Cinema Anticipations
The Day the Earth Stood Still (2009)
Keanu’s niche. Perhaps, in this effects heavy remake, Keanu will finally live up to his potential: in an unemotional, inhuman role that uses his monotone, uninteresting delivery to its fullest.
Potentially: 6 of 10.
The Unborn
Exorcist IV: Damien vs. Azazeal. Gary Oldman as an occult professor-guy counseling half of a would-have-been pair of twins? I’m banking on an A (minus) horror flick with lots of creepy visuals, but little cohesion in the plot. My disappointment should mirror that generated by The Ruins - Mild, but livable.
Potentially: 7 of 10.
My Bloody Valentine 3D
Squick-flick 3D. They’ll overplay the gore, over sell the 3D. Subpar horror with lots of thrills. I’m hoping Jensen Ackles (Supernatural, Devour, ETC) can pull this one out of the shaft of modern horror.
Potentially 5 of 10
Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
The Prequel! Didn’t George Lucas’s Episodes I, II, III and the Mummy’s abysmal Scorpion King teach us ANYTHING? What happens when you prequel? That’s right - you murder the movie’s soul. How will this turn out for a cool, but ultimately meatless wannabe-cult film-series? I think: good style, strong visuals, but little connection to the first and second films. Continuity should be left at home, but take your leather-fetish and an everybody-knows-martial-arts hat - You’ll need them.
Potentially 3 of 10
The Spirit
Keep telling yourself: it’s not Frank Miller. Remember Sin City? Looking for the grit, the grime, and the all around badassness? Yeah, this was based on Will Eisner’s comic and given Frank Miller’s STYLE. Imagine Dr Seuss through the eyes of Tim Burton - now rein it in a tad and give everyone a gun. There! I’m expecting a visual experience that makes you want to go back, but dialogue out of a dimestore detective novel with a plot borrowed from a girly Saturday morning cartoon. Of course this could suffer the horrible fate of that awful movie: Snakes on a Plane - where the trailers were the only part of the movie worth watching.
Potentially 5 of 10.
Friday the 13th (2009)
Mr. Voorhees, come out and pla-ay! Well, at least they learned not to take him into space (Jason X reference here). In the footsteps of The Hills have Eyes, House of Wax, and Texas Chainsaw Massacre; we’re attempting a reboot of a horror masterpiece. As long as they don’t try to make it Jason’s twin brother or some other extra ‘twist’ to be ‘original’ - this could be a good show. I look forward to watching Jared Padelecki (SPN, etc) getting the machete!
Potentially 5 of 10.
The Watchmen
Hello, Darkness - my old friend. If you’re unfamiliar with the comic or if The Spirit’s light-side of hero grates for you, saddle up. The Watchmen comic is gritty, adult, and has a solid plot. If they stay true, this promises to be a powerful, electric film. It’s another take on the responsibilities of power. There are no black and white good and evils. You’ve got people with power and some of them are VERY bitter. Be ready to see it more than once!
Potentially 9 of 10.
Valkyrie
Surprise Ending of the Year! Spoiler? They fail. They fail. They do not kill Hitler. If you didn’t know that, you should - I won’t apologize for telling you something anyone with an elementary school education should know. I’m on the fence here. Either it will be really, really good or flop fantastically. Cruise has been hit or miss lately, but Kenneth Branaugh is a pretty firm actor. If he’s in it, it will probably be good - even if it doesn’t do well in theaters.
Potentially 8 of 10.
Seven Pounds
Will Smith is the Devil! I think - per the trailers - Smith’s character is being overly generous to seven people in order to show up one day and collect his…seven pounds of flesh. Whether organ donations, wicked favors, or supernatural widgets - I think he’s going to fall in love with one of his ‘victims’ and be unable to demand that final pound of flesh. If it is this kind of creepy thriller, I look forward to it. If it is a reincarnation of ‘The Pursuit of Happiness’ I will walk out of the theater.
Potentially 7 of 10.
The Uninvited
Wicked Stepmothers-R-Us. Mom died, Dad got a girlfriend, now the kids are seeing dead people. Don’t bother with this snoozer. I’m willing to bet that the father killed the Mom and she’s actually trying to warn the girls about him while the girlfriend is just a gold digger who will save the girls at the end. I could be wrong, but if it is the girlfriend and they’re TELLING us in the previews - I will be severely (more) disappointed with Hollywood. Nothing about these previews intrigues me. I don’t have a good feeling about this one.
Potentially 0 of 10.
Monsters vs. Aliens
Shrek IV. Monsters are different and dangerous and because we don’t understand them: evil. Except the aliens are actually, actively trying to kill us; so we’ll let the monsters protect us and Oh- learn to love! Lately animated flicks go either way - it could be spectacular ala Wall-E, Shrek (I & II), or Meet the Robinsons or it could have all the elements of awesome, but fall horribly short like: Hoodwinked, Shrek(III), Happily Never After. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst: watch the community ratings at site like RottenTomatoes.com. If it’s under 70%, don’t bother.
Potentially 4 of 10 (or 0 of 10)
Push
Jumper 2? Okay, the socially distant, gorgeous, could-be-god chased by a clandestine organization? Mmm. Where have we seen that before? Yeah, even with Dakota Fanning at his back, the new face the got to play lead is going to need some serious writing to save this flick. Unless they’ve got hellatricks up their sleeves, this will be visually neat, but ultimately boring.
Potentially 2 of 10.
Inkheart
Neverending story, but the book’s events happen in reality? I was never a huge fan of the Never-ending story series - perhaps because my brother made me watch them over and over and over again, but still: not a fan. I have hope for this movie for two reasons: one, Brenan Frasier gives 1 good show in every 3 of his films (poor judgment on when to stop with the sequels, but eh). Two, Inkheart’s a good book. Give it a once through - even if you skip the film. You’ll be glad you did, and it’s a great way to kill a stormy Saturday. High hopes and fair seas.
Potentially 10 of 10.
Taken
Her Daddy will PWN you! This is what would happen if one of the girls from Hostel had a badass for a Dad. Liam Neeson will deliver a Zen bad ass - not unlike Val Kilmer’s the Saint - but he’ll have little support from the rest of the cast. This will be a grunting mess of Americanized martial arts, posturing, and fanfare when really - they’d have just shot her in the head when keeping her proved to be that much trouble. I can ignore such rational approaches when the movie’s good enough, but this one just won’t be. Rent this one - but only if you just HAVE to see it.
Potentially 2 of 10.
Twilight
“Always whining, Louis!” Remember Interview with the Vampire? Remember how you wanted to punch Louis in the face for being such a prissy little shit? Yeah, take the rat-drinking Louis; now take away all that glorious rage he could muster: tada! You have the vampires of Twilight. This is going to be a romance movie for 12-year-old girls. Okay, I get that. That’s the target audience. Please, please, please stop abusing the vampire. Vampires should be vicious. After those horrific Blade sequels and countless knockoff flicks, we need a vampire movie with the wicked macabre of the Lost Boys and the inhumanity of Bram Stoker’s Dracula (the book, not the romance-movie). Stop making the vampire these spineless, I-wanna-be-a-cuddly-kitten tools! Give us a monster! Give us a man! Just quit giving us this ‘oh poor me, I’m immortal and powerful, but I can’t bring myself to kill a freaking spider.’ Do us all a favor: skip this one. Skip it and rent an old Christopher Lee & Peter Cushing Dracula movie, watch Bela Lugosi give us that Eastern European gentleman we adore, hell - if you need angst catch Gerald Butler doing Dracula in 2000 better than anyone has in ages or see Lestat suffer through Louis’s depression in Interview with the Vampire, but for the sake of humanity, do not watch this preteen vampire version of West Side Story. Thank you.
Potentially, 1 of 10.
Coraline
Bedbugs that Bite! Like all his previous animation films, Tim Burton is going to give us a spooky, inviting world that spirals out of our comfort zone and terrifies as it teaches. Yet another visual adventure, Coraline will be creepy, sinister, eerie, and spine-chilling - but don’t look for anything new. Burton’s formulaic approach gets results - don’t get me wrong: the man makes good movies. Unfortunately, while Coraline will follow the Burton formula, it won’t do anything spectacular in the way of plots. See it if you’ve got a thing for Burton, Rent it if you’re a little weary of his regurgitated work.
Potentially 4 of 10.
Keanu’s niche. Perhaps, in this effects heavy remake, Keanu will finally live up to his potential: in an unemotional, inhuman role that uses his monotone, uninteresting delivery to its fullest.
Potentially: 6 of 10.
The Unborn
Exorcist IV: Damien vs. Azazeal. Gary Oldman as an occult professor-guy counseling half of a would-have-been pair of twins? I’m banking on an A (minus) horror flick with lots of creepy visuals, but little cohesion in the plot. My disappointment should mirror that generated by The Ruins - Mild, but livable.
Potentially: 7 of 10.
My Bloody Valentine 3D
Squick-flick 3D. They’ll overplay the gore, over sell the 3D. Subpar horror with lots of thrills. I’m hoping Jensen Ackles (Supernatural, Devour, ETC) can pull this one out of the shaft of modern horror.
Potentially 5 of 10
Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
The Prequel! Didn’t George Lucas’s Episodes I, II, III and the Mummy’s abysmal Scorpion King teach us ANYTHING? What happens when you prequel? That’s right - you murder the movie’s soul. How will this turn out for a cool, but ultimately meatless wannabe-cult film-series? I think: good style, strong visuals, but little connection to the first and second films. Continuity should be left at home, but take your leather-fetish and an everybody-knows-martial-arts hat - You’ll need them.
Potentially 3 of 10
The Spirit
Keep telling yourself: it’s not Frank Miller. Remember Sin City? Looking for the grit, the grime, and the all around badassness? Yeah, this was based on Will Eisner’s comic and given Frank Miller’s STYLE. Imagine Dr Seuss through the eyes of Tim Burton - now rein it in a tad and give everyone a gun. There! I’m expecting a visual experience that makes you want to go back, but dialogue out of a dimestore detective novel with a plot borrowed from a girly Saturday morning cartoon. Of course this could suffer the horrible fate of that awful movie: Snakes on a Plane - where the trailers were the only part of the movie worth watching.
Potentially 5 of 10.
Friday the 13th (2009)
Mr. Voorhees, come out and pla-ay! Well, at least they learned not to take him into space (Jason X reference here). In the footsteps of The Hills have Eyes, House of Wax, and Texas Chainsaw Massacre; we’re attempting a reboot of a horror masterpiece. As long as they don’t try to make it Jason’s twin brother or some other extra ‘twist’ to be ‘original’ - this could be a good show. I look forward to watching Jared Padelecki (SPN, etc) getting the machete!
Potentially 5 of 10.
The Watchmen
Hello, Darkness - my old friend. If you’re unfamiliar with the comic or if The Spirit’s light-side of hero grates for you, saddle up. The Watchmen comic is gritty, adult, and has a solid plot. If they stay true, this promises to be a powerful, electric film. It’s another take on the responsibilities of power. There are no black and white good and evils. You’ve got people with power and some of them are VERY bitter. Be ready to see it more than once!
Potentially 9 of 10.
Valkyrie
Surprise Ending of the Year! Spoiler? They fail. They fail. They do not kill Hitler. If you didn’t know that, you should - I won’t apologize for telling you something anyone with an elementary school education should know. I’m on the fence here. Either it will be really, really good or flop fantastically. Cruise has been hit or miss lately, but Kenneth Branaugh is a pretty firm actor. If he’s in it, it will probably be good - even if it doesn’t do well in theaters.
Potentially 8 of 10.
Seven Pounds
Will Smith is the Devil! I think - per the trailers - Smith’s character is being overly generous to seven people in order to show up one day and collect his…seven pounds of flesh. Whether organ donations, wicked favors, or supernatural widgets - I think he’s going to fall in love with one of his ‘victims’ and be unable to demand that final pound of flesh. If it is this kind of creepy thriller, I look forward to it. If it is a reincarnation of ‘The Pursuit of Happiness’ I will walk out of the theater.
Potentially 7 of 10.
The Uninvited
Wicked Stepmothers-R-Us. Mom died, Dad got a girlfriend, now the kids are seeing dead people. Don’t bother with this snoozer. I’m willing to bet that the father killed the Mom and she’s actually trying to warn the girls about him while the girlfriend is just a gold digger who will save the girls at the end. I could be wrong, but if it is the girlfriend and they’re TELLING us in the previews - I will be severely (more) disappointed with Hollywood. Nothing about these previews intrigues me. I don’t have a good feeling about this one.
Potentially 0 of 10.
Monsters vs. Aliens
Shrek IV. Monsters are different and dangerous and because we don’t understand them: evil. Except the aliens are actually, actively trying to kill us; so we’ll let the monsters protect us and Oh- learn to love! Lately animated flicks go either way - it could be spectacular ala Wall-E, Shrek (I & II), or Meet the Robinsons or it could have all the elements of awesome, but fall horribly short like: Hoodwinked, Shrek(III), Happily Never After. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst: watch the community ratings at site like RottenTomatoes.com. If it’s under 70%, don’t bother.
Potentially 4 of 10 (or 0 of 10)
Push
Jumper 2? Okay, the socially distant, gorgeous, could-be-god chased by a clandestine organization? Mmm. Where have we seen that before? Yeah, even with Dakota Fanning at his back, the new face the got to play lead is going to need some serious writing to save this flick. Unless they’ve got hellatricks up their sleeves, this will be visually neat, but ultimately boring.
Potentially 2 of 10.
Inkheart
Neverending story, but the book’s events happen in reality? I was never a huge fan of the Never-ending story series - perhaps because my brother made me watch them over and over and over again, but still: not a fan. I have hope for this movie for two reasons: one, Brenan Frasier gives 1 good show in every 3 of his films (poor judgment on when to stop with the sequels, but eh). Two, Inkheart’s a good book. Give it a once through - even if you skip the film. You’ll be glad you did, and it’s a great way to kill a stormy Saturday. High hopes and fair seas.
Potentially 10 of 10.
Taken
Her Daddy will PWN you! This is what would happen if one of the girls from Hostel had a badass for a Dad. Liam Neeson will deliver a Zen bad ass - not unlike Val Kilmer’s the Saint - but he’ll have little support from the rest of the cast. This will be a grunting mess of Americanized martial arts, posturing, and fanfare when really - they’d have just shot her in the head when keeping her proved to be that much trouble. I can ignore such rational approaches when the movie’s good enough, but this one just won’t be. Rent this one - but only if you just HAVE to see it.
Potentially 2 of 10.
Twilight
“Always whining, Louis!” Remember Interview with the Vampire? Remember how you wanted to punch Louis in the face for being such a prissy little shit? Yeah, take the rat-drinking Louis; now take away all that glorious rage he could muster: tada! You have the vampires of Twilight. This is going to be a romance movie for 12-year-old girls. Okay, I get that. That’s the target audience. Please, please, please stop abusing the vampire. Vampires should be vicious. After those horrific Blade sequels and countless knockoff flicks, we need a vampire movie with the wicked macabre of the Lost Boys and the inhumanity of Bram Stoker’s Dracula (the book, not the romance-movie). Stop making the vampire these spineless, I-wanna-be-a-cuddly-kitten tools! Give us a monster! Give us a man! Just quit giving us this ‘oh poor me, I’m immortal and powerful, but I can’t bring myself to kill a freaking spider.’ Do us all a favor: skip this one. Skip it and rent an old Christopher Lee & Peter Cushing Dracula movie, watch Bela Lugosi give us that Eastern European gentleman we adore, hell - if you need angst catch Gerald Butler doing Dracula in 2000 better than anyone has in ages or see Lestat suffer through Louis’s depression in Interview with the Vampire, but for the sake of humanity, do not watch this preteen vampire version of West Side Story. Thank you.
Potentially, 1 of 10.
Coraline
Bedbugs that Bite! Like all his previous animation films, Tim Burton is going to give us a spooky, inviting world that spirals out of our comfort zone and terrifies as it teaches. Yet another visual adventure, Coraline will be creepy, sinister, eerie, and spine-chilling - but don’t look for anything new. Burton’s formulaic approach gets results - don’t get me wrong: the man makes good movies. Unfortunately, while Coraline will follow the Burton formula, it won’t do anything spectacular in the way of plots. See it if you’ve got a thing for Burton, Rent it if you’re a little weary of his regurgitated work.
Potentially 4 of 10.