drinking
is it wrong that at 1250 pm im drinking already? not a lot just one drink. and mostly to get that nice soft hazy feeling so i can fall asleep. and then be up all night right?
i just feel crappy and depressed today. but like something is going to happen? I don't know if that makes much sense? but i feel like something big is on the horizon or a change is coming soon. very soon. I don't know if it will be positive or negative but I feel it in my bones.
I talked to emrys for a bit today and for a bit I mean like five minutes. and by talked i mean he was completely disinterested in me as usual. it just made me sad. and i really want to see him. hes so close. but i can't like make him come here even though (before our "big" fight when we were actually talking a lot and before i supposedly said I hated talking to him cause u know I usually do that) he supposedly said he def was before all this and before he left chicago. I feel like I've ruined something in our friendship? like i lost his trust or something? Or maybe its just me? And maybe I was just too emotional for him to begin with. I sort of on a small level understand what he's going through and the last thing he needs right now I get is me trying to be all friendly and let me hug you, give you a band aid and send you on your way .(Yes I understand I can't fix him or any of you the urge however will always be with me). I'd say I'm maternal but I hate kids. I just really feel that way about my grown up friends. and family. and random people I don't know. How can I care about someone so completely who I BARELY know? I think its because somewhere I SEE so much of myself in him. I wish he thought well of me at least or really thought of me at all.
I'm lonely, and I'm sad and I'm anxious. I'm also stronger in some unexpected way. I feel like pre medication and pre shawna I really would have ended up in the hospital. Now I just spend all my days in bed and now the drinking which has not been excessive but I am not pleased with-however I have nothing else to do. And it reminds me of my college days when I'd skip class, get some dvds and sometimes a friend sometimes just myself, and I'd drink (because drinking before noon is New Orleans while in college at least in my experience is practically mandatory) . This is like my third attempt at drinking. As I said in my previous entries it sort of makes me feel hazy and stoned. I feel guilty that I like that feeling so much but its kind of awesome and it makes me feel less lonely and sad and anxious just sort of like in the moment.
omg law and order SVU is on AGAIN. Do you know how many episodes I've watched of that show? Mostly because after marathoning my brain loses concentration and I just have the tv on. I finished once upon a time in wonderland. I sort of love it. For it badness, for the random British dude who has to say bloody hell!all the time, for Alice's bad assary, for the ridiculous fairy tale crossovers and for naveen andrews. There is a new episode perhaps today ? I'm not sure. I missed american horror story. And I need to catch up on Dracula but I am too sexually frustrated to watch both JRM and OJc TOGETHER. Oliver Jackson Cohen has some serious hair porn. Why do attractive british men all have excellent accents, three names, and awesome hair? Also why am I not british? I WILL get to london someday I swear it. My life dream is to ride on the London Eye. Sad. but true. I realize its mundane. Also to stay in castle somewhere in the UK even for just one night or at least tour it. I doubt this will happen.
My short term dream is to lose weight, return to Nola, loan mess straightened, medication and self in tact, and become that vibrant version of myself that I can at least feel grasping at me under all this bullshit and pressure. I want to be bright again. I FEEL like I can do that (lots of work ahead obvs) but I KNOW I can be. I can be luminescent. I can have lots of friends and find someone who appreciates me in a sexual way. It's in my grasp I can see it over mountains and hills and rivers and dams and houses and treetops and rough terrain miles and miles of it. But it's there. waiting for me. I'm going to be a late bloomer. It's okay. Or should I say rebloomer because I bloomed once I can bloom again no matter how fucking old I AM. There is someone and something waiting for me there. I don't think I could have ever said that before. And I don't know how I' saying that now mess that I am. but again there isSOMETHING grasping in me , something that has always been grasping in me for that life that I want. It's there. I need to take it. It won't happen without work and without more pills I'm sure. But goddamned at least the neurotin has given me some sense of strength and Shawna has given me some sense of hope. I say this to her all the time,which prob makes me a giant weirdo, but I don't know if I can ever thank her properly for how she helped me. Or really how you guys have helped me merely by being around. By listening to my giant record player stay on repeat.
Love and hugs, Jacqueline , mental patient, failure, future re-bloomer,and hopeless romantic
i just feel crappy and depressed today. but like something is going to happen? I don't know if that makes much sense? but i feel like something big is on the horizon or a change is coming soon. very soon. I don't know if it will be positive or negative but I feel it in my bones.
I talked to emrys for a bit today and for a bit I mean like five minutes. and by talked i mean he was completely disinterested in me as usual. it just made me sad. and i really want to see him. hes so close. but i can't like make him come here even though (before our "big" fight when we were actually talking a lot and before i supposedly said I hated talking to him cause u know I usually do that) he supposedly said he def was before all this and before he left chicago. I feel like I've ruined something in our friendship? like i lost his trust or something? Or maybe its just me? And maybe I was just too emotional for him to begin with. I sort of on a small level understand what he's going through and the last thing he needs right now I get is me trying to be all friendly and let me hug you, give you a band aid and send you on your way .(Yes I understand I can't fix him or any of you the urge however will always be with me). I'd say I'm maternal but I hate kids. I just really feel that way about my grown up friends. and family. and random people I don't know. How can I care about someone so completely who I BARELY know? I think its because somewhere I SEE so much of myself in him. I wish he thought well of me at least or really thought of me at all.
I'm lonely, and I'm sad and I'm anxious. I'm also stronger in some unexpected way. I feel like pre medication and pre shawna I really would have ended up in the hospital. Now I just spend all my days in bed and now the drinking which has not been excessive but I am not pleased with-however I have nothing else to do. And it reminds me of my college days when I'd skip class, get some dvds and sometimes a friend sometimes just myself, and I'd drink (because drinking before noon is New Orleans while in college at least in my experience is practically mandatory) . This is like my third attempt at drinking. As I said in my previous entries it sort of makes me feel hazy and stoned. I feel guilty that I like that feeling so much but its kind of awesome and it makes me feel less lonely and sad and anxious just sort of like in the moment.
omg law and order SVU is on AGAIN. Do you know how many episodes I've watched of that show? Mostly because after marathoning my brain loses concentration and I just have the tv on. I finished once upon a time in wonderland. I sort of love it. For it badness, for the random British dude who has to say bloody hell!all the time, for Alice's bad assary, for the ridiculous fairy tale crossovers and for naveen andrews. There is a new episode perhaps today ? I'm not sure. I missed american horror story. And I need to catch up on Dracula but I am too sexually frustrated to watch both JRM and OJc TOGETHER. Oliver Jackson Cohen has some serious hair porn. Why do attractive british men all have excellent accents, three names, and awesome hair? Also why am I not british? I WILL get to london someday I swear it. My life dream is to ride on the London Eye. Sad. but true. I realize its mundane. Also to stay in castle somewhere in the UK even for just one night or at least tour it. I doubt this will happen.
My short term dream is to lose weight, return to Nola, loan mess straightened, medication and self in tact, and become that vibrant version of myself that I can at least feel grasping at me under all this bullshit and pressure. I want to be bright again. I FEEL like I can do that (lots of work ahead obvs) but I KNOW I can be. I can be luminescent. I can have lots of friends and find someone who appreciates me in a sexual way. It's in my grasp I can see it over mountains and hills and rivers and dams and houses and treetops and rough terrain miles and miles of it. But it's there. waiting for me. I'm going to be a late bloomer. It's okay. Or should I say rebloomer because I bloomed once I can bloom again no matter how fucking old I AM. There is someone and something waiting for me there. I don't think I could have ever said that before. And I don't know how I' saying that now mess that I am. but again there isSOMETHING grasping in me , something that has always been grasping in me for that life that I want. It's there. I need to take it. It won't happen without work and without more pills I'm sure. But goddamned at least the neurotin has given me some sense of strength and Shawna has given me some sense of hope. I say this to her all the time,which prob makes me a giant weirdo, but I don't know if I can ever thank her properly for how she helped me. Or really how you guys have helped me merely by being around. By listening to my giant record player stay on repeat.
Love and hugs, Jacqueline , mental patient, failure, future re-bloomer,and hopeless romantic