Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 32
[Harry and Cedric touch down in the middle of a graveyard somewhere...]
Cedric: Where are we? This place is creepy.
Harry: Better watch out or the sparkly vampires will grab you and make you one of them!
[Just then, a short figure appears, carrying a bundle.]
Harry: Does it seem a bit too quiet to you?
[Just then...]
Mysterious Voice: AVADA KEDAVRA!
Cedric: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [Dies]
Harry: Oh, no! Cedric's dead! What is this madness-nobody's died in one of these books before! At least... nobody I'd actually gotten to know and care about!
Wormtail: There you are! [Grabs Harry and slams him against a gravestone.]
Harry: Ow! You bastard! [Turns to gravestone] Ooh, Tom Riddle. I wonder what that could possibly mean!
Wormtail: Now watch as I bind you to Tom Rid Senior's grave to make it very, very clear to you that I can in fact do perfectly decent magic if I set my mind to it!
Harry: N-no matter how much evidence you lay in front of me I refuse to see it! So there!
Wormtail: Okay that's not my fault; you're just being difficult. [Gags Harry]
[Wormtail tends a potion in a giant cauldron for awhile]
Babymort: Woooormtaiiiiiil! Is my potion ready yet?
Wormtail: It'll be ready in just a moment, Babymortiekins!
Babymort: But... I want it nooooooooow! [Cries]
Wormtail: Alright, we're just about ready! [He picks up Babymort and drops him in the potion.]
Wormtail: Now, Grave of Tom Rid Senior, you will open and whatever bone dust is left will come to this cauldron.
[The grave opens and the bone dust floats into the cauldron.]
Wormtail: Yes, thank you-now, for the next bit... I must cut off my hand and add it to the potion! [Wormtail does thus] See, Harry Potter? I just cut off my whole hand for the sake of my old master! How's THAT for a coward?!
Harry: Mmph, mrff! [translation: Big deal! If I say you're a coward, then you're a coward no matter what you do!]
Wormtail: That is a wonderful idea! [Approaches Harry with his knife] I vant to draw your blood! [He cuts Harry's arm open with a knife and collects blood in a vial.]
Harry: MRFFF! [translation: That hurt you asshole!]
[Wormtail adds the blood to the cauldron, which shimmers and glows and fizzles for awhile, befoooooore...]
Voldemort: It is I! I have returned from the dead!
Harry: Mmmfff! [translation: Oh crap! Shit just got real!]
EXTRAS: The Conception of Babymort
Wormtail: Hello, Bertha Jorkins! I've come back from service to my master and am looking really tired. Also, my shirt fell off.
Bertha Jorkins: Oooh! Wormtail! You're so hot! You make me moist just looking at you!
Wormtail: S-seriously...? [Is flattered] Wait a minute, why do you have to call me Wormtail?
Bertha Jorkins: Because that's what everyone else calls you around here.
Wormtail: Stupid school nicknames....
Bertha Jorkins: Tell me about it. Anyway, let's do it right away! I want you to fuck me so bad!
Wormtail: Oh yes, let's!
[IT WAS AMAZING!]
Cedric: Where are we? This place is creepy.
Harry: Better watch out or the sparkly vampires will grab you and make you one of them!
[Just then, a short figure appears, carrying a bundle.]
Harry: Does it seem a bit too quiet to you?
[Just then...]
Mysterious Voice: AVADA KEDAVRA!
Cedric: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [Dies]
Harry: Oh, no! Cedric's dead! What is this madness-nobody's died in one of these books before! At least... nobody I'd actually gotten to know and care about!
Wormtail: There you are! [Grabs Harry and slams him against a gravestone.]
Harry: Ow! You bastard! [Turns to gravestone] Ooh, Tom Riddle. I wonder what that could possibly mean!
Wormtail: Now watch as I bind you to Tom Rid Senior's grave to make it very, very clear to you that I can in fact do perfectly decent magic if I set my mind to it!
Harry: N-no matter how much evidence you lay in front of me I refuse to see it! So there!
Wormtail: Okay that's not my fault; you're just being difficult. [Gags Harry]
[Wormtail tends a potion in a giant cauldron for awhile]
Babymort: Woooormtaiiiiiil! Is my potion ready yet?
Wormtail: It'll be ready in just a moment, Babymortiekins!
Babymort: But... I want it nooooooooow! [Cries]
Wormtail: Alright, we're just about ready! [He picks up Babymort and drops him in the potion.]
Wormtail: Now, Grave of Tom Rid Senior, you will open and whatever bone dust is left will come to this cauldron.
[The grave opens and the bone dust floats into the cauldron.]
Wormtail: Yes, thank you-now, for the next bit... I must cut off my hand and add it to the potion! [Wormtail does thus] See, Harry Potter? I just cut off my whole hand for the sake of my old master! How's THAT for a coward?!
Harry: Mmph, mrff! [translation: Big deal! If I say you're a coward, then you're a coward no matter what you do!]
Wormtail: That is a wonderful idea! [Approaches Harry with his knife] I vant to draw your blood! [He cuts Harry's arm open with a knife and collects blood in a vial.]
Harry: MRFFF! [translation: That hurt you asshole!]
[Wormtail adds the blood to the cauldron, which shimmers and glows and fizzles for awhile, befoooooore...]
Voldemort: It is I! I have returned from the dead!
Harry: Mmmfff! [translation: Oh crap! Shit just got real!]
EXTRAS: The Conception of Babymort
Wormtail: Hello, Bertha Jorkins! I've come back from service to my master and am looking really tired. Also, my shirt fell off.
Bertha Jorkins: Oooh! Wormtail! You're so hot! You make me moist just looking at you!
Wormtail: S-seriously...? [Is flattered] Wait a minute, why do you have to call me Wormtail?
Bertha Jorkins: Because that's what everyone else calls you around here.
Wormtail: Stupid school nicknames....
Bertha Jorkins: Tell me about it. Anyway, let's do it right away! I want you to fuck me so bad!
Wormtail: Oh yes, let's!
[IT WAS AMAZING!]