It's been a while
It's been a long time since I have posted on here. I miss it. Alot has changed. Alot.
I ended things with Joe last December. I have an attachment problem...or maybe I grew out of love. Or maybe I wasn't ready. Or just maybe dating my best friend wasn't right for me. I've met alot of people this last year...alot. I dated someone for 4 months that I cared deeply about, but the feeling wasn't mutual. Met alot of people...just people. No one special. In fact, ever since I ended things with Joe, I haven't feel a real mutual connection. The guy I was seeing, Karl, cared for me, but he was handicapped by his own grief. He lost this father in 9/11, and he has yet to confront the pain he is feeling. He's in a bad place in his life, jobless, homeless...uncertain. He's 24 and I was the most stable thing in his life, and even that he could not handle. I was being hurt by the situation and his general disregard for my feelings, so I ended it when I realize we would never meet halfway..that I would always be going the extra mile, when in reality he never wanted me to go that extra mile. He lives for the moment, and avoids taking things seriously, an attitude that was born from his grief. I understand why he feels that way, but I can't feel the same. I care too much for people.
My heart, as fickle as it may be, is bigger than my head. I refuse to observe warnings, and rather dive headfirst into painful situations. I am reckless with my own heart and I was reckless with Joe's. He still loves me. After all this time, after the pain I have put him through he still wants nothing but me. And in my heart, more than anything I wish I could make myself love him again. The demise of our relationship makes me question if I just outgrew us while I was in a key developmental time in my life (being the first year of college and all) or if I am just romantically handicapped. We were perfect. Perfect. For whatever reason I grew apart from him, I lost interest, I lost love. If I could love him in that way, if I could see him beyond a friend, my heart would be safe. No one would ever be able to break it again.
But as we know, I'm reckless. I'm not safe or logical. I'm bohemian. I believe in love, true, undying, can't live without, breathe without love. I lost that for Joe when I started to change as a person here, and I just hope that I will meet someone who can hold my heart, and be kind with it, and in turn I can be kind with their's, and never break it as I have with Joe's.
When I broke up with Joe, I fell out of love. I wanted freedom, I wanted to be single. I wanted my own life. It has been a year, and all I have come to realize is what is a life with no one to share? I'm ready.
Ready to dive in, head over feet, for someone. I'm ready to love again. To trust someone with my heart and to be trusted with theirs. I'm ready to feel something more again.
In the past year, I have changed tremendously. I have strayed from my old habits. I get depressed and down, but I have been better about handling this pain. I do not take it out on myself anymore. I do doubt myself at times, and often overanalyze things as I always have. But I have grown. I know I'm intelligent. I know I'm capable. I made dean's list with a 3.8 last spring. I go to one of the best public schools in the nation, and I belong here. I joined a sorority ...something I swore I would never do. But my friends, my sisters, they are not typical sorority girls. None of us are. They are fun, loving people, who want to make a difference in the world. I have done more for other people through this sorority and its community service than I have done ever before in my life. It forces me to be a better person, to see beyond myself, and to help others who have not been blessed in the ways I have. If anyone reads this, when you read this, do not judge. Because I judged. I thought sororities were stupid and rediculous and why would someone buy their friends. But that's just it, it's not like that. It's hard to explain to someone on the outside looking in, but I have not changed my morals, and I mean this when I say it has made me a much stronger, more confident person.
In this past year, with all of the health issues I have dealt with, which I won't go into because it's lengthy, and all the tragedy I have experienced, I have been forced to see life in a different way. Life is too short to live by rules. Be happy. Make yourself happy. Fuck what anyone says about it, you have this life, just this life to live. So do what you want. Date who you want. Be the person you want. But do not submit yourself to being anything but you. I've made mistakes, I've hurt many people, but I have also grown. I'm an adult, a capable adult, who in a few years will be out of school for good and a part of the workforce. I'm ready to begin my life, to be something to myself and others. I'm ready to make my mark in the world. I'm ready for love. I'm ready to be done dating. I'm just ready for my life to begin. It's too damn short to not go for everything we want.
So at the end of this lengthy entry, which I'm sure no one will read since I haven't posted here in forever, I want to say I'm happy. Happy to write again. Happy to be alive. Happy to know that even if I feel depressed, I'm feeling. I'm living life. All of it. The good, the bad, the beautiful, and the painful. I want it all. I'm ready. This may not last, I may say I'm scared tomorrow, but today...today I am ready.
I ended things with Joe last December. I have an attachment problem...or maybe I grew out of love. Or maybe I wasn't ready. Or just maybe dating my best friend wasn't right for me. I've met alot of people this last year...alot. I dated someone for 4 months that I cared deeply about, but the feeling wasn't mutual. Met alot of people...just people. No one special. In fact, ever since I ended things with Joe, I haven't feel a real mutual connection. The guy I was seeing, Karl, cared for me, but he was handicapped by his own grief. He lost this father in 9/11, and he has yet to confront the pain he is feeling. He's in a bad place in his life, jobless, homeless...uncertain. He's 24 and I was the most stable thing in his life, and even that he could not handle. I was being hurt by the situation and his general disregard for my feelings, so I ended it when I realize we would never meet halfway..that I would always be going the extra mile, when in reality he never wanted me to go that extra mile. He lives for the moment, and avoids taking things seriously, an attitude that was born from his grief. I understand why he feels that way, but I can't feel the same. I care too much for people.
My heart, as fickle as it may be, is bigger than my head. I refuse to observe warnings, and rather dive headfirst into painful situations. I am reckless with my own heart and I was reckless with Joe's. He still loves me. After all this time, after the pain I have put him through he still wants nothing but me. And in my heart, more than anything I wish I could make myself love him again. The demise of our relationship makes me question if I just outgrew us while I was in a key developmental time in my life (being the first year of college and all) or if I am just romantically handicapped. We were perfect. Perfect. For whatever reason I grew apart from him, I lost interest, I lost love. If I could love him in that way, if I could see him beyond a friend, my heart would be safe. No one would ever be able to break it again.
But as we know, I'm reckless. I'm not safe or logical. I'm bohemian. I believe in love, true, undying, can't live without, breathe without love. I lost that for Joe when I started to change as a person here, and I just hope that I will meet someone who can hold my heart, and be kind with it, and in turn I can be kind with their's, and never break it as I have with Joe's.
When I broke up with Joe, I fell out of love. I wanted freedom, I wanted to be single. I wanted my own life. It has been a year, and all I have come to realize is what is a life with no one to share? I'm ready.
Ready to dive in, head over feet, for someone. I'm ready to love again. To trust someone with my heart and to be trusted with theirs. I'm ready to feel something more again.
In the past year, I have changed tremendously. I have strayed from my old habits. I get depressed and down, but I have been better about handling this pain. I do not take it out on myself anymore. I do doubt myself at times, and often overanalyze things as I always have. But I have grown. I know I'm intelligent. I know I'm capable. I made dean's list with a 3.8 last spring. I go to one of the best public schools in the nation, and I belong here. I joined a sorority ...something I swore I would never do. But my friends, my sisters, they are not typical sorority girls. None of us are. They are fun, loving people, who want to make a difference in the world. I have done more for other people through this sorority and its community service than I have done ever before in my life. It forces me to be a better person, to see beyond myself, and to help others who have not been blessed in the ways I have. If anyone reads this, when you read this, do not judge. Because I judged. I thought sororities were stupid and rediculous and why would someone buy their friends. But that's just it, it's not like that. It's hard to explain to someone on the outside looking in, but I have not changed my morals, and I mean this when I say it has made me a much stronger, more confident person.
In this past year, with all of the health issues I have dealt with, which I won't go into because it's lengthy, and all the tragedy I have experienced, I have been forced to see life in a different way. Life is too short to live by rules. Be happy. Make yourself happy. Fuck what anyone says about it, you have this life, just this life to live. So do what you want. Date who you want. Be the person you want. But do not submit yourself to being anything but you. I've made mistakes, I've hurt many people, but I have also grown. I'm an adult, a capable adult, who in a few years will be out of school for good and a part of the workforce. I'm ready to begin my life, to be something to myself and others. I'm ready to make my mark in the world. I'm ready for love. I'm ready to be done dating. I'm just ready for my life to begin. It's too damn short to not go for everything we want.
So at the end of this lengthy entry, which I'm sure no one will read since I haven't posted here in forever, I want to say I'm happy. Happy to write again. Happy to be alive. Happy to know that even if I feel depressed, I'm feeling. I'm living life. All of it. The good, the bad, the beautiful, and the painful. I want it all. I'm ready. This may not last, I may say I'm scared tomorrow, but today...today I am ready.