Aug 12, 2005 04:39
YOU (yes, *you*!) are a naughty, naughty girl. I like that. :)
Regardless of the highly enjoyable experience tonight, I have a hell of a decision on my hands, and not a lot of time to make it - Kansas City or Denver. The way I see it, I have a lot of reasons to go to KC. But only one reason to go to Denver (actually, I have *two* good reasons to go to Denver - They're real... and they're spectacular! ;) ). But what a reason! I've said it before, and I'll said it again - she is, no bullshit, the most beautiful woman I've ever known in real life. And even in my dreams, I measure all others entirely by her. Sadly, she doesn't believe in how hot she is. Fortunately for me, she puts a very impressive effort into convincing me of what I already know... and she knows that too, but keeps doing it anyway. Sometimes it's fun being me. :)
In any case, I have some serious thinking to do. Do I take the usual route I've always taken and continue to do things for a friend before I consider myself and my needs (although it's not hard when you know the person actually appreciates it like she does), or do I put myself first for a change and take the path I had planned, which is arguably the safer path anyway? The other side of that is she's also helping me out too as it's a place to live, a close friend to be with, and some help getting settled in a new place, which is always good to have. If I go to Denver, I'm starting from Square One in every way... except her. I wonder about the "What Ifs..." as they play out every possible permutation I can imagine in my mind's eye (And unfortunately, I can imagine a *LOT*). What I've learned in time is that it's the hope that makes you vulnerable and it's the hope that eventually kills you. The shitty part of that is that you can never say "In the end, it'll all work out just fine" because in the end, you're looking at *THE END*, and then it's all over and there ain't no second chances. Maybe if things were different.... But I know one thing - having someone you love beside you (however the relationship, be it the best of friends or something more intimate) is more valuable than anything money can buy.
She said she knew it was selfish of her to want me there just for her benefit as much as she does, and yeah, maybe it is a little. But not bad-selfish, that's for sure. I'm equally selfish too. I want her to come to Kansas City so I can show her everything I know there that I know would make her so happy. I really have a lot of very unique connections there that can help her achieve at least *some* of her dreams. I *KNOW* I could make this happen, if she gave it a shot. And it would make me the happiest guy in the world to be able to give her that, no matter how we see each other. But regardless of whatever she decided, I love her as it stands now with each other now because even though, as she put it tonight, she screwed me once, she knows what she did, she's not ashamed to say it, she regrets it, she apologized, and most importantly, she loves me enough to show me how much she means it every time she looks at me in such a way that I truly believe her. That's something that most of those who have broken my heart and my trust in the last few years will probably never do... and I'm not sure I'd ever believe them if they tried.
The amazing thing about the girl in question though is that I love her enough that I don't even *care* if she never felt the way I wish she would about me, as long as she never stops feeling the way I know she does about me right now. Because that in itself is pretty fucking awesome. I know you're probably crying "BULLSHIT! You said 'almost'!", I mean it. For her to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she can trust me implicitly above all others, and more to the point, that she lets me know in no uncertain terms that she believes that with all her heart... that's a gift of faith and love that I do not and would never take lightly. Those others just never got that about me. There's only been two other women in my life I've ever felt really understood me and what the nature of love, of trust, and of true friendship (regardless of the nature of the relationship) meant to me... and *APPRECIATED* it. One I was engaged to. The other... well, it was complicated, and it never grew fully into what I hoped for for several complicated reasons. But I never stopped loving her anyway because she never once made me feel like she didn't appreciate the person I am.
(*whew*) Lookit me, I'm SuperCrazyFunTime Emo-Man!!! (*swishes black cape*)
Now if only she'd join me in Kansas City....
(*final remaining burst of hyper-Emo-ness sputters out*)
Ok, time to Irish back up. I'll offer this one last bit of advice for the evening to a very special group of women I've known in my life (And it's something I should've been a hell of a lot clearer about right from the start): If some of you bitches would just wise the fuck up and realize that you don't *HAVE* to be with these guys who treat you like shit (There are no various degrees here. Once is a mistake. Twice is a fuck-up. Anything beyond that, you're just fucking stupid, mmm'kay?), and that there's someone who loves you enough to make it their very purpose in life to making you happy *ALL THE TIME* just because that makes *THEM* happy too... and *MAYBE* if you got your head out of your collective asses and realized that that could be a very good thing and worth taking a chance on if you'd just fucking *PAY ATTENTION* to the guy who *obviously* cares about you and fucking *appreciate* it for a change - and by that, I don't mean give them a pity fuck, for christ's sake. I mean actually *SHOW* them you appreciate how much they clearly give a shit about *you* instead of taking it for granted or actually taking advantage of it and breaking their heart for your own fucking amusement or because you were told to and don't have the guts to think for yourself - then everything would be *SO* much cooler for everybody all 'round. And if you don't think this applies to *you*, then you're *EXACTLY* who I'm talking to here. And if you think I'm *probably* talking about you here, you're fucking right - I *AM*.
Figure that shit out and get back to me. You know where I live.
Until next time, go fuck yerselves very gently into that good night, kids. I'm out.
P.S. & BTW... if anyone tells that idiot Jassa that I used his word, I'll kill you... twice. :) It's *STILL* stupid.