Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 31

Jan 07, 2013 22:45

[So Harry relates all he has learned to Ron and Hermione]

Ron: Wow! Snape was a Death Eater once! This clearly stands as incontrovertible evidence that he's a bad guy-why in the hell does Dumbledore trust him again?!

Hermione: You're an idiot....

Ron: Why do you have to be that way?

Hermione: I just realized something about Rita Skeeter. She must have been at Bagman's trial-could this be why she and Winky seem to think he's a bad guy?

Ron: Who knows? Anyway, it doesn't make sense for Bagman to be evil-he's too awesome. Anyway, why in the world would Fudge think Madame Maxime attacked Crouch?

Hermione: Because he's prejudiced, duh. He's a slimy bigot, did you get it yet?!

[They go to bed....]

Harry: You know, this has been a valuable day for me. I actually learned to feel some real sympathy for Navel, whose parents are now in the loony bin but alive. You know, he may actually have it worse than I do.... Wow, now there's a concept. Anyway, I'm so glad that the people who tortured his parents are now put away.... Except for that teenager-he was a sexy mofo. Oh, and he was probably innocent too.... Well, the same cannot be said of Voldemort. Yeah, I'll just go back to hating Voldemort. It's easier that way.

[The next day, Ron and Hermione help Harry prepare for the rapidly-approaching third task.]

Hermione: This preparation for the tournament has given us more knowledge about hexes for the exam than classes ever have. And that is totally not a poor reflection on the quality of Dark Arts education at this school.

[One day, as the three of them practice, they spy Draco and his friends in the courtyard. Draco is talking into his hand.]

Harry: Wow! He's talking into his hand! Clearly this is a sign that he's plotting some sort of evil scheme to kill me!

Hermione: Harry, you know that anything he tries to do to hurt you will just come back to haunt him in the end. Let's just keep practicing.

[The morning of the third task, though, the three of them get a copy of the Daily Prophet that contains still more slander directed at Harry.]

Harry: It says here that everyone thinks I'm a bad guy because I'm a Parselmouth who's also associated with werewolves and giants.

Draco: I'd just like to point out that if it were me who had friends like those, you three would be bending over backward to prove how evil it made me.

Harry: Don't remind me....

Hermione: However, you'll be happy to know that I finally have an answer for how Rita Skeeter does all the things she does. Oh, but I'm not entirely sure yet.... Just have to, ah, run to the library to research it and be absolutely sure.... Gotta save all the big reveals for the very end, you know.

Ron: You do realize that we have an exam in just about ten minutes?

Hermione: Yeah, well... I have super speed! See you! [Runs off]

Harry: Luckily for me, I don't have to take the third exam because of the Triwizard Tournament. After all, this set of three sporting events spread out over an entire school year for no clear reason is sooooo much more important than real work!

McGonagall: Oh, by the way Harry, after breakfast you need to report to the room where the other Champions are greeting their families.

Harry: But I have no family to greet me! Have you forgotten that?

McGonagall: I figured you'd like the chance to laugh at the foreign stereotypes and wallow in how much you wish your parents were there.

Harry: Point taken.

[So Harry goes to where the other Champions are conversing with their relatives, and he comes across Mrs. Weasley and Bill.]

Bill: I just came here to check out my future wife, Fleur.

Harry: You're going to marry a French girl? Unbelievable!

Fleur: Wow, does this mean I'm still going to be relevant in later books?!

Bill: If I say yes will you agree to be my bride?

Fleur: I just might....

Gabrielle: Big Sister, will I ever be relevant again?

Fleur: I wouldn't get your hopes up....

Amos Diggory: By the way, Harry, I'm so glad that Cedric is finally caught up to you. I mean, Rita Skeeter treats you as though you're the only Hogwarts Champion!

Mrs. Weasley: That's because he might as well be, what with his being a Gryffindor and the main character.

Cedric: The things I have to put up with....

Mrs. Weasley: Oh, by the way, Percy has been taken in for questioning because people are beginning to think he wasn't actually receiving his instructions from Crouch.

Harry: Hooray! Percy's getting blamed for something!

Mrs. Weasley: So, yeah, he won't be judging the competition in Crouch's stead-Fudge will do so.

[At lunch, they're joined by Ron.]

Ron: Oh, hi Mom and Bill! Long time no see!

Mrs. Weasley: We just came by to cheer on Harry as he completes his third task.

Ron: Well... that's nice....

Mrs. Weasley: So, ah, how was your exam?

Ron: It was alright. Look, why do I get the feeling you care more about Harry right now than you do me?

Mrs. Weasley: It's not what it looks like-really!

Ron: Yeah, right! Next thing I know you'll be fawning over Harry breaking his nail while I'm bleeding from multiple hex wounds!

Mrs. Weasley: No-honest!

[Just then, Hermione arrives!]

Mrs. Weasley: [Glares at Hermione] I'll have you know that that Ron Weasley there's my little prince, and if you so much as put one finger on him I'm warning you, I've got a powerful, deadly spell and I'm not afraid to use it.

Hermione: There must be a mistake-I have no intention of marrying Ron!

Mrs. Weasley: Oh, thank goodness.

Ron: [Cries]

Hermione: At least until Book 7!

Mrs. Weasley: Don't remind me.... [Grumbles]

[After dinner, Harry goes outside with the other three Champions for the final competition of the tournament.]

McGonagall: Now, if for any reason you find yourselves unable to finish the maze, you can send up red sparks to get our attention.

Harry: Hey Professor McGonagall, what's the spell for shooting up red sparks?

McGonagall: Harry, you of all people should not need the spell for red sparks. Why should I tell it to you?

Harry: Great....

[The champions enter the maze...]

Bagman: And, ladies and gentlemen, tonight is the final night of the Triwizard Tournament! As we speak the Champions are preparing to embark on the final task! In first place we have the two people from Hogwarts, just because we're the best school like that; in second place is Krum and in third is Fleur because she's so delicate and female and French. Anyway, on your marks, get set, GO!

[The Champions take off into the maze! Harry takes a separate fork from Cedric and wanders for a bit.]

Harry: Man this place is creepy.

[He soon runs into Cedric, who has just fought off a Blast-ended Skrewt.]

Harry: Well, better him than me having to face one of those things, anyway!

[He faces down a Boggart disguised as a Dementor, and then after a bit comes to a gold mist.]

Harry: Wow! I've never seen an enchantment like this before! I wonder what it does?

Fleur: EEK! HELP ME!

Harry: Oh, no! Fleur is in trouble! Eh, maybe I'll be able to rescue her if I just walk through the mist.

[He does so, and his entire world turns upside-down.]

Harry: Curse this maze, for giving me a challenge I've never even seen or heard about before! Oh, maybe I should send up red sparks...? No, that's the cowardly Slytherin thing to do! The only way to prove my manhood is to valiantly take a step and hope that the spell reverses itself! [He takes a step and the world rights itself again, and he is able to escape.] Well that was disappointingly simple.

[After a time, Harry comes upon a Blast-ended Skrewt!]

Harry: Out of my way, abomination!

Skrewt: Oh, come on! I have feelings too you know!

[But Harry catches the Skrewt with a spell and it falls over immobile. In due time, he comes across Krum, who is using the Cruciatus Curse on Cedric!]

Harry: I always knew you were up to no good, you dirty foreigner! Take this! Stupefy!

Krum: What'd I ever do to you? [Falls over]

Cedric: Oh, hello, Harry. Fancy meeting you here.

Harry: So, now that we've immobilized this man, whatever shall we do with him? He'll probably get eaten if he stays here.

Cedric: Well now that he's proven we really can't trust foreigners after all....

Harry: You know what, let's send up the sparks anyway. Just so we look noble.

Cedric: Okey dokey!

[They send up the sparks and continue along.]

Cedric: Anyway, let's go our separate ways now.

Harry: Why ever would we do that?

Cedric: Because we're rivals, remember?

Harry: Oh, right! Say, did you hear Fleur screaming earlier?

Cedric: Come to think of it, yeah. Oh, it was probably Krum's fault.

Harry: Sure.

[The two of them head off in different directions.]

Harry: You know, Krum's willingness to use Unforgivable Curses has sorely tainted my opinion of him. I will never ever in a million years resort to using Unforgivable Curses, as they are so evil and bad and-oh, wait.... Never mind.

[By and by, Harry comes upon a Sphinx.]

Sphinx: So, your big shiny trophy is waiting for you, but you have to solve my riddle first.

Harry: Oh, great. A riddle. Riddles require thinking, and that's so haaaaaaard.

Sphinx: Oh save it!

Harry: Ugh! Well, what is it?

Sphinx: Tell me a creature you would be unwilling to kiss. Here's a clue: to spell its name, give me an alternate name for your least-favorite teacher's job, coupled with a meme that indicates stupidity. Oh, and also, your friend hates them.

Harry: Hey, that's not fair! You're quizzing me about things that won't even be revealed until subsequent books and an internet phenomenon that didn't even exist when this book came out!

Sphinx: Yes, I know, which is why I gave you the last bit, from two books ago.

Harry: Oh! It's a spider!

Sphinx: Yes.

[The sphinx steps aside to reveal a passage, down which Harry spies Cedric and a giant spider!]

Harry: Dammit Cedric, how dare a Hufflepuff like you fight the beastie single-handedly! Come at me, Spidey!

Spider: Fine, I will! [Charges Harry.]

[Harry flings various spells at the spider, but none of them have any effect until Cedric launches his own at the same time.]

Spider: They don't pay me enough. [Faints]

[The Triwizard Cup is right behind them.]

Harry: So that's the cup. Hey Cedric, you want to go and take it?

Cedric: No, I don't think I will.

Harry: But why? It's rightfully yours.

Cedric: Oh, no-you're the one who deserves it. After all, you helped me with the first task and saved a random French girl. And you're the main character. The nicer I am to you the more fondly I'll be regarded for ever after.

Harry: You're seriously willing to throw away the only chance of glory your house will ever stand a chance of getting in this entire book series just to lick my ego?

Cedric: Look, I'm not stupid-the sooner I touch that thing the sooner I get transformed into a sparkly vampire forever.

Harry: What if we take that cup together?

Cedric: Fine-if I'm going down you're going down with me.

[The two boys reach out and grab the cup, and are instantly transported away to God-only-knows-where.]

author: sweettalkeress, abridged: gof, abridged, gof

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