hipocracy and unlikely biology
I'm worried that I'll end up sequestered in my own world, reaching out to people for intimacy, crying over portraits of my children, with a dead husband, alone.
Fluctuation in friendships is a strange thing. I've become sick of someone lately - I see through her pettiness and paranoia and it annoys me because those are things that I see in myself. I see her as insecure, she sees me as condescending, thinking I'm better than people (or giving that impression.) Supposedly this is a commonly held viewpoint.
And I wish people would just assume good of other people. If I sigh, it's not a condescending sigh, it's a goddamn affectionate sigh. If I say something ridiculous in a very dry tone of voice then I'm being sarcastic. No one except my mother gets my goddamn sarcasm! If I tell people to shut up it's because I love their conversation but they're being really fucking loud and I was talking to someone and why do people need to take offence and harrumph and go off and make a big deal about it? I wish people would ignore my social cluelessness sometimes, and it hurts me when they don't see that I love them and that I feel tenderness for them. People joke around, poke out their tongues at each other, but it doesn't work sometimes for me.
I am so flawed. I'm like a big knot, twisting and hurting and tangled.
Yes means no, no means yes.
I feel like every step I take, I take two back, deliberately. Surround myself with emotional turmoil, never let myself succeed. Achieving some small burst of self discipline is so rare.
I'm only a mass of biology, really - veins and pancreatic juice and bone marrow and hair, retina and eardrum and epidermis.
I feel so unlikely.
Fluctuation in friendships is a strange thing. I've become sick of someone lately - I see through her pettiness and paranoia and it annoys me because those are things that I see in myself. I see her as insecure, she sees me as condescending, thinking I'm better than people (or giving that impression.) Supposedly this is a commonly held viewpoint.
And I wish people would just assume good of other people. If I sigh, it's not a condescending sigh, it's a goddamn affectionate sigh. If I say something ridiculous in a very dry tone of voice then I'm being sarcastic. No one except my mother gets my goddamn sarcasm! If I tell people to shut up it's because I love their conversation but they're being really fucking loud and I was talking to someone and why do people need to take offence and harrumph and go off and make a big deal about it? I wish people would ignore my social cluelessness sometimes, and it hurts me when they don't see that I love them and that I feel tenderness for them. People joke around, poke out their tongues at each other, but it doesn't work sometimes for me.
I am so flawed. I'm like a big knot, twisting and hurting and tangled.
Yes means no, no means yes.
I feel like every step I take, I take two back, deliberately. Surround myself with emotional turmoil, never let myself succeed. Achieving some small burst of self discipline is so rare.
I'm only a mass of biology, really - veins and pancreatic juice and bone marrow and hair, retina and eardrum and epidermis.
I feel so unlikely.