact that we’re taking Divination with a centaur now?
Hermione: He’s nothing but a horse to me.
Lavender: Isn’t that really offensive?*
Hermione: Nonsense-I’m the main character so nothing I say could possibly be construed as offensive!
Harry: By the way, how is Trelawney doing?
Lavender: You of all people want to know that?
Harry: Hey, I’m not totally self-absorbed, you know.
Parvati: Could’ve fooled us.
Lavender: She’s not taking all this well.
Hermione: By the way, I’ll bet Umbridge is already plotting her revenge over this. She’s not happy that Dumbledore hired a teacher without telling her-and one that’s part human too.**
[They go to Divination…]
Ron: Hey, why isn’t anyone going to the classroom?
Parvati: They got a different classroom so Firenze wouldn’t have to climb stairs, duh!
Ron: I can’t believe I didn’t notice that. Don’t I feel stupid!
Harry: You should be used to this by now.
[They get to the class, which has been converted to a woodland setup]
Firenze: By the way, I feel compelled to inform you all that I’ve been banished from my herd for agreeing to work for a human. This will become important later. So, anyway, today we’re going to study the position of the stars and planets.
Parvati: Oh, you mean like we were doing with Professor Trelawney?
Firenze: No, that’s the inferior human way. We’re going to do it my way, which I trust you’ll find far more reliable.
Parvati: Well you don’t need to be rude.
Firenze: By the way, if you take away one thing from this class, it’s that nothing is foolproof-not even if we centaurs have been doing it for thousands of years. So, anyway, we’re currently at a period of calm between two wars. Hint hint.
[After class…]
Firenze: By the way, Harry Potter, I want you to speak to Hagrid and tell him to stop doing a thing.
Harry: A thing? What thing?
Firenze: That’s for me to know and you to find out. Just…tell him to stop doing the thing.
Harry: Well I can certainly try…. If that awful Umbridge stops breathing down his neck.
Firenze: What was that?
Harry: Oh, nothing….
[It takes a while but he eventually does get an audience with Hagrid.]
Harry: So, Hagrid, Firenze told me, to tell you, to stop doing a thing.
Hagrid: [innocently] A thing? What could he possibly mean by a thing?
Harry: I don’t know. But he told me that it was dangerous and you had to stop it. It’s only going to make you look worse for Umbridge if you keep it up, whatever it is, and she’s already sacked one person!
Hagrid: My mind is made up-I will do the thing even if it kills me.
Harry: If it kills you?!
Hagrid: Never you worry your pretty little head-I have this all under control.
Harry: Honestly, you’re hopeless!
[Meanwhile, the DA members can do a Patronus charm now!]
Harry: So…group orgy time?
Hermione: Look at me-I can do one! I don’t see too many others doing one!
[Just then, Dobby bursts in]
Dobby: Harry, Harry! You’ve been discovered!
Harry: Oh, no! We must get away, now!
[They all exit the room as fast as they can]
Harry: By the way, Dobby, I order you not to tell anyone you were helping me.
Dobby: That works for me. [Departs]
[Harry tries to run away but is apprehended by Draco]
Draco: Umbridge, Umbridge! I’ve caught Harry!
Umbridge: Oh, good! Now I get to really torture him!
Harry: You weren’t torturing me before?
Umbridge: I can do things to you that would make everything you experienced so far seem tame!
Harry: Worse than the “Draco Sinister” incident?
Umbridge: You’ll be begging for a repeat performance by the time I’m through with you!
Harry: Noooooooo!
[Umbridge escorts Harry to Dumbledore’s office, where he’s waiting along with Fudge, Kingsley Shacklebolt, and some others]
Fudge: So you’re the one who’s been conducting illicit activities under my Umbridge’s nose?
Harry: Yes!
[Dumbledore looks at him funny]
Harry: I mean, no! I mean…aagh, Dumbledore, what should I tell these people?!
Umbridge: Well this is boring-I’ll go get the other witness.
[She fetches Marietta, who has the word “Sneak” scrawled across her face now]
Harry: It’s you! I knew you were trouble from the minute I first laid eyes on you!
Marietta: I’m trouble?! It’s not my fault my beautiful face is ruined!
Harry: You sold us to the enemy!
Marietta: I never wanted to be a part of your club in the first place! Your friends made me!
Umbridge: That’s quite enough of that!
Marietta: Sorry….
Umbridge: So, anyway, Marietta, what do you know about all this?
Marietta: Ah…just what I’ve told you. Honest.
Umbridge: So you don’t know anything about who was at this meeting you mentioned to me?
Marietta: No. Honest.
Umbridge: I don’t believe you.
Marietta: Oh, come now-my mother works for the Ministry. Would I lie to you?
Umbridge: …You’re a smart girl. Whatever, I have what I need now. Did you know that Willy Widdershins was the one who informed me that something suspicious was happening around this boy? He saw him meeting with his friends in the Hog’s Head!
McGonagall: So the Ministry made a deal with a criminal so he could avoid prosecution? Wow, our justice system is terrible when it’s not working in our favor.
Umbridge: Ahem, anyway, I’m sure that this was all a scheme on the part of Harry Potter to discredit me and do all sorts of illegal stuff, and I propose that he be tortured into insanity-I mean, suitably punished.
Dumbledore: You know, at the time the first meeting took place it was perfectly legal to start a school club with some friends.
Umbridge: Yes, but I made a decree. All meetings after that decree were still against the rules.
Dumbledore: And do you have any proof that there have been meetings since the decree? Except for this one?
Harry: Look! Kingsley Shacklebolt’s doing a mysterious thing!
Umbridge: Oh, quiet, you! Well, Marietta? Have there been?
Marietta: You know…I really don’t think there have.
Umbridge: What?
Marietta: You heard me.
Umbridge: I don’t believe you! How could you be protecting the girl who scarred up your face like that?!
Marietta: What girl? Who are you? Who am I? Why the hell does my face look like I’ve been to an Alan Rickman autograph session?!
Umbridge: This isn’t funny! Now tell me the truth about those meetings or else! [Grabs Marietta threateningly]
Marietta: What meetings?
Kingsley Shacklebolt: Dumbledore, don’t you think you should do something about Umbridge harassing your student?
Dumbledore: Oh, right. Umbridge, as the good and righteous headmaster of this school I hereby command you to let that poor girl alone!
Umbridge: Aww, and I was having such a good time manhandling her too! …But as I was saying, I do in fact have proof of this meeting because one of my beloved students found a list with everyone’s names on it!
Harry: Oh, no! Hermione’s awesome list has fallen into enemy hands!
Umbridge: What did you say?
Harry: Oh, nothing….
Fudge: It says here…they’ve named themselves Dumbledore’s Army.
Dumbledore: So there you have it! This was all my idea-Harry’s innocent!
Harry: What? But that’s not--!
Dumbledore: Well now you know what it’ll be like in the last two books, where everything you do really will be my idea!
Harry: You are impossible!
Fudge: Percy, are you recording this?
Percy: Of course-otherwise I wouldn’t be able to believe it was happening!
Fudge: Good, good-Dumbledore, I hereby place you under arrest and will have you sent to Azkaban!
Dumbledore: You say that as if I would ever follow the likes of you. No, instead I’m going to run away.
Fudge: I think not! Aurors, get him!
Dumbledore: Not today, Fudge! [He uses magic to knock them unconscious] Oh, by the way, it was Kingsley’s idea to modify Marietta’s memories without her knowledge or consent in order to protect you, Harry.
Harry: Wow, he’s so thoughtful!
Marietta: I feel so unclean!
Dumbledore: So…yeah, keep learning Occlumency, and I’ll see you in the next book, if not sooner. [Disappears]
Harry: My angel Dumbledore, gone for the rest of the book?! IT’S NOT FAAAAAAIR!
*A/N: Seriously, how in the hell is that NOT offensive? Why does the book treat it like it isn’t a big deal?!
**A/N: I’m sorry-it’s wrong of Umbridge to hate Firenze because he’s part human…but it’s perfectly okay for HERMIONE to compare him (unironically) to a FARM ANIMAL?!
Parvati: So, Hermione, what do you think of the fact that we’re taking Divination with a centaur now?
Hermione: He’s nothing but a horse to me.
Lavender: Isn’t that really offensive?*
Hermione: Nonsense-I’m the main character so nothing I say could possibly be construed as offensive!
Harry: By the way, how is Trelawney doing?
Lavender: You of all people want to know that?
Harry: Hey, I’m not totally self-absorbed, you know.
Parvati: Could’ve fooled us.
Lavender: She’s not taking all this well.
Hermione: By the way, I’ll bet Umbridge is already plotting her revenge over this. She’s not happy that Dumbledore hired a teacher without telling her-and one that’s part human too.**
[They go to Divination…]
Ron: Hey, why isn’t anyone going to the classroom?
Parvati: They got a different classroom so Firenze wouldn’t have to climb stairs, duh!
Ron: I can’t believe I didn’t notice that. Don’t I feel stupid!
Harry: You should be used to this by now.
[They get to the class, which has been converted to a woodland setup]
Firenze: By the way, I feel compelled to inform you all that I’ve been banished from my herd for agreeing to work for a human. This will become important later. So, anyway, today we’re going to study the position of the stars and planets.
Parvati: Oh, you mean like we were doing with Professor Trelawney?
Firenze: No, that’s the inferior human way. We’re going to do it my way, which I trust you’ll find far more reliable.
Parvati: Well you don’t need to be rude.
Firenze: By the way, if you take away one thing from this class, it’s that nothing is foolproof-not even if we centaurs have been doing it for thousands of years. So, anyway, we’re currently at a period of calm between two wars. Hint hint.
[After class…]
Firenze: By the way, Harry Potter, I want you to speak to Hagrid and tell him to stop doing a thing.
Harry: A thing? What thing?
Firenze: That’s for me to know and you to find out. Just…tell him to stop doing the thing.
Harry: Well I can certainly try…. If that awful Umbridge stops breathing down his neck.
Firenze: What was that?
Harry: Oh, nothing….
[It takes a while but he eventually does get an audience with Hagrid.]
Harry: So, Hagrid, Firenze told me, to tell you, to stop doing a thing.
Hagrid: [innocently] A thing? What could he possibly mean by a thing?
Harry: I don’t know. But he told me that it was dangerous and you had to stop it. It’s only going to make you look worse for Umbridge if you keep it up, whatever it is, and she’s already sacked one person!
Hagrid: My mind is made up-I will do the thing even if it kills me.
Harry: If it kills you?!
Hagrid: Never you worry your pretty little head-I have this all under control.
Harry: Honestly, you’re hopeless!
[Meanwhile, the DA members can do a Patronus charm now!]
Harry: So…group orgy time?
Hermione: Look at me-I can do one! I don’t see too many others doing one!
[Just then, Dobby bursts in]
Dobby: Harry, Harry! You’ve been discovered!
Harry: Oh, no! We must get away, now!
[They all exit the room as fast as they can]
Harry: By the way, Dobby, I order you not to tell anyone you were helping me.
Dobby: That works for me. [Departs]
[Harry tries to run away but is apprehended by Draco]
Draco: Umbridge, Umbridge! I’ve caught Harry!
Umbridge: Oh, good! Now I get to really torture him!
Harry: You weren’t torturing me before?
Umbridge: I can do things to you that would make everything you experienced so far seem tame!
Harry: Worse than the “Draco Sinister” incident?
Umbridge: You’ll be begging for a repeat performance by the time I’m through with you!
Harry: Noooooooo!
[Umbridge escorts Harry to Dumbledore’s office, where he’s waiting along with Fudge, Kingsley Shacklebolt, and some others]
Fudge: So you’re the one who’s been conducting illicit activities under my Umbridge’s nose?
Harry: Yes!
[Dumbledore looks at him funny]
Harry: I mean, no! I mean…aagh, Dumbledore, what should I tell these people?!
Umbridge: Well this is boring-I’ll go get the other witness.
[She fetches Marietta, who has the word “Sneak” scrawled across her face now]
Harry: It’s you! I knew you were trouble from the minute I first laid eyes on you!
Marietta: I’m trouble?! It’s not my fault my beautiful face is ruined!
Harry: You sold us to the enemy!
Marietta: I never wanted to be a part of your club in the first place! Your friends made me!
Umbridge: That’s quite enough of that!
Marietta: Sorry….
Umbridge: So, anyway, Marietta, what do you know about all this?
Marietta: Ah…just what I’ve told you. Honest.
Umbridge: So you don’t know anything about who was at this meeting you mentioned to me?
Marietta: No. Honest.
Umbridge: I don’t believe you.
Marietta: Oh, come now-my mother works for the Ministry. Would I lie to you?
Umbridge: …You’re a smart girl. Whatever, I have what I need now. Did you know that Willy Widdershins was the one who informed me that something suspicious was happening around this boy? He saw him meeting with his friends in the Hog’s Head!
McGonagall: So the Ministry made a deal with a criminal so he could avoid prosecution? Wow, our justice system is terrible when it’s not working in our favor.
Umbridge: Ahem, anyway, I’m sure that this was all a scheme on the part of Harry Potter to discredit me and do all sorts of illegal stuff, and I propose that he be tortured into insanity-I mean, suitably punished.
Dumbledore: You know, at the time the first meeting took place it was perfectly legal to start a school club with some friends.
Umbridge: Yes, but I made a decree. All meetings after that decree were still against the rules.
Dumbledore: And do you have any proof that there have been meetings since the decree? Except for this one?
Harry: Look! Kingsley Shacklebolt’s doing a mysterious thing!
Umbridge: Oh, quiet, you! Well, Marietta? Have there been?
Marietta: You know…I really don’t think there have.
Umbridge: What?
Marietta: You heard me.
Umbridge: I don’t believe you! How could you be protecting the girl who scarred up your face like that?!
Marietta: What girl? Who are you? Who am I? Why the hell does my face look like I’ve been to an Alan Rickman autograph session?!
Umbridge: This isn’t funny! Now tell me the truth about those meetings or else! [Grabs Marietta threateningly]
Marietta: What meetings?
Kingsley Shacklebolt: Dumbledore, don’t you think you should do something about Umbridge harassing your student?
Dumbledore: Oh, right. Umbridge, as the good and righteous headmaster of this school I hereby command you to let that poor girl alone!
Umbridge: Aww, and I was having such a good time manhandling her too! …But as I was saying, I do in fact have proof of this meeting because one of my beloved students found a list with everyone’s names on it!
Harry: Oh, no! Hermione’s awesome list has fallen into enemy hands!
Umbridge: What did you say?
Harry: Oh, nothing….
Fudge: It says here…they’ve named themselves Dumbledore’s Army.
Dumbledore: So there you have it! This was all my idea-Harry’s innocent!
Harry: What? But that’s not--!
Dumbledore: Well now you know what it’ll be like in the last two books, where everything you do really will be my idea!
Harry: You are impossible!
Fudge: Percy, are you recording this?
Percy: Of course-otherwise I wouldn’t be able to believe it was happening!
Fudge: Good, good-Dumbledore, I hereby place you under arrest and will have you sent to Azkaban!
Dumbledore: You say that as if I would ever follow the likes of you. No, instead I’m going to run away.
Fudge: I think not! Aurors, get him!
Dumbledore: Not today, Fudge! [He uses magic to knock them unconscious] Oh, by the way, it was Kingsley’s idea to modify Marietta’s memories without her knowledge or consent in order to protect you, Harry.
Harry: Wow, he’s so thoughtful!
Marietta: I feel so unclean!
Dumbledore: So…yeah, keep learning Occlumency, and I’ll see you in the next book, if not sooner. [Disappears]
Harry: My angel Dumbledore, gone for the rest of the book?! IT’S NOT FAAAAAAIR!
*A/N: Seriously, how in the hell is that NOT offensive? Why does the book treat it like it isn’t a big deal?!
**A/N: I’m sorry-it’s wrong of Umbridge to hate Firenze because he’s part human…but it’s perfectly okay for HERMIONE to compare him (unironically) to a FARM ANIMAL?!