I fucking hate bull shit! Old bull shit!
I hate my father. I used to wish he died or hit me as a child so he'd get kicked out of the house. Why wasn't there child support when I was young? Then my mother could've left him sooner.
I just yelled about new shit and old shit with him and I think the only solution is to completely leave his life. For three years I've barely seen him, and the four years before I only moved home for the summer. Those summers though my mom was still married to him otherwise I doubt I wouldv'e ever seen him. He's demeaning, verbally abusive, and such a pesimistic mother fucker. I just realized that I grew up in an abusive home. He never hit me or my siblings or my mom, but he screamed at us all the time. He treated us like we were stupid and incapable of doing anything right in our life. Then, when we'd call him out on it, he'd start this "I'm always wrong" bit where we would have to defend ourselves and him at the same time by saying "no, that's not what I said." Because we didn't want his words in our mouths, but now I can tell that it is a control thing too. He makes us defend him when we were trying to defend us from him. How fucked up.
I think I just need to get all my stuff out of there and not talkt to him for a year or so. :) That'd be better for my mental health. My problem with this though is that I hate being a bad person. I think I would feel like a bad person if I disowned my father who gave me life, but you know what!?! I would never talk to him if he weren't my father. This means he's a bad person who I would never associate with otherwise. So I think I will say fuck this! I'm leaving.
Hahaha for some reason when I wrote "Fuck this" I thought about when I was at the doctor's today. He gave me an extra shot of novacane, and I asked him why. He told me and then asked "Did you think I just wanted to poke you again?" hahaha I thought "That's what he said." It was so silently funny :)
Yeah! Well I think I'll end on a smile and leave it there even though I wish I could talk about my dreams. Problem is I can't remember them all the way. I just remember gathering grape vine for a fire and something sexy about Chris (my ex) and Meatloaf :)