jukebox fuck up hanging round the drugstore
tonight was 90s themed at open mic. it should have been a win. it should have been an intense validation of all of that real shit that came before. instead it was a reminder of everything I intentionally forgot.
I tried. I got super stoked about the chance to play some smashing pumpkins songs because duh. what the fuck else would I do if given the opportunity? I'm not expected to be original for a change. it should have been liberation. it wound up being everything but.
by the time I got up there I had heard a lot of really beautiful performances by very talented and wonderful people playing songs I hate. I lost the vibe, man. got super nervous when I should have felt supremely confident. was shaking pretty bad out of sudden performance anxiety and played kinda bad. when I get like that it really becomes a state of eyes closed and just getting through it.
and I rehearsed like a bitch. I didn't want to fuck up these songs that have been with me since I was fucking 13. they have practically been there for nearly two-thirds of my life. not only am I suddenly realizing that this is insane, but I don't care. they've saved me from a sense of despair more times than I can count, and I love them.
and I just played really bad. it happens, I guess. tonighttonight was not a good start, but I did okay. it wasn't stellar, that's for sure, but I didn't fuck up that bad. my guitar sounded bizarre and twangy, and not in a good way.
I think I killed stumbleine though. and by that I mean that I actually performed it near perfect and it worked. I didn't murder the song in a malicious way. stop the literalism. I think I'll play it again someday.
and so the ultimate failure came down to 1979. see, I got the hairbrained idea to say fuck it and gave it a go. stumbleine just went so well. I got cocky. and really, I did okay on the vocals surprisingly, as that's nice. but I came in two measures late. I just kept playing that intro guitar riff way too long. no excuses. that was dumb. it was jist sloppy as hell as far as guitar goes. like, nobody is gonna remember the kid who killed stumbleine. I'm gonna forever be that dude who completely butchered 1979. it was just awful. I have no idea why I thought I'd be able to play that having not actually played it in several months. dumb dumb dumb. amateur.
totally weird being uncomfortable about covers but not originals. cause when I play those it's not easy, and I'm not perfect, but i am infinitely far more comfortable doing them. I dunno. totally bizarre.
and ultimately meaningless. but ya know.
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