No Matter What I Do

[dclawed2]

No matter what I do, I can't stop hurting. I distract myself, I smile. I write testimonials. I study. I read. I drink. I cut. I make lists. I give advice. I try to get closer to my friends, because they are all I will ever have now. I write, because I started writing again because of you, and I want to honor that. But none of that brings you back,

Comments

[pecanjelly]

I feel like any advice I give you is repeated and worn out. But anyway...

I have my share of regret. About many things, and I can feel it stabbing into my chest every day. It casts a spell over my mind and my surroundings. The only thing really helping aside from (healthy) distractions is my self-assurance that holding onto such things is irrational and pointless. I try to take my pain and fuel it into the future. I have many more experiences to stumble upon and create in which I can act as I should have in the past. I can't change the past, but I can change my future actions in similar situations. Without the past having happened as it did, I wouldn't have the knowledge and wisdom that I do now.

There may not be another of him, but there will be another of somebody else for you. You tell me that it is better some days or moments than others, and I take it that this is one of the bad ones. Does drinking really help? If it numbs the pain, then why do you so often despair on livejournal in such a state? If something is going to make you feel worse, don't do it. Please.

I'm glad for the positive things that you have done for yourself in the meantime. Keep it up.

[dclawed2]

I know it sounds worn out. You don't have to keep giving me advice unless I ask for it, I probably won't listen to it anyway XD Sorry about that...

But because of Brittany, I have trouble with thinking distractions are just me "running away", so I stew on things a lot more than I normally would or should.

There's a line from the Fruit's Basket theme song (sorry XD) that is: "You can't be born again, although you can change", and I take that to heart. It's the first thing I think about in the morning, besides "Omg let me go back to sleep."

One of the only things that keeps me going is that I want to see how badass I'll be as an old lady.

I actually got back into Tarot recently, and asked it about a lot of things, limiting myself to only two questions about David. One of the questions was something along the lines of "What happened?" and it actually was dead accurate to what happened with us, from the beginning, to what we could have done differently, etc. And then I asked we would ever talk to each other again. And I got the 7 of Cups, and it made me smile. That card represents wishful thinking and having many alternative options. Plus it's one of my favourite cards, because it's so pretty.