Struggling...

[dcteas17]

soo i don't know what to say today - it's been a while since i updated, but things are about the same i guess. i suppose i'm improving in some ways, but i don't know. it was a pretty rough week; i made a couple of new revelations that i'm not really keen on discussing with an online journal, but i can tell you about some of the things that have happened i guess. i kept erica up really late on wednesday or thursday night (i can't remember, but i know it was later in the week) and had sort of a multiple-level breakdown, which really sucked because i don't like keeping her up late to listen to my bullshitting, and for some reason i keep doing it. i don't know i have thought and talked about a lot of things and have decided that it's not just the breakup i'm having issues with, i'm just not well in general, and am going to talk to my parents about it - erica agreed to help after pushing me towards doing it, and now it's on my to-do list. i've dug myself into a big hole and have discovered i have two major problems - one, improving myself and my feelings and dependency "issues," and at the same time, two, letting go of erica. these two things are hard enough to do as is, but both at the same time - it's really harder than anything i've ever done or even thought of doing, and i am not kidding. i think i keep breaking down because i realize that the things i have to do and am working on are huge and i feel overwhelmed all of a sudden because i start to feel stretched thin, on top of the fact that i feel pretty hollow as it is. it's all just so hard and sometimes i feel so alone and deserted, and i know i'm really not - but nonetheless, that's how it is, and it feels like shit. i didn't do much this week - which gives me a lot of thinking time, and trust me, that's a good and bad thing. wednesday i resumed work on my eagle rank for boy scouts (even though i'm doing it via the venturing crew) and met with a merit badge counselor and actually knocked one of the four out. the other ones will hopefully follow suit. thursday night i met with jenna and katie about youth alpha, and we ran over some things. that has also been added to my to-do list, because i am a group leader and need to read through a lot of that material and outline how i want to teach and respond to questions for each lesson. friday the window people came and installed all our new windows (all but 4 of the windows in our house were replaced), although they're supposed to come today and finish trimming the outside. they are lovely - you can actually see through them and they open and close very smoothly - both quite a change from our old windows. hopefully they'll save us some heating and cooling costs, too, which would be hard not to do haha. erica came over while they were here - shortly after noon. we made lunch for susan (my sister) and ourselves, ate, hung out, and then the three of us went to the pool. we mostly had fun except i had an asthma attack and i hate them and they put me in a horrible mood. i really don't want to talk about that because they're embarrassing and degrading in my opinion, and when i have them and have forgotten my medication, i get really pissed. luckily susan and erica were able to cheer me up after i moped for much longer than i should have. so then after a little while we went home and watched some television and just hung out. we went to panera for dinner which was pretty good, and then came back and watched some more tv. erica fell asleep b/c she had to take some benadryl earlier, so i let her nap for just a little while and then woke her up because it was time for her to go home. saturday morning we all (my family except for my dad, who was already there...) woke up and went to williamsburg to my grandparents' and uncle's houses in kingsmill. it was my grandfather's 80th birthday, and my grandmother's is in december, but they decided to have one big party now for it. so we hung out and saw my cousin james from denver and my cousins jessica and emily and aunt carol and uncle stephen from pittsburgh who we only see every so often, so that was nice. they're all older than me, but i still like getting to see them because they're fun and for the most part nice to me - i think maybe it's because i'm younger, but anyways. jessica (jessica weber, my cousin - not jessica burris, my friend) told me that she's really interested in what i'm doing and always asks her mom about what i'm up to because she wants to see me do well and likes all the stuff i've done so far, so that makes me happy. so yeah the guys (my dad, uncle stephen, james, and i) and carol went over to the pavilion (this shelter type thing next to a plantation house and right on the golf course) to help decorate - we strung up all kinds of lights and set up the tables and audio system, and then went back to get ready. the thing started at like 5 and included really really good food from a really good caterer - and all kinds of beer, wine, and champagne, and other drinks and music and what not. it was pretty fun i guess - emily got smashed and my brother got about half drunk and acted like an idiot as always, but oh well. i went back to my grandparents and set up camp in the florida room (no more beds haha) on a really comfy couch. later on jessica and emily came back, and jessica attempted to talk with me downstairs but emily dropped a glass of water and so jessica had to go back up every 5 or 10 minutes just to check on her and all. anyways, i got pretty far in my book - i read about 10 chapters that day. then i went to bed. honestly, i slept like crap. but then we woke up, said our goodbyes, and left by lunch. yesterday after i got home i just hung out until dinnertime, and then after dinner went bowling with danny, mary, and erica. we only bowled two games, and then went to panera but it was closed, so we went to the tropical smoothie cafe. call it a good night. erica and i talked again afterwards and worked some more things out. i think sometimes when she talks to me none of the stuff we talk about is even new, it's just that when she tells me she's proud of me and wants to help and those sorts of things, it makes me feel better i think. so yeah there's my boring life, up and down as it has been for some time now. i don't really know what else to say - but i'd best run along now - i have to write a letter to a congressman/senator for merit badges, and then write a letter to dong's karate as a character witness for ashley, and then my chores for the day will be done. at least i'm realistic about how much i can accomplish haha. anyways, i'll talk to you all later and update in a week or so probably. stay cool. oh and like jessica (burris - not talking about my cousin anymore) i feel compelled to offer love to specific people, and i have two. first, i give my love to erica for putting up with me when she shouldn't have to, for caring about me when she shouldn't have to, and for loving me regardless. you are an angel and the fact that you're here by my side to help me through my own troubles AND through our relationship/breakup/rebuilding, which i know is awkward for you, is just amazing and i can't thank you enough. i love you so much for that - thank you so much! secondly, i give my love to jessica because she has been really understanding during all of this, and has always called to check up on me and offered her support, and even spared me the horror of dance dance revolution when i was at her house. thank you for being there and you know that i am ALWAYS there for you and that i just want you to be happy. you are an awesome, close friend of mine and that makes me happy :-) and of course to all my other friends and family - well you're all great. so anyways, i will see you all soon hopefully. have a good day/week!

Daniel/Teasley