Private
Ugh, I'm so fucking confused. Nothing's simple, is it?
It's not easy hating Tim. In fact it's impossible. I can be jealous of him all too easily, but hating him would be like kicking Bambi. He's just so... kind. Dull a word as it is, that's what he is. He's proper lovely. Open and friendly and genuine. And that all sounds sickening, but it's not. If I wasn't so jealous of him, I'd probably adore him. But all I can do is hate that I can't hate him and wish and wish that he was easier to vilify in my mind. But I can't. He's good for Jonatton, that much is clear. And I want Jonatton to be happy, I do. As much as I wish I could hate him, he makes Jonatton happy and I can't hate anyone that does that.
I noticed the way Ned was looking at him on my birthday. I know that look. Anyone who's seen a rom-com knows that look. That look that says "if only things were any other way...."
Fuck it, I probably look like that at work, half the time. I noticed the way he put his arm around him, the way his face lit up when he told that bloke to back the fuck away from his boyfriend. And the way it fell a split second afterwards, before he covered it up with a cheeky conspiratorial grin.
Poor Ned. Poor Ella.
Jones tried to convince me that Ned was a good catch once. And he is. He's funny and clever and good looking and great in bed. But. He's not Jonatton. Which seems to fall very high in my list of priorities at the moment.
If there was any justice in the world, you'd be able to choose who to fall in love with. Me and Ned could just choose to be over them and be happy together. But that's not how it works. Because he's not Jonatton and I'm not Tim.
I don't even want them to break up, because that would hurt him so much. Even though the indirect result of them being together hurts me (and Ned) so much. I don't know. Maybe I'm projecting onto Ned too much. Wanting to know that there's someone who gets it. Solidarity in my own ridiculous unhappiness.
It's not easy hating Tim. In fact it's impossible. I can be jealous of him all too easily, but hating him would be like kicking Bambi. He's just so... kind. Dull a word as it is, that's what he is. He's proper lovely. Open and friendly and genuine. And that all sounds sickening, but it's not. If I wasn't so jealous of him, I'd probably adore him. But all I can do is hate that I can't hate him and wish and wish that he was easier to vilify in my mind. But I can't. He's good for Jonatton, that much is clear. And I want Jonatton to be happy, I do. As much as I wish I could hate him, he makes Jonatton happy and I can't hate anyone that does that.
I noticed the way Ned was looking at him on my birthday. I know that look. Anyone who's seen a rom-com knows that look. That look that says "if only things were any other way...."
Fuck it, I probably look like that at work, half the time. I noticed the way he put his arm around him, the way his face lit up when he told that bloke to back the fuck away from his boyfriend. And the way it fell a split second afterwards, before he covered it up with a cheeky conspiratorial grin.
Poor Ned. Poor Ella.
Jones tried to convince me that Ned was a good catch once. And he is. He's funny and clever and good looking and great in bed. But. He's not Jonatton. Which seems to fall very high in my list of priorities at the moment.
If there was any justice in the world, you'd be able to choose who to fall in love with. Me and Ned could just choose to be over them and be happy together. But that's not how it works. Because he's not Jonatton and I'm not Tim.
I don't even want them to break up, because that would hurt him so much. Even though the indirect result of them being together hurts me (and Ned) so much. I don't know. Maybe I'm projecting onto Ned too much. Wanting to know that there's someone who gets it. Solidarity in my own ridiculous unhappiness.