Knowing the whole story might change Tyler's view?
All right, I'll update. I try really, really hard not to present myself as emo in LineJournal, but it was a horrible day, and I can't resist.
Last night I come back from Barnum, and I'm having these thoughts of how it seems like no one really talks to me there. No one says hi, no one talks to me about the show, no one gives me a second look unless I approach them first, and even then its just brief conversations and then the other party goes back to talking to someone else. Everyone has their own little groups, and I'm not in a single one of them. It really depressed me. Anyway, I decided to go to B.T.'s instead of going back to my room and wasting time as I, doubtless, certainly would. I had a borrowed straight jacket I was using for one of my acts in Barnum, and someone obviously asked what it was for. That led to describing the show and encouraging people to go. That led to skeptics saying I couldn't get out of it. Thus, that led to proving I could. I hung out with Brian G and company for a while, they played music, talked and I juggled. When I was moving stuff out of my bag to fit juggling stuff back in, I realized I had a pine board from Tae Kwon Do, LAST SEMESTER, still in there. It was warped and the wrong size, but Andrew asked what it was for. I told him board breaking from class last semester. So he said he'd hold it if I'd break it. I didn't even think I would, cause I knew it was warped, and the last time I'd tried to break it, I'd just hurt my hand. But I went ahead and tried. And I suddenly realized a lot of people were looking on. That was daunting, because I didn't think I'd break it, so I gave myself a disclaimer "I'm just warning you all, I really might not break it." But I gave it a shot, and went through with minimal resistence. I hung out a little while longer, feeling less isolated from people because I'd actually impressed people, and that made me feel better.
Then I ran in to Tyler walking back from the dorm. And he was pissed at me. He called me an attention whore. He even said he was holding his tongue in case he said something really offensive to me. I knew there must have been other stuff involved, but I was just so shocked that he'd sayd that to me. I looked back on the evening and thought about whether people really thought of me like that. I try so hard to make people happy, and not just because it'll benefit me. I just like being in a situation when everyone is having a good time, and if I can contribute to that, I do. The board was a left over I happened to remember was in there, not something I went into B.T.'s with the intent of showing off with.
Regardless, I went to bed sad and feeling dispondent and lonely, and when I woke up, it was ten times worse. I woke up and the first thing that came to mind was "No one will miss me if I'm not around." So I followed that logic and went back to bed. I slept the entire day, getting up just for lunch and dinner. I missed two classes and a once-a-week lesson, and every time I opened my eyes they welled up with tears, so I just kept trying to sleep. I felt so de-humanized. It's like Tyler only sees me as something to compete with, like anything I take pride in is just showing off, any time I do anything is either something he can or can't do better, and either way he gets indignant. And his comment only served to make me look over my life and wonder how many people really like me. I feel so worthless right now. Practice tonight was awful. Any time I wasn't on stage, I was sitting by the wall with my head in my hands, not because I was trying to get attention, but just because I felt like that. But I did realize that no one so much as bothered to ask. Everyone in the cast must have seen me at one point or another, and no one even asked if I was alright. I might as well have gotten the same response if I'd been yelling and punching the walls. People are fun, but I feel like it's so rare that they actually care. And then, who really does? It's not Tyler's fault that I'm thinking all this, but he damn sure helped to expediate the process. Like I needed to dive head first into melancholy, right?
I don't think I'm an attention whore. Maybe an emotional whore, or a hugging and flirting whore, but I'll be damned if I'm an attention whore. When I'm acting, I hate even thinking there's an audience out there. I don't want to be watched, I just want to enjoy the part. Why does everything have to be about who is center stage. We're all food for worms anyway, so what does it matter down the line who performed what spectacle for what public? I do things because I want to make people smile. Making people smile is what makes me smile. And every one needs to smile, right?
I'll be better, I suppose. I've got support from people who I think do really care, and talking to people and writing it down has been really helping. It'll be a good sign if I wake in the morning without tears in my eyes. But I guess there's a lot of things going on in my life that I really need to deal with. Lots of thinking days ahead of me.
Last night I come back from Barnum, and I'm having these thoughts of how it seems like no one really talks to me there. No one says hi, no one talks to me about the show, no one gives me a second look unless I approach them first, and even then its just brief conversations and then the other party goes back to talking to someone else. Everyone has their own little groups, and I'm not in a single one of them. It really depressed me. Anyway, I decided to go to B.T.'s instead of going back to my room and wasting time as I, doubtless, certainly would. I had a borrowed straight jacket I was using for one of my acts in Barnum, and someone obviously asked what it was for. That led to describing the show and encouraging people to go. That led to skeptics saying I couldn't get out of it. Thus, that led to proving I could. I hung out with Brian G and company for a while, they played music, talked and I juggled. When I was moving stuff out of my bag to fit juggling stuff back in, I realized I had a pine board from Tae Kwon Do, LAST SEMESTER, still in there. It was warped and the wrong size, but Andrew asked what it was for. I told him board breaking from class last semester. So he said he'd hold it if I'd break it. I didn't even think I would, cause I knew it was warped, and the last time I'd tried to break it, I'd just hurt my hand. But I went ahead and tried. And I suddenly realized a lot of people were looking on. That was daunting, because I didn't think I'd break it, so I gave myself a disclaimer "I'm just warning you all, I really might not break it." But I gave it a shot, and went through with minimal resistence. I hung out a little while longer, feeling less isolated from people because I'd actually impressed people, and that made me feel better.
Then I ran in to Tyler walking back from the dorm. And he was pissed at me. He called me an attention whore. He even said he was holding his tongue in case he said something really offensive to me. I knew there must have been other stuff involved, but I was just so shocked that he'd sayd that to me. I looked back on the evening and thought about whether people really thought of me like that. I try so hard to make people happy, and not just because it'll benefit me. I just like being in a situation when everyone is having a good time, and if I can contribute to that, I do. The board was a left over I happened to remember was in there, not something I went into B.T.'s with the intent of showing off with.
Regardless, I went to bed sad and feeling dispondent and lonely, and when I woke up, it was ten times worse. I woke up and the first thing that came to mind was "No one will miss me if I'm not around." So I followed that logic and went back to bed. I slept the entire day, getting up just for lunch and dinner. I missed two classes and a once-a-week lesson, and every time I opened my eyes they welled up with tears, so I just kept trying to sleep. I felt so de-humanized. It's like Tyler only sees me as something to compete with, like anything I take pride in is just showing off, any time I do anything is either something he can or can't do better, and either way he gets indignant. And his comment only served to make me look over my life and wonder how many people really like me. I feel so worthless right now. Practice tonight was awful. Any time I wasn't on stage, I was sitting by the wall with my head in my hands, not because I was trying to get attention, but just because I felt like that. But I did realize that no one so much as bothered to ask. Everyone in the cast must have seen me at one point or another, and no one even asked if I was alright. I might as well have gotten the same response if I'd been yelling and punching the walls. People are fun, but I feel like it's so rare that they actually care. And then, who really does? It's not Tyler's fault that I'm thinking all this, but he damn sure helped to expediate the process. Like I needed to dive head first into melancholy, right?
I don't think I'm an attention whore. Maybe an emotional whore, or a hugging and flirting whore, but I'll be damned if I'm an attention whore. When I'm acting, I hate even thinking there's an audience out there. I don't want to be watched, I just want to enjoy the part. Why does everything have to be about who is center stage. We're all food for worms anyway, so what does it matter down the line who performed what spectacle for what public? I do things because I want to make people smile. Making people smile is what makes me smile. And every one needs to smile, right?
I'll be better, I suppose. I've got support from people who I think do really care, and talking to people and writing it down has been really helping. It'll be a good sign if I wake in the morning without tears in my eyes. But I guess there's a lot of things going on in my life that I really need to deal with. Lots of thinking days ahead of me.