Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 36
[Now that Crouch has finished his speech, Dumbledore binds him to keep him still and takes Harry upstairs with him.]
Dumbledore: [to Snape and McGonagall] Just get Madame Pomfrey to see to Moody and then get Crouch to Fudge.
McGonagall and Snape: Aye-aye, Sir.
[Dumbledore guides Harry up to his office, where Sirius is waiting for him!]
Sirius: Hello, Harry! I'm so glad you managed to evade death yet again! However did you do it?
Harry: Oh, wow! I don't remember! Was it a Deus Ex Machina or not?
Fawkes: Hello! [Lights on Harry's knee]
Harry: Oh, hello Fawkes! Will you sing me a lullaby? I'm sleepy!
Fawkes: What am I, your mother?!
Dumbledore: No time for napping now, Harry-I need you to give another recount of your horrible ordeal tonight.
Harry: Do I have to? I'm traumatized here!
Dumbledore: How dare you! Face your trauma like a man and relate to us what happened! That's what a real Gryffindor would do!
Fawkes: I believe in you, Harry!
Harry: Alright, if even the Phoenix is cheering me on, I don't suppose I can refuse.
[He gives a blow-by-blow account of everything.]
Harry: ...Oh, by the way, Wormtail cut my arm open with a knife to use my blood in his potion!
Sirius: That bastard! I knew he would do something so dirty!
Harry: So now Voldemort can touch me again. Dumbledore, what do you make of this?
Dumbledore: What I make of this is... ah... he can touch you again. Yes, that's exactly what I make of it.
Harry: Riiiiight. Anyway, then I dueled Voldemort and our wands connected and I saw dead people!
Dumbledore: Priori incantatem! Brought about, no doubt, by the twin cores in your and Voldemort's wands!
Harry: Oh, that Priori incantatem!
Fawkes: By the way, both of those feathers came from me.
Harry: Oh, wow! This office is like Plot Device City right here!
Dumbledore: So, anyway, Voldemort can't beat Harry in battle with this particular wand. That's useful to know.
Sirius: Something tells me this plot point will be abused to Hell and back in future books.
Dumbledore: In any event, just who were these dead people?
Harry: Why, they were Voldemort's former victims! My parents, Cedric....
Sirius: Oh, no-his career as a sparkly vampire is starting, I just know it!
Harry: Don't remind me! [Shudder]
Dumbledore: So then what happened?
Harry: They helped me escape from Voldemort. That's it really-you know the rest. Now can I go to bed? I'm sleeepyyyyyy!
Dumbledore: Yes, yes-you're quite right. You should get some rest.
[Dumbledore leaves Sirius in his dog form and takes him down to the hospital wing.]
Madame Pomfrey: Just get into bed and I'll get you a potion to help you sleep.
[Harry does thus.]
[After drinking some of the potion, he wakes up awhile later to find Mrs. Weasley and Bill, as well as McGonagall and Fudge, who are arguing.]
Dumbledore: Alright, what is it this time?
McGonagall: Dumbledore, Dumbledore! Fudge took a Dementor with him to the tower where I kept Crouch, and the Dementor sucked out his soul!
Dumbledore: What?! How dare you, Fudge?!
Fudge: What do you mean? Our answer to convicts is always to throw them to the Dementors-why is this any different?
Dumbledore: How is he supposed to give testimony now? He could have given you conclusive proof that Voldemort is back and that he had helped make it so, and now he can't even remember his own name!
Harry: Oh, crap. They're going to use the fact that he never gave testimony to Voldemort's return to discredit me in later books, aren't they? Stupid Dementors....
Fudge: Yeah, well... that testimony was suspect to begin with! He was a lunatic and the only other witness is Harry, who has nervous breakdowns and can talk to snakes!
Harry: I'm a Gryffindor who can talk to snakes-it's totally different from when someone like Voldemort does it.
Fudge: I simply refuse to accept that Voldemort has returned!
Dumbledore: And why is that?
Fudge: Because I said so!
Dumbledore: That's hardly a mature answer.
Fudge: Well... it's the one I'm going with. I don't trust you, and I don't trust that Voldemort has returned!
Dumbledore: By the way, you can't trust Dementors. They're Evil and so they'll join with Voldemort the second he asks them.
Fudge: But... when it comes to guarding Azkaban they're better than nothing, right?!
Dumbledore: Nope, Dementors are Evil, unquestionably. They could ally themselves with Voldemort at any moment. The giants might be in neutral territory, though-try talking to them.
Fudge: But I don't wanna! I'm a racist!
Dumbledore: Yeah, well... you're just a pureblood bigot. Didn't you ever learn that it's not what you're born that matters, it's what you grow up to be?*
Fudge: But... but you don't even believe that yourself!
Dumbledore: Quiet, you! It's your job to make me look enlightened and progressive by comparison!
Fudge: What if I don't want to constantly get unfavorable comparisons to you?
Dumbledore: Then do exactly as I say.
Fudge: No!
Dumbledore: Oh, well. Hope you enjoy being the bad guy!
Fudge: But... but... I'm just scared is all! [Cries] I don't want Voldemort to come back.
Snape: That's too bad-my Voldie sense is tingling too.
Fudge: Why does everyone hate me so much?! [Cries some more] Oh, well-at least I can give Harry his prize money. [Hands Harry a sack of galleons.] Good night, ladies and gentlemen. [Exits]
Dumbledore: Alright, now that that's done we need to start planning for the future right away. Molly, your husband likes me better than that scumbag Fudge, right?
Mrs. Weasley: Sure! A friend of Harry's is a friend of ours!
Bill: I'll go to Dad and fill him in. [Leaves]
Dumbledore: Oh, and Madame Pomfrey, go get Moody. He's upstairs in a trunk.
Madame Pomfrey: Right away.
Dumbledore: McGonagall, go get Hagrid and Madame Maxime-I've got an assignment for them.
McGonagall: Yes, sir.
Dumbledore: Alright, now that that is settled... Sirius Black! Show yourself!
[Sirius, who has been in dog form this entire time, regains his human form.]
Mrs. Weasley: W-what are you doing here?!
Dumbledore: He's innocent, I swear. And speaking of innocent... Snape, Sirius, why don't you reconcile, now that it should be abundantly clear that the two of you are on the same side?
Snape: But I don't wanna!
Sirius: Me neither!
Dumbledore: You'll shake hands right now or I'll put you on time out!
[The two men reluctantly shake hands.]
Dumbledore: Now, Sirius, you go to that gang I've been building with Lupin and the other folk. Lie low there.
Harry: But I don't want Sirius to leave!
Sirius: Don't worry-you just have until next book. Then we'll see each other again. [He leaves]
Dumbledore: Oh, and Snape, I have top secret business for you to take care of. Off you get, now.
Snape: Sure, whatever. [He leaves after Sirius.]
Dumbledore: Alright, all my affairs are in order. I'm off to contemplate my navel some more. [He goes up to his room.]
Mrs. Weasley: So, Harry, now that you've won all that gold, what are you going to buy?
Harry: Your sons!
Mrs. Weasley: You do realize you've already won them over, right?
Harry: Oh, yeah. Oh, woe is me! What ever will I do with all this gold?! It belongs to Cedric, not me!
Mrs. Weasley: Ah... we don't need to hear you playing the tragic hero right now. Why don't you drink your potion and go to sleep?
Harry: Good thinking. [He drinks the potion and falls asleep in an instant]
*A/N: Yes this is actually a line from the book, and... really, Rowling? Were you high when you wrote that? It's clearly not supported by anything else in these books!
Dumbledore: [to Snape and McGonagall] Just get Madame Pomfrey to see to Moody and then get Crouch to Fudge.
McGonagall and Snape: Aye-aye, Sir.
[Dumbledore guides Harry up to his office, where Sirius is waiting for him!]
Sirius: Hello, Harry! I'm so glad you managed to evade death yet again! However did you do it?
Harry: Oh, wow! I don't remember! Was it a Deus Ex Machina or not?
Fawkes: Hello! [Lights on Harry's knee]
Harry: Oh, hello Fawkes! Will you sing me a lullaby? I'm sleepy!
Fawkes: What am I, your mother?!
Dumbledore: No time for napping now, Harry-I need you to give another recount of your horrible ordeal tonight.
Harry: Do I have to? I'm traumatized here!
Dumbledore: How dare you! Face your trauma like a man and relate to us what happened! That's what a real Gryffindor would do!
Fawkes: I believe in you, Harry!
Harry: Alright, if even the Phoenix is cheering me on, I don't suppose I can refuse.
[He gives a blow-by-blow account of everything.]
Harry: ...Oh, by the way, Wormtail cut my arm open with a knife to use my blood in his potion!
Sirius: That bastard! I knew he would do something so dirty!
Harry: So now Voldemort can touch me again. Dumbledore, what do you make of this?
Dumbledore: What I make of this is... ah... he can touch you again. Yes, that's exactly what I make of it.
Harry: Riiiiight. Anyway, then I dueled Voldemort and our wands connected and I saw dead people!
Dumbledore: Priori incantatem! Brought about, no doubt, by the twin cores in your and Voldemort's wands!
Harry: Oh, that Priori incantatem!
Fawkes: By the way, both of those feathers came from me.
Harry: Oh, wow! This office is like Plot Device City right here!
Dumbledore: So, anyway, Voldemort can't beat Harry in battle with this particular wand. That's useful to know.
Sirius: Something tells me this plot point will be abused to Hell and back in future books.
Dumbledore: In any event, just who were these dead people?
Harry: Why, they were Voldemort's former victims! My parents, Cedric....
Sirius: Oh, no-his career as a sparkly vampire is starting, I just know it!
Harry: Don't remind me! [Shudder]
Dumbledore: So then what happened?
Harry: They helped me escape from Voldemort. That's it really-you know the rest. Now can I go to bed? I'm sleeepyyyyyy!
Dumbledore: Yes, yes-you're quite right. You should get some rest.
[Dumbledore leaves Sirius in his dog form and takes him down to the hospital wing.]
Madame Pomfrey: Just get into bed and I'll get you a potion to help you sleep.
[Harry does thus.]
[After drinking some of the potion, he wakes up awhile later to find Mrs. Weasley and Bill, as well as McGonagall and Fudge, who are arguing.]
Dumbledore: Alright, what is it this time?
McGonagall: Dumbledore, Dumbledore! Fudge took a Dementor with him to the tower where I kept Crouch, and the Dementor sucked out his soul!
Dumbledore: What?! How dare you, Fudge?!
Fudge: What do you mean? Our answer to convicts is always to throw them to the Dementors-why is this any different?
Dumbledore: How is he supposed to give testimony now? He could have given you conclusive proof that Voldemort is back and that he had helped make it so, and now he can't even remember his own name!
Harry: Oh, crap. They're going to use the fact that he never gave testimony to Voldemort's return to discredit me in later books, aren't they? Stupid Dementors....
Fudge: Yeah, well... that testimony was suspect to begin with! He was a lunatic and the only other witness is Harry, who has nervous breakdowns and can talk to snakes!
Harry: I'm a Gryffindor who can talk to snakes-it's totally different from when someone like Voldemort does it.
Fudge: I simply refuse to accept that Voldemort has returned!
Dumbledore: And why is that?
Fudge: Because I said so!
Dumbledore: That's hardly a mature answer.
Fudge: Well... it's the one I'm going with. I don't trust you, and I don't trust that Voldemort has returned!
Dumbledore: By the way, you can't trust Dementors. They're Evil and so they'll join with Voldemort the second he asks them.
Fudge: But... when it comes to guarding Azkaban they're better than nothing, right?!
Dumbledore: Nope, Dementors are Evil, unquestionably. They could ally themselves with Voldemort at any moment. The giants might be in neutral territory, though-try talking to them.
Fudge: But I don't wanna! I'm a racist!
Dumbledore: Yeah, well... you're just a pureblood bigot. Didn't you ever learn that it's not what you're born that matters, it's what you grow up to be?*
Fudge: But... but you don't even believe that yourself!
Dumbledore: Quiet, you! It's your job to make me look enlightened and progressive by comparison!
Fudge: What if I don't want to constantly get unfavorable comparisons to you?
Dumbledore: Then do exactly as I say.
Fudge: No!
Dumbledore: Oh, well. Hope you enjoy being the bad guy!
Fudge: But... but... I'm just scared is all! [Cries] I don't want Voldemort to come back.
Snape: That's too bad-my Voldie sense is tingling too.
Fudge: Why does everyone hate me so much?! [Cries some more] Oh, well-at least I can give Harry his prize money. [Hands Harry a sack of galleons.] Good night, ladies and gentlemen. [Exits]
Dumbledore: Alright, now that that's done we need to start planning for the future right away. Molly, your husband likes me better than that scumbag Fudge, right?
Mrs. Weasley: Sure! A friend of Harry's is a friend of ours!
Bill: I'll go to Dad and fill him in. [Leaves]
Dumbledore: Oh, and Madame Pomfrey, go get Moody. He's upstairs in a trunk.
Madame Pomfrey: Right away.
Dumbledore: McGonagall, go get Hagrid and Madame Maxime-I've got an assignment for them.
McGonagall: Yes, sir.
Dumbledore: Alright, now that that is settled... Sirius Black! Show yourself!
[Sirius, who has been in dog form this entire time, regains his human form.]
Mrs. Weasley: W-what are you doing here?!
Dumbledore: He's innocent, I swear. And speaking of innocent... Snape, Sirius, why don't you reconcile, now that it should be abundantly clear that the two of you are on the same side?
Snape: But I don't wanna!
Sirius: Me neither!
Dumbledore: You'll shake hands right now or I'll put you on time out!
[The two men reluctantly shake hands.]
Dumbledore: Now, Sirius, you go to that gang I've been building with Lupin and the other folk. Lie low there.
Harry: But I don't want Sirius to leave!
Sirius: Don't worry-you just have until next book. Then we'll see each other again. [He leaves]
Dumbledore: Oh, and Snape, I have top secret business for you to take care of. Off you get, now.
Snape: Sure, whatever. [He leaves after Sirius.]
Dumbledore: Alright, all my affairs are in order. I'm off to contemplate my navel some more. [He goes up to his room.]
Mrs. Weasley: So, Harry, now that you've won all that gold, what are you going to buy?
Harry: Your sons!
Mrs. Weasley: You do realize you've already won them over, right?
Harry: Oh, yeah. Oh, woe is me! What ever will I do with all this gold?! It belongs to Cedric, not me!
Mrs. Weasley: Ah... we don't need to hear you playing the tragic hero right now. Why don't you drink your potion and go to sleep?
Harry: Good thinking. [He drinks the potion and falls asleep in an instant]
*A/N: Yes this is actually a line from the book, and... really, Rowling? Were you high when you wrote that? It's clearly not supported by anything else in these books!