Friends? *sigh*
So today I had a great cup of joe with a great friend, and we talked about friendship. We talked about amazing friendships and fair-weather friends. And then we talked about how I'm thinking about dropping a friend of 8 years. It's a really rough decision, but I've come to realize that I don't think she's healthy for me.
...
I'm just left debating it. I'm left debating what makes some one a friend and just how much unfriendly behavior makes someone no longer a friend. I've been hurt many times by this girl. I've gone to her during hard times and have been told to "Suck t up!" when I felt lost without a place to call home. I've been called arrogant by her and dismissed as stupid when I stated that I paid $1250 for a class and I wanted to get something out of it since that's a hell of a lot of money (two years of saving to be exact). I've confided in her that I liked someone and she continued to tell me that she wished he didn't like her as she took him home with her. That one stung. And now I watch I watch her date my friend, listen to her complain about him, etc as I go drink with him, trying to help him figure out why she doesn't want him and what he can do to work it out. And I sit there with him, telling him how great he is, how lucky she is, all the time trying to keep them together because he loves her and that what friends do. Friends help friends with their dreams. She told me that she thought it was alright to take him home because she didn't think I really liked him. He just seemed like something else on my "maybe I'll do this in the future" list. That stung. Just because I'm working on making my future a good one and it's taking a damn long time, doesn't mean that my dreams are on some sort of fake list... that they're not real goals... that they'll never come true. God, this is why I struggle being her friend.
I don't feel wanted, cared about, that I'm seen as an equal, etc. I feel like when I have a problem, it's dismissed. I do feel sometimes appreciated, but other times I don't feel like what we do together needs me or just some person. I just feel like I am some BODY for her to be with. I'm a fill in. But there still is something that makes me feel like her friend. We've had great times. We've walked the streets and talked about the crazy adventures of our lives. We've shared good food, good times, secrets, and more. How do I balance how much negativity I can handle? How do I know if this is who she's becoming or if she's just going through something? How can I find out when to call it quits?
Hmmm... I need to think about this a lot more. I just wish we didn't work together. If I could get away from her, then maybe time would smooth things out.