No Matter What I Do
No matter what I do, I can't stop hurting. I distract myself, I smile. I write testimonials. I study. I read. I drink. I cut. I make lists. I give advice. I try to get closer to my friends, because they are all I will ever have now. I write, because I started writing again because of you, and I want to honor that. But none of that brings you back,
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But because of Brittany, I have trouble with thinking distractions are just me "running away", so I stew on things a lot more than I normally would or should.
There's a line from the Fruit's Basket theme song (sorry XD) that is: "You can't be born again, although you can change", and I take that to heart. It's the first thing I think about in the morning, besides "Omg let me go back to sleep."
One of the only things that keeps me going is that I want to see how badass I'll be as an old lady.
I actually got back into Tarot recently, and asked it about a lot of things, limiting myself to only two questions about David. One of the questions was something along the lines of "What happened?" and it actually was dead accurate to what happened with us, from the beginning, to what we could have done differently, etc. And then I asked we would ever talk to each other again. And I got the 7 of Cups, and it made me smile. That card represents wishful thinking and having many alternative options. Plus it's one of my favourite cards, because it's so pretty.
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