(no subject)
dear _____,
Have you ever cared about someone so much that you actually just wanted them to be happy? that even if not being with them meant they would be happy, you’re just ok with that? I’m in the shittiest situation I’ve been in for a long time.
Let’s start at the beginning shall we? A long time ago I met a boy that could make you weak in the knees with just saying hello. He is that guy you made up when you were younger, that guy that was ‘perfect’ as far as your life was concerned.. I didn’t see him for a long time after that, now, years later. He waltzes back in and while being a relationship with someone tells me he had liked me for a while now. ‘wrong place, wrong time’…it makes me feel nothing short of uncontrollably ill. The sad part, I’m for the most part ok with all this, I’m happy he is even in my life as a close friends, and that he is loyal to the girl who is lucky enough to have his heart…it just sucks. I know that there are a lot of guys out there, and I’m sure I could find someone who would understand me, laugh with me, and even love me…but there is just something about him. It’s like that splinter in your hand that you can’t find, but you can feel it. Pricking away at you, constantly reminding you it’s there but with no relief to the incessant pain it’s causing. There is no hope in this for me, but yet I still feel like he is worth the wait.
If I were left waiting for years and he finally decided it was the right place and the right time, I’d rather be single and open then taken and torn.
They just don’t make people like him anymore. He is that whole package of what a person should be. Smart, funny, caring, and gorgeous. I wish I could explain how seeing him even makes me feel. Not that this does the feelings any justice, but it’s sort of like getting to the top of a hill of that roller coaster. You feel sick, happy, excited, and completely scared…yet you’re still just smiling. I’m so stuck on how to feel, what to do, and how to act. We’re open enough about the subject but I don’t think he understands that I would literally do anything in my power to make him the happiest guy on earth. Whatever he wanted, I’d find. He could tell me to jump and I would. It’s like a bad movie and I just wish I could push stop. I’ve contemplated leaving the friendship behind, cutting my losses and moving on from this whole endeavor but I can’t even stomach that. I’ve always been so good with just walking away, now, I don’t know what I’m good at. I haven’t let myself be so strung up on a boy before. At the end of the day, I feel empty.
I fill everything in my life with work and school, my friends and family…then this guy walks in, and pow! Nothing feels as fun as seeing him, every time I get a text I hold my breath and hope. Why am I this pathetic? He is a guy, a guy I think I know pretty well, and with that being said I know he won’t budge. I don’t even know if I want him to! If he is happy where he is right now I don’t even want to jeopardize that. When I go to the gym I find myself running that last mile thinking of him, studying for that extra hour to be that much closer to perfect… what happened to me? I used to be so strong, so diligent for just myself. Is it truly possible for one person to make me feel all these convoluted feelings? One person, one boy…make me feel so blind, deaf and dumb? I feel too many things to even make a decision about any of this, but I just need to know. Why am I not worth leaving someone for? What makes her better? will time make that change in his eyes? Should I even wait? That’s so pathetic, to wait and hope when there is no hope…but somehow I’m still happier waiting then I think I would be in someone else’s arms.
Sometimes, I sit on my porch. It’s kind of my thinking spot. Rain or shine I know I make 98% of my decisions there. I sit out there and drink my tea, eat my grapefruit, and look up at the sky..i always end up wondering if he is looking up at the same sky, and if he is, is he thinking about me while I think about him?
Have you ever cared about someone so much that you actually just wanted them to be happy? that even if not being with them meant they would be happy, you’re just ok with that? I’m in the shittiest situation I’ve been in for a long time.
Let’s start at the beginning shall we? A long time ago I met a boy that could make you weak in the knees with just saying hello. He is that guy you made up when you were younger, that guy that was ‘perfect’ as far as your life was concerned.. I didn’t see him for a long time after that, now, years later. He waltzes back in and while being a relationship with someone tells me he had liked me for a while now. ‘wrong place, wrong time’…it makes me feel nothing short of uncontrollably ill. The sad part, I’m for the most part ok with all this, I’m happy he is even in my life as a close friends, and that he is loyal to the girl who is lucky enough to have his heart…it just sucks. I know that there are a lot of guys out there, and I’m sure I could find someone who would understand me, laugh with me, and even love me…but there is just something about him. It’s like that splinter in your hand that you can’t find, but you can feel it. Pricking away at you, constantly reminding you it’s there but with no relief to the incessant pain it’s causing. There is no hope in this for me, but yet I still feel like he is worth the wait.
If I were left waiting for years and he finally decided it was the right place and the right time, I’d rather be single and open then taken and torn.
They just don’t make people like him anymore. He is that whole package of what a person should be. Smart, funny, caring, and gorgeous. I wish I could explain how seeing him even makes me feel. Not that this does the feelings any justice, but it’s sort of like getting to the top of a hill of that roller coaster. You feel sick, happy, excited, and completely scared…yet you’re still just smiling. I’m so stuck on how to feel, what to do, and how to act. We’re open enough about the subject but I don’t think he understands that I would literally do anything in my power to make him the happiest guy on earth. Whatever he wanted, I’d find. He could tell me to jump and I would. It’s like a bad movie and I just wish I could push stop. I’ve contemplated leaving the friendship behind, cutting my losses and moving on from this whole endeavor but I can’t even stomach that. I’ve always been so good with just walking away, now, I don’t know what I’m good at. I haven’t let myself be so strung up on a boy before. At the end of the day, I feel empty.
I fill everything in my life with work and school, my friends and family…then this guy walks in, and pow! Nothing feels as fun as seeing him, every time I get a text I hold my breath and hope. Why am I this pathetic? He is a guy, a guy I think I know pretty well, and with that being said I know he won’t budge. I don’t even know if I want him to! If he is happy where he is right now I don’t even want to jeopardize that. When I go to the gym I find myself running that last mile thinking of him, studying for that extra hour to be that much closer to perfect… what happened to me? I used to be so strong, so diligent for just myself. Is it truly possible for one person to make me feel all these convoluted feelings? One person, one boy…make me feel so blind, deaf and dumb? I feel too many things to even make a decision about any of this, but I just need to know. Why am I not worth leaving someone for? What makes her better? will time make that change in his eyes? Should I even wait? That’s so pathetic, to wait and hope when there is no hope…but somehow I’m still happier waiting then I think I would be in someone else’s arms.
Sometimes, I sit on my porch. It’s kind of my thinking spot. Rain or shine I know I make 98% of my decisions there. I sit out there and drink my tea, eat my grapefruit, and look up at the sky..i always end up wondering if he is looking up at the same sky, and if he is, is he thinking about me while I think about him?