The time in Mojave had been good. Jim felt more like his old self than ever, though he knew he still had a little way to go. But more than that, he'd appreciated the fact that out there, away from all of the usual responsibilities and distractions, they'd been able to find their way to each other at last. And Spock... that had been unexpected, but welcome.
But now, alone with Bones, Jim thought that maybe the two of them were still a little scared of screwing things up between them. He couldn't think of another reason why this awkward silence had fallen. Jim looked over at Bones as they stood there, though, and leaving was the farthest thing from his mind. "...Can I stay?" he asked, biting his lip.
He didn't want to go back to his loft, didn't want to be alone or give Bones time to second guess this, he supposed. But mostly he just wanted to be here, with Bones. Jim took a step closer, close enough that he felt the warmth of Bones' arm against his.
Leonard stared at Jim for a long moment, watching him take that step closer to him. The cautious look on his face did more to settle Leonard's nerves than anything else, and he gave Jim a familiar smile. "Of course, you know that." Jim had always been welcome at his place, used it to hide from the media on occasion. Grabbing his bags from the back of the truck, Leonard headed toward the door, leaving it open so Jim could follow.
Once inside, he took a deep breath, reminding himself that all this change was good, that they could talk about anything. He'd had the temperature controls off while he was gone and just realized that he'd forgotten to have them turned back on that morning, so it was a little warm as they walked though the house. "Want something to drink?" he asked, digging in his fridge for a cold drink.
Jim grabbed his own duffel bag and followed Bones into the house. It was warm but not too bad, and he dropped his bag near the bottom of the stairs and then walked into the kitchen. "Sure, a drink sounds good." His stomach growled, then, and he gave a chuckle that was a little self-conscious. "I guess we should eat dinner, too. Why don't we order something?" He knew where Bones' stash of delivery menus were, even if they weren't used quite as often as his own. Jim slid onto a stool at the counter, one foot hooked over the rungs and the other still on the floor as he flipped through the menus.
"Chinese sound all right?" he asked, pausing at one of their favorites. Jim glanced up and watched as Bones turned back to him, nudging the refrigerator door shut with his hip as he held out one of the beers to Jim. "Thanks," he murmured, his eyes lingering on the soft, comfortable t-shirt and the worn jeans Bones was wearing.
Leonard felt those nerves again, but he tried his best to push them down. Stupid really, being worried about Jim. He knew the man had feelings for him, pretty significant feelings - but that insecurity, it just never really went away, and a little voice in the back of his head whispered that Jim would change his mind, Jim would want more, of course he'd want more, something poly. Wasn't wrong, wasn't bad, it was just-
He shook his head, pushing all those thoughts away, glancing down at the menu Jim had selected. "Sounds great," he said in a low voice, pointing at the beef and broccoli. "Get me that and some egg rolls." Leonard rested his hand on Jim's shoulder, tentatively, giving it a little squeeze, and he wondered who he was reassuring. "You feeling okay?"
He felt the rumbling in his chest when Bones' hand settled on his shoulder, heavy and warm, but Jim hadn't realized he'd actually made that contented noise out loud, not until he saw the look on Bones' face a moment later. He nodded and sent the order for the food from his communicator, settling on pepper steak and another order of egg rolls for himself. "I'm okay. A little tired and hungry
( ... )
He was about to answer that Jim had no right being tired, not after a two week vacation but he knew Jim had worked all over that damn ranch, the horses and the stable and just tending the property. But his words caught in his throat when he saw that look on Jim's face, the one that said he wasn't standing on steady ground either - and then they kissed, soft and gentle, like the ones back in Mohave but now they were here, in his home and this was real life, not some getaway in the desert.
Leonard couldn't help the groan he made as his arms wrapped around Jim's shoulders, his head tilting left as the kiss deepened. He didn't breathe until he pulled back, their foreheads pressed against each other. "So this," he began, panting a little as if he'd run a mile, "this is real, this thing between us." Not imagined, not going away. A real thing.
Somehow, the fact that Bones hadn't breathed, either, made Jim smile. He reached up, his hand resting on Bones' neck and his thumb grazing along his jaw. "Feels real to me," he murmured, almost afraid to say anything more. But he brushed his nose against Bones', his breath still heavy. "I know I'm not... that I haven't..."
"I want this," he murmured. "I want you. I have for a long time. Maybe... maybe since you sat next to me on that shuttle." He curled his fist tighter in Bones' pocket, that and the hand on Bones' neck grounding him, making it easier to talk about the hard things. "I just didn't think..." Didn't think I could have you.
"We both had a lot to think about, these last couple of years," Leonard told him, his head scratching the back of Jim's head lightly. "As long as it's taken, it still feels fast to me, you know? Everything that's happened this last month, with Marcus and Khan..." And you dying on me. "But we know now, that we want something."
His hand laced with Jim's as he pulled him toward the sofa. No hurries, no rushing, especially in light of Jim's problems right now. This wasn't about sex, this was about them, two men finding each other in the aftermath of tragedy. They settled on the couch, leaning against each other, a comfortable silence between them. But after a moment, Leonard felt like he needed to say something. "I know we've spent a lot of time together, these last couple of weeks, and it's been fantastic. But a part of me thinks that we need to, you know, ease up a little. Do some old-fashioned dating, make sure this isn't all happening just because of what happened."
He sighed, relaxing against Bones. Everything he said was true, Jim supposed. They'd had so much going on, so many things that were bigger than their own needs. Part of him hoped, selfishly, that they could just be themselves, be by themselves together a little longer, that nothing else catastrophic would get in their way
( ... )
It felt good, listening to Jim talk about wanting him, wanting to be with him. But there was a lingering sadness still on Jim's face, and Leonard worried that Jim might be transferring his need to fill in that loss with whatever was close and nearby - namely him
( ... )
Something felt wrong, somehow, and he couldn't quite put his finger on it. But Bones was holding back, that much was clear, and Jim thought he might understand why. "That's not what I'm worried about, either," Jim replied, waving his hand. "I mean, obviously I am concerned, but... not in relation to us. That's not all I want with you, Bones. Don't you know that?"
Then Bones went on, and Jim's stomach knotted again as he realized he probably didn't know that, or didn't believe it. And with good reason. He swallowed, his eyes closing for a moment when Bones' thumb grazed his cheek. "Or maybe," he began, all too aware that he was putting himself on the line in ways he never had before, "maybe it was just that being serious or exclusive didn't much matter to me, since none of them were you
( ... )
That's not all I want with you, Bones. Don't you know that?
Of course he suspected as much, though inside Leonard struggled with how long he could hold Jim's interest in that area. Old worries and insecurities rushed to the forefront of his thoughts. Jim talked about exclusivity, and wanting to be only with him. But how could he know for sure? "This isn't about trust, Jim. It's about knowing for sure that what we're feeling inside isn't all bound up in fear and grief and worry. If we move too fast, and it doesn't work out - I can't lose your friendship, Jim. There's nothing more important to me than that."
Leonard followed him to the window, watching the same scene, feeling that pit in his stomach whenever he saw the city that had become his home. Jim's body language conveyed his message just as loud as his words. "I've upset you. That wasn't my intention."
"No." He shook his head and sighed, running a hand through his hair. "No, you haven't. Fuck, you're being honest, Bones. I can't ask you for more than you're willing to give. What kind of an ass would that make me?" As soon as he said the words, Jim closed his eyes, biting back the urge to do just that. To fight for this. But in the end, he suspected, all that would do was lose him his best friend. "If anything, I'm frustrated at myself. I just wish... I wish I had said something a long time ago. Then you wouldn't be worried that this is just a reaction to everything that's happened."
His shoulders slumped, and he shoved his hands in his pockets. "I don't think I know any way but fast," he admitted at last. "So I suppose it's time I learned. I'm out of my depth here, Bones, so I need you to tell me what you want
( ... )
He reached out and touched Jim's arm, the barest pressure. "I wouldn't have been ready a long time ago, Jim." It was the truth, Leonard still wasn't sure he was ready for this. When he thought he'd lost Jim, he felt his entire world crash down on him in a way that he hadn't felt since his father's death.
If he and Jim were more to each other... "What I want is for you to let my buy you dinner tonight. Maybe go see a movie." Leonard reached for Jim's hand, strong and familiar. "We can make out in the back row, if you want." Tugging Jim closer, he pulled his face back so that he could see Jim's expression. "But you're not getting in my pants. Not on the first date." Seemed like a step backward, considering what had happened when they were with Spock, all the touching and nudity - but this was them, and it was different and Leonard wanted to know they were both sure about it.
Jim looked down at Bones' hand on his arm, and a little of the fight went out of him as he exhaled. He had a point, and Jim knew he'd been far too messed up, himself, for those first couple of years for anything more than friendship to work out. But that friendship had saved him, and if Jim had been worried once upon a time that the stronger feelings he'd become aware of were just gratitude or some sort of extension of that, he had figured out otherwise. He'd just convinced himself it could never work, that Bones would never feel the same way
( ... )
This wasn't going to be easy, Leonard had known that going in. Jim standing in front of him, pressing his mouth against his own, so fucking soft and close enough that he could see the need in Jim's eyes - all he wanted was to pick Jim up and take him to his room, show him how much he wanted this. But that wasn't fair, not with Jim being out of sorts, and well... he'd just told Jim that they needed to go slow.
Still, he couldn't help but lean forward as Jim pulled back, finding that full mouth again with his own, and kissing him deeper this time, hungrier. "Going out is safer," he admitted, his hand full of Jim's shirt. "But staying in has it's benefits too."
But now, alone with Bones, Jim thought that maybe the two of them were still a little scared of screwing things up between them. He couldn't think of another reason why this awkward silence had fallen. Jim looked over at Bones as they stood there, though, and leaving was the farthest thing from his mind. "...Can I stay?" he asked, biting his lip.
He didn't want to go back to his loft, didn't want to be alone or give Bones time to second guess this, he supposed. But mostly he just wanted to be here, with Bones. Jim took a step closer, close enough that he felt the warmth of Bones' arm against his.
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Once inside, he took a deep breath, reminding himself that all this change was good, that they could talk about anything. He'd had the temperature controls off while he was gone and just realized that he'd forgotten to have them turned back on that morning, so it was a little warm as they walked though the house. "Want something to drink?" he asked, digging in his fridge for a cold drink.
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"Chinese sound all right?" he asked, pausing at one of their favorites. Jim glanced up and watched as Bones turned back to him, nudging the refrigerator door shut with his hip as he held out one of the beers to Jim. "Thanks," he murmured, his eyes lingering on the soft, comfortable t-shirt and the worn jeans Bones was wearing.
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He shook his head, pushing all those thoughts away, glancing down at the menu Jim had selected. "Sounds great," he said in a low voice, pointing at the beef and broccoli. "Get me that and some egg rolls." Leonard rested his hand on Jim's shoulder, tentatively, giving it a little squeeze, and he wondered who he was reassuring. "You feeling okay?"
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Leonard couldn't help the groan he made as his arms wrapped around Jim's shoulders, his head tilting left as the kiss deepened. He didn't breathe until he pulled back, their foreheads pressed against each other. "So this," he began, panting a little as if he'd run a mile, "this is real, this thing between us." Not imagined, not going away. A real thing.
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"I want this," he murmured. "I want you. I have for a long time. Maybe... maybe since you sat next to me on that shuttle." He curled his fist tighter in Bones' pocket, that and the hand on Bones' neck grounding him, making it easier to talk about the hard things. "I just didn't think..." Didn't think I could have you.
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His hand laced with Jim's as he pulled him toward the sofa. No hurries, no rushing, especially in light of Jim's problems right now. This wasn't about sex, this was about them, two men finding each other in the aftermath of tragedy. They settled on the couch, leaning against each other, a comfortable silence between them. But after a moment, Leonard felt like he needed to say something. "I know we've spent a lot of time together, these last couple of weeks, and it's been fantastic. But a part of me thinks that we need to, you know, ease up a little. Do some old-fashioned dating, make sure this isn't all happening just because of what happened."
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Then Bones went on, and Jim's stomach knotted again as he realized he probably didn't know that, or didn't believe it. And with good reason. He swallowed, his eyes closing for a moment when Bones' thumb grazed his cheek. "Or maybe," he began, all too aware that he was putting himself on the line in ways he never had before, "maybe it was just that being serious or exclusive didn't much matter to me, since none of them were you ( ... )
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Of course he suspected as much, though inside Leonard struggled with how long he could hold Jim's interest in that area. Old worries and insecurities rushed to the forefront of his thoughts. Jim talked about exclusivity, and wanting to be only with him. But how could he know for sure? "This isn't about trust, Jim. It's about knowing for sure that what we're feeling inside isn't all bound up in fear and grief and worry. If we move too fast, and it doesn't work out - I can't lose your friendship, Jim. There's nothing more important to me than that."
Leonard followed him to the window, watching the same scene, feeling that pit in his stomach whenever he saw the city that had become his home. Jim's body language conveyed his message just as loud as his words. "I've upset you. That wasn't my intention."
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His shoulders slumped, and he shoved his hands in his pockets. "I don't think I know any way but fast," he admitted at last. "So I suppose it's time I learned. I'm out of my depth here, Bones, so I need you to tell me what you want ( ... )
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If he and Jim were more to each other... "What I want is for you to let my buy you dinner tonight. Maybe go see a movie." Leonard reached for Jim's hand, strong and familiar. "We can make out in the back row, if you want." Tugging Jim closer, he pulled his face back so that he could see Jim's expression. "But you're not getting in my pants. Not on the first date." Seemed like a step backward, considering what had happened when they were with Spock, all the touching and nudity - but this was them, and it was different and Leonard wanted to know they were both sure about it.
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Still, he couldn't help but lean forward as Jim pulled back, finding that full mouth again with his own, and kissing him deeper this time, hungrier. "Going out is safer," he admitted, his hand full of Jim's shirt. "But staying in has it's benefits too."
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