entry 1
This is my very first entry..
Wow, go me. Well, not much is going on today, really... Our cat had three kittens, but unfortunaly she was very young when this happened. One of them died.. Its like a feeling NO one can understand and mabye no one can understand it because no one loved their cat as much as me, but when you look in the box to check on them and ones just... died............
There isn't really a reson.. We think its because it starved. The mother isn't giving milk and kittens can live only about 3 days without it when their first born. I didn't want my kitten.. My beautiful solid white kitten (with a little black flame on its forehead) to just lie their all day, so me being as fast as I am at things, put him in a little purple tin box and buried it before i left for school and I wasn't even late. I don't know why but it just eases the pain a bit,-knowing ones body is at rest and not just LAYing there... I knew I woudln't make it though the school day without breaking down if I didn't do so. I mean, its not like I haven't buried my pets before. If one dies, I'M the one who buried it, not anyone else but ME. Its like no one cares BUT me. Jeeze I've played "the Grim Reaper" way too many times in my life. But one of the worst feelings in the world is knowing that you can't just "BE" happy. You can't just rest your body and cry when something happens (like my mom brother or sister does.) You have to keep moving, YOU have to put a casket around the body. And I know that some people would just say "Oh, its a cat get over it.." But its so much more than that to me. Its a LIFE. A living, Breathing, LIFE. And when it died, it wasnsn't pleasant or "beatuiful" like everyone thinks. I know its a type of rest and its out of its pain now, but DAMN i HATE people who think death is beautiful. Is death beautiful when you see the face of your loved one smased and bleeding on a steering wheel? Is deathe beautiful when your holding someone you love in your arms, knowing they will never resopond?
In a way though, I guess it was a blessing. That little kitten didn't even hear the noisy horrible sounds and scary sights yet, for its eyes and ears were not developed. But yet.. There is something wonderful about living as well! I mean there cuolda been so many things in its future.. It will never get to play in the grass during spring, it will never sit in my lap while I'm doing homework..
But even though this all hurts i have to keep moving on. There is also a little SOLID black one and another one that looks just like the one that died. The black one was bitten when it was comming out of the womb. We think the mother thought it was hurting her or something i dont know. But a day or two later, its leg swoll up 5 times the normal size. We arent very wealthy so I BEGGED my mom, i mean i practically held a gun to her head and she finally took the kitten to the vet. We got the money from my wonderful grandmother. Just think, if I hadnt of begged mom, the kitten would of died a slow painful death. I'm grateful for that at least that its not dead. it was 50$ for the treatment but ahnk God shes alive.
When we took it to the vet, they lanced its foot and blood and pus came pouring out. til this day, i think the WORST sound you will ever EVER hear is the sound of a screaming new born weather it be kitten or human. I just started crying when I heard it in the other room screaming for its life, wondering what was going through its little mind. But shes with me now. They gave her a shot of antibotics and gave us a can of kitten milik to feed her with (and the other kitten too) since the mom isnt producing milk. They are going to give the mom a shot today to help her produce milk. until then, i feed the 2 kittens canned milk with a spoon. ohh they hate it, and i have to practically force it down their throats. But as long as they get their nourshiment. Hmm... its about tiem to feed them now actually. I'm glad I'm not at scool today. I'm feeling kinda sickish anyways. I wonder what im gonna get mom, my stepmom, and my grandma for mothers day. i have NO money. I need a job but there so hard to find. I'm about to consider prostitution. But I know I wouldn't be any good at that either. Anyways, I taught the history class for 30 mins yesterday.. I think i did a fairly good job. I pray every day that my kittens are safe and not in any pain. Anyways, since I haev no money i think my Moms gift will be me cleaning the house and holi crap is it messy. I guess I better get started. To end this journal on a happy note, i lost a pound and I'll be drawing some pics soon.
~*$olaris*~
Wow, go me. Well, not much is going on today, really... Our cat had three kittens, but unfortunaly she was very young when this happened. One of them died.. Its like a feeling NO one can understand and mabye no one can understand it because no one loved their cat as much as me, but when you look in the box to check on them and ones just... died............
There isn't really a reson.. We think its because it starved. The mother isn't giving milk and kittens can live only about 3 days without it when their first born. I didn't want my kitten.. My beautiful solid white kitten (with a little black flame on its forehead) to just lie their all day, so me being as fast as I am at things, put him in a little purple tin box and buried it before i left for school and I wasn't even late. I don't know why but it just eases the pain a bit,-knowing ones body is at rest and not just LAYing there... I knew I woudln't make it though the school day without breaking down if I didn't do so. I mean, its not like I haven't buried my pets before. If one dies, I'M the one who buried it, not anyone else but ME. Its like no one cares BUT me. Jeeze I've played "the Grim Reaper" way too many times in my life. But one of the worst feelings in the world is knowing that you can't just "BE" happy. You can't just rest your body and cry when something happens (like my mom brother or sister does.) You have to keep moving, YOU have to put a casket around the body. And I know that some people would just say "Oh, its a cat get over it.." But its so much more than that to me. Its a LIFE. A living, Breathing, LIFE. And when it died, it wasnsn't pleasant or "beatuiful" like everyone thinks. I know its a type of rest and its out of its pain now, but DAMN i HATE people who think death is beautiful. Is death beautiful when you see the face of your loved one smased and bleeding on a steering wheel? Is deathe beautiful when your holding someone you love in your arms, knowing they will never resopond?
In a way though, I guess it was a blessing. That little kitten didn't even hear the noisy horrible sounds and scary sights yet, for its eyes and ears were not developed. But yet.. There is something wonderful about living as well! I mean there cuolda been so many things in its future.. It will never get to play in the grass during spring, it will never sit in my lap while I'm doing homework..
But even though this all hurts i have to keep moving on. There is also a little SOLID black one and another one that looks just like the one that died. The black one was bitten when it was comming out of the womb. We think the mother thought it was hurting her or something i dont know. But a day or two later, its leg swoll up 5 times the normal size. We arent very wealthy so I BEGGED my mom, i mean i practically held a gun to her head and she finally took the kitten to the vet. We got the money from my wonderful grandmother. Just think, if I hadnt of begged mom, the kitten would of died a slow painful death. I'm grateful for that at least that its not dead. it was 50$ for the treatment but ahnk God shes alive.
When we took it to the vet, they lanced its foot and blood and pus came pouring out. til this day, i think the WORST sound you will ever EVER hear is the sound of a screaming new born weather it be kitten or human. I just started crying when I heard it in the other room screaming for its life, wondering what was going through its little mind. But shes with me now. They gave her a shot of antibotics and gave us a can of kitten milik to feed her with (and the other kitten too) since the mom isnt producing milk. They are going to give the mom a shot today to help her produce milk. until then, i feed the 2 kittens canned milk with a spoon. ohh they hate it, and i have to practically force it down their throats. But as long as they get their nourshiment. Hmm... its about tiem to feed them now actually. I'm glad I'm not at scool today. I'm feeling kinda sickish anyways. I wonder what im gonna get mom, my stepmom, and my grandma for mothers day. i have NO money. I need a job but there so hard to find. I'm about to consider prostitution. But I know I wouldn't be any good at that either. Anyways, I taught the history class for 30 mins yesterday.. I think i did a fairly good job. I pray every day that my kittens are safe and not in any pain. Anyways, since I haev no money i think my Moms gift will be me cleaning the house and holi crap is it messy. I guess I better get started. To end this journal on a happy note, i lost a pound and I'll be drawing some pics soon.
~*$olaris*~