Part Three
So far Jared's summer had sucked ass. He'd been home since the end of April and whatever small part of him had clung to the misguided hope that Jensen would come home too had finally kicked the bucket weeks ago. He wasn't coming and no one would tell him a damn thing about why.
At first Jared had just silently hoped Jensen would show up one day. That they'd run into each other and like they always had been, they'd be helplessly drawn to one another. It was a stupid fantasy because Jensen couldn't have made it any clearer that he was done with Jared if he'd written it in permanent marker.
And the worst part was Jared couldn't even blame him. It hadn't taken long at all for Jared to regret what he'd done with Jensen, to realize the mistake he'd made. When he'd broken up with Jensen he hadn't for a second thought it was really the end. In his mind, it was like letting Jensen go and knowing they'd come back to each other when they were ready. He just hadn't thought Jensen would cut him off like that and it hurt.
He knew now that Jensen hadn’t believed for a second that he’d been thinking of how leaving would hurt Jensen. That he’d really thought it would hurt Jensen less in the long run if he ended things before he went. The idea of Jensen alone in his dorm room constantly waiting for Jared when he was the one who’d chosen to leave hurt worse than the alternative of letting him be free. Letting him move on.
Or it had until the time’d actually come to give him up. That last kiss from Jensen’d almost broken Jared. His heart had already felt shredded before that, but the desperation on Jensen’s perfect lips had torn it clear out. And he’d almost called it all off. Begged Jensen to stay with him, to never let go but he couldn’t. It wasn’t fair to him.
So he’d given Jensen his best smile to cover up the way his heart was breaking and he’d walked away. Barely been in California for an hour before he broke down and cried pathetically in a bathroom stall until his lungs ached and his eyes burned. Wanted so bad to turn around and get on the first flight back, but he couldn’t. If there was one thing Jared’d never been short on it was stubbornness. So he pushed through it, made it to his dorm room.
It wasn’t until the next day that Jared’d realized Jensen wasn’t answering his texts or calls. At first he’d told himself that Jensen was just busy gearing up for his own move but the longer that went by the clearer it became: Jensen was cutting him out. All of Jared’s carefully crafted walls had come crashing down, bitter regret and cold fear had twisted up his stomach for weeks.
He’d sent more texts, made more calls than any rational person would’ve but nothing. Not so much as a sign that Jensen was even getting his messages. So he’d asked Josh if Jensen was okay. From the confusion in Josh’s voice, he’d been clueless about what Jensen was doing and when he got back to him, told him Jensen was moving on…
Well, it hadn’t been pretty. Meltdown was putting it mildly. He knew he shouldn’t ‘ve been so hurt, he knew Jensen had been against breaking up, knew Jensen had wanted to do the long distance thing. But Jared’d honestly thought that Jensen would realize he was right once they were apart. The problem was, Jared hadn’t been right. He was wrong. So fucking wrong and there was nothing he could do to fix it.
Jensen wouldn’t answer his calls or texts. Probably wasn’t even looking at them. So Jared gave up. Stopped trying to get in touch with him. He’d thought, if Jensen could move on, so could he. And fuck, he’d tried. So damn hard to forget those gorgeous green eyes and plush pink lips. The guy who could single handedly make every morning worth waking up for, who’d loved him with everything he’d had. And what’d Jared done with that?
Fucked it up like he always did.
Even considering all of that, it’d turned out that some dumb as fuck part of Jared had still held out hope for him and Jensen. He pretended he was fine, but he just kept thinking if he could see Jensen, he could apologize, beg his forgiveness, something. He could get him back. For that to happen, though, Jensen had to see him in person.
Unfortunately, Jensen hadn’t come home and when he’d tried to find out why, Josh had said it was none of his business. Jeff’d told him that if Jensen wanted to talk to him he'd know. So now he was moping around his parents’ house, sleeping in until noon and staying up until the crack of dawn just trying to distract himself until he could tuck tail and run back to California in September.
Maybe he’d never come back after this, because missing Jensen when he was on the other side of the country fiercely hurt, but this? Being surrounded by the places they’d spent so much time together in? It was the worst form of torture. Literally everything reminded Jared of what he’d lost. Self-loathing was constant. If he wasn’t so stupid, Jensen would be there with him right then instead of wherever. If he wasn’t such a complete goddamn moron he’d have realized that this was exactly how Jensen would react.
Because Jared knew Jensen better than anyone. Knew that Jensen habitually shut down when something overwhelmed him. Should’ve anticipated that this was what would happen, but no. Jared had been too caught up in his own ambitions, in the excitement of going somewhere new. Seeing things he’d only dreamed about. Turned out though, none of that meant a fucking thing because all he wanted was Jensen back.
“Jared?” His mom called up the stairs and Jared turned away from the window where he’d been staring at Jensen’s house across the street.
He cleared his throat and yelled back, “Yeah?”
“Come down for supper, sweetheart.”
With a sigh, Jared complied. Forced himself to walk away, go downstairs and act like he gave a damn about anything anymore. Mostly he just half-listened while everyone else talked and whenever someone asked him about something in particular he bullshitted his answer or deflected the conversation to someone else.
After supper he finally got to be alone again while he rinsed the dishes and loaded them into the dishwasher. Mom and Dad had taken Meg and her friend to a concert that she'd begged them to buy tickets for and Jared was just relieved that he didn't need to put on a mask for anyone, if only for a few hours.
A few dishes from the last, his phone rang in the pocket of his jeans and he hastily dried his hand on the front of his grey t-shirt before he stuffed it in his pocket and pulled his phone out. Caller ID was from a hospital in the city and Jared’s heart stuttered. A thousand worst case scenarios flashed through his mind in the time it took to accept the call and bring the phone to his ear.
His voice was husky when he said, “Hello?”
“Hi, I’m looking for Mr. Jared, ah, Padalecki?” A man’s voice replied and Jared nodded before he remembered he needed to use words.
“Yeah. Yeah, hi, I’m Jared.”
“Mr. Padalecki, I’m sorry to bother you this evening, but you’re listed as the emergency contact for Mr. Jensen Ackles-”
“Jensen?” Jared’s knees gave out and he wound up on the floor while panic and fear clawed at his throat. “Is he- Is Jensen-”
“Mr. Padalecki, he’s okay. He’s been in a car accident and he's unconscious but stable. Jensen’s going to be fine, he’ll just need someone here when he wakes up and you’re listed.”
Jared blinked hard at tears he hadn’t felt start. Wasn’t sure if it was relief or concern or what, but God.
“Yeah, okay. I’m about an hour away. I’ll just- I’m on my way.” Jared said as he got himself off the floor and jogged for the front door. He hung up the phone and only stopped long enough to step into his boots and grab the keys to his dad’s truck.
Strung out on worry for Jensen, Jared was barely aware of what he was doing, just got into the truck and peeled out of the driveway, took off for the hospital. It didn’t even occur to him to call someone, he was too upset, and there was this weird glow in the pit of his stomach that Jensen still had him listed as his emergency contact. That he hadn’t bothered to change it since last summer when he’d gotten a concussion during a lacrosse game and he’d asked if Jared wanted to be on file in case of an emergency.
At the time, Jared had been a messed up mixture of touched and guilty. He’d already known he was leaving and hadn’t worked up the nerve to tell Jensen yet. Or maybe it had less to do with nerves and more to do with being selfish. He’d wanted things to stay the same for as long as they possibly could. Wasn’t ready to let Jensen go yet, not until the last possible second. So he’d said yes, that big dimpled grin on his face that’d let Jared get away with pretty much anything for most of his life and he’d kissed Jensen like their kisses weren’t numbered.
Fuck, he wished they hadn’t been. That he hadn’t thought he could make things easier for either of them. Because there was nothing easy about this and Jared couldn’t imagine long distance being harder. He should’ve listened to Jensen. Jensen who was hurt and alone in a hospital. Who needed someone there with him. Jared hadn’t even stopped long enough to find out what was wrong with him, how badly he was hurt. Too stuck on the fact that Jensen was okay and that he was still his emergency contact.
And he knew he shouldn't get his hopes up, it might've meant nothing, but fuck it. Hopes were raised. This was his chance to make things right. To fix everything. Jensen would wake up and he’d be there. He’d tell Jensen how sorry he was, how much he regretted everything. And he didn’t deserve Jensen to forgive him, but God, he hoped he would. If he could take back what he’d done, he’d do it in a heartbeat. He just hoped that would be enough.
Jensen was the only one for him. The only person who really mattered. Jared didn’t know what he’d do if after everything Jensen still didn’t want to talk to him. He chewed his bottom lip as miles sped beneath the truck. His thoughts raced and his heart was beating too fast. Too many possibilities clogged up his brain and a sheen of sweat beaded up at his temples, his upper lip and the hollow of his throat.
He just needed to see Jensen with his own eyes, needed to be sure he was okay. He didn’t even notice he’d forgotten to grab a jacket until he’d parked in the hospital’s parking garage and climbed out of the car into the icy cold. A shiver worked its way down his spine as he quickly walked to the doors. Once he was through them, Jared looked around, totally overwhelmed and no idea where he was supposed to go. Fuck, he was so stupid. Why the hell didn’t he ask the guy on the phone before he hung up?
Anxiety made his breaths turn sharp and he took a few hesitant steps forward, one foot in front of the other until he found an information desk where he was pointed in the right direction. Somehow he found Jensen’s nurse and she reassured him that Jensen was okay as she led him to the room he was still sleeping in.
Mentally, Jared had tried to prepare himself to see Jensen unconscious in a hospital bed, but the reality was so much worse. A broken leg, a nasty gash a few inches above his left ear that was stitched up. He looked… wrecked. Paler than usual, freckles dark spots against fragile looking skin. Jared sucked in a breath as he walked over beside the bed. His fingers involuntarily came up to trace over Jensen’s cheekbone, across the bridge of his nose. The same path they’d taken countless times before and his chest ached with familiarity.
Softly, Jared whispered, “Jensen?”
The nurse cleared her throat and Jared’s hand dropped to his side as he turned and looked helplessly at her, like she knew some secret that would make all of this better. “So, like I was saying, he’s doing great for his condition. We’re waiting for him to regain consciousness, but so far everything looks good. We’re expecting he’ll have a mild to moderate concussion. So when he wakes up, he might be confused, dizzy. He’ll probably have a pretty bad headache and some nausea too. Both from the head injury and the medications he’s been given.”
Jared nodded along with what she said, but his eyes were drawn back to Jensen. After a bit more explanation about Jensen’s injuries, the nurse, whose name Jared hadn’t caught, left them alone. After a moment’s indecision, Jared dragged the chair in the corner up next to Jensen’s bed and collapsed into it.
Hesitantly, he reached out and took Jensen’s hand in his. They fit together just like he remembered, perfect. He shouldn’t be doing this, shouldn’t be holding Jensen’s hand when Jensen wasn’t his anymore but he couldn’t help it. He needed that physical reassurance that Jensen was okay. Jared had always had trouble keeping his hands to himself, even moreso where Jensen was involved.
Inside, Jared was a jumble of fucked up feelings. Too damn many to process, but underneath it all was this little bit of hope that wouldn’t fuck off. Just barely kept him from losing it. From falling apart. He ended up leaned over the bed, Jensen’s hand clasped between both of his and his forehead rested on them, just waited with his eyes closed for Jensen to wake up. Silently begged him to open up his eyes so that he could really be completely sure he was alright.
Hours crept by before Jensen’s fingers twitched and Jared’s head whipped up just as Jensen’s eyelids fluttered open and he blinked, “Misha?”
Misha? Whatever, not important because right then Jensen's beautiful green eyes that Jared had missed so goddamn much focused on him. Wide and shocked, tinged with hurt and just this little small bit of warmth that Jensen quickly shut down. Jensen’s lips parted but he didn’t say anything, just flinched and closed his eyes like his head was killing him. Probably was, Jared reminded himself.
“Hey.” Jared said softly. “Been waiting for you to wake up for a while. Always did like to make an entrance.”
Slowly, Jensen’s lips tugged up into a little smile, “That was you.”
“Right.” Jared laughed, a little watery. “You just went along with my crazy ideas.”
For a second Jensen’s smile was warm like Jared remembered, fond, and then it froze and Jared’s heart lurched in his chest, “Jared, what are you doing here?”
“You-uh- you were in an accident.” Jensen raised a sarcastic eyebrow and Jared rolled his eyes. “The hospital called me. I’m still your emergency contact.”
A little bit of surprise filtered into Jensen’s expression, “Oh. Well, you could’ve called mom or dad. You didn’t have to come all the way here.”
The inside of Jared’s stomach twisted furiously. Of course he could’ve, he was so stupid. Of course Jensen wouldn’t want him to be the first person he saw after he got hurt. Not after what Jared had done.
“Sorry.” Jared stuttered out. “I didn’t think. Never think. I just… I panicked, okay? You were hurt and we haven’t talked in so long. God, Jensen, for a second there I thought they were gonna tell me you died. So, yeah, I just got in Dad’s truck and drove right here.”
Jared took a deep breath and scrubbed one of his hands through his hair, noticed that the other was still holding Jensen’s and he hadn’t pulled away yet. That little spark of hope inside him flip-flopped and Jared just knew this was his one chance to get it right, to show Jensen how sorry he was.
“Jensen, I’m so sorry. You gotta know that okay?” Jared pleaded, eyes on Jensen’s as he tried to read every flicker of emotion there. “I never should’ve pushed you away. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I was so fucking stupid. Never should’ve let you go, Jen. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I… I fucked up, I know-”
“Jared-” Jensen tried to interrupt, finally pulled his hand away and Jared’s stomach dropped.
“No, just- I need you to know.” Jared cut him off. “I never stopped loving you, alright? Not for a second, Jensen. I know you don’t wanna talk to me anymore. You probably hate me. I would. Just, I wanted you to know I love you. And I missed you every second since I walked through security at the airport.”
Like he didn’t believe what he was hearing, Jensen gently shook his head, this pained look on his face like his heart was just as broken open as Jared’s felt.
“I’m not asking you to forgive me right now. You don’t have to make any decisions or anything. I just- missed you so fucking much.”
Finally, Jensen seemed to gather himself enough to answer, “I- Jared, I have a boyfriend. That I live with. And- I'm sorry, I wish things were different. God, I do. Missed you so much, you have no frickin’ idea. But I love Misha.” Jensen admitted, eyes turned down and sadness tugged at his lips. “I didn't think I could ever-” A hard swallow, “I just… I love him.”
Jared was shocked but he shouldn't ‘ve been. It'd been a year and look at Jensen, of course he’d found someone. Of course he’d done exactly what Jared had told him he should.
The look on Jared's face was like a scalding hot knife that stabbed clean through Jensen's ribs and lodged in his chest. Everything Jared'd said was something Jensen would’ve died to hear not that long ago but now… Now, it just ripped him apart because it was too late and Jensen felt torn in two.
Jared’s hazel eyes were wide and glassy as he swallowed hard and Jensen just wanted to reach out to him. Part of him wanted to take back what he’d just said but he couldn’t; it was the truth. If there was one thing Jensen for damn sure wasn’t, it was a cheater. He’d never do that to someone and Misha deserved his loyalty. He might not be able to help the ache in his chest or the longing he still felt for Jared, but he loved Misha.
They had a life together. A future. Jared’s eyes closed for a second and all of Jensen’s old feelings hit him smack in the face. All this time, all this distance and he was still hopelessly in love with Jared Padalecki and his stupid floppy hair and it wasn’t fucking fair. Jared had left him. Jared had broken his heart and left him behind to clean up the pieces. And he had. Jensen’d picked himself back up and moved the fuck on.
He’d found someone he could be happy with. That he was happy with and now Jared just had to come back and fuck it all up with his apologies and his feelings and what the hell was Jensen supposed to do? Even if he still loved Jared, he was in love with Misha too. Loved him every bit as much as he loved Jared and Misha hadn’t ever hurt him. Hadn’t done anything to deserve the way Jensen’s thoughts and heart were far less loyal than he wished they were.
Misha deserved so much better and even if it shredded him up, Jensen couldn’t tell Jared he still loved him. Couldn’t tell anyone.
Jared’s eyes opened again as he exhaled and just like that the visceral hurt wiped off of his face. That smile that flashed his dimples peeked out and Jensen had to blink to keep up.
“I, um. Wasn’t expecting that… but, it’s okay, Jensen.” Jared’s voice was soft, warm and the sound of it amplified the hollowness in Jensen’s chest. “I’m sorry I bothered you.”
“Jay-” Jensen started, stopped, panic in his own voice startled him. Jared was saying goodbye again and even though it was his fault, Jensen didn’t know how he was supposed to let him go. “I- can you just… stay? For a bit. I don’t- I just-”
“Hate hospitals?” Jared filled in, that same smile but wider on his face as he settled back in his chair. “Don’t wanna be alone here?”
“Yeah.” Jensen breathed. “Something like that.”
Jared nodded and Jensen tried not to feel so relieved because one way or another, pretty soon he was gonna be saying goodbye to Jared. He’d need to let him go because Misha-
Oh fuck, Misha. “Shit.”
“Jensen?”
“Misha.” Jensen said, lips turned down in a frown. “How long have I been here? He’s probably freaking out. I only went out for milk.”
Jared’s brows pulled together, “Few hours at least since I got here and I got the impression you’d been here for a bit before I drove down. You were all patched up when I got here anyway.”
Patched up? Jensen finally took the time to survey his body and noticed the cast on his leg and the dull pain that was creeping in there. Add that to the massive headache that was jackhammering his brain and the stinging itch on the side of his head and wow, he was a little more fucked up from the accident than he’d thought.
“Fuck. I need to find my phone.” Jensen mumbled as he reached under the blanket to check his pants pockets. Then promptly realized he wasn’t wearing pants.
From the bedside table, Jared picked up Jensen’s phone and handed it to him, “Still haven’t upgraded this piece of crap?”
Without much heat, Jensen glared at him as he pressed the power button. Thanked his fucking lucky stars when it lit up. Low battery but hopefully enough. Twenty-five missed calls, all from Misha. Fuck. “Still works, man. Don’t need to get every damn new phone they come out with.”
Jared just smirked as Jensen tapped to call Misha and put the phone up to his ear. It rang twice and then Misha’s panicked voice answered, “Jensen?”
“Hey, Mish.”
“What the hell’s going on Jensen? Are you okay? Do you have any idea how worried I was? Where are you-”
“Babe, slow down. One question at a time, okay? I know I freaked you out, but I’m okay. I’m at the hospital-”
“Shit. Fuck. Are you okay?” Jensen heard rustling over the line that was probably Misha throwing back the blankets.
“I’m okay, just got in an accident.” He said gently as he tried not to scratch his head. Probably shouldn’t touch what was likely stitches. Wasn’t the first time he’d had them and he recognized the way they itched and pulled.
“You- Oh fucking shit. I never should’ve sent you for milk.”
“Yeah, I’m probably not gonna be picking anything up for a while.” Jensen said with a weak chuckle.
“Wait, you said you were okay.” Misha shrewdly observed. “That doesn’t sound okay.”
Jensen picked at some lint on the blanket while he considered whether Misha would be more worried if he told him he’d broken his leg or if he’d feel better if he knew ahead of time.
“Jensen, if you’re hurt, I need to know, alright? Maybe I’m overreacting here, but all of these worst case scenarios are- I just.” Misha’s voice cut off on a quick inhale and Jensen could practically hear the gears turning in that brilliant brain of his.
“Breathe, Mish. I promise I’m good. Just a broken leg, looks like, and I think I cut my head. Got a bitch of a headache and feel like crap too, so odds are I got a concussion.” Jensen said calmly.
“What do you mean looks like?” Misha asked and there were more faint noises and then the jangling of keys.
“Well- I uh,” Jensen started.
“You didn’t talk to the doctor yet, did you?”
“No?”
There was silence on the line for a second and then Misha let out a little half-hysterical sounding laugh. “So what, you just woke up and before you even called the nurse you called me?”
Jensen’s lips drew up in a bit of a smile, “Kinda.”
Misha growled, a half-frustrated, half-amused sound. “Okay, I’m on my way. Gonna catch a cab. Just let them know you’re awake, alright?”
“Will do.”
“Babe?”
“Yeah?”
“Love you.”
Guiltily, Jensen’s eyes flashed over to Jared before they settled back on his lap. “Love you too.”
He hung up the phone and set it down, finally risked a glance back up at Jared, expected to find hurt and sadness but he just had this soft little smile on his chewed pink lips.
“So, Misha’s on his way, huh?” Jared said casually.
“Yeah- Jared- I- sorry, I-” Jensen bit his lip to cut himself off, didn’t know what he was trying to say, just that he was sorry for rubbing it in. Sorry for making Jared stay for that because he still couldn’t let him go.
“Hey, don’t worry about it.” Jared said, and he sounded sincere… but Jared had always been a good actor, hadn’t he? It was hard to tell when he was just faking something, covering up how he really felt. Jensen was damn good at telling the difference most of the time, but when Jared honestly didn’t want him to know, well… Jared was a good actor. “I’m not gonna say I’m not jealous of him, but I’m glad, you know? That he seems like a good guy for you.”
Cautiously, Jensen replied, “He is.”
“Good.”
There was a bit of a pause and then Jared shifted in his seat uncomfortably. Desperate to change the subject and keep him there just a little longer, Jensen asked him about California and Jared looked pretty much as relieved for the subject change as Jensen was. He told him about his little crappy dorm room and his possibly psychotic but fun roommate Chad. Told him about the spring break road trip they’d taken along highway one. About the stops they’d made in all the little seaside towns and how gorgeous the water looked at sunrise.
And Jensen got sucked right into Jared’s stories after the check up he went through when Jared called the nurse in. Got caught up in the excitement in his voice when he described the huge aquarium they’d stopped at and how Chad had gotten them kicked out. He found himself laughing along with Jared like old times, cheeks flushed and despite his raging headache and the nausea that was kicking in, the exhaustion, he didn’t want it to end.
Eventually though, Jared sat up a little straighter, eyes on the door and Jensen looked up to find Misha there. Jensen smiled, a mix of happiness and guilt, and Misha’s eyes went a little soft and wet. His mouth parted in a little sad o.
“Misha, I’m fine.” Jensen said gently, but Misha shook his head as he walked into the room, wrapped Jensen in a hug that hurt like a bitch because his chest was bruised from his seatbelt but he didn’t stop him.
“I was so fucking scared.” Misha said brokenly, quietly. “You didn’t come home.”
Jensen rubbed his hand over Misha’s back, “I know, Mish. I’m sorry.”
“Not your fault.” Misha said as he pulled away and scrubbed a hand over his face, eyes red rimmed and a little puffy, but fuck, still just as gorgeous as ever. He glanced over at Jared, like he’d just noticed him and tilted his head the slightest bit.
Jensen finally grew some manners and said, “Misha, this is-”
“Jared.” Misha interrupted. “I recognize you from Jensen’s pictures. I’m Misha.”
Widely, Jared had on his most charming smile, the one Jensen knew he used when he thought he was in trouble and he was trying to get out of it. “That’s me. Nice to meet you.”
“Likewise.” Misha said, though his voice was unsure and he glanced over at Jensen, brows raised, a silent question Jensen understood in a heartbeat: What the fuck is he doing here?
“Uh,” Jensen mumbled as he rubbed the back of his neck, “turns out I need to update my emergency contact. The hospital called Jared when I was unconscious.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. I’m sorry. I didn’t even think to update that stuff and it was irresponsible, you wouldn’t have been worried for so long if I wasn’t such a dumbass.” Jensen said tiredly.
“You’re not-” Jared and Misha both burst out at the same time before they stopped and smiled awkwardly at each other. Jensen couldn’t prevent the laugh that escaped him at that.
“Right.” Jared said as he stood up from the chair. “I should- yeah. I’m gonna take off, Jen. Looks like you’re in good hands.”
Reluctantly, Jensen nodded because this was it. Jared was walking out of his life again and this time it was probably forever. And the crack that that tore in his heart settled guilt over him like a weighted blanket. His head throbbed and his thoughts were sluggish, but he forced a little smile onto his face for Jared, “Thanks for coming.”
“Sure. See you around, Jensen.”
Jensen bit his lip and nodded, “Bye Jared.”
Just like that, Jared walked out the door with a last sad smile for Jensen, so reminiscent of the last time that Jensen had to suck in a deep steadying breath and blink away tears. Misha just moved over into the chair Jared had vacated and gave Jensen a minute to sort through his thoughts.
“You alright?” Misha asked when Jensen opened his eyes again. “That must’ve been a bit of a shock.”
“Yeah.” Jensen sighed and scratched his nose. “I dunno. I’m pretty out of it right now.”
Misha’s fingers brushed over his cheekbone before he tilted Jensen’s head to the side a little, “Looks like it hurts.”
“‘S not so bad.” Jensen winced when his head throbbed and Misha just raised an eyebrow. “Really. Just got a concussion, I’ll be fine, okay? They wanna keep me overnight and then I get to come home. No fuckin’ clue how I’m gonna go back to work like this, but I’m sure Felicia’ll figure out something for me to do.”
Concern all over his face, Misha’s lips tugged down, “Maybe you should take some time off. Are you even allowed to put weight on your leg?”
“Mish, I’ll be fine, okay?” Jensen said. “The break wasn’t too bad and the spot it’s in was the best case, I guess, for an ankle break. I gotta take it easy for a few days and keep it up but I’m gonna be fine with crutches for a week or two and then I’ll be able to start walking on it a bit more. They said I’m looking at six weeks of healing, but coulda been worse, so…”
Misha still didn’t look convinced and despite the swirl of emotions that were screwing with Jensen’s head, he had to smile at him.
“What?” Misha asked with a frown.
“Just love you.” Jensen said with a little smirk.
“Shut up. I’m allowed to worry about you, okay?” Misha said defensively before his face softened. “Ugh. And I love you too.”
Warm and dry, Misha’s lips brushed against his and Jensen smiled into the brief kiss. Couldn’t help himself. He tried with absolutely no success to convince Misha to go home for the night and get some rest, but Misha said he was too keyed up to sleep anyway. Said he’d feel better if he could keep an eye on Jensen. Which Jensen pointed out was creepy. Misha just rolled his eyes and told him to get some rest.
The protest Jensen had been about to mount, the one where he explained he’d actually already been asleep for several hours, not to mention the upheaval his emotions were going through after unexpectedly seeing Jared were soundly debunked when the nurse came in and topped up his pain medication. The second his physical discomfort eased a bit, Jensen felt himself sink down into sleep. Managed to gather just enough energy to grab onto Misha’s hand before he passed out again.
The next few weeks involved a lot of repression on Jensen’s part. He tried to act like things were fine, like he was fine. The truth was that he was anything but. On top of having a busted ankle and bruised ribs from his accident and having to deal with the mobility challenges that that presented for him, he had a crapload of guilt over feelings he couldn't help.
He hadn't talked to Jared since he’d seen him at the hospital and it'd been almost a month, but Jensen couldn't move on. Couldn't forget that sad, shocked look on Jared’s face. Those glossy multicolored eyes and that smile. That play through the pain little smile that tore Jensen up. The easy way they’d fit back together.
It was stuck in his head and Jensen felt like the worst scum on earth. He had someone amazing that he loved, who loved him back and he just couldn’t be satisfied with that could he? What kind of selfish asshole could ever look at Misha and what they had together and think he wanted more? It wasn’t that Jensen loved their life any less. That he was unsatisfied or something with Misha. It was just that part of him, deep, deep down couldn’t let go of Jared.
Had never really let him go and Jensen couldn’t help wondering what that meant. Did that mean he didn’t really love Misha? Because it sure as hell felt real. The idea of losing Misha hurt just as much as actually losing Jared did. Any time Jensen thought about it, his stomach twisted nauseously and his throat got all scratchy. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for Misha, to make sure Misha was happy. That Misha stayed.
Part of why he’d been keeping all of his feelings bottled up was because he was terrified that if he admitted it out loud, Misha would assume that he didn’t love him. That he’d do that thing where he always put Jensen first. Would tell him to go back to Jared because he was clearly still in love with him. But Jensen didn’t want that. Or he did, but he wasn’t willing to trade Misha for it.
So pretty much Jensen was stressed out and fucked up and day by day it was getting worse, not better. He’d started smoking again although he’d quit before he’d moved in with Misha. A shitty habit he’d picked up and hated, but he just needed something to focus his mind.
Even if taking a deep breath in hurt, hey, they’d told him to do it anyway. No one’d said it had to be fresh air he breathed in. He knew he was taking his pain pills too frequently because they helped him zone out, curbed his anxiety a bit. It was obvious that something was going on with him and Jensen knew that Misha could tell.
There were these speculative looks that Misha gave Jensen from the corner of his eye, like he was trying to figure out a puzzle that he didn’t quite have the pieces for and no amount of faking it was fooling him. Which just added to the weight Jensen was carrying because it was so fucking wrong, hiding anything from Misha but especially something this big.
It probably wasn’t possible to be a lower form of crap than Jensen felt like he was. Actually, no, that wasn’t true. He had one saving grace: He wasn’t acting on the feelings he still had for Jared. He wasn’t maintaining any sort of secret relationship with him. Hadn’t even entertained the thought. So, it was probably possible to be a shittier person than him, but it’d be fucking hard.
“Hey,” Misha called out from behind him as Jensen reached for the handle on the front door. “You headed to work?”
Startled Jensen turned to look at him and the smile that crept onto his face at Misha’s dishevelled appearance wasn’t even fake. He looked adorable in his blue lounge pants and matching t-shirt with a sock monkey on it. Eyes squinted like he’d just rolled out of bed and still couldn’t open them fully to the morning light.
“Yeah, thought you were still asleep. Didn’t wanna wake you.” Jensen said with an affectionate smile as Misha closed the distance between them. He let Misha kiss him softly before he pulled away.
“Mmm. Time’s it?” Misha asked as he cuddled up against Jensen’s chest, careful of the cane Jensen was still using to support some of his weight and tucked his face into the curve of his neck.
“Almost eleven-thirty. Gotta be to work for noon but I thought I’d walk today. Make a stop in the park if I need a break.” Jensen told him as his free arm wrapped around Misha. He’d just honestly never get tired of the way Misha fit perfectly there. Belonged.
Sleepily, Misha let out a little sigh, “Kay. Want me to pick you up when you’re off? I’m gonna head to the library for a bit this afternoon. Get some work done.”
“If I do I’ll text you, but I think I’ll be fine.” Jensen said truthfully. He’d been able to go further distances lately and he was pretty sure he’d be okay.
Misha pressed a quick kiss to his neck before he reluctantly peeled himself off of Jensen. “Alright, well, take your time and be safe.”
One more quick kiss and Jensen was out the door. Hot summer air oppressive and he almost reconsidered his plan but it wasn’t that far and he could take a break in the shade if he really needed it. Out of habit he grabbed the mail from their mailbox and stuffed it in his bag to check on his break.
The walk to work was a little rougher on him than Jensen’d thought it would be. Mainly because it was hot as ass out but he made it there on time. Even had a little to spare so he grabbed an iced coffee and chugged it as he dropped his messenger bag off in the break room. He took a second to cool off and slip into his customer service persona, then turned his red baseball cap backwards in time honored tradition before he limped out to the stool Felicia’d already set up for him in front of the cash register. As he sat down he flashed a smile over at her before he took his first order of the day and called it over to Tyler.
The system she’d set up to accommodate him worked decently but Jensen actually missed working the machines and a few of the regulars had mentioned that Tyler just didn’t make it like Jensen did. The day crawled by slowly and when it was time for his break Jensen was beyond ready to head out back for a bit. He struggled to his feet and winced as his ankle twinged under his weight.
“Hey, you okay?” Felicia asked curiously.
“Yeah, just need a minute.” Jensen said with a smile he didn’t mean.
“Well, you’ve got twenty, go take it easy for a bit.” She told him.
“S’posed to be fifteen.”
“What can I say? I’m feeling generous. Now shoo.”
So Jensen went. He grabbed a coffee and headed out back. Set his coffee down on the windowsill beside the ashtray that sat there while he got his bag and sat down in the sole foldable metal chair that was placed at the window. He dug out his pills and lined the bottle up next to the ashtray, should probably have grabbed a muffin or something to take them with, but whatever. As soon as his coffee cooled some, a couple of them had his name on ‘em.
While he waited for his coffee to reach his ideal temperature he finally pulled out the stack of mail that he hadn't checked yet. A couple bills and then beneath those, a postcard. On the front was some dumb California tourist trap picture, and Jensen’s heart leapt into his throat. His hands trembled as he flipped it over to read the back…
He didn’t know what he expected to find, but it just said, “I'm happy for you, Jen. Even if I miss you every damn day, I'm just glad you're happy. Stay that way for me, okay? -Jared”
Shakily, Jensen put the postcard on the windowsill, opened the window, pulled out his pack and lit up a cigarette. Let the familiar sensation of smoke fill his lungs, the rush of nicotine soothe him between sips of too-hot coffee while he stared blankly out the window. He wasn't even aware he'd finished until Felicia popped her head into the backroom looking for him. Numb or overloaded or something, Jensen just stared helplessly out at the blinding sunlight and couldn’t think right.
One look at his face and Felicia told him to go home. Take the rest of the day. Totally unlike him, Jensen didn’t even put up a fight. Just gathered up his stuff and left. The walk home barely even registered for him. He was a mess of conflicted feelings. He knew Jared still loved him. He’d told him that in the hospital. But… some part of Jensen had been convinced that Jared would move on now. Get over him, even if that thought hurt.
Except this postcard… Jared wasn’t over him, he was heartbroken. He was giving up. Letting Jensen know it was okay even if it hurt him. That he wanted what was best for Jensen even if it wasn’t him and Jensen didn’t know how to deal with that. Did it even matter? It shouldn't. He had Misha. And Misha was enough, damnit. Misha didn’t deserve this from Jensen. He should fucking man up and forget all about Jared. Be happy.
Only… It did matter. It mattered so fucking much. Jensen felt like he was drowning, like his foot was stuck in thick mud and water was rising all around him. Breaking Jared’s heart hurt. Bad enough when he’d had to tell him about Misha, but Jensen’d been able to shove the feeling down. Ignore it. Now he was face to face with it. Now the evidence of it sat in his bag on the living room floor. He could hear the words on that postcard in Jared’s voice. Could see the shiny green-brown-blue of his eyes and the gentle smile he would’ve had on his face as he’d said them.
Barely aware of the time passing, Jensen sat curled up on the couch until Misha finally got back from the library late that evening. Only dimly noticed the sound of the front door opening and Misha’s footsteps as he walked down the hall into the living room.
“Babe?” Misha asked and Jensen looked up, found Misha standing in front of him looking so damn worried and gorgeous and something inside of Jensen just tore wide open.
This was it, he was gonna lose everything, but he couldn’t stop the tears that welled up in his eyes anymore than he could help the words that tumbled from his mouth.
“I’m so-so-” Jensen swallowed a sob as Misha dropped to his knees in front of him, hands on Jensen’s thighs like he could steady him. And he just waited, patient like he always with Jensen. “I’m sorry. I don’t- I can’t.”
“Just breathe Jensen.” Misha said softly. “It’s okay, alright? Whatever it is, it’s okay. I’m not going anywhere. So just take a deep breath and tell me what’s going on, alright?”
A million different parts of Jensen were screaming out for him to shut his mouth before he screwed this up even more, because Misha said he wasn’t going anywhere, but he would. If he knew, he would. Except Misha just kept steady eye contact with him, his thumbs rubbed back and forth soothingly over Jensen’s thighs and Jensen was so tired of carrying this horrible secret. Tired of pretending he was fine when he wasn’t.
“I’m- Misha, I’m still in love with Jared and I’m so fucking sorry. I don’t know what the hell I’m s’posed to do ‘cause I love you too. So fucking much and you probably don’t believe me, but I do. I just- I don’t wanna lose you and I can’t get the fuck over him either. And I’m just so fucking sorry. You don’t deserve this- I just- I-”
None of the emotions that Jensen had expected to see play out in Misha’s eyes did. He’d expected anger, sadness, betrayal, but all he got was concern and this sort of understanding that he wasn’t sure what to do with. Misha’s hand cupped his cheek and Jensen snapped his mouth shut.
“Let me ask you a question.” Misha said and Jensen just nodded and blinked the wetness from his eyes. Tried to ignore the tracks that burned hot on his cheeks. “Loving Jared… Does that make you love me less?”
Vehemently, Jensen shook his head. “No, God, Mish, no.”
“And you haven’t acted on your feelings, right?” Misha asked, though it didn’t sound like a question, it sounded like a statement of fact, like even after everything Jensen’d said, he still believed in him.
“No- I’d never. I wouldn’t do that to you.” Jensen rushed to affirm.
“But this whole time you’ve still been in love with Jared.” Misha frowned a little and Jensen wished he could take back everything he’d said just to spare Misha the pain he had to be feeling.
“I guess, but it wasn’t like that.” Jensen tried to explain. “I thought I was getting over him, and God, you were perfect. Falling for you was so damn easy, Mish. I just thought, that must mean I was getting better, right? If I loved you, that had to mean I was over Jared. Except it was more like it was just buried. And-”
“And when you saw Jared again last month it brought everything back to the surface?” Misha guessed.
Ashamed, Jensen just nodded and dropped his gaze. “He told me he’s still in love with me. Before he knew I had you, he said he was sorry and he loved me.”
Silence hung thick in the air for a minute like Misha was processing that. “And what did you say?”
Jensen shrugged a shoulder, “I told him about you. How much I love you. That I missed him, but I love you.”
Tentatively, Misha smiled at him then and Jensen tried to give him one back, but his chest was still tight with anxiety, with the need to lay everything bare and let Misha decide what he wanted to do. Because this wasn’t just Jensen’s secret anymore, this was his confession and Misha would get to be the one to decide what he wanted to do once it was all out. Jensen wouldn’t blame him if he broke up with him, told him to get out. It’d hurt like hell, but he’d deserve it.
“So what happened today?” Misha asked and Jensen’s eyes flew to his bag on the floor across the room before they landed back on the blue of Misha’s.
“Jared sent me a postcard. It was…” Jensen bit his bottom lip and tried to will away the fresh set of tears that were welling up. When the fuck had he turned into such a goddamn wuss. “It was a goodbye.”
“Oh, Jensen.” Misha pushed up into his space and wrapped his arms around him. Pulled him into a tight hug and Jensen was so damn confused, because Misha should be mad. Misha should hate him and instead he was holding him, comforting him.
“I’m not-” Jensen gasped in a breath and tried not to let it out as a sob. “Not ready to say goodbye to him and I wish I was. I don’t wanna lose you and you’re gonna hate me.”
“Never,” Misha whispered as he leaned in, disgusting tear-soaked face, betrayal on Jensen's lips and Misha kissed him like he didn’t care. If Jensen’s heart was broken before, it was a lost cause now. Raw and hollowed out and he was gonna lose this because Misha was way too good for him. Even as Misha’s hand fisted in his hair and pulled him closer, as his tongue slid hot and just a little possessively into Jensen’s mouth, he just thought he couldn’t lose Misha, he needed him.
“Not going anywhere.” Misha told him, voice shot to hell when he pulled back. “Jensen, I love you. This is gonna be okay. We’re gonna be okay.”
Desperately, Jensen wanted to believe him but he couldn’t, “How? Misha, how is this okay?”
“Because, we’ll make this work.” Misha said firmly, sincerely. Jensen’s lips parted but Misha shook his head. “We can. You think you’re the first person to fall in love with two people at once?”
“I-”
“Lemme save you the time, babe: You’re not. Doesn’t mean you don’t love me. Or that there’s something wrong with you, alright? So you gotta stop thinking that. I know you love me, so stop worrying that I won’t believe you.”
“Misha…”
“Just listen for a sec, okay? You’re not happy with the way things are and that kills me but not for the reason you think. Jensen, all I want is for you to be happy. The way we make this work? What if you pursued a relationship with Jared too?” Misha suggested, eyes bright like he’d found the perfect solution, but Jensen’s brain just couldn’t keep up.
“What? Like we have an open relationship?” A hypocritical surge of jealousy clawed Jensen’s chest at the thought of Misha being with anyone else.
“No.” Misha said patiently. “Not like an open relationship. I don’t want anyone but you. This is just about you. About giving you what you need.”
“Won’t that…” Jensen worried at his bottom lip with his teeth, still felt like garbage. Like he was making Misha say this and he’d regret it later. “What if it changes things? What if you hate me for it? Or- or you change your mind.”
“It won’t. I won’t. Because if we do this, we’re gonna be up front about everything. And honest. No more secrets okay? If we want this to work, you have to talk to me.”
Still skeptical, Jensen rubbed his palm over his face. “Okay, but even if it doesn’t change anything between us… What if Jared doesn’t want me anymore? Or doesn’t want to share? And- and even if he was okay with all of that, he’ll still be in California after the summer.”
At that Misha paused, turned contemplative and Jensen tried to calm his pounding heart, tried to steady his breathing.
“So we talk to him.” Misha finally said. “We invite him over and lay all the cards on the table. Give him the chance to figure out how he feels about it and we deal with the rest when the time comes.”
Nervousness jangled hotly in Jensen’s stomach. He worried this was gonna be another story that Misha started with ‘it seemed like a good idea at the time’. But Misha was optimistic. He said he wanted Jensen to be happy, and this was how they did it. And even if Jensen still thought he was a selfish dick for wanting this, he badly, badly wanted Misha to be right.
“It’s gonna be okay, Jensen.” Misha repeated. He finally climbed off of the floor and sat beside Jensen, pulled him against his chest and Jensen went willingly when Misha adjusted them so they were laying on the couch, Jensen on top of him with Misha’s arms snug around him. “I know you and I know you’re thinking about all the things that might go wrong. But there’s one thing that’s a hundred percent for sure.”
Jensen turned his face into Misha’s chest and inhaled deeply, let the comforting scent of him calm him down. “What’s that?”
“That whatever happens next, you’ve got me.” Misha said, so sure of himself, of them that Jensen had to trust him. “So take that off of your list of things to freak out about.”
“Love you.” Jensen mumbled into Misha’s t-shirt. Ignored the way his eyes pricked with the emotions that swelled in his chest.
Misha’s hand rubbed soothingly over his back, “Love you too. So I’m thinking tonight we order in and basically just lay here like lazy assholes. Sound good?”
The smile that curved Jensen’s lips up was totally genuine and he felt lighter than he had in a long, long time. “Yeah. Sounds good.”
Masterpost | Part One | Part Two | Part Four | Part Five