Who we are, can we change, hope and friendship.
There's a lot on my mind now. I just hung out with my friend and her boyfriend. It's been a while, but I don't think much has changed. Not that that's bad, but what happened (well maybe it's a tad bit on the bad side) was that I went over and more people showed up. We had fun, had a fire, I hadn't seen her so I went inside to find out that she was drunk to the waisted point.
It was hard seeing her that way again. It's hard to care for a friend and see that they have a problem. God, she was feeling sick. I don't think she's been taking care of herself. I know it's how she is and that you can't really change people, but I felt bad because she's not ... she's not doing her self justice. She's a good person, I know she is. She doesn't think she is, and her poor boyfriend worries that he's not doing a good job as a boyfriend. He knows she's going to drink how ever much she wants even if he protests. He knows she'll yell at him because 'she knows her limits' but she doesn't. I felt bad telling him this, but that's how she's been for at least 4 years. 4 years of consistency usually is a good sign for how someone's going to be. I worry for her, I worry for him. I know I want to fix it and can't. I also know that he's good for her, but I don't think she's good for him. She's got a lot going on in her past. She can't let go of it nor can she forgive herself for what she sees as faults. She's broken and it's sad because she is such a wonderful person. She said today that she felt as if the people in her life would judge her, leave her, or hurt her. Her boyfriend also worried about people judging him. Was he no good to her because he couldn't stop her from getting so sloshed she couldn't walk? Was he not taking care of the woman he loves? She apologizes for what's not a problem, for who she is.
It makes me hurt, but also wonder how could I, if possible, make someone realize how amazing they are and how they deserve their own forgiveness? I also wonder if I have withheld any forgiveness that I owe myself. I wonder what lies at my center... who I am and always will be. I wonder, empathize, and hope.
I hope something causes her to wake up and see that she can be ok with herself. All I really think I want for my friends is for them to see who they are and be happy with it I would love for them to love themselves unconditionally. She was happy I was there, and I was happy to be there for her and with her. I hope that being a good friend can be enough of what she needs right now to make a difference.
It was hard seeing her that way again. It's hard to care for a friend and see that they have a problem. God, she was feeling sick. I don't think she's been taking care of herself. I know it's how she is and that you can't really change people, but I felt bad because she's not ... she's not doing her self justice. She's a good person, I know she is. She doesn't think she is, and her poor boyfriend worries that he's not doing a good job as a boyfriend. He knows she's going to drink how ever much she wants even if he protests. He knows she'll yell at him because 'she knows her limits' but she doesn't. I felt bad telling him this, but that's how she's been for at least 4 years. 4 years of consistency usually is a good sign for how someone's going to be. I worry for her, I worry for him. I know I want to fix it and can't. I also know that he's good for her, but I don't think she's good for him. She's got a lot going on in her past. She can't let go of it nor can she forgive herself for what she sees as faults. She's broken and it's sad because she is such a wonderful person. She said today that she felt as if the people in her life would judge her, leave her, or hurt her. Her boyfriend also worried about people judging him. Was he no good to her because he couldn't stop her from getting so sloshed she couldn't walk? Was he not taking care of the woman he loves? She apologizes for what's not a problem, for who she is.
It makes me hurt, but also wonder how could I, if possible, make someone realize how amazing they are and how they deserve their own forgiveness? I also wonder if I have withheld any forgiveness that I owe myself. I wonder what lies at my center... who I am and always will be. I wonder, empathize, and hope.
I hope something causes her to wake up and see that she can be ok with herself. All I really think I want for my friends is for them to see who they are and be happy with it I would love for them to love themselves unconditionally. She was happy I was there, and I was happy to be there for her and with her. I hope that being a good friend can be enough of what she needs right now to make a difference.