3am ramblings.
Day 7708:
Once again I'm struck with the desire to say something but not the words.
I kind of wish the internet didn't exist. The tv too. I'm realizing recently that all I use the internet for is listening to music. And I'll get into some crazy mode where I want to read every Bob Dylan lyric, or download every Bright Eyes song recorded. And listen to them all. It's good, obsessive compulsive fun, but it also leaves me staring at this screen for seriously like 8 hours straight.
But what else am I going to do? Go to school? lolz.
I guess I really need to get a real job. Where I can get sick and quit in a month. And then be unemployed for another month and cycle through my depressions until I get another real job. Which I will quit in a month...see the pattern here?
Everything is cyclical, to my dismay. I really wish they would be more linear. And ascend. That would be faboulous.
The saddest thing, I think, is the waiting to die. Not wanting, mind you. But waiting. Like waiting for a bus. Polite and somewhat impatient. Hands folded, don't make a scene, maybe smoke a cigarette. Then get on. That's when the ride starts.
But it's not. Why are we just waiting for death when we don't believe in an afterlife? Are we that hopeless, you and I? We are idealistic, and we're not the only ones, thank god (sic).
I'm not sure where to go next or what to do. But I'm up for anything new because all the old stuff hasn't worked.
Once again I'm struck with the desire to say something but not the words.
I kind of wish the internet didn't exist. The tv too. I'm realizing recently that all I use the internet for is listening to music. And I'll get into some crazy mode where I want to read every Bob Dylan lyric, or download every Bright Eyes song recorded. And listen to them all. It's good, obsessive compulsive fun, but it also leaves me staring at this screen for seriously like 8 hours straight.
But what else am I going to do? Go to school? lolz.
I guess I really need to get a real job. Where I can get sick and quit in a month. And then be unemployed for another month and cycle through my depressions until I get another real job. Which I will quit in a month...see the pattern here?
Everything is cyclical, to my dismay. I really wish they would be more linear. And ascend. That would be faboulous.
The saddest thing, I think, is the waiting to die. Not wanting, mind you. But waiting. Like waiting for a bus. Polite and somewhat impatient. Hands folded, don't make a scene, maybe smoke a cigarette. Then get on. That's when the ride starts.
But it's not. Why are we just waiting for death when we don't believe in an afterlife? Are we that hopeless, you and I? We are idealistic, and we're not the only ones, thank god (sic).
I'm not sure where to go next or what to do. But I'm up for anything new because all the old stuff hasn't worked.