can't believe how close I came
Honestly, I've been really depressed since yesterday, and there is no real reason, which is kind of enough to piss me off. I feel like I should have more control over myself and my emotions than this, but point blank, I don't.
I guess I could trace it back to Christmas when I called mom and Kris was there. It's always upsetting to even hear or mention his name, much less hear his voice. I used to be able to ignore that anything ever happened. I used to be able to look at this situation like he was my family, blood is thicker than water, and I should love him no matter what, but therapy changed that. I can't deny the fact anymore that he molested me when I was young, very young, and raped me later... for years. The funny part about it all, is that I'm still not as angry with him as I should be. I didn't get angry that he was at my mom's house. I got angry that she allowed him at her house knowing what he did. I got angry with her that she would willingly tell me he was there, with her permission.
He can't be brought up without all the others being brought up, and it's honestly too much for me to handle. Therapy didn't end because I was healed and all better. Therapy ended because she was finished with her semester. I got a far way with therapy. I dealt with, and brought up, a lot of things, new things, things I never would have even mentioned otherwise, but bringing some of those things up (like Kris and the other rapes) with no real closure on anything was far from easy or satisfying.
I haven't been right since I talked to Mom on Christmas, but I wasn't even thinking of any of that yesterday when I got upset. I slowly just got more agitated with everything. With the television. With cleaning, even with Madeline which really upset me because I do my best every day not to yell around her or even show her that I'm not happy.
I punched a wall. I went to bed at 5:30 in the afternoon. I slept all the way until this morning, and then I got up and cried on the couch for a good while before I snapped out of it. I'm not even sure right now if I feel angry or sad. Beginning this entry I felt sad, but now I feel more angry than anything. Maybe it's all because I'm realizing that all of these unwanted, uncontrollable feelings are coming because of my mother and Kris and what happened on Christmas, and Thanksgiving, and so many other times and days of my life. I can't get over something that is consistently thrown in my face.
Fuck, maybe I'm allowed to be angry. Maybe I should even let her know I am, and I just might if I can keep this emotion and hold on to it until I can get ahold of her, but that isn't likely.
I'm not really bad. Actually, things are more positive in my life than almost any other time, but these feelings are so overwhelming today. I keep thinking about how I used to deal with things. With drugs, and with self mutilation, and neither of those is an option right now, especially not self mutilation which is the most tempting.
I'm a strong person. I'm a strong woman, and I keep telling myself that, but sometimes it yells quieter than the bad things.
It feels good to be here, writing this, because no where else, no one else, is as accepting.
I guess I could trace it back to Christmas when I called mom and Kris was there. It's always upsetting to even hear or mention his name, much less hear his voice. I used to be able to ignore that anything ever happened. I used to be able to look at this situation like he was my family, blood is thicker than water, and I should love him no matter what, but therapy changed that. I can't deny the fact anymore that he molested me when I was young, very young, and raped me later... for years. The funny part about it all, is that I'm still not as angry with him as I should be. I didn't get angry that he was at my mom's house. I got angry that she allowed him at her house knowing what he did. I got angry with her that she would willingly tell me he was there, with her permission.
He can't be brought up without all the others being brought up, and it's honestly too much for me to handle. Therapy didn't end because I was healed and all better. Therapy ended because she was finished with her semester. I got a far way with therapy. I dealt with, and brought up, a lot of things, new things, things I never would have even mentioned otherwise, but bringing some of those things up (like Kris and the other rapes) with no real closure on anything was far from easy or satisfying.
I haven't been right since I talked to Mom on Christmas, but I wasn't even thinking of any of that yesterday when I got upset. I slowly just got more agitated with everything. With the television. With cleaning, even with Madeline which really upset me because I do my best every day not to yell around her or even show her that I'm not happy.
I punched a wall. I went to bed at 5:30 in the afternoon. I slept all the way until this morning, and then I got up and cried on the couch for a good while before I snapped out of it. I'm not even sure right now if I feel angry or sad. Beginning this entry I felt sad, but now I feel more angry than anything. Maybe it's all because I'm realizing that all of these unwanted, uncontrollable feelings are coming because of my mother and Kris and what happened on Christmas, and Thanksgiving, and so many other times and days of my life. I can't get over something that is consistently thrown in my face.
Fuck, maybe I'm allowed to be angry. Maybe I should even let her know I am, and I just might if I can keep this emotion and hold on to it until I can get ahold of her, but that isn't likely.
I'm not really bad. Actually, things are more positive in my life than almost any other time, but these feelings are so overwhelming today. I keep thinking about how I used to deal with things. With drugs, and with self mutilation, and neither of those is an option right now, especially not self mutilation which is the most tempting.
I'm a strong person. I'm a strong woman, and I keep telling myself that, but sometimes it yells quieter than the bad things.
It feels good to be here, writing this, because no where else, no one else, is as accepting.