Been so long
I feel like life has been a whirlwind lately. I remember when I started this i said I would type every day and then now I get so wrapped up in life I haven't for so long. Things are going really well. I've gotten very involved in my program. I'm the chairperson for my women's meeting on Friday nights and that is so fun. I'm a GHIR for a Sunday night meeting and I just got home from that now. I shared about wanting to drink the other day tonight. I've just moved back in with my mother who's an alcoholic and alcohol will be there for me to see all the time. I have to give her credit she's been trying and hasn't been doin it as much for my sake but the days she does it's a struggle for me. I wish she would go to meetings with me and see life can be better, get easier. I love the meetings I love the people I'm meeting and have in my life now. People who actually care about me. It means so much it helps so much makes this worth it. I still stuggle day to day but I will have 90 honest days clean on Tuesday and that's a miracle to me. I seriously can't believe it. I never had 90 days ever since high school and I'm so proud of myself but I still think sometimes that it's not so bad when I drink and use and I could go back out. I hope in more time eventually that thought will leave me. I know it's not realistic to think that way but sometimes I just wish that I could be a normal person who can use drugs recreationally or drink occasionally and it's just not the way. One thing always leads to another. Maybe not right away but it does. I will never get what I want accomplished in my life using and if i drink alcohol I automatically go to everything else. Argh. I hate this feeling. But I'm just gonna stay involved keep talking about it keep calling people. I started goin to church to weeks ago for the first time ever. It was scary but it was peaceful and I felt a world better after. And today I put an end to a bad relationship in my life and hopefully it was a good decision. I feel like crap about it now but it was something i needed to do and I know in time I'll feel better. I need to focus on me and being alone and not in a relationship right now. Cause i can't know what i want from someone if i don't even know myself and I don't. Well I'm tired I gotta go. Hopefully I'll write again soon.