Reflection
It is that time again to reflect on the year, but first I'd like to add, I just started Skyrim. Loving it so far. It's so easy to escape into. I managed to run into the giant spider from Hell. Not like the one that was in my room. This thing
*shudders* I find spiders scary even in games. I also killed my first dragon. I'd rather make friends with dragons, than kill them, but as long as they want to turn me into burnt toast, I have to kill them. And hey look, I got a dragon as my userpic, which I drew on MSPaint. :)
So...the year 2011. I have to say it was a roller coaster of a year for me. I started off the year with no job and ended it the exact same way I started it. Of course I got some experience along the way. My first interview for a job that would have me do screen printing and heat sealing T-Shirts. That didn't pan out like expected, so then I went on to ABM. I worked doing office assistance for 3 months. What started off as an internship where I thought I would eventually be paid, turned out not to be the case. So I left the place because they couldn't hire me on. So, that was my second form of experience, work experience. Then I got hired to Bottom Line Utility Solutions. It was also an office assistant type of job. I didn't have as much work to do as ABM, but at least I was being paid this time. Ulitmately it was the lack of work (and probably lack of experience) that got me laid off, only having worked there for a month. So here I am again back to square one and now likely without the assistance of Heidi and Richard and Cheryl. They all don't have jobs anymore. But what did I learn from all these experiences? I learned that it's hard to find and keep a job, especially in this economy, and it's even more difficult with Asperger's just trying to find a job you'll be able to tolerate. But I also learned a bit about what it's like to work in an office. I think I could deal with it, if I didn't have to answer any phones.
But this is why for 2012 I think I want to try to do more of my own thing. Look at freelancing, maybe build up my art skills. My goal should be to try to take more control of my life, even if it's in unconventional ways. That is not a New Year's resolution though. I don't make those because I feel like it's making a promise I'm not guaranteed to keep.
At the beginning of this year, I got an iPhone as a late Christmas gift and I have to say it's my favorite device in the entire world. I don't usually use it as a phone lol, but I love being able to have mobile internet. That saves me some time. It's really convenient. I love it.
2011 is also the year that my brother and Kourtnei finally moved out of our house. But them moving out still didn't exactly remove the chaos however. It just went from being inside our home to outside of it lol. They had a house in Yorba Linda for a few months. That didn't last because their landlord ending up being a very sue happy person and some dog piss later, they got kicked out. Now they live in an apartment in Laguna Niguel, which from what I heard has not been much better. They have some pretty terrible roommates from the sounds of it. The complex itself doesn't sound great either. But hey, at least they're not coming back here again. They mostly brought their problems on themselves. Not even going to mention my brother's big problem with lying and how much he has hurt our family because of it.
2011 also saw the very first time I got to go to Europe. I had been wanting to go to Europe for so long. I had a fun time in Italy. Yes, we had the robbery incident, which kinda put a damper on the trip, but overall I think we enjoyed it. I also climbed to the top of Mt. Vesuvius. How many people can say that? I still really miss the food. American food completely sucks in comparison.
Unfortunately there were a couple of months mainly in July and August, where I had a big relapse in anxiety. It was very very bad during those months and I was having panic attacks. Luckily I recovered from it though. It was all due to a series of stressful events piled on top of each other, the first of which was of course losing my job at Bottom Line. I did expect that to happen. It wasn't a surprise to me. Still I tried to contain my tears as I waited for the end of the day. Then later I tried to tell myself it's all ok because it's something I needed to learn and experience. I tried to tell myself it's all right and I can accept this. Well actually that didn't work. It put me into a very depressive slump for a good few weeks. I felt embarrassed to even mention it here. I felt useless and incompetent even though I know it wasn't really my fault. Then I got to thinking what if it was? What if they laid me off because they favored the other guy that was hired on with me? He was working on the days I wasn't working, and he definitely had more skills than I did. I mean Amber seemed nice, but what do I know? I can't really read people's true intentions. Then I thought why should I be complaining about this? It's not like I depended on my job. I still live at home and depend on my parents. Big deal if I lost my job. So, then I started beating myself up feeling like I shouldn't be upset about it because I thought others have it much worse off than I do. *sigh* You know how this goes. If you have anxiety or depression, you know how your thoughts turn against you. So, the aftermath was very ugly and anxiety was starting to return.
The second of these stressful events was having to do jury duty, which was just a week or two after I lost my job. That's when panic attacks really started. Sitting and waiting was like one long panic attack. I had my book and my phone to occupy my time, but they didn't help at all. I couldn't even really focus on my book. Even though I was never called, I didn't feel the same afterward. My relief was short lived. My anxiety was reaching its threshold.
The last of these stressful events was the dentist, which was of course shortly after the jury duty. I got my very first cavities. I had never had cavities before, but due to not going to the dentist for several years, and not flossing, there they were. My natural reaction was of course to panic. What will it be like? Will it hurt? I literally spent hours reading about how the procedure is done, but that really didn't help to calm my nerves. Yet, I continued to do it until the day came. I just tried to convince myself it was ok. Obviously the anxiety was worse than the procedure. I tried to take melatonin to calm myself, which didn't work until I was all done. Go figure. I can't say my anxiety died down all that much during the procedure either. It wasn't bad, but it was hardly enjoyable.
So this series of stressful events (losing the job, jury duty, the dentist) led to a very exhausting and worn out month of August for me. I was a bundle of nerves wondering when I would see the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt like my mental well being was destroyed. It sucked period. Fortunately, by September I felt back to my regular self again.
I'm sorry I have to add one more negative thing for 2011. I did tell you it was a roller coaster after all. I won't be forgetting the incident that landed my mom in urgent care. Drinking too much I mean. That also added some stress and I had to work that day too. She did vow to stop drinking, but since then she went back to drinking again. More limited of course, but I think I'm always going to worry about her. *sigh* I wouldn't put her in the alcoholic category, but she has abused it. Obviously that one time was too far. Fortunately I haven't seen her abuse it since then. And I haven't had any late night confessionals in a long time. That's another story...
And then...I don't see my psychologist anymore. Lost my insurance on my birthday and got individual insurance, but I doubt it covers therapy. I think I'm doing ok without it so far. We'll see...the WECARE helped a lot in trying to get me a job. It's just too bad it didn't really work on more permanent terms. I'm sure my assistance from the Department of Rehab hasn't ended just yet...so we'll see what happens in 2012.
So, that's about it. In a word, I can sum up this year being mostly spent trying to find me a job. That's what I see when I look over all the blog entries. There were some disappointments, but some enjoyments like the Italy trip. I obviously want 2012 to be more successful, less stressful (like I will really get that), and a chance to build up more skills. But I will never know what the future will bring. Anything can happen.
*shudders* I find spiders scary even in games. I also killed my first dragon. I'd rather make friends with dragons, than kill them, but as long as they want to turn me into burnt toast, I have to kill them. And hey look, I got a dragon as my userpic, which I drew on MSPaint. :)
So...the year 2011. I have to say it was a roller coaster of a year for me. I started off the year with no job and ended it the exact same way I started it. Of course I got some experience along the way. My first interview for a job that would have me do screen printing and heat sealing T-Shirts. That didn't pan out like expected, so then I went on to ABM. I worked doing office assistance for 3 months. What started off as an internship where I thought I would eventually be paid, turned out not to be the case. So I left the place because they couldn't hire me on. So, that was my second form of experience, work experience. Then I got hired to Bottom Line Utility Solutions. It was also an office assistant type of job. I didn't have as much work to do as ABM, but at least I was being paid this time. Ulitmately it was the lack of work (and probably lack of experience) that got me laid off, only having worked there for a month. So here I am again back to square one and now likely without the assistance of Heidi and Richard and Cheryl. They all don't have jobs anymore. But what did I learn from all these experiences? I learned that it's hard to find and keep a job, especially in this economy, and it's even more difficult with Asperger's just trying to find a job you'll be able to tolerate. But I also learned a bit about what it's like to work in an office. I think I could deal with it, if I didn't have to answer any phones.
But this is why for 2012 I think I want to try to do more of my own thing. Look at freelancing, maybe build up my art skills. My goal should be to try to take more control of my life, even if it's in unconventional ways. That is not a New Year's resolution though. I don't make those because I feel like it's making a promise I'm not guaranteed to keep.
At the beginning of this year, I got an iPhone as a late Christmas gift and I have to say it's my favorite device in the entire world. I don't usually use it as a phone lol, but I love being able to have mobile internet. That saves me some time. It's really convenient. I love it.
2011 is also the year that my brother and Kourtnei finally moved out of our house. But them moving out still didn't exactly remove the chaos however. It just went from being inside our home to outside of it lol. They had a house in Yorba Linda for a few months. That didn't last because their landlord ending up being a very sue happy person and some dog piss later, they got kicked out. Now they live in an apartment in Laguna Niguel, which from what I heard has not been much better. They have some pretty terrible roommates from the sounds of it. The complex itself doesn't sound great either. But hey, at least they're not coming back here again. They mostly brought their problems on themselves. Not even going to mention my brother's big problem with lying and how much he has hurt our family because of it.
2011 also saw the very first time I got to go to Europe. I had been wanting to go to Europe for so long. I had a fun time in Italy. Yes, we had the robbery incident, which kinda put a damper on the trip, but overall I think we enjoyed it. I also climbed to the top of Mt. Vesuvius. How many people can say that? I still really miss the food. American food completely sucks in comparison.
Unfortunately there were a couple of months mainly in July and August, where I had a big relapse in anxiety. It was very very bad during those months and I was having panic attacks. Luckily I recovered from it though. It was all due to a series of stressful events piled on top of each other, the first of which was of course losing my job at Bottom Line. I did expect that to happen. It wasn't a surprise to me. Still I tried to contain my tears as I waited for the end of the day. Then later I tried to tell myself it's all ok because it's something I needed to learn and experience. I tried to tell myself it's all right and I can accept this. Well actually that didn't work. It put me into a very depressive slump for a good few weeks. I felt embarrassed to even mention it here. I felt useless and incompetent even though I know it wasn't really my fault. Then I got to thinking what if it was? What if they laid me off because they favored the other guy that was hired on with me? He was working on the days I wasn't working, and he definitely had more skills than I did. I mean Amber seemed nice, but what do I know? I can't really read people's true intentions. Then I thought why should I be complaining about this? It's not like I depended on my job. I still live at home and depend on my parents. Big deal if I lost my job. So, then I started beating myself up feeling like I shouldn't be upset about it because I thought others have it much worse off than I do. *sigh* You know how this goes. If you have anxiety or depression, you know how your thoughts turn against you. So, the aftermath was very ugly and anxiety was starting to return.
The second of these stressful events was having to do jury duty, which was just a week or two after I lost my job. That's when panic attacks really started. Sitting and waiting was like one long panic attack. I had my book and my phone to occupy my time, but they didn't help at all. I couldn't even really focus on my book. Even though I was never called, I didn't feel the same afterward. My relief was short lived. My anxiety was reaching its threshold.
The last of these stressful events was the dentist, which was of course shortly after the jury duty. I got my very first cavities. I had never had cavities before, but due to not going to the dentist for several years, and not flossing, there they were. My natural reaction was of course to panic. What will it be like? Will it hurt? I literally spent hours reading about how the procedure is done, but that really didn't help to calm my nerves. Yet, I continued to do it until the day came. I just tried to convince myself it was ok. Obviously the anxiety was worse than the procedure. I tried to take melatonin to calm myself, which didn't work until I was all done. Go figure. I can't say my anxiety died down all that much during the procedure either. It wasn't bad, but it was hardly enjoyable.
So this series of stressful events (losing the job, jury duty, the dentist) led to a very exhausting and worn out month of August for me. I was a bundle of nerves wondering when I would see the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt like my mental well being was destroyed. It sucked period. Fortunately, by September I felt back to my regular self again.
I'm sorry I have to add one more negative thing for 2011. I did tell you it was a roller coaster after all. I won't be forgetting the incident that landed my mom in urgent care. Drinking too much I mean. That also added some stress and I had to work that day too. She did vow to stop drinking, but since then she went back to drinking again. More limited of course, but I think I'm always going to worry about her. *sigh* I wouldn't put her in the alcoholic category, but she has abused it. Obviously that one time was too far. Fortunately I haven't seen her abuse it since then. And I haven't had any late night confessionals in a long time. That's another story...
And then...I don't see my psychologist anymore. Lost my insurance on my birthday and got individual insurance, but I doubt it covers therapy. I think I'm doing ok without it so far. We'll see...the WECARE helped a lot in trying to get me a job. It's just too bad it didn't really work on more permanent terms. I'm sure my assistance from the Department of Rehab hasn't ended just yet...so we'll see what happens in 2012.
So, that's about it. In a word, I can sum up this year being mostly spent trying to find me a job. That's what I see when I look over all the blog entries. There were some disappointments, but some enjoyments like the Italy trip. I obviously want 2012 to be more successful, less stressful (like I will really get that), and a chance to build up more skills. But I will never know what the future will bring. Anything can happen.