A Justification for Attraction
*This entry is originally posted on my MySpace blog*
One thing that I have struggled with for most of my adult life is having a poor self body image. For the past several years, I have made attempts to improve my image; most of those attempts consisting of gaining weight through excessive eating or weight lifting. Unfortunately, genetics and metabolism win out in the fight against severe underweight-ness (if that's even a word). People may not believe it, but I am very sensitive about my weight, much like obese individuals are about their weight. Just the other day, I went to a bar by myself wearing a tank top and I overheard at least three different guys comment about my skinniness. They would say things like, "He needs to eat something!"
So why am I bringing this up now? Well, most of the recent events in my life have made me question the reasons for my marital status, "single." Those events of which I speak of are mainly discussed in my previous MySpace blog, about how guys online don't bother responding back to my messages. I realize there are some sites out there that are designed to be for hook ups only but the same situation applies to all online communities I have encountered. As in past critiques of my life, these events have led me to one overall conclusion...that gay guys in the midwest don't have a thing for Asian men. It's as simple as that. American culture has molded everyone's mind, especially in the midwest, into a set standard of what attraction is. Unfortunately, I don't fit that standard because I'm not white.
Now I understand that in most cultures, people tend to be attracted to those who most look like them. Unfortunately for me, I don't look like most of the people in my community. So, this makes me wonder...where do I fit in? The truth is...I don't. I live in a world where I feel alienated and the only standard of what attractiveness is are white, tall, muscular abercrobmie boys. And this makes me question my attractiveness. Now before anyone starts ranting, let me say that I think that I am an attractive person. And I'll admit that, to a point, one may consider me as somewhat vain. Yet, I don't feel attractive. There's a difference between the two. I know I'm attractive but I just don't feel like I am.
So, what would make me feel attractive? There are many things I have done to make myself feel attractive. One of the more obvious ones is dressing up. I enjoy dressing up in a tie, shirt, and blazer and coordinating my outfit to my shoes, belt, and underwear. I enjoy having my own sense of style. I have always tried to make myself look attractive, and by doing so, I get the occasional reassuring complements from my peers. Another way is taking artistic pictures of myself, showcasing the unique features of my body and face. Hah! And of course, in turn, I would receivie compliments with that. But somehow, that is not enough. Because in the end, in the modified words of Kelis, my milkshake DOES NOT bring all the boys to the yard.
Believe it or not, I don't exactly have tons of boys wanting to date me. Don't get me wrong, there have been guys around my age who were interested, but the majority (and I do mean MAJORITY) of guys who are remotely interested are old enough to be my father. I would talk to some of my friends, most of whom are white, and they would tell me how they have all these hot guys wanting to get with them. So many, in fact, that they have to fend them off with sticks! Damn, I wish I had that problem. They would then assure me that these so called "hot guys" aren't the kinds of guys I would want to get with. Fair enough. But still, it would be nice to feel desired by someone who isn't a few years away from retirement.
So, do I really need someone else to make me feel attractive? I'd like to say the answer is no. I'd like to think that I can live my life thinking and feeling I'm attractive and have absolutely no one be interested in me, thus living out the rest of my life single. But I can't. It's people who make me feel attractive. More specifically, it's people who I find attractive who actually show interest in me that make me feel attractive. Unfortunately, most of the people I find attractive wouldn't give me the time of day if I asked, which in turn makes me feel unattractive. I wish I didn't need someone else to make me feel special. I wish I didn't need a justification for attraction.
One thing that I have struggled with for most of my adult life is having a poor self body image. For the past several years, I have made attempts to improve my image; most of those attempts consisting of gaining weight through excessive eating or weight lifting. Unfortunately, genetics and metabolism win out in the fight against severe underweight-ness (if that's even a word). People may not believe it, but I am very sensitive about my weight, much like obese individuals are about their weight. Just the other day, I went to a bar by myself wearing a tank top and I overheard at least three different guys comment about my skinniness. They would say things like, "He needs to eat something!"
So why am I bringing this up now? Well, most of the recent events in my life have made me question the reasons for my marital status, "single." Those events of which I speak of are mainly discussed in my previous MySpace blog, about how guys online don't bother responding back to my messages. I realize there are some sites out there that are designed to be for hook ups only but the same situation applies to all online communities I have encountered. As in past critiques of my life, these events have led me to one overall conclusion...that gay guys in the midwest don't have a thing for Asian men. It's as simple as that. American culture has molded everyone's mind, especially in the midwest, into a set standard of what attraction is. Unfortunately, I don't fit that standard because I'm not white.
Now I understand that in most cultures, people tend to be attracted to those who most look like them. Unfortunately for me, I don't look like most of the people in my community. So, this makes me wonder...where do I fit in? The truth is...I don't. I live in a world where I feel alienated and the only standard of what attractiveness is are white, tall, muscular abercrobmie boys. And this makes me question my attractiveness. Now before anyone starts ranting, let me say that I think that I am an attractive person. And I'll admit that, to a point, one may consider me as somewhat vain. Yet, I don't feel attractive. There's a difference between the two. I know I'm attractive but I just don't feel like I am.
So, what would make me feel attractive? There are many things I have done to make myself feel attractive. One of the more obvious ones is dressing up. I enjoy dressing up in a tie, shirt, and blazer and coordinating my outfit to my shoes, belt, and underwear. I enjoy having my own sense of style. I have always tried to make myself look attractive, and by doing so, I get the occasional reassuring complements from my peers. Another way is taking artistic pictures of myself, showcasing the unique features of my body and face. Hah! And of course, in turn, I would receivie compliments with that. But somehow, that is not enough. Because in the end, in the modified words of Kelis, my milkshake DOES NOT bring all the boys to the yard.
Believe it or not, I don't exactly have tons of boys wanting to date me. Don't get me wrong, there have been guys around my age who were interested, but the majority (and I do mean MAJORITY) of guys who are remotely interested are old enough to be my father. I would talk to some of my friends, most of whom are white, and they would tell me how they have all these hot guys wanting to get with them. So many, in fact, that they have to fend them off with sticks! Damn, I wish I had that problem. They would then assure me that these so called "hot guys" aren't the kinds of guys I would want to get with. Fair enough. But still, it would be nice to feel desired by someone who isn't a few years away from retirement.
So, do I really need someone else to make me feel attractive? I'd like to say the answer is no. I'd like to think that I can live my life thinking and feeling I'm attractive and have absolutely no one be interested in me, thus living out the rest of my life single. But I can't. It's people who make me feel attractive. More specifically, it's people who I find attractive who actually show interest in me that make me feel attractive. Unfortunately, most of the people I find attractive wouldn't give me the time of day if I asked, which in turn makes me feel unattractive. I wish I didn't need someone else to make me feel special. I wish I didn't need a justification for attraction.