It’s habit which inhibits my body, it’s promise to which I succumb. A phone rings, why do we answer?
Disclaimer: To those readers of weak spirit, or pure stupidity, there are certain truths in the below entry that may worry you...DON'T.
I’m leaving LA on Sunday and I don’t think I could be any happier. All the things I used to live for have faded and are a gray where colors used to be bold, dark and outstanding. Love has left my life to completion. I have nearly nothing to depend on. It’s late and I should be sleeping but that just wasn’t in the cards for Friday night. I was supposed to pick a friend up and take her out for a nice dinner this evening but her step brother came into town so that faded to blue; I was really looking forward to seeing her after our date on Tuesday…fuck it, there will be plenty of stupid girls to go out with in SB. I find myself caring less and less as time dwindles. Kathryn said something to me today that was almost scary, “you guys are going to blink your eyes and you’ll be fifty.” At first my response was if only that were true, and of course to extents it is so very, but, will life fade so fast? Is everything that happens to me now just a lesser magnification? If to blink my eyes and be fifty what would it be like…will I even live to see fifty. I’m not scared of the future in necessity but more just waiting for the motherfucker to come and stand face to face, see if the future is as much of a prick as I am predicting. At the same time I can’t help but tell myself, for nothing more than comforts sake, that the change of scenery out of this shithole so dubbed Studio City will do me nothing but good. Kaelan said something as well, “know what would be really funny? If we (Kaelan and Robert) ended up as bums on the street and you became some billionaire.” Danger Will Robinson, Danger! Hit below the belt! Ya, that one hurt, but in all honesty it is the truth. I probably will be the one living on the street, I probably will never live to see fifty. I once wanted to have children, a career and a wife to hold in my arms every night. Now all I want is something to numb the days. I no longer want the picture perfect lifestyle, and will I blame this on one girl? No. I would never award that credit to anyone but myself, I would never give anyone else the honor of my downfall aside from Dylan De Mott. Were there aids along the way? Of course. Am I depressed, fuck no. I’m just writing. It’s 1 am so I’m going to have about four more glasses of wine and a few more cigarettes, take a few more advil and call it one hell of a night.
Love,
Heartless
I’m leaving LA on Sunday and I don’t think I could be any happier. All the things I used to live for have faded and are a gray where colors used to be bold, dark and outstanding. Love has left my life to completion. I have nearly nothing to depend on. It’s late and I should be sleeping but that just wasn’t in the cards for Friday night. I was supposed to pick a friend up and take her out for a nice dinner this evening but her step brother came into town so that faded to blue; I was really looking forward to seeing her after our date on Tuesday…fuck it, there will be plenty of stupid girls to go out with in SB. I find myself caring less and less as time dwindles. Kathryn said something to me today that was almost scary, “you guys are going to blink your eyes and you’ll be fifty.” At first my response was if only that were true, and of course to extents it is so very, but, will life fade so fast? Is everything that happens to me now just a lesser magnification? If to blink my eyes and be fifty what would it be like…will I even live to see fifty. I’m not scared of the future in necessity but more just waiting for the motherfucker to come and stand face to face, see if the future is as much of a prick as I am predicting. At the same time I can’t help but tell myself, for nothing more than comforts sake, that the change of scenery out of this shithole so dubbed Studio City will do me nothing but good. Kaelan said something as well, “know what would be really funny? If we (Kaelan and Robert) ended up as bums on the street and you became some billionaire.” Danger Will Robinson, Danger! Hit below the belt! Ya, that one hurt, but in all honesty it is the truth. I probably will be the one living on the street, I probably will never live to see fifty. I once wanted to have children, a career and a wife to hold in my arms every night. Now all I want is something to numb the days. I no longer want the picture perfect lifestyle, and will I blame this on one girl? No. I would never award that credit to anyone but myself, I would never give anyone else the honor of my downfall aside from Dylan De Mott. Were there aids along the way? Of course. Am I depressed, fuck no. I’m just writing. It’s 1 am so I’m going to have about four more glasses of wine and a few more cigarettes, take a few more advil and call it one hell of a night.
Love,
Heartless