Time flies *buzz buzz buzzzz*
Oh heck. I shoulda checked wtf I posted last time I logged on so that I could remember where to start writing from.
Well, one thing I'm sure I never mentioned here... Lee killed himself on Valentine's day. That's VLB for the purposed of this journal.
One day shy of being three weeks since he'd seen his kids, I got the call.
What happened was: I had become really uncomfortable leaving the kids with him. Not long before I stormed out of MJB's house with the boys, VLB had finally introduced me to his girlfriend. Let's call her "April," for the purposes of this journal.
We met at the mall in front of the carousel. He said there were a few things he wanted to address during this visit. 1.) Please help him to enforce some good, strict guidelines for the boys. Apparently, the grandparents over at MJB's house are very lenient and he didn't feel like they were getting the discipline they needed. 2.) blah blah blah... *trying to deviate my attention to other stuff* and 3.) "April has something she wants to say to you--I'll leave you two alone to talk. At this time, VLB and YKW take the kids and walk the mall, leaving "April" and I to talk.
April says to me that she wants to tell me something before the folks at VLB's house get to me first. She says that when she lived out east, she had custody of her daughter and lived with a man. It turns out that the man was abusing the little girl and the child was taken from their custody and placed in the home of said man's family. She said that they won't let her see the kid even though she is innocent but that he gets to see her all the time and that it's not fair and that she's trying really hard to get her shit together so she can be with her daughter again. Only reason she is in Santa Fe at all, actually, but she can't seem to convince anyone to give her rights back where her child is concerned. She's innocent? But can't see her child? Hmmm..
Hmmm.. hanging out with VLB who's life is obviously falling apart. Right before Christmas, he'd told me that he was "let go" at work. Before that, he had a week long stint in the hospital.. really really sick.. turns out he was diagnosed with COPD and an embolism. Before that, he wrecked his car and got another DUI that he didn't tell me about. I actually heard about it from my sister who reads OUR local paper from Texass where she lives. He was sick.. like sniffly and coughing and boogery and just sick.. all the time. I'm not a doctor but I know that's not good.. and all the same symptoms that come with using cocaine, ironically. I wasn't born yesterday. I met him on party days. I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HE DOES! You know what they say about bullshitting a bullshitter.
So he's sickly and refuses to take care of himself--this from April who was referring to his inability to stop smoking--evidence to this also came from my own observation. It's fucking hard to kick nicotine.. I know, I've been there.
So, he's lost his job. How's he going to make his car and rent payments.
Ok, those two things I just mentioned.. NOT my business really. The kids have a good home with me and my rent IS paid. His health, though I want him to be well, is not my concern. But when he's got a convicted child abuser living with my kids, I've got to TCB.
So, in addition to all the other major life changes happening, he tells me he's going to get a new apartment with april. So I say, "It doesn't matter to me that you have a new apartment every three months or so.. but maybe, for the sake of the boys' stability, we can come to some sort of agreement?" Then he says, "Yah, when I have the boys, I'm going to keep them at my grandma's and stay with them there." Not two weeks after making that agreement he says he's taking them to his new apartment with april. Then he said they were broken up.. but he's a liar so I don't believe anything he says. I bring to his attention the agreement that we'd made and he gets angry. He starts stomping around and JSB says to him "daddy you're not supposed to smoke cuz your sick and you smell like cigarettes." To which VLB replies "all day EVERY DAY!" Really rude treating your son like some bum on the street.
That day was the day that things really changed between us. He told me he was done being a nice guy with me and that he was tired of my personalities. At this point, I get more uncomfortable with him and I don't want to leave the kids. So I start checking on them while they are not with me.
I had said to VLB at some point that I was going to be claiming the boys on my income tax because he hadn't been helping me financially at all OR showing up when he was supposed to be there for the boys. I never asked him for money because I figured if he had them half time, that was fair. When they went to school, they were with him on the weekends but, Sick days from school, it was my mom who would go and pick them up and the one time that I called him instead of my mom, he answered in a groggy voice and said he just couldn't make it. GRRRR
Well, three days after he told me he was done being a nice guy he texts me and says that he just claimed one of the boys on his taxes. But I'd gone three days before that to e-file and he basically called me a liar because the first day to file didn't coincide with the day that I went in to my accountant to file. I told him he should amend his taxes because he would be in trouble for trying to pull a fast one. He said "Oh well"
That weekend I go to drop the boys off at MJB's house like I always do even though VLB was being suuuuper douchy and I was nervous about leaving the kids with him. I thought, I'll just leave them overnight and come get them early in the morning. Well, MJB rushes out to meet me at the gate. As if she'd known about his embarrassing trip to the tax preparer when he tried to pull the rug out from under me. I texted him asking if he'd sent his grandma out to meet me at the door and I might have called him a coward. Then I told him I'd be there in the morning to pick the boys up and he said "we won't be around." So I said "where exactly will they be?" He said "we're going to Albuquerque." I flipped a bitch and went straight back to MJB's house. I texted him and said "come outside, we need to have a talk."
When he came out, he came out barking. He said "WTF do you want?" I said "I want to talk to you about our kids." He said "well WTF? Say what you have to say." I said "I worry about the kids' safety and I don't believe anything you say to me." He said "you don't have to worry about them when they're with me." I said "you have a convicted child abuser living in your house!" He said "you did the same when you had them living with MAR!" I said "how does that make it okay?!"
At this point, we were both talking but neither of us was listening to the other. So I said "we're going by my rules or I'm coming back with a court order" and he said "go get your court order then." I said "I'm taking my boys now." And he followed me in to the house mumbling cuss words and talking shit. We get inside and I start putting the boys shoes on. They start screaming that they don't want to leave with me. He tells them that he understands that they're upset but that their mother is a terrible person. Then he says to me "see how you're hurting them? You don't even spend any time with them, It's always YKW or your mom!"
THIS WAS THE CRAZIEST FUCKING SHEEIT EVER.
They cried all the way to the school where we went to pick their sisters up. I explained that I had to fix things so that they could go back and that I would fix it as fast as I could so that they could go back. Well, it took me one week to get an appointment with a lawyer but before I could make it to that appointment, my friend introduced me to his mom who works in the very court department I'd be dealing with. She told me about a free clinic happening in one week. I thought to myself, I'll fill out the paperwork on my own, go the the clinic and have them look my stuff over, then I'll go and try to ask VLB to sign the paperwork as it's filled out where he would agree to give me full legal and physical custody and supervised visits until he can get better.
Well, the clinic would have been the Saturday after Valentines day and it never happened. MJB called me on that Wednesday asking if VLB could see the kids before he went to court on Tuesday since he would be facing DUI sentencing and would very likely go to jail or rehab for a while. I said if he wants to sign the paperwork as I have it drafted, I'll take the kids and they can spend the nights there supervised until he goes to court on Tuesday. She told me that she tried and tried to call all of Wednesday but that he didn't answer. When she and uncle DB went to check on him, they found him.. from what I understand, he attempted twice unsuccessfully but succeeded the third time to hang himself in a closet.
She was crying hard when she called on Thursday. She said they'd just found him. That she didn't know how we were going to tell the boys.
VLB's dad came over the next day, Friday. He said he wanted to be the one to tell them. My mom, MJB and I were all there with him when he told them that their daddy was sick and died the other day. Jareth made a weird face.. the kind of face a kid makes when you jump out from behind a wall and scare them. But he sustained it for a couple of seconds and kept trying to shove cereal in his gramma MJB's mouth. Charlie looked at the grown ups and came and crawled in my lap. I held them and told them that everything was going to be okay. That I am going to take care of them and everything is going to be okay. :'(
Since then, we've made appointments to have the boys go to a grief support group at an awesome place called GERARD'S HOUSE. They will be with other kids their age. I will be there and so will VLB's dad. The first group meeting is this Monday. Same day I have an appointment with social security in the morning to see about getting VLB's benefits for the boys. When we went to GH to register and see what the program was all about, the lady that greeted us told me that they would support me in whatever decision I made about what to say to the boys about what happened to their dad but that just for my information, it was her experience that telling the truth in an age appropriate fashion was better than telling them a lie. Even when it comes to suicide. She said a bunch of stuff I really didn't hear after that and then she said the one thing I did hear and that is that if they find out the truth later about how he died, and they most certainly would, they would very likely have to grieve all over again. That's all it took to convince me that they should know the truth.
That same day, we went into an office and I told the boys the truth. I told them that I knew that they thought their dad had died from smoking but that it wasn't true. I said: Daddy WAS sick, in his body and in his mind. He had headaches and he was sick from smoking but he was also sick from his mind. He was sad alot and he was confused. His brain wasn't working right anymore and he couldn't think right. So, being sick in his body and his mind and being sad all the time and confused, he decided he didn't want to live anymore. So he took a chord and put it around his neck. And when a person does that, they can't breathe. and if they can't breathe, their brain stops working and when their brain stops working, so does their heart and the rest of their body. And when your brain and your heart and your body don't work, you die and your spirit goes. I said "that's how daddy died. He was sad and sick and confused. but he loved you so very much. His whole heart belonged to you. And if you ever have any questions after this, you can ask me and I'm going to tell you the truth.
*SIGH* That has to be one of the hardest fucking truths I've ever ever EVER had to face up to.