Here we go again...
Josh broke up with me on Saturday. I've been in a million spaces around this one-- sad, angry, fortunate, you name it. I'm doing better than I normally do in a breakup, though, because I'm so fucking clear that the man has the emotionally capacity of an acorn. He's a great guy, and I don't say that to malign him in any way. It's just what's so. We talked twice-- once on Saturday when he did the deed, and once last night. Last night I was fully, fully expressed-- I told him exactly what I thought about everything, all the emotions I was dealing with, and how angry I was. We talked about how much we like each other, all the things we have in common, how wonderful it is to be together, etc. But when it came to, all right then, we have all that, so why not...? -- he can't answer. He can't even begin to speak to what he's locked out of emotionally. It's fucking insane. It's like I'm saying, "Look Josh, this apple is red!" And he says, "Oh my god, you're right, it totally IS green!" Do you know what I mean? It's hard for me to express my frustration on this one. He even admits that although he wants to just be fuck buddies, we have something deeper than that already. Huh?! I told him that my fear was that the focus is more on my being unable to handle the relationship (i.e., his fear that he is hurting me) and not enough on his lack of responsibility around not being able to be vulnerable. At which point he said he didn't follow.
My verdict-- I can be done, it's fine, though I'm sad; I'm pretty sure that he will come back when it's his decision, at which point god knows if I'll be receptive; and he is using guilt and feeling bad to avoid taking responsibility for his part in the whole deal.
Meanwhile, I turn 25 on Sunday, and I've decided to take this week to celebrate everyday until then-- like Hanukkah. Birthdaykah? Something!
A final thought on sexuality-- Everytime I despair at losing out on the sex we had, I remember what it might be like to share that with someone who has a vested emotional interest/connection with me. Which would, I suspect, be amazing. Last night as I meditated on the candle on my nightstand, I had a very clear vision of someone caressing me, and was present to that very feeling-- being treasured and loved. By ALL of someone-- not just the .5% these past two boyfriends have begrudgingly offered me.
Here's to 25-- May it be the best yet. Filled with conscious choices around love and sexuality, filled with friendship, and void of despair.
My verdict-- I can be done, it's fine, though I'm sad; I'm pretty sure that he will come back when it's his decision, at which point god knows if I'll be receptive; and he is using guilt and feeling bad to avoid taking responsibility for his part in the whole deal.
Meanwhile, I turn 25 on Sunday, and I've decided to take this week to celebrate everyday until then-- like Hanukkah. Birthdaykah? Something!
A final thought on sexuality-- Everytime I despair at losing out on the sex we had, I remember what it might be like to share that with someone who has a vested emotional interest/connection with me. Which would, I suspect, be amazing. Last night as I meditated on the candle on my nightstand, I had a very clear vision of someone caressing me, and was present to that very feeling-- being treasured and loved. By ALL of someone-- not just the .5% these past two boyfriends have begrudgingly offered me.
Here's to 25-- May it be the best yet. Filled with conscious choices around love and sexuality, filled with friendship, and void of despair.