im alive i suppose
im awake again. probably because i spent most of my day sleeping and watching tv. seriously. I left my bed like twice to sit in the living room and watch stuff on my computer cause all my shit is in here. which reminds me i need to cancel cable but im not going to UNLESS I don't get that other job but we shall see. this month is taken care of one step at a time
I finished the first half of the walking dead. It was good and sort of depressing so I enjoyed it because it matched my mood. I also caught up on Elementary and The Big Bang Theory randomly, And I watched some pbs british piece called Mr. Selfridge which I enjoyed immensely despite the fact jeremey pivens was in it and he generally annoys me. however it did have a good story and oliver jackson cohen my new crush was in it briefly. He is also on Dracula as Jonathan Harker but not nearly as sparkling. Then again I have to catch up on that show which shall be my goal for tomorrow. I also started watching once upon a time in wonderland which I am enjoying because I love Alice in Wonderland in all its bastardized forms. Also randomly that werewolf dude that took over the younger one? from the british being human is on it as is naveen Andrews from lost but with some really bad hair. it's cracky and about "true love" between alice and a genie she meets in wonderland. the thing of it that makes it stomachable is that Alice is KICK ASS. She's the one saving him and the being human dude and the rabbit and everyone. She sword fights and does general bad assary. O and she was plucked from a mental institution (how i love those) because who believes her? right? It is likely going to be canceled which makes me wonder how invested I should become. But it is pure crack. And i like watching pretty people and outlandish stories and again anything Alice so I suppose I must catch up on that tomorrow as well. I'm already on episode four and there are only seven out. like most shows it doesn't pick up again until January or February mid season breaks gotta love em. I have completely despaired of Ravenswood. I thought about watching it and may if I get desperate but really the more I think about it that show pisses me off. Don't get me wrong I LOVE caleb. but COME ON. Anyways there are more shows I want to write about but mostly I'm just feeling depressed and sad and trapped and unable to move which is true. I'm waiting on hearing everything. I don't have much hope for the job or really for the benefits. At least if I knew negative both ways Icould start planning but alas the other shoe has STILL not dropped. goddamn.. and its driving me crazy.
I feel like my medicine stopped working Monday and today. Like maybe all that goodness was a placebo effect which is possible. Then again I could just be cracking under the stress or it is my period which I haven't had for like three months and now all of a sudden yay! (TMI I know but there it is) I need to go grocery shopping again. I AM out of apples which is a tragedy and fresh fruit and anything I might not have to cook. I do not want to go outside however. The thought of cleaning off my car, getting somewhere without getting into an accident and then going into a store is insanely overwelming. Much as calling Nulton's is. I feel the catatonia approaching again ad the utter weight of everything crushing me. It's too much for medications or my placebo. I may have started out this as sort of CAN DO bad ass but I can't get that feeling back again. Now I'm just scared all the time and upset. The cuts on my arms are healing but my heart and head are breaking further and further apart. I used to think I'd love being at home all the time and I probably would if it wasn't under these conditions. It's been like two weeks? three? And I feel like I'm climbing the walls. I'm trapped by lack of money, lack of motivation, fear, anxiety, depression and the overwhelming feeling of being a complete failure so why try?The only reason I'm still eating a little healthier is because I am craving fruit actually and am really pisesd I don't have anything good right now. I wish I could crave vegetables the same way but I find them mostly boring unless dipped in something like hummus (which is okay) or ranch dressing (which is not but more craveable i have managed to avoid this so far but who knows)
I tried drinking today again and I got a pleasant buzz from one glass of cotton candy vodka. It was my intention to drink all day like I did the other day to assuage my fears and make me feel gooood.For some reason the neurotin and vodka make a nice haze for me. I know I shouldn't be drinking with them but it's been twice now and I'm okay I didn't get drunk either time It was more like being stoned which I enjoyed immensly. Although today for some reason (perhaps because I'd had only apples for breakfast? or perhaps because my period fucks up my body chemistry like mad ) after the one drink i felt stoned and dizzy and sleepy so I slept I will probably not drink tomorrow although I'd like to because the amount of tylenol for intense period pain and the neurotin and the klonopin prob should not be combined with alcohol so I will take a break. Of course this happens when I need my period like I need a fucking hole in the head. SURE bring it on more pain and misery like I guess it doesn't matter but it still pisses me off.
well wish me luck that I am able to leave the house tomorrow weather and people concerns be damned. i however am not optimistic especially as it already 230 in the morning and I am not sleepy just anxious. and bored. and hungry (i could go get hummus but i hate that damned garlic taste in my mouth before I sleep) and I don't have any fucking fruit besides really bitter horrible blackberries. sigh. I should cake bake tomorrow it would give me something to do but to do that I need to buy more shit(dont wanna spend more money then i have to) and Also I would have it there tempting me to eat it. And the way I feel I'd prob want to eat the whole goddamned thing. Sometimes after eating fruit so much carbs and sugar taste like HEAVEN to me I wish they didn't/ Aren't you supposed to stop craving those things after awhile? I mean I do have cravings for fruit madly (which is good and I'm trying to make that a variety altho I know you can't live on fruit) but jesus am I always going to want horrible junky food like carbs? and artificial sweets? I'm not drinking soda again except here and there. I allowed a there tonight with actual garlic bread crescent rolls and tortellini and it was like heaven. Shouldn't my body be like no where is your healthy shit? I did eat my last apple about four hours ago or something? But I just want my body to crave healthy shit for once. and not make every other goddamned thing taste SO GOOD in comparison.
ENOUGH! ramblings are over. sorry for the bullshit. there is more tv/movie stuff i must share I'm sure and more food rambling and job and money angst. enough of all this to fill several cities I'm sure but I tire of this. good nite and good luck. <3 j
ps altho my cord is not broken it is well on its way to snapping again. and my computer(my three month old poor poor choice computer keeps freezin and doing weird shit. o joy~ fuck you best buy.
I finished the first half of the walking dead. It was good and sort of depressing so I enjoyed it because it matched my mood. I also caught up on Elementary and The Big Bang Theory randomly, And I watched some pbs british piece called Mr. Selfridge which I enjoyed immensely despite the fact jeremey pivens was in it and he generally annoys me. however it did have a good story and oliver jackson cohen my new crush was in it briefly. He is also on Dracula as Jonathan Harker but not nearly as sparkling. Then again I have to catch up on that show which shall be my goal for tomorrow. I also started watching once upon a time in wonderland which I am enjoying because I love Alice in Wonderland in all its bastardized forms. Also randomly that werewolf dude that took over the younger one? from the british being human is on it as is naveen Andrews from lost but with some really bad hair. it's cracky and about "true love" between alice and a genie she meets in wonderland. the thing of it that makes it stomachable is that Alice is KICK ASS. She's the one saving him and the being human dude and the rabbit and everyone. She sword fights and does general bad assary. O and she was plucked from a mental institution (how i love those) because who believes her? right? It is likely going to be canceled which makes me wonder how invested I should become. But it is pure crack. And i like watching pretty people and outlandish stories and again anything Alice so I suppose I must catch up on that tomorrow as well. I'm already on episode four and there are only seven out. like most shows it doesn't pick up again until January or February mid season breaks gotta love em. I have completely despaired of Ravenswood. I thought about watching it and may if I get desperate but really the more I think about it that show pisses me off. Don't get me wrong I LOVE caleb. but COME ON. Anyways there are more shows I want to write about but mostly I'm just feeling depressed and sad and trapped and unable to move which is true. I'm waiting on hearing everything. I don't have much hope for the job or really for the benefits. At least if I knew negative both ways Icould start planning but alas the other shoe has STILL not dropped. goddamn.. and its driving me crazy.
I feel like my medicine stopped working Monday and today. Like maybe all that goodness was a placebo effect which is possible. Then again I could just be cracking under the stress or it is my period which I haven't had for like three months and now all of a sudden yay! (TMI I know but there it is) I need to go grocery shopping again. I AM out of apples which is a tragedy and fresh fruit and anything I might not have to cook. I do not want to go outside however. The thought of cleaning off my car, getting somewhere without getting into an accident and then going into a store is insanely overwelming. Much as calling Nulton's is. I feel the catatonia approaching again ad the utter weight of everything crushing me. It's too much for medications or my placebo. I may have started out this as sort of CAN DO bad ass but I can't get that feeling back again. Now I'm just scared all the time and upset. The cuts on my arms are healing but my heart and head are breaking further and further apart. I used to think I'd love being at home all the time and I probably would if it wasn't under these conditions. It's been like two weeks? three? And I feel like I'm climbing the walls. I'm trapped by lack of money, lack of motivation, fear, anxiety, depression and the overwhelming feeling of being a complete failure so why try?The only reason I'm still eating a little healthier is because I am craving fruit actually and am really pisesd I don't have anything good right now. I wish I could crave vegetables the same way but I find them mostly boring unless dipped in something like hummus (which is okay) or ranch dressing (which is not but more craveable i have managed to avoid this so far but who knows)
I tried drinking today again and I got a pleasant buzz from one glass of cotton candy vodka. It was my intention to drink all day like I did the other day to assuage my fears and make me feel gooood.For some reason the neurotin and vodka make a nice haze for me. I know I shouldn't be drinking with them but it's been twice now and I'm okay I didn't get drunk either time It was more like being stoned which I enjoyed immensly. Although today for some reason (perhaps because I'd had only apples for breakfast? or perhaps because my period fucks up my body chemistry like mad ) after the one drink i felt stoned and dizzy and sleepy so I slept I will probably not drink tomorrow although I'd like to because the amount of tylenol for intense period pain and the neurotin and the klonopin prob should not be combined with alcohol so I will take a break. Of course this happens when I need my period like I need a fucking hole in the head. SURE bring it on more pain and misery like I guess it doesn't matter but it still pisses me off.
well wish me luck that I am able to leave the house tomorrow weather and people concerns be damned. i however am not optimistic especially as it already 230 in the morning and I am not sleepy just anxious. and bored. and hungry (i could go get hummus but i hate that damned garlic taste in my mouth before I sleep) and I don't have any fucking fruit besides really bitter horrible blackberries. sigh. I should cake bake tomorrow it would give me something to do but to do that I need to buy more shit(dont wanna spend more money then i have to) and Also I would have it there tempting me to eat it. And the way I feel I'd prob want to eat the whole goddamned thing. Sometimes after eating fruit so much carbs and sugar taste like HEAVEN to me I wish they didn't/ Aren't you supposed to stop craving those things after awhile? I mean I do have cravings for fruit madly (which is good and I'm trying to make that a variety altho I know you can't live on fruit) but jesus am I always going to want horrible junky food like carbs? and artificial sweets? I'm not drinking soda again except here and there. I allowed a there tonight with actual garlic bread crescent rolls and tortellini and it was like heaven. Shouldn't my body be like no where is your healthy shit? I did eat my last apple about four hours ago or something? But I just want my body to crave healthy shit for once. and not make every other goddamned thing taste SO GOOD in comparison.
ENOUGH! ramblings are over. sorry for the bullshit. there is more tv/movie stuff i must share I'm sure and more food rambling and job and money angst. enough of all this to fill several cities I'm sure but I tire of this. good nite and good luck. <3 j
ps altho my cord is not broken it is well on its way to snapping again. and my computer(my three month old poor poor choice computer keeps freezin and doing weird shit. o joy~ fuck you best buy.