This is not what I intended on writing.
Uhh, these aren't very good. But I couldn't let them sit any long.
(HOLY CRAP I WROTE SOMETHING AGAIN)
Two Tangentially-Related Moments That May Be In Jim Halpert's Future.
Featuring the entire ensemble. Spoilers through "The Convention."
[ 1 ]
Josh was very aware that any downsizing that might happen at Dunder-Mifflin wasn't going to be at his branch, but nonetheless, it never hurt to just sit back and let Michael shoot himself in the face during a conference call with Jan. Besides, the camera crew that came with Jim Halpert seemed to enjoy it almost as much as he and Andy, and if he was going to have to put up with them it might as well at the expense of people he didn't really like.
"'...all I'm saying is, I caught this really interesting movie on HBO this weekend about these crazy megalo--- megla-- meglamani-- these really crazy executive types who were embezzling from their company, and there was a lot of crying, and I think that we really need to be looking into whether this is the reason why corporate keeps withholding certain kinds of funding from its branches.'"
There was a pause on Jan's end. "'Michael, are you talking about Enron?'"
"'No, of course I'm not talking about Enron, Jan. This was a movie. Who would actually do that?'"
Josh finally decided to jump into the conversation. "Actually, Michael, it was documentary. Smartest Guys in the Room? I saw it, too." Andy pumped his fist in the air and mouthed a drawn-out, 'yes.'
There was a long, awkward, Michael-Scott-sized pause on the other end.
Josh imagined Jan imagining all the different ways she could flay Michael alive. "'The point is, Michael, after last year's debacle, corporate will refuse to reimburse your branch for any expenses you may incur unless the team-building retreat in question is conducted on company property, and given under the supervision and strict consultation of another Dunder-Mifflin regional manager. Josh, I believe you've already volunteered to assist the Scranton branch?"
"That's correct." Josh couldn't stand Michael Scott, but it also never hurt to suck up to the boss.
"'God,'" Michael muttered, in that disapproving you're-such-a-kiss-ass voice he used from time to time.
"'Michael, is there something more you'd like to add?'"
"'No.'" Wait for it. "'Just that... maybe you need to remember how to have fun, Jan. That's all. Fun. F-U-N. The 'F' stands for--'"
"'Stop.'"
And now, just to be a total asshole, and because he loved to rib Andy about it by bringing it up a lot, Josh put on a fake smile and added, "Yeah, Michael, there's fun in a lot of other things. Like, say, Jell-o."
(Andy was, predictably, not amused. At. All. It was hilarious.)
But Michael just dismissed the remark casually. Without a second thought, he replied,"Jim's been doing that for years. The joke gets pretty lame after a while, trust me."
Um.
Josh had to hand it to Andy, he actually waited a whole fifteen seconds before storming out into the bullpen.
*
No one said it, but Jim could tell that the camera crew was happy to go "home." Was it possible to miss Dwight?
They caught him when he was cleaning out his desk.
It was really simple to sum up: "So, yeah, Andy found out it was me... and that's how I got fired from the Stamford branch." Jim put the picture of him and his brother into the small box he'd been given. "Thank God Josh said that my 'unprofessional behavior' makes me a 'perfect match' for Scranton. Thank... yeah."
---
[ 2 ]
In the middle of the "progress slash suggestion slash welcome-back-Jim" meeting, Kevin interrupted Michael's togetherness speech and announced that he wanted to know whether Bob Vance was intending on having a bachelor party, and whether Phyllis' coworkers would be invited.
"Okay, no--" Michael protested, but no one was listening anymore.
"But we haven't even set a date yet," Phyllis managed. Her cheeks were getting red. Michael made a really weird face in Pam's direction, but Pam just ignored him.
"Kevin's right," Dwight said, allowing Jim his first eyebrow-raise-at-the-camera since being back in Scranton. He'd been here a total of one hour. "You have to plan these things several months in advance. Several months."
"I... don't think that's true," Jim observed.
"I'm talking about borrowing them, Jim. It can take years sometimes for the good ones to be available."
"By 'them,' you mean, the strippers, right? Not Blockbuster videos?"
Angela straightened her already-straight posture. "This is not an appropriate topic for office conversation."
The meeting had begun to spin out of control anyway, so Michael decided to seize this opportunity. "Yes, yes, that is an excellent point, Angela! Jim, please use the term, 'exotic dancer,' from now on."
*
The cameramen cornered him and Pam in the kitchen. "Am I glad to be back?" Jim repeated to the camera. He looked at Pam, who tilted her head like she was very interested in his answer, and then turned back to the camera to give it what he was hoping was a simple yet telling shrug.
Pam giggled. "It's sad. I really don't think Dwight's ever actually seen a stripper before. Is that possible?"
"Actually, that is not true. I know for a fact that that is not true." Jim paused to give himself time, time to gather his thoughts and prepare himself. "Without going into the logistics of how I came about this information, when we were at the convention in Philadelphia last month, Dwight... ordered a hooker."
"No."
"Yes."
And then she put his hand on his shoulder, to punctuate her disbelief. "No!"
"You better believe it, Beesly."
"From, where, the front desk?"
"I... honestly didn't really want to think about it that much. I don't even want to be thinking about it right now, come to think of it."
"Oh, my God." Pam was covering her mouth and looking a mixture of terror and perverse delight. Yes, Jim was just a little bit happy to be back. "Oh, my God."
He nodded vigourously. "I know." His Stamford apartment had had a shitty view anyway. Mark was glad to have someone to split the rent with again.
"And that's so-- wow. Angela faked being sick just so she could visit him, too. Wow."
"Really? That's so-- so--"
They both came to the same horrifying conclusion at pretty much the same time.
(HOLY CRAP I WROTE SOMETHING AGAIN)
Two Tangentially-Related Moments That May Be In Jim Halpert's Future.
Featuring the entire ensemble. Spoilers through "The Convention."
[ 1 ]
Josh was very aware that any downsizing that might happen at Dunder-Mifflin wasn't going to be at his branch, but nonetheless, it never hurt to just sit back and let Michael shoot himself in the face during a conference call with Jan. Besides, the camera crew that came with Jim Halpert seemed to enjoy it almost as much as he and Andy, and if he was going to have to put up with them it might as well at the expense of people he didn't really like.
"'...all I'm saying is, I caught this really interesting movie on HBO this weekend about these crazy megalo--- megla-- meglamani-- these really crazy executive types who were embezzling from their company, and there was a lot of crying, and I think that we really need to be looking into whether this is the reason why corporate keeps withholding certain kinds of funding from its branches.'"
There was a pause on Jan's end. "'Michael, are you talking about Enron?'"
"'No, of course I'm not talking about Enron, Jan. This was a movie. Who would actually do that?'"
Josh finally decided to jump into the conversation. "Actually, Michael, it was documentary. Smartest Guys in the Room? I saw it, too." Andy pumped his fist in the air and mouthed a drawn-out, 'yes.'
There was a long, awkward, Michael-Scott-sized pause on the other end.
Josh imagined Jan imagining all the different ways she could flay Michael alive. "'The point is, Michael, after last year's debacle, corporate will refuse to reimburse your branch for any expenses you may incur unless the team-building retreat in question is conducted on company property, and given under the supervision and strict consultation of another Dunder-Mifflin regional manager. Josh, I believe you've already volunteered to assist the Scranton branch?"
"That's correct." Josh couldn't stand Michael Scott, but it also never hurt to suck up to the boss.
"'God,'" Michael muttered, in that disapproving you're-such-a-kiss-ass voice he used from time to time.
"'Michael, is there something more you'd like to add?'"
"'No.'" Wait for it. "'Just that... maybe you need to remember how to have fun, Jan. That's all. Fun. F-U-N. The 'F' stands for--'"
"'Stop.'"
And now, just to be a total asshole, and because he loved to rib Andy about it by bringing it up a lot, Josh put on a fake smile and added, "Yeah, Michael, there's fun in a lot of other things. Like, say, Jell-o."
(Andy was, predictably, not amused. At. All. It was hilarious.)
But Michael just dismissed the remark casually. Without a second thought, he replied,"Jim's been doing that for years. The joke gets pretty lame after a while, trust me."
Um.
Josh had to hand it to Andy, he actually waited a whole fifteen seconds before storming out into the bullpen.
*
No one said it, but Jim could tell that the camera crew was happy to go "home." Was it possible to miss Dwight?
They caught him when he was cleaning out his desk.
It was really simple to sum up: "So, yeah, Andy found out it was me... and that's how I got fired from the Stamford branch." Jim put the picture of him and his brother into the small box he'd been given. "Thank God Josh said that my 'unprofessional behavior' makes me a 'perfect match' for Scranton. Thank... yeah."
---
[ 2 ]
In the middle of the "progress slash suggestion slash welcome-back-Jim" meeting, Kevin interrupted Michael's togetherness speech and announced that he wanted to know whether Bob Vance was intending on having a bachelor party, and whether Phyllis' coworkers would be invited.
"Okay, no--" Michael protested, but no one was listening anymore.
"But we haven't even set a date yet," Phyllis managed. Her cheeks were getting red. Michael made a really weird face in Pam's direction, but Pam just ignored him.
"Kevin's right," Dwight said, allowing Jim his first eyebrow-raise-at-the-camera since being back in Scranton. He'd been here a total of one hour. "You have to plan these things several months in advance. Several months."
"I... don't think that's true," Jim observed.
"I'm talking about borrowing them, Jim. It can take years sometimes for the good ones to be available."
"By 'them,' you mean, the strippers, right? Not Blockbuster videos?"
Angela straightened her already-straight posture. "This is not an appropriate topic for office conversation."
The meeting had begun to spin out of control anyway, so Michael decided to seize this opportunity. "Yes, yes, that is an excellent point, Angela! Jim, please use the term, 'exotic dancer,' from now on."
*
The cameramen cornered him and Pam in the kitchen. "Am I glad to be back?" Jim repeated to the camera. He looked at Pam, who tilted her head like she was very interested in his answer, and then turned back to the camera to give it what he was hoping was a simple yet telling shrug.
Pam giggled. "It's sad. I really don't think Dwight's ever actually seen a stripper before. Is that possible?"
"Actually, that is not true. I know for a fact that that is not true." Jim paused to give himself time, time to gather his thoughts and prepare himself. "Without going into the logistics of how I came about this information, when we were at the convention in Philadelphia last month, Dwight... ordered a hooker."
"No."
"Yes."
And then she put his hand on his shoulder, to punctuate her disbelief. "No!"
"You better believe it, Beesly."
"From, where, the front desk?"
"I... honestly didn't really want to think about it that much. I don't even want to be thinking about it right now, come to think of it."
"Oh, my God." Pam was covering her mouth and looking a mixture of terror and perverse delight. Yes, Jim was just a little bit happy to be back. "Oh, my God."
He nodded vigourously. "I know." His Stamford apartment had had a shitty view anyway. Mark was glad to have someone to split the rent with again.
"And that's so-- wow. Angela faked being sick just so she could visit him, too. Wow."
"Really? That's so-- so--"
They both came to the same horrifying conclusion at pretty much the same time.