I'm not turning emo I swear
I could never be emo mainly for the reason that I have zero desire to hurt myself physically, listen to crappy music, and I plain just don't have the hair for it. No, I guess it's about that time of the year where I post a woe is me writing. I am honestly going to attempt to not sound like I screaming WHAT ABOUT ME?! WHAT ABOUT RAVEN?!
It's about the time where I make a post of going, why not me, everyone else is happy, everyone else has found someone, why not me when everyone says I'm such a great guy. I've made that post plenty of times over the years and for the last year or two I've been pretty good about not posting it. I've managed to keep myself happy one way or another, even if I was single and celibate. I've grown to be happy with who I am and I believe that is more important then what car you drive, your bank account, or who you know.
I've attempted to live life with the Bene Gesserit mantra with me, Fear is the mind killer and all that. The good news is it is not that I fear being alone like I once did. Growing up my greatest fear, and probably still is it just doesn't control me anymore, was growing old alone. Perhaps that is why at a young age I connect with James T Kirk cause I believed as he did, that I would die alone.
I do believe I know where all of these feelings as of late have been coming from, weddings. I attended three weddings prior to this year, two when I was little to not care and one where I was afraid that the rere with the banjo was going to make an appearance. In the last month I have attended two and have one more in a few weeks. Thus thrusting upon me the important message of you must have someone to be happy. I know this is not true but I would be lying if I said it wasn't a lil bit depressing going to these weddings and being one of the only single people there.
Perhaps we all just have these clocks imbedded into us that tell us when we should be doing certain things that society expects of us. Course it could stem from a long running thing in my life that I've had since I was younger. When I was a child all I wanted was to coach football, have a wife, kids, and live a happy life. Now I know life sucks and I need to wear a fucking helmet, but I believe the weddings have merely brought that back in me.
I've been in love love three times in my life. When I say love love I mean the kind of love where you would gladly spend the rest of your life with that person. I've been in love more then those times but it wasn't a forever kind of love and now I'm sounding like some 80's power ballad. The first one; well that was no one's fault but the fates. The second is the bitch we do not speak of, actually we can I don't really care anymore about Beth. I no longer let the fear of her run my life like she did for so many years. That situation was no one's fault but my own and I can readily admit that. The third was merely the circumstances at the moment did not allow it to happen, shit happens ya know.
Now I look at my current "love life" and boy, is that convoluted and complicated. Three people and we shall describe them as Shouldn't, Won't and Doubtful.
Shouldn't is a great person, a truly beautiful soul who would treat me like a king. Sounds great, many people are all for it, but honestly the problem is me. I know deep down I'm not the person who should be with her as I will probably end up breaking her heart cause I'm an idiot like that. Yes, there are reasons why I probably would break her heart; I just know that I am the wrong person for her. I know certain people will disagree with me on it, but I don't want to hurt her, that's how beautiful she is.
Won't, someone that flirting and some kissing have been going on since last year. Well, one kissing incident until this season at least. Personally, I think things could be great with her, maybe even surpass some things I've had in the past. But as is always the case with my luck, there's catch but then again there always is. It comes in the form of a boyfriend, who currently isn't in the country at the moment. Yes, I've been good, I haven't done anything carnal with the lady, and our self restraint has been on the level of gods one might say. I know she has to figure things our within her, like is this only because she's lonely and needs SOMETHING or is it more then that. Well, I know my luck in matters of whatever and thus it tells me that it is only time until she decides on he who is not here, and I can't blame her for that.
Doubtful, god what is it now nine years and counting? Actually this month will mark the nine year anniversary of the last time I actually saw her. She would be the first love I mentioned before. So why do I say doubtful, cause I learn from history. So many times it seemed like this was going to be it, that all the obstacles were going to fall away and just maybe the fates would give us another shot, only to be tripped up by some bullshit or another. Part of me is tired of feeling like a bloody yo-yo, part of me wonders if I only stay around because it's that hope beyond hope, and the other part wonders if I'm nothing more then a glutton for punishment.
So yes, I feel lost a bit. All my life I've felt alone, this I know. That line from Titanic the whole being in a crowded room with people screaming at the top of my lungs and no one hears, I've felt like that the majority of my life. Now I usually just attribute this to being so different from everyone else. The possibility of having to do things in the future if anything comes about (Jase and Judith know what I'm talking about) it comes with the territory I suppose. Maybe that's why I actually enjoy Superman, in a world full of people who love him but at the same time he's all alone. In many ways my room is my fortress of solitude, actually that would be a cool way to decorate my room, I wonder how I could do that.
At any rate, yes, I feel lost in matters of the heart. I'm not out there searching, I know they say just be patient and wait. Well, I've waited, I've been patient. I've seen my friends, my brothers, find two women who complete them so much it's scary. Even if one is trying to deny it and the other almost knows, it's a great feeling for me to see those two happy. I never EVER would have thought that about the one, no one could of predicting him settling down like he has, down right shocking.
You may wonder why I put a picture of Cyclops up, well in my mind's eye that's how I look to myself when I feel like this. Yeah, I know I don't have that much hair, I could only wish, but I think you can see that look in his face. Which is why don't be surprised if I become something of a hermit in the coming weeks, months, who knows how long. Yeah, I know it solves nothing, but it also gives me no reminders of what I don't have either. I can do what I said I would do, concentrate on my body and nutrition. I can expand my knowledge with reading which really translates into my beer money could buy an X-Box 360. I just may need to get away from everything for awhile.
Now for one person reading this who may be wondering, yes, HE tried coming out a week or two ago. When I saw two of the three in one night, he crept to the surface to give a grin and a laugh, but he was quickly repressed back down. He will not come out again, that part of my life is over. I know how much some of my friends hate that side of me and I hate that side of me to an extent and he will not take over.
So there you have it, I got it out of my system. I've been trying to write this for about two weeks now, I just haven't been able to get it out. What's to happen, not even the wisest can say. All I can really do is what is right for my life and what makes me happy. I am not searching and maybe I won't even socialize much. I am not one who takes failure very well and I guess in the end that's how I feel about my love life, a failure. The important thing for though is to not fear, I no longer fear being alone and I suppose that is a step in the right direction.