I really need to get back to updating every day or so...these would be less lengthy...
Also, none of what's written here is far from meant to be hurtful. It's just me, getting the stuff written down and therefore no longer having it being loud and distracting in my head, got it? I love you all and I don't want to hurt you. But if I did, let me know, and we'll talk about it, okay?
Okay, so I'd actually meant to update this thing again on Monday...didn't get a chance, now it's Wednesday and I'm in study hall. I'm going to finally write out most of the stuff that's been bouncing around my head the last few days.
I guess a lot of the lack off writing in this thing for like a week could be chalked up to all the stuff bouncing around in the back of my mind that I didn't even want to think about, never mind write down for posterity. I realise this more or less defeats the purpose of bothering to keep a journal, but if it helps at all, most of this stuff I haven't even talked about with Mike (a little, but not really...) and none of my family's going to want to hear about it anyway...
You know what? I'm just gonna write about the public knowledge stuff. I don't want to be entirely introspective right now...there's too much going on the next couple of days for me to slip into a totally self-imposed funk. Tomorrow'll do that for me, I'm just about positive. I really don't have a good reason to be angsting like crazy right now anyway, (or at least any reason that wasn't there last week, last month, or last year...) aside from the fact that I'm Seventeen and that by definition makes life ten times more complicated than it should be.
School's...well, school's school. Annoying people, I never really want to be there, never ending pointless homework assignments, never enough time with Mike. I know, I'm a complete broken record on that point. Shut up. I seriously doubt anybody reading this could tell me they hadn't felt that way about someone at least once in their lives.
I've seen Connor pretty much every day since Monday. Even if he was kinda unconscious on Monday. I'd heard somewhere that talking to unconscious patients can sometimes make them recover faster, so if that actually did help, babbling to him even when he couldn't answer back was well worth it. And it gave Wesley a chance to rest. He actually did wake up while I was babbling away. We ate some of my constant supply of chocolate that lives in my backpack. That got us into a talk of all the yummy things Connor missed out on Quor'toth and we have standing plans in the summer to eat frozen Reese's pieces, revellos and fudgecicles. He probably thinks I'm insane for how excited I got about having the chance to introduce him to some of my favourite things about summer. Whatever.
All in all, we had a really good visit. None of the tension that usually goes along with us spending time together, or him wanting more from me than I'm every going to be willing to give him. Just when I thought we were actually back on track to being good friends, albeit ones with a unique understanding of each other because of our insane lives...
I should have never have gone back over there after dinner on Tuesday though...I really should have just skipped it. All I did was hurt him, as usual, without even trying. He'd said something along the lines of if I wanted him to, he'd go live with Fred and Wesley. And thats where things got bad, 'cause I pointed out he shouldn't make a decision like that because of me...but based on what would make him happiest...
I guess somehow he decided that was me rejecting him, which wasn't at all what I was doing. I thought he finally got it...understood that I was with Mike, that I did love him...just not the way he wanted me to. And I know he wasn't trying to push. God, I just wish things were easier. I wish we could just hang out and be friends. I'd never expect him to be okay hanging out with Mike around...but when it's just us and I haven't even mentioned him because I know it'll hurt Connor? How do things get so messed up so quickly in that scenario?
Kinda seems like nothing really went the way I'd expected it to yesterday. I'd left Mike the car and got a ride home with Buffy so that he could just go straight to work. And you know, spending time with Buffy is generally a good thing, since despite our Sundays, I still feel like we really don't spend enough time together.
First thing that went wrong there...I pointed out how much time there was left until graduation. Can I help it if I really don't want to have to go near that school for several years? I mean, come on. The people reading this know exactly what my school's sitting on top of.
The second thing settles around my adorable little niece Charlie. Love that girl to death, but I really wish she'd stop favouring me over her own mother. All it does is upset Buffy and make her resentful towards me. Not like she hadn't done that she she as a baby or anything. I just...don't know why.
Anyway, what happened in this particular case was that Charlie got all excited when she heard us and decided to let herself down the stairs without her daddy or Willow. Of course, for a one-year old, walking down the stairs all by yourself is far from allowed, and the more Buffy tried to push/impress this fact into her, the more upset Charlie got. She didn't want to be around Buffy when she was this mad at her, so when she asked to go see Liberty, it was me she chose as the one to take her up to Willow and Tara's room. I know that just about kills Buffy...that I can calm her daughter down when she can't...and I'm sorry.
So we went and had a nice but short visit with Liberty since Willow was asleep on the bed. After we left the room, Charlie started wondering where her Uncle Mike (her words, not mine, before anyone starts flipping out) was...
Apparently she really misses him when he's all busy with school and work, so we decided we'd wait at the bottom of the stairs for him to get home, and Charlie told me she wanted him to tell her one of his special, just for her, stories, which was really rather cute.
So at least there was a slight bright spot between the nastiness...
And tonight commences the two hole days of Thanksgiving at the Summers House. This is going to be...interesting. I'd say fun, but I'm not sure me and holidays mix under the best of circumstances since mom...
I'll just have to keep reminding myself that whatever happens, it'll be over soon.
Okay, so I'd actually meant to update this thing again on Monday...didn't get a chance, now it's Wednesday and I'm in study hall. I'm going to finally write out most of the stuff that's been bouncing around my head the last few days.
I guess a lot of the lack off writing in this thing for like a week could be chalked up to all the stuff bouncing around in the back of my mind that I didn't even want to think about, never mind write down for posterity. I realise this more or less defeats the purpose of bothering to keep a journal, but if it helps at all, most of this stuff I haven't even talked about with Mike (a little, but not really...) and none of my family's going to want to hear about it anyway...
You know what? I'm just gonna write about the public knowledge stuff. I don't want to be entirely introspective right now...there's too much going on the next couple of days for me to slip into a totally self-imposed funk. Tomorrow'll do that for me, I'm just about positive. I really don't have a good reason to be angsting like crazy right now anyway, (or at least any reason that wasn't there last week, last month, or last year...) aside from the fact that I'm Seventeen and that by definition makes life ten times more complicated than it should be.
School's...well, school's school. Annoying people, I never really want to be there, never ending pointless homework assignments, never enough time with Mike. I know, I'm a complete broken record on that point. Shut up. I seriously doubt anybody reading this could tell me they hadn't felt that way about someone at least once in their lives.
I've seen Connor pretty much every day since Monday. Even if he was kinda unconscious on Monday. I'd heard somewhere that talking to unconscious patients can sometimes make them recover faster, so if that actually did help, babbling to him even when he couldn't answer back was well worth it. And it gave Wesley a chance to rest. He actually did wake up while I was babbling away. We ate some of my constant supply of chocolate that lives in my backpack. That got us into a talk of all the yummy things Connor missed out on Quor'toth and we have standing plans in the summer to eat frozen Reese's pieces, revellos and fudgecicles. He probably thinks I'm insane for how excited I got about having the chance to introduce him to some of my favourite things about summer. Whatever.
All in all, we had a really good visit. None of the tension that usually goes along with us spending time together, or him wanting more from me than I'm every going to be willing to give him. Just when I thought we were actually back on track to being good friends, albeit ones with a unique understanding of each other because of our insane lives...
I should have never have gone back over there after dinner on Tuesday though...I really should have just skipped it. All I did was hurt him, as usual, without even trying. He'd said something along the lines of if I wanted him to, he'd go live with Fred and Wesley. And thats where things got bad, 'cause I pointed out he shouldn't make a decision like that because of me...but based on what would make him happiest...
I guess somehow he decided that was me rejecting him, which wasn't at all what I was doing. I thought he finally got it...understood that I was with Mike, that I did love him...just not the way he wanted me to. And I know he wasn't trying to push. God, I just wish things were easier. I wish we could just hang out and be friends. I'd never expect him to be okay hanging out with Mike around...but when it's just us and I haven't even mentioned him because I know it'll hurt Connor? How do things get so messed up so quickly in that scenario?
Kinda seems like nothing really went the way I'd expected it to yesterday. I'd left Mike the car and got a ride home with Buffy so that he could just go straight to work. And you know, spending time with Buffy is generally a good thing, since despite our Sundays, I still feel like we really don't spend enough time together.
First thing that went wrong there...I pointed out how much time there was left until graduation. Can I help it if I really don't want to have to go near that school for several years? I mean, come on. The people reading this know exactly what my school's sitting on top of.
The second thing settles around my adorable little niece Charlie. Love that girl to death, but I really wish she'd stop favouring me over her own mother. All it does is upset Buffy and make her resentful towards me. Not like she hadn't done that she she as a baby or anything. I just...don't know why.
Anyway, what happened in this particular case was that Charlie got all excited when she heard us and decided to let herself down the stairs without her daddy or Willow. Of course, for a one-year old, walking down the stairs all by yourself is far from allowed, and the more Buffy tried to push/impress this fact into her, the more upset Charlie got. She didn't want to be around Buffy when she was this mad at her, so when she asked to go see Liberty, it was me she chose as the one to take her up to Willow and Tara's room. I know that just about kills Buffy...that I can calm her daughter down when she can't...and I'm sorry.
So we went and had a nice but short visit with Liberty since Willow was asleep on the bed. After we left the room, Charlie started wondering where her Uncle Mike (her words, not mine, before anyone starts flipping out) was...
Apparently she really misses him when he's all busy with school and work, so we decided we'd wait at the bottom of the stairs for him to get home, and Charlie told me she wanted him to tell her one of his special, just for her, stories, which was really rather cute.
So at least there was a slight bright spot between the nastiness...
And tonight commences the two hole days of Thanksgiving at the Summers House. This is going to be...interesting. I'd say fun, but I'm not sure me and holidays mix under the best of circumstances since mom...
I'll just have to keep reminding myself that whatever happens, it'll be over soon.