At least not until next winter
It's comforting to know i can write in here, and no one really will ever read it. My other diary has become a collection of poetry, which i fear makes my real words seem more like art, than feelings, and sometimes i like that, but today i have no poetry.
Things aren't what they used to be. i'm not hovering over toilet bowls, or fiending over lost weight, or drowning myself in illegal substances, or drowning in legal ones. i wonder some days if my problem was those things, or the want to have those things in my life, in my mind, in my body. Reading over past entries, it doesn't feel that was me. i never remember being that way. i don't remember those words. i don't remember those times, but i know they exsisted bc i kept tabs on them. i wonder now, if i should have?
i'm not changing. i still want all those things i wanted before. All those things i did. Now, i'm developing. i'm stronger than i was. Or now, i'm just using it. Strength is something i've fought for for a long time, and it seems only lately i have developed it. For what ever reason, it seems to be growing, and it makes me feel good sometimes. i think i can finally handle all of the things i couldn't before, bc now i'm realizing all the things i would change.
All that i had to say has now withered away, and i'm left light.
i work today at 3, until close, and Greg is picking me up. We may go see a movie with Grady (whom i will be living with shortly, if things work out) or we may not. May go to dinner, or get drunk, or play cards. Who knows, but it will be fun.
Staying the night at Greg's.
Saturday, look for work, look at house, shop. shop. Have fun. i'm excited. It's always fun hanging out with Greg. (Yes YOU)
i feel like taking a shower and dancing naked for two hours before work. i feel like playing guitar. i feel like running?
"Last night, i swallowed liquor and a lighter, and this morning i threw up fire."
Things aren't what they used to be. i'm not hovering over toilet bowls, or fiending over lost weight, or drowning myself in illegal substances, or drowning in legal ones. i wonder some days if my problem was those things, or the want to have those things in my life, in my mind, in my body. Reading over past entries, it doesn't feel that was me. i never remember being that way. i don't remember those words. i don't remember those times, but i know they exsisted bc i kept tabs on them. i wonder now, if i should have?
i'm not changing. i still want all those things i wanted before. All those things i did. Now, i'm developing. i'm stronger than i was. Or now, i'm just using it. Strength is something i've fought for for a long time, and it seems only lately i have developed it. For what ever reason, it seems to be growing, and it makes me feel good sometimes. i think i can finally handle all of the things i couldn't before, bc now i'm realizing all the things i would change.
All that i had to say has now withered away, and i'm left light.
i work today at 3, until close, and Greg is picking me up. We may go see a movie with Grady (whom i will be living with shortly, if things work out) or we may not. May go to dinner, or get drunk, or play cards. Who knows, but it will be fun.
Staying the night at Greg's.
Saturday, look for work, look at house, shop. shop. Have fun. i'm excited. It's always fun hanging out with Greg. (Yes YOU)
i feel like taking a shower and dancing naked for two hours before work. i feel like playing guitar. i feel like running?
"Last night, i swallowed liquor and a lighter, and this morning i threw up fire."