a not good day
Day 28
I'm so close to 30 days but I don't feel like I'm working recovery whatsoever right now. I'm being so avoidant of everyone and I don't really know why. I wanna use real bad today. And I couldn't admit it in the meeting. I'm so close to the edge ready to fall at any moment. I feel like I can't talk to anyone right now don't want to cause I don't know what to say. I want someone to say something good and prolific to me so I can feel good and positive again. I'm drivin from my meeting and I wanted to just drive to a bar so bad. I wanna do something something to make the ache go away that hurts so bad right now. I feel so alone but I'm the one making it that way so that's stupid. I'm haunted right now by feelings of hopelessness and just utter disdain of myself. I wanted to get a number from this lady who I thought I could make my sponsor cause I lost my first sponsor due to my own behavior which I won't explain here it's too personal. And she was standing right by me looked right at me and I couldn't open my mouth to speak. I'm so scared right now I'm so ready to tell everyone I'm going out and not coming back so don't call me and that there's nothing they can say to stop me. I wanna die right now stop the pain. It's just such a struggle hangin on and not using something someone to get me out of this funk I'm in. I want something I need something someone to shake me and be like u stupid fuck up stop thinking this way it wont help any. I stopped smoking cigarettes for like two days and tonight I'm smoking one after another it's ridiculous and it's doin nothin but hurtin my throat. I don't know. I can't type anymore I just feel empty right now. Goodnight.
I'm so close to 30 days but I don't feel like I'm working recovery whatsoever right now. I'm being so avoidant of everyone and I don't really know why. I wanna use real bad today. And I couldn't admit it in the meeting. I'm so close to the edge ready to fall at any moment. I feel like I can't talk to anyone right now don't want to cause I don't know what to say. I want someone to say something good and prolific to me so I can feel good and positive again. I'm drivin from my meeting and I wanted to just drive to a bar so bad. I wanna do something something to make the ache go away that hurts so bad right now. I feel so alone but I'm the one making it that way so that's stupid. I'm haunted right now by feelings of hopelessness and just utter disdain of myself. I wanted to get a number from this lady who I thought I could make my sponsor cause I lost my first sponsor due to my own behavior which I won't explain here it's too personal. And she was standing right by me looked right at me and I couldn't open my mouth to speak. I'm so scared right now I'm so ready to tell everyone I'm going out and not coming back so don't call me and that there's nothing they can say to stop me. I wanna die right now stop the pain. It's just such a struggle hangin on and not using something someone to get me out of this funk I'm in. I want something I need something someone to shake me and be like u stupid fuck up stop thinking this way it wont help any. I stopped smoking cigarettes for like two days and tonight I'm smoking one after another it's ridiculous and it's doin nothin but hurtin my throat. I don't know. I can't type anymore I just feel empty right now. Goodnight.